Tag Archives: bristol palin

  No YOUR Mom

Bristol Palin Says Obama’s The REAL Lazy Half-Term Gov. Quitterface Grifter Queen

He can’t even Bristol Palin’s ghostblogger has a real important question, you guys: Remember when my mom put a jet on eBay to save Alaska much-needed money? Well, yes, we remember how she listed it on eBay, and also how nobody bought it on eBay, but go on: Read more on Bristol Palin Says Obama’s The REAL Lazy Half-Term Gov. Quitterface Grifter Queen…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won't be there. OR WILL SHE?
Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won’t be there. OR WILL SHE? Hey Wonkers! We had a big week! Did YOU have a big week in your job? Just kidding, this post is not about you. Did you hear the big news about how Editrix Becca invested in a Winnebago for the Wonkette, so we can do onsite “journalism” at the Iowa caucuses and the Republican convention and wherever else news is happening? Or wherever else we decide to do drinky things. We are going to do ALL the activities, and you should be very excited. Read more on Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Grift on you crazy diamond

Sarah Palin Finds New Job To Quit

At least until Labor Day we guess.
At least until Labor Day we guess. Hurray for Sarah Palin, who is fun-employed no more! It was just the beginning of July when she announced, to very little fanfare, that she would be closing the books on her most recent “job,” which was yammering at a camera about bullshit on the Sarah Palin Channel for somewhere between 5 and 7 minutes per week, for the edification of her “subscribers.” (Yr Wonkette was a subscriber! Where’s the Sarah Palin koozie we were promised?) Read more on Sarah Palin Finds New Job To Quit…
  And now you're throwing up

Megyn Kelly Gives Ted Nugent Cat Scratch Fever, In His Penis

A song about Megyn Kelly, apparently.
A song about Megyn Kelly, apparently. Well, this argument about whether Donald Trump or Megyn Kelly is the biggest sexist is officially OVER, even more than when Bristol Palin finally commented on the situation, because Ted Nugent has spoken, and what do you know, he said something really gross. You see, he COMES down on the side of Donald Trump, except for when he’s CUMMING on his television, because Megyn Kelly is on the screen, being all dreamy-like, and the combination of that, and the phallic gun in his hand, and the fact that he is SITTING THERE NAKED, just overtakes his NOOOOGE Peen, and he can’t help but squeeze off a couple rounds. Rich Lowry only WISHES his Sarah Palin Penile Starbursts had this much muzzle velocity: Read more on Megyn Kelly Gives Ted Nugent Cat Scratch Fever, In His Penis…
  LISTEN UP ASSHOLES

Bristol Palin Takes Break From ISIS Battle To Slob Trump’s Knob

Bristol is here with the final word on ALL THIS BUSINESS.
Bristol is here with the final word on ALL THIS BUSINESS. Attention, everyone, for Our Lady Of However Many Immaculate Conceptions, Bristol Palin, has taken to the blogotubes to discuss how the media is doing all the liberal censorship crimes to our prince and Palin family hero Donald Trump, just because he said Megyn Kelly did a bad job moderating that debate due to profuse bleeding from her “wherever.” It’s a bad situation because, for one thing, Bristol is way too busy to be commenting on such things, but WHEN HER NATION CALLS, she answers. Today, we will be discussing “decency,” or Bristol’s concept of it at least. Take it away, Mama Morals: Read more on Bristol Palin Takes Break From ISIS Battle To Slob Trump’s Knob…
  Cash she wants cash

What The Hell Does Sarah Palin Want Now?

The face of the Republican Party.
The face of the Republican Party. Does Sarah want to be vice president when Donald Trump becomes “president,” because he already said he wants to tap her, in a government way? Does she want to Maverick her way into the You Betcha spot at the last minute and run for president? (Probably not, presidents don’t usually quit halfway through their terms unless they’ve been caught doing Watergate.) Is she just GRIFTING FOR CASH LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES, because it beats getting a real job? All these questions come to mind as we watch this new “documentary” on how awesome she is, conveniently released the same week as the first Republican primary, because Palin has never seen limelight she didn’t want to toss word salad in the middle of. Read more on What The Hell Does Sarah Palin Want Now?…
  also lawyers and guns

Wonkette Es Broked, Please Send Money

Are you reading your Wonkette right now, getting all the important Donald Trump and Sarah Palin and Dana Perino’s husband arrested news? PROBABLY NOT! Our computer machine thingy is probably down RIGHT NOW!!! Funny story! Actually it isn’t, it is very boring, but what is funny is that our husband, Shypixel, is in charge of making the hamsters run for our Internet-machine to work, and the mean people who own the hamsters have killed all the hamsters, and then they are telling Shypixel HE IS THE REAL MURDERER! Read more on Wonkette Es Broked, Please Send Money…
  Wonket Does Not Allow Comments And Here's The Best One Today

Look Upon This Comment Of The Day And Weep, Ye Mighty

Now with Kerning!
Okay, people, you can all just stop trying today. In fact, we might just as well take the rest of the week off until Kaili gets back from “vacation,” because today, the internet has already been won in the comments on our Colorado IUD Success Story Must Die piece. As you may recall, since it was just a few hours ago, the story noted that Colorado’s program to distribute birth control to young women had reduced both teen pregnancies and teen abortions by impressive amounts, which means that Republicans have to kill the program because that means teens are doing sex without life-ruining consequences, which just won’t do. Read more on Look Upon This Comment Of The Day And Weep, Ye Mighty…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Sarah Palin Declares Independence From Pretending To Be Employed. Your Weekly Top Ten.

THE CUTEST.
Hey Wonkers, happy Fourth of July weekend and shit! Do you need a nap? We sure do! Let’s all snuggle dressed like burritos after we read this post, like Wonkette baby, pictured above. (Did you SEE Editrix’s baby pictures post this morning? If you didn’t, you should go look at it!) Read more on Sarah Palin Declares Independence From Pretending To Be Employed. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  mommyblogging

Bristol Palin A Smidge Displeased With All You MOTHERFARKING JERKFACE BITCHEZ!

Bristol is here with the final word on ALL THIS BUSINESS.
Now that Bristol Palin has announced her second or third pregnancy — whatever — all without the benefit of God and Jesus claiming holy Prima Nocta up in her wedding-night bed, she is SUPER-BUMMED about it, and that is whatever the opposite of “sad” is, because girl can go fuck herself, right in the ear. But now there is a newsflash, and that is that Bristol Palin is lying, because her mouth is moving. Fuck you all, said Bristol Palin (direct quote, actually!), I planned this baby I was so sad about having just a few days ago, bet you feel pretty stupid now huh homos and assorted other libtard jerks! Read more on Bristol Palin A Smidge Displeased With All You MOTHERFARKING JERKFACE BITCHEZ!…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Gay Marriage, Confederate Flags, And Bristol Palin’s Immaculate Conception! Your Weekly Top Ten.

She is such an impressive baby!
Hello, Wonkers, what a week we had! The Confederate flag died a timely death, Obamacare was saved AGAIN, and we now have the mandatory gay marriage the country has been craving for so long. Have you found your gay husband or wife yet? If not, you should find one in the comments, which are not allowed! Also, important update on Wonkette babby! As you can see above, she is now teaching math at the local university, isn’t that exciting? Read more on Gay Marriage, Confederate Flags, And Bristol Palin’s Immaculate Conception! Your Weekly Top Ten….
  they see him ridin' they hatin'

President Lindsey Graham Doesn’t Need First Lady, Hos Can Just Take Turns

The Lindsey Graham Sex Game Show, Starring Lindsey Graham
Confirmed bachelor and official ladies’ man Sen. Lindsey Graham, who is under the impression he is running for president, got asked a real tough question Tuesday: Hey, since you don’t have a pretty, doting wife, who will be the First Lady of America when you are president? Graham’s answer was very bad! No for serious, this is what he said, to the Daily Mail: Read more on President Lindsey Graham Doesn’t Need First Lady, Hos Can Just Take Turns…
  Oh FFS also too

Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin Gives Duggars Tongue Bath Just Like She Does With Her Own Cubs

Which one is the grossest? Yes!
Terrible people Sarah Palin and Bristol Palin have finally speaked some words, on the internet, about their fellow reality TV fame whores, the Duggars, and you will never guess what they have to say about Josh diddling his kid sisters. Did you guess the Palins are of having disgust, because of how they also too love The Children and ewwww, gross, the Duggars are some SICK MOTHERBASTARDS who covered up their son molesting their daughters and then shoved cameras in their The Children’s faces, for money? And they are even SICKER MOTHERBASTARDS for defending themselves to, we are guessing, rehabilitate themselves to seal that deal for a spinoff reality TV show, for more money? HAHAHAHA, who is of being A Idiot NOW, huh? You is! Read more on Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin Gives Duggars Tongue Bath Just Like She Does With Her Own Cubs…
  Mad About A Thing

Family Values Republicans Just Fine With Gross Duggar Family Sex-Criming

Fun-employed
Are we even remotely surprised that the oh-so-holy Family ValuesTM Duggars have been keeping a dirty secret about that time Josh Duggar repeatedly molested his sisters, and his parents knew and did not do a goddamned thing about it, except for (eventually) sending him off to sex rehab to learn about how his slutty sisters sinfully tempted him, so it’s not really his fault anyway? No. No, we are not. Read more on Family Values Republicans Just Fine With Gross Duggar Family Sex-Criming…