Tag Archives: breitbart

  America: Where preventing child murder is controversial

Country Stars Tim McGraw, Billy Currington In False-Flag Gun-Grabbing Sandy Hook Slapfight!

Tim McGraw's gonna have to pry the guns out of his own songs!
Remember the Sandy Hook school massacre? The one where 20 first-graders were gunned down by a crazed shooter named Adam Lanza? Yes, that one. Tim McGraw announced this week that he would be headlining a concert in Hartford, Connecticut, to benefit Sandy Hook Promise, a America-hating, gun-grabbing nonprofit group that seeks to protect kids from getting murdered, with guns. Sounds innocuous enough, right? Not for America’s rabid gun-humpers! No, not even the Sandy Hook massacre was horrifying enough to get those fine patriots to reconsider their position on gun control. Those kids are just collateral damage we guess — assuming they existed! Also scheduled to perform were Billy Currington and Chase Bryant, but oh wait, after being relentlessly attacked by wingnuts, Billy Currington has decided to be a pussy and pull out. Let’s examine in further detail! Read more on Country Stars Tim McGraw, Billy Currington In False-Flag Gun-Grabbing Sandy Hook Slapfight!…
  Next She'll Say Poverty Causes Crime Or Something

Crazy CA Rep. Barbara Lee: Global Warming Will Turn Womenfolk Into Common Whores

What a nut!
So you know how from time to time we have a good laugh at the logic of wingnut politicians and preachers who claim a causal link between two obviously disparate things, like “taking prayer out of the schools led to Sandy Hook” or “Gays, abortion, and the ACLU caused 9/11″ — that sort of thing? Well, thank goodness, now the rightwing has an example of a completely insane causal connection being predicted by a Democrat, so we suppose we’d better shut up! You see, California Rep. Barbara Lee has this crazy idea that global warming will turn women into prostitutes! Read more on Crazy CA Rep. Barbara Lee: Global Warming Will Turn Womenfolk Into Common Whores…
  This Is The Worst Cruz I've Ever Been On

All Your Excited Reactions To Ted Cruz’s Big Presidential Jesus Announcement

These Rand Paul supporters were excited to be in the front row
Ted Cruz is ready to take America down the Jesus Road to national salvation, and some people are more excited about that than others. On the one hand, you have your Tea Party Nation, which declares Cruz “the only electable Republican” because he’s very smart and is “not handcuffed with the consultant class” that has kept Real Conservatives from winning the GOP nomination, and hence the presidency. And then there are fans of other candidates, like the Liberty University students in the photo above, who wore their “Stand With Rand” t-shirts for Rand Paul and made a point of sitting in the front row. Read more on All Your Excited Reactions To Ted Cruz’s Big Presidential Jesus Announcement…
  If the milk's free nobody will buy any cows

Fox Panel Pretty Sure Nobody Gets Married Because Ladies Give Away All Their Sex

When it’s time to learn about sex trends, it’s time to check in with Andrea Tantaros, dumb former vee-jay Kennedy and the rest of the crew on Fox’s Outnumbered, who have their fingers right on the G-spot of culture. So why is nobody getting married anymore? Andrea Tantaros poses that question to Dr. Manny Alvarez, who says that it’s because immigrants are always getting together and deciding to have babies, but they forget to get married because it’s not part of their “culture.” He also says that nobody is “paying attention” to marriage, not heteros, not homos, not nobody never. Read more on Fox Panel Pretty Sure Nobody Gets Married Because Ladies Give Away All Their Sex…
  location location causation

Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously

parking not included
Were you concerned conservatives would never locate the real “smoking gun” that proves the Great Global Warming Hoax? Well, hold on to your coal, Holy Rollers, because Breitbart LLC finally unearthed definitive proof of the Greenstapo’s climate conspiracy: New York City real estate is really fucking expensive! Read more on Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously…
  She so S-M-R-T

Bristol Palin Says Her Mom Invented Impeachment, You’re Welcome

Constitutional expert up in here
via Bristol’s FacePlace page Yes, most people in ‘Merica agree that impeaching the president for thinking he’s some kind of president or something would be a really stupid idea, but Bristol Palin’s ghost blogger wants you to know it was Bristol’s mom’s stupid idea first: Read more on Bristol Palin Says Her Mom Invented Impeachment, You’re Welcome…
  louie louie

Louie Gohmert Takes His Crucifixion Porn Fetish To The Floor Of The House

fap fap fap
Up top is Texas toadstool Louie Gohmert on the House floor a little while ago, giving one of those speeches that reminds us all he is democracy’s greatest orator since Cicero. What important topic could the toadstool be expounding on, with visual aids that appear to be blown-up stills from the final scene of Spartacus? Let’s listen in. Read more on Louie Gohmert Takes His Crucifixion Porn Fetish To The Floor Of The House…
  All Lorettas Look The Same To Us

Breitbart Very Very Very Sorry About Its Journalism, For Sure

This fuckin' guy.
Breitbart “reporter” Warner Todd Huston, who wrote the offending article. We have not Photoshopped this image. Mistakes — we all make ‘em! Admitting when you’re wrong helps build credibility with your audience, and it is also too the Right Thing To Do. Read more on Breitbart Very Very Very Sorry About Its Journalism, For Sure…
  Very Serious Journalism

Dumb White House Spokesman Cannot Even Answer Simple Question What A Jerk

OMG, you guys, the White House is in total denial about the results of Tuesday’s election, but thankfully, the Very Serious Journalists of the White House press corps are ON IT. And Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home For Cocaine-Fueled Journalismists is ON THEM being ON IT, thank Jesus. Read more on Dumb White House Spokesman Cannot Even Answer Simple Question What A Jerk…
  its a gas gas gas

U.S. Found Chemical Weapons In Iraq, All Right (The Ones We Gave Saddam)

Oh, never mind: It says 'Made in USA'
The New York Times has a huge Pulitzer-bait story by C.J. Chivers about injuries to U.S. military forces from old, unstable chemical weapons in Iraq, and how the Bush administration and the Pentagon covered it all up. It’s big, it’s a jaw-dropping exposé of shoddy treatment of soldiers, and you should read it. Read more on U.S. Found Chemical Weapons In Iraq, All Right (The Ones We Gave Saddam)…
  poutine on airs

Ted Cruz Will Fix Constitution So Judges Can’t Gay Us Anymore

Even Harvard makes mistakes
With the Supreme Court cramming the civilization-wrecking horror of gay marriage down America’s throat until it tickled our epiglottis and coated our larynx with sweet, milky equality, we were expecting waves of hysterical overreactions from wingnuts everywhere. Sure, there were a few. Gay-panic vector Bryan Fischer worked himself into his usual froth at the idea of the Court legitimizing “sodomy-based marriage.” Genocide Ben Shapiro threw a hilarious temper tantrum in the satin-lined nooks of Dead Breitbart’s Mausoleum for Cocaine-Fueled Rage Monkeys, citing 2003’s Lawrence v. Texas decision as a related case that found “anal penetration was a hard-fought Constitutional right.” Organizations like the National Organization for Marriage (NOM … oh, nom nom nom) issued an incoherent denouncement threatening to behead – with votes – any Republican lawmakers who did not reaffirm the principle of traditional marriage, “a pillar of the party’s founding in 1856.” (Somewhere in the afterlife, John C. Fremont looked up and said, “What?”) But mostly, the reaction felt muted. Read more on Ted Cruz Will Fix Constitution So Judges Can’t Gay Us Anymore…
  Another Hotbed Of Extremism (We Mean Breitbart)

Dead Breitbart Outraged Muslims Helped Rebuild Oklahoma After Tornado

Muslim sharks will behead you!
Hey, just how paranoid and crazy is Dead Breitbart today? Well, howzabout this here headline? WHITE HOUSE SENDS ‘THANK YOU’ TO BEHEADER’S OKLAHOMA MOSQUE CONGREGATION Good gracious gravy, why is the White House praising the nest of vipers that spawned Oklahoma beheader man Alton Nolen? After all, as all right-wingers know, Nolen singlehandedly brought Jihad to America a couple weeks back when he cut off a woman’s head in a horrible murder, even though the local DA continues to think, wrongly of course, that Nolen was more motivated by being fired for being a racist than by his religion — probably because, as everyone knows, Oklahoma prosecutors are so notoriously PC. Read more on Dead Breitbart Outraged Muslims Helped Rebuild Oklahoma After Tornado…
  Walker's Irregulars

Wisconsin Militia Will Save Election From Criminal Democrats (And Not Just The Black Ones)

Republicans in Wisconsin, and those few Democrats who are not criminals, should be feeling extra safe about Election Day this November. That’s because some anti-labor irregulars left over from the Wisconsin Union Wars are vowing to protect democracy from the many tax dodgers and fugitives who might be tempted to vote against Republican governor and urine enthusiast Scott Walker. Read more on Wisconsin Militia Will Save Election From Criminal Democrats (And Not Just The Black Ones)…
  Freakoutbreak

Obama Declares War On Ebola. Wingnuts Discover Ebola Just Misunderstood.

You can always find a scary Obama image, no matter the topic
The U.S. government will be sending 3,000 troops to West Africa to help build treatment centers and coordinate services in the fight against the Ebola outbreak. President Obama announced the initiative during a visit to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta Tuesday. The deployment will be done in coordination with the World Health Organization and will be centered in Liberia, where the virus has hit the hardest. The U.S. effort will build 17 treatment centers in that country and will eventually be training 500 healthcare workers a week in patient care and in sanitary procedures to prevent the spread of the virus. America will also be distributing sanitation kits to affected families and, sad part, distributing over 5000 body bags to municipal health authorities. Still, good on us! Read more on Obama Declares War On Ebola. Wingnuts Discover Ebola Just Misunderstood….
  If April flowers bring gay showers...wait...

Ben Shapiro Just Doesn’t Get Why These Gays Have To Ruin Sports With Politics

Whey-faced anger bear Ben Shapiro has never met an issue he could not connect to the scourge of leftism and political correctness that is ruining America for whiny, snot-nosed, privileged jerks like Ben Shapiro. Today’s example: This highly unintelligent screed over at Dead Breitbart’s Internet Crypt for Koala-Fondling Lechers, in which Genocide Ben, taking as his jumping-off point the recent controversy over an ESPN report on the showering habits of openly gay sportsballer Michael Sam and his teammates, whines about how politics have invaded American sports. Damn liberals! Always ruining our cherished American institutions where large men beat the crap out of each other while trying to advance an oblong pigskin an arbitrarily conceived distance in a contest of skill and strength. Read more on Ben Shapiro Just Doesn’t Get Why These Gays Have To Ruin Sports With Politics…
  Does this racism look racist to you?

Today Is Michael Brown’s Funeral So Of Course Wingnuts Are Pissed About That

Great question, if you're A Idiot
Today is the funeral of Michael Brown, the unarmed teenager shot to death by Officer Darren Wilson. For people made of actual human being parts, this is a sad and solemn affair. However, in wingnut world, where Officer Wilson is some kind of hero and Brown (a black man) had it comin’ (because black man) what with being a thug (aka black man) hopped up on reefer (like a black man) and also too black (BLACK MAN!!!), it is A OUTRAGE! Read more on Today Is Michael Brown’s Funeral So Of Course Wingnuts Are Pissed About That…
  screeeeeeeech

Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store

You might remember that earlier this year, Pennsylvania had gay marriage rammed down its throat and we rejoiced and were glad. But in a weird quirk of Santorum law, though the gays can get hitched in Pennsylvania, they are not actually protected under discrimination laws. Read more on Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store…
  i believe i can fly

Breitbart Shocker: Somali Pirates Dressed As Guatemalan Children Flying Commercial With No ID’s? (Unclear)

Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home For The Criminally Petulant has landed another hot scoopty-scoop today, following their masterful expose of Adidas-manufactured terrist prayer rugs. And that scoop? All those border children who are, eventually, released to family members in the United States while they wait for their George W. Bush-sanctioned due process, are allowed to fly on planes to meet those family members even though they don’t even have a drivers license or US passport. Because of how they are children. But! explains Breitbart, how do we know they are not Somali pirates in disguise? Like that one movie where the couple adopts the little girl, but she is actually 34 years old, and also a Yemeni bomber? That movie was scary. AND WHAT ABOUT THE SCABIES? Will nobody think about the scabies? Read more on Breitbart Shocker: Somali Pirates Dressed As Guatemalan Children Flying Commercial With No ID’s? (Unclear)…
  i saw something nasty in the arroyo

Dead Breitbart Freaks Out Over ‘Muslim Prayer Rug’ Found Near Border, Sheeple See Only A ‘Shirt’

Dead Breitbart’s Little Sisters of Perpetual Fear ran this breathless headline the other day, indisputable proof that al Qaeda terrorists are sneaking through our porous borders™, perhaps disguised as seven-year-old Guatemalan children: Muslim Prayer Rug Found on Arizona Border by Independent American Security Contractors Be afraid! Be very afraid! Because not only are the terrorists sneaking through our porous borders™, they’re also either so clumsy or so brazenly certain that they won’t be caught that they’re casually tossing their discarder prayer rugs in the arroyos of the Sonoran desert in Arizona. Read more on Dead Breitbart Freaks Out Over ‘Muslim Prayer Rug’ Found Near Border, Sheeple See Only A ‘Shirt’…
  stop accusing people of rape! stop accusing people of rape!

Breitbart Has A London Bureau So They Can Call British Rape Victims Sluts

Well how’s this for brand expansion? At some point that we were blessedly unaware of, the Breitbart Empire got itself a London bureau, and yesterday it ran a thoughtful piece explaining that, for the sake of not harming any innocent victims, anonymity for rape suspects should be the norm. After all, no decent fellow should become the victim of what the headline calls “Slut’s Remorse,” which happens all the time, because you know how women are, the sluts. Don’t these women have any idea how painful a rape accusation can be? Read more on Breitbart Has A London Bureau So They Can Call British Rape Victims Sluts…
  They're Under the bed

Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!

So, everybody was all Happy and Nice Timey about the New York Police Department ditching its “Demographics Unit,” a.k.a. Muslim surveillance unit, right? All it did was anger New York and New Jersey’s Muslim communities and screw with civil liberties, whilst producing exactly bupkis in terms of counter-terrorist intelligence, so everyone said, “Good riddance,” no? N-O, the answer is no, not everyone was happy to see this waste of money come to an end, because what part of Muslims do you not understand? Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home for Hysterical Xenophobes is SO MAD, you guys, about how political correctness has rolled the red carpet out for Al Qaeda to just attack New York whenever they want, go right ahead, nobody will stop you. As Breibart’s National Security Editor “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka notes, the NYPD has completely surrendered and is just waiting for Al Qaeda to come apply for murder permits at One Police Plaza. Read more on Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!…
  come see the violence inherent in the system!

Al Franken Can’t Stop Playing With His Big Fake Breasts (Video)

BREAKING BREITBART SCOOP MUST CREDIT BREITBART! In 2012, Minnesota Sen. Al Franken was videotaped goofing around with a couple of small traffic cones. Charlie Spiering, a Very Concerned Horcrux of Breitbart, offers this analysis: Since his narrow election to the Senate in 2009, Sen. Al Franken has labored to create a new image for himself as a studious wonk. But it looks like he still retains the racy sense of humor that originally landed him on Saturday Night Live. A new video obtained by Breitbart News shows the former comedian and left-wing pundit playing with a pair of traffic cones pretending they were a pair of female breasts. Franken is seen in the video holding two cones to his chest and grinning in an apparent flash of comedy. Yes, women’s breasts are “funny” to Al Franken. SHAME AL FRANKEN. SHAME. Or possibly he was making a Madonna joke, which would be sadly out of date but also the first thing that comes to mind. Shocking video after the jump!!! Read more on Al Franken Can’t Stop Playing With His Big Fake Breasts (Video)…