Wonkette

No matter how many times the liberals answer this question, conservatives continue to ask in conjured bewilderment, “why all the anger at Sarah Palin?” The liberals’ answer — that she’s not qualified to run anything but pretends that she is via an unprecedented streak of nasty, horrific lying — well, that’s a load of socialist poo; why do they really hate her? Is it her accent, or her vagina, or just the fact that she’s too perfect for liberals to comprehend? Definitely, all of that, but the major reason mean liberals hate Sarah Palin sifts below the surface of the warped liberal psyche, as Kevin Burke writes in a stunning new National Review article: since all liberals have had several abortions, they hate Sarah Palin (and apparently Bristol!) for not having abortions. This is a real article. MORE »

Everybody is very ANGRY with Sarah Palin for spending tens of thousands of hard-working Alaskans’ tax dollars flying her daughters to various conferences and putting them up at the Ritz and then saying they were there on “official duty” to cut ribbons and stuff. And yes, this is pretty fucking lame, particularly given that there are plenty of governors in America who do not drag their kids along to every association dinner they’re invited to and instead take advantage of a wonderful American invention called “the babysitter,” or even an old throwback called “a spouse.” But that’s not the real outrage! MORE »

FREE LEVI JOHNSTON: The brave high school dropout who impregnated Sarah Palin’s daughter talked with an AP reporter, in his driveway. He spoke in complete sentences, unlike his future mother-in-law! Here is what he said about attending the Republican National Convention: “At first, I was nervous. Then I was like, ‘Whatever.’” Levi Johnston is the wisest, most silver-tongued sage in the extended Palin family. [AP]

There’s a big VP debate watch party tomorrow night in Washington, D.C., at the James Hoban’s bar in Dupont Circle, and its guest of honor will be a gal named “Elizabeth.” Elizabeth, for those of you not IN-THE-KNOW, is the most famous celebrity in the world now, as she is “the only Wasilla resident living in Washington, DC.” Can you even imagine how rich she must be now? And yet, Elizabeth was kind enough to let your associate editor Gchat her in the middle of the day for an informal interview. Among other topics, we discuss Wasilla’s famed retail outlets, meth, moose guts, what Bristol Palin’s REALLY LIKE, and Palin’s years as Wasilla mayor. Does Elizabeth like her hometown VP candidate? Well, here’s a hint: this party tomorrow night is doubling as an Obama fundraiser. Interview below! MORE »

A quick search on the Facebook for “bristol palin” reveals this strange creature, one “Bristol Palin-Johnston.” America’s little girl has gotten married, to that Levi character? Yay! Everyone send them $17 in toxic home-cooked meth as a present. Also: hypenated last name. WTF yo? A real CHRISTIAN takes her husband’s name forever. [Facebook via The Frisky]

Both Cynthia Tucker, a columnist in Atlanta, and Jon Stewart, a political comedian on the teevee, have recently pointed out Bill O’Reilly’s peculiar (self-contradictory?) stances on famous teenagers getting knocked up. When Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant, O’Reilly shouted at her parents for not “supervising” her adequately — good parents, as we all know, should hold their daughter’s hands when she’s getting banged by some local knucklehead. When Bristol Palin got pregnant, however, O’Reilly said that it was understandable and a private matter for the family. So Tucker and Stewart called O’Reilly out on this, and O’Reilly got super mad and defensive! He then sent some Fox lackey to stalk Tucker at her home and chided Stewart for “editing.” PROBLEM SOLVED. [YouTube]

John McCain’s people had about 24 hours to get Levi “Fuckin’ Redneck” Johnston a haircut, a shave, a tailored Italian wool suit, and some invisible duct tape to cover his mouth so that he could NEVER SAY A WORD. Somewhere along the line, however, he skipped out to the one store in Wasilla — a tattoo parlor — to get “Bristol” inked into the skin of his ring finger. Richard Cohen must be furious. [HuffPo]

WELL OF COURSE: “A source close to the Beverly Hills baby store Petit Tresor tells CelebTV.com exclusively that a gift from Plain Mary was sent to Bristol Palin on behalf of Jamie Lynn Spears.” [CelebTV via Radar]

Here’s some “raw video” from the AP of John McCain meeting the Palins and Bristol’s lover, Levi Johnston, at the Twin Cities airport today. Walnuts is so gay for this Levi, rubbing him up and shit — skip forward to about 1:10 and you’ll see! He does some full upper arm petting for a while, then slowly slides his hand down Levi’s arm for a goodbye “fingertip kiss” of sorts. Then he makes out with Trig, THE DEMON BAT BABY from the Womb of the Unknown Mother. [YouTube]

John McCain has no idea what kinds of hell he’s unleashed: “WASILLA, Alaska (AP) — Bristol Palin’s boyfriend plans to join the family of the Republican vice presidential candidate at the GOP convention. Levi Johnston’s mother said her 18-year-old son left Alaska on Tuesday morning to join the Palin family in St. Paul, Minn.” Levi Johnston must be loving this. He is, after all, the guy who wrote “Ya fuck with me I’ll kick [your] ass” on his MySpace page. He’s just gonna be cold fuckin’ bitches and pounding fuckin’ beers on the stage with John fuckin’ McCain, fuckin’ beatin’ up delegates and shit. [AP]

• In his concern for Bristol Palin’s privacy, Obama is now officially a better mother than Sarah. [Ben Smith]
• Palin actually wanted to build that pricey Alaskan superbridge, before all the persuasive backlash. [Ezra Klein]
• Oh, yes, so even more Palin fun facts will soon be revealed as your new Thomas Eagleton will go under oath to testify about Trooper-Gate. [TPM Muckraker]
• Country first: Sarah Palin thinks that the founding fathers said the Pledge of Allegiance. [Michael Tomasky]
• Thanks to Gustav, Barack Obama — the topical character who is not Sarah, Trig or Bristol Palin — had to cut short his motown karaoke crusade for Change. [Top of the Ticket]
• Sheriff Lott in the war-torn South Carolina has a new tank, complete with a belt-fed, turreted machine gun, the caliber of which is so horrific that even the US Army doesn’t like to use it. It is called the Peacemaker because of course. [Hit & Run]

“Bristol Palin, one of Alaska Gov. Palin’s five children with her husband, Todd, is about five months pregnant and is going to keep the child and marry the father, the Palins said in a statement released by the campaign of Republican presidential candidate John McCain.” WAIT, WHAT? MORE »

Wonkette Pregnancy Expert Sara K. Smith decrees that these whispers about Sarah Palin not being that baby’s mama are absurd, because everybody knows John Edwards is the mother of that baby. This supposed cover-up is also terrifically quaint compared to the actual crimes that Alaskan politicians commit every day: bribery, servant monkey commerce, more bribery, and of course the rape of our sacred English language. Plus didn’t everybody see The 40 Year Old Virgin? Hot grandmas are in. P.S. GODDAMMIT YOU ILLITERATE CRETINS IT IS “DOWN” SYNDROME, NOT “DOWN’S” SYNDROME. [Daily Kos]