Levi Johnston has decided to sue the only two things he is aware of: the popular Internet website Twitter and also his ex-girlfriend Bristol Palin for custody of their child, Twitter. Regarding lawsuit one: the actor William Shatner embarrassed Johnston on the Conan O’Brien show by falsely and illegally reading aloud a succession of Tweets that Levi Johnston has never even seen before. Oh and re: Bristol: Apparently it was just a hassle or whatever to visit the kid over the weekend, last weekend he thinks it was, and now he is going to court about it. “He goes on to say that he’s tried the friendly way and it’s ‘Not working. I’m done. It’s going to have to go to court. They just finally pushed me over the edge.’” Ha ha Levi Johnston is so bored. [The Insider; Daily Intel]

Our little Levi Johnston is known for one thing, and that’s putting his wang into Sarah Palin’s teen-aged daughter’s hoohah. AND YET … his Playgirl pictorial will be ruined by some type of duck blind over his ding-dong. But what will cover Wasilla’s most infamous working-class wiener? Our op-art specialist Lauri Apple has many suggestions. MORE »

Sarah Palin’s least-favorite almost-son-in-law Levi Johnston will not vanish from the public eye, ever! He’s doing a photoshoot with a website called Playgirl, which, despite its gender specific name, is actually a site for gay men who like to look at photographs of other men, naked. There is nothing wrong with this! And, you know, we are pretty happy that of the two unlikely Wasilla-based media sensations of September 2008, Sarah Palin is now an unemployed twitterer and Levi Johnston is the celebrity (?) of September 2009. Who could’ve predicted it? [Gawker/Violet Blue/The Sword]

Who doesn’t love Levi Johnston! Every magazine editor in fancy New York City has, at some point in the last few months, approached Levi and asked, “Hey, Levi, would you be willing to tell us some new hilarious embarrassing shit about Sarah Palin?”, and he’s always like, “Sure, whatever, when’s the photo shoot?” In today’s revelations, Levi appears to have given Vanity Fair the mother lode for a feature in its upcoming issue, several excerpts of which are now available. They are hilarious. MORE »

Famous bad mother Sarah Palin, hot off her successful campaign to fire David Letterman, from television, is now yelling about how some other random person hates or rapes her children. See that photoshop up there of Governor Palin with Bristol Palin’s child, Trig? We thought “Verne Troyer” too, but no, it is the head of conservative Alaskan radio host Eddie Burke, who is in love with Sarah Palin. The terrifying graphic is the work of “the liberal Alaskan blogger, Celtic Diva,” who earlier this month pushed some other story about Todd’s snowmobiling clothes. Now Palin has denounced the blogger through her evil spokesperson Meg Stapleton, who released a statement saying, “The mere idea of someone doctoring the photo of a special needs baby is appalling.” Oh.. oh MEG. MORE »

Christ, it’s not like there’s any election going on, when this public celebrity nonsense sometimes can matter, for a few hours, but here we are finally getting all intrigued-like over some snit on Todd & Sarah Palin’s Facebook page about a baseball sex joke David Letterman made on television one night. What’s going on now. Letterman apologized again last night for making whatever joke, a monologue quickie, that Sarah Palin pretended to interpret as pervert code for “I’m gonna rape your 14-year-old Willow daughter.” Now Palin has “accepted” Letterman’s lengthy apology with one of the more obnoxious statements in her endless, vapid, snarling canon. MORE »

Did you know David Letterman made a perfectly normal political-scandal joke last week about famous human whore “A-Rod” possibly impregnating Alaskan Anger Bear Wingnut Sarah Palin’s famous teen-pregnancy daughter while Sarah Palin was at Yankee Stadium? MORE »

How many daughters does Sarah Palin have? Like fourteen? Well, David Letterman made a CRUDE REMARK about one of them, apparently intending to refer to the oldest one ( “Bridgeport”) but inadvertently referring to the middle one ( “Jester”). And voila just like that a harmless “gals is always gettin’ pregnant” joke turned into a “isn’t it hilarious when 14-year-olds get raped by baseball stars” joke, so he had to apologize for that. Ugh. Everybody just needs to wash out their minds with soap — Ivory soap, the soap of virgins. [Political Ticker]

Let’s see, what do we talk about around here all the time now? Teen pregnancy, and MTV’s The Real World in Washington. Here’s a new show coming up on that very same network, but it’s about the real Real World, for Americans, which is “you get knocked up in high school” and … well, that’s about it. Unless you’re Sarah Palin’s babydaughter, generally you are never heard from again, because you will be a cashier at Food 4 Less or whatever, part time. Anyway, ignore the Target commercial at the beginning here and enjoy this tragic promo for MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, directed by our old pal Morgan J. Freeman.

• Using Google Maps and his abacus, Doug Ross proves Barack Obama has no business closing that Chrysler dealership in Mexico. [Doug Ross]
• In response to a Freedom of Information Act request filed by the ACLU, the White House grudgingly released a video of Mr. and Mrs. Obama, high on whippets, hosting a depraved Easter Egg Roll for stray boys and cats on their front lawn. [Hit & Run]
• Entirely unprepared to answer a kindergartner’s question regarding butt-sex and the 10th Amendment, Rep. John Culberson (R-TX) pulled the fire alarm and hid under a desk until he was reassured it was all over. [Think Progress]
• Someone on the teevee called adorable Scotswoman Susan Boyle a craven munter. Boyle responded by singing a glorious “Fuck Off,” hitting that hard to reach F6. Everyone in the room burst into tears and the Queen Mother presented her with the Order of the British Empire, which aside from other notable perks allows Susan’s descendants to drive sheep over Westminster Bridge. [The Daily Beast]
• Shameless mechaphiliac and incumbent First Gentleman of Alaska Todd Palin begged his daughter to dump her semen-filled human boyfriend and have unprotected sex with a shiny new Chrysler instead. [HuffPost]

CAN’T CALL HER ‘DROPOUT’ NO MORE: Hey everybody, America’s favorite Alaskan teen mom graduated high school after all! Hopefully she’ll follow in her mom’s footsteps: Five community colleges, a BA in journamalism, and then kill off whatever’s left of the GOP. Mazel tov, Bris! [People/Gawker]