Tag Archives: breitbart

  location location causation

Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously

parking not included
Were you concerned conservatives would never locate the real “smoking gun” that proves the Great Global Warming Hoax? Well, hold on to your coal, Holy Rollers, because Breitbart LLC finally unearthed definitive proof of the Greenstapo’s climate conspiracy: New York City real estate is really fucking expensive! Read more on Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously…
  She so S-M-R-T

Bristol Palin Says Her Mom Invented Impeachment, You’re Welcome

Constitutional expert up in here
via Bristol’s FacePlace page Yes, most people in ‘Merica agree that impeaching the president for thinking he’s some kind of president or something would be a really stupid idea, but Bristol Palin’s ghost blogger wants you to know it was Bristol’s mom’s stupid idea first: Read more on Bristol Palin Says Her Mom Invented Impeachment, You’re Welcome…
  louie louie

Louie Gohmert Takes His Crucifixion Porn Fetish To The Floor Of The House

fap fap fap
Up top is Texas toadstool Louie Gohmert on the House floor a little while ago, giving one of those speeches that reminds us all he is democracy’s greatest orator since Cicero. What important topic could the toadstool be expounding on, with visual aids that appear to be blown-up stills from the final scene of Spartacus? Let’s listen in. Read more on Louie Gohmert Takes His Crucifixion Porn Fetish To The Floor Of The House…
  All Lorettas Look The Same To Us

Breitbart Very Very Very Sorry About Its Journalism, For Sure

This fuckin' guy.
Breitbart “reporter” Warner Todd Huston, who wrote the offending article. We have not Photoshopped this image. Mistakes — we all make ‘em! Admitting when you’re wrong helps build credibility with your audience, and it is also too the Right Thing To Do. Read more on Breitbart Very Very Very Sorry About Its Journalism, For Sure…
  Very Serious Journalism

Dumb White House Spokesman Cannot Even Answer Simple Question What A Jerk

OMG, you guys, the White House is in total denial about the results of Tuesday’s election, but thankfully, the Very Serious Journalists of the White House press corps are ON IT. And Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home For Cocaine-Fueled Journalismists is ON THEM being ON IT, thank Jesus. Read more on Dumb White House Spokesman Cannot Even Answer Simple Question What A Jerk…
  its a gas gas gas

U.S. Found Chemical Weapons In Iraq, All Right (The Ones We Gave Saddam)

Oh, never mind: It says 'Made in USA'
The New York Times has a huge Pulitzer-bait story by C.J. Chivers about injuries to U.S. military forces from old, unstable chemical weapons in Iraq, and how the Bush administration and the Pentagon covered it all up. It’s big, it’s a jaw-dropping exposé of shoddy treatment of soldiers, and you should read it. Read more on U.S. Found Chemical Weapons In Iraq, All Right (The Ones We Gave Saddam)…
  poutine on airs

Ted Cruz Will Fix Constitution So Judges Can’t Gay Us Anymore

Even Harvard makes mistakes
With the Supreme Court cramming the civilization-wrecking horror of gay marriage down America’s throat until it tickled our epiglottis and coated our larynx with sweet, milky equality, we were expecting waves of hysterical overreactions from wingnuts everywhere. Sure, there were a few. Gay-panic vector Bryan Fischer worked himself into his usual froth at the idea of the Court legitimizing “sodomy-based marriage.” Genocide Ben Shapiro threw a hilarious temper tantrum in the satin-lined nooks of Dead Breitbart’s Mausoleum for Cocaine-Fueled Rage Monkeys, citing 2003’s Lawrence v. Texas decision as a related case that found “anal penetration was a hard-fought Constitutional right.” Organizations like the National Organization for Marriage (NOM … oh, nom nom nom) issued an incoherent denouncement threatening to behead – with votes – any Republican lawmakers who did not reaffirm the principle of traditional marriage, “a pillar of the party’s founding in 1856.” (Somewhere in the afterlife, John C. Fremont looked up and said, “What?”) But mostly, the reaction felt muted. Read more on Ted Cruz Will Fix Constitution So Judges Can’t Gay Us Anymore…
  Another Hotbed Of Extremism (We Mean Breitbart)

Dead Breitbart Outraged Muslims Helped Rebuild Oklahoma After Tornado

Muslim sharks will behead you!
Hey, just how paranoid and crazy is Dead Breitbart today? Well, howzabout this here headline? WHITE HOUSE SENDS ‘THANK YOU’ TO BEHEADER’S OKLAHOMA MOSQUE CONGREGATION Good gracious gravy, why is the White House praising the nest of vipers that spawned Oklahoma beheader man Alton Nolen? After all, as all right-wingers know, Nolen singlehandedly brought Jihad to America a couple weeks back when he cut off a woman’s head in a horrible murder, even though the local DA continues to think, wrongly of course, that Nolen was more motivated by being fired for being a racist than by his religion — probably because, as everyone knows, Oklahoma prosecutors are so notoriously PC. Read more on Dead Breitbart Outraged Muslims Helped Rebuild Oklahoma After Tornado…
  Walker's Irregulars

Wisconsin Militia Will Save Election From Criminal Democrats (And Not Just The Black Ones)

Republicans in Wisconsin, and those few Democrats who are not criminals, should be feeling extra safe about Election Day this November. That’s because some anti-labor irregulars left over from the Wisconsin Union Wars are vowing to protect democracy from the many tax dodgers and fugitives who might be tempted to vote against Republican governor and urine enthusiast Scott Walker. Read more on Wisconsin Militia Will Save Election From Criminal Democrats (And Not Just The Black Ones)…
  Freakoutbreak

Obama Declares War On Ebola. Wingnuts Discover Ebola Just Misunderstood.

You can always find a scary Obama image, no matter the topic
The U.S. government will be sending 3,000 troops to West Africa to help build treatment centers and coordinate services in the fight against the Ebola outbreak. President Obama announced the initiative during a visit to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta Tuesday. The deployment will be done in coordination with the World Health Organization and will be centered in Liberia, where the virus has hit the hardest. The U.S. effort will build 17 treatment centers in that country and will eventually be training 500 healthcare workers a week in patient care and in sanitary procedures to prevent the spread of the virus. America will also be distributing sanitation kits to affected families and, sad part, distributing over 5000 body bags to municipal health authorities. Still, good on us! Read more on Obama Declares War On Ebola. Wingnuts Discover Ebola Just Misunderstood….
  If April flowers bring gay showers...wait...

Ben Shapiro Just Doesn’t Get Why These Gays Have To Ruin Sports With Politics

Whey-faced anger bear Ben Shapiro has never met an issue he could not connect to the scourge of leftism and political correctness that is ruining America for whiny, snot-nosed, privileged jerks like Ben Shapiro. Today’s example: This highly unintelligent screed over at Dead Breitbart’s Internet Crypt for Koala-Fondling Lechers, in which Genocide Ben, taking as his jumping-off point the recent controversy over an ESPN report on the showering habits of openly gay sportsballer Michael Sam and his teammates, whines about how politics have invaded American sports. Damn liberals! Always ruining our cherished American institutions where large men beat the crap out of each other while trying to advance an oblong pigskin an arbitrarily conceived distance in a contest of skill and strength. Read more on Ben Shapiro Just Doesn’t Get Why These Gays Have To Ruin Sports With Politics…
  Does this racism look racist to you?

Today Is Michael Brown’s Funeral So Of Course Wingnuts Are Pissed About That

Great question, if you're A Idiot
Today is the funeral of Michael Brown, the unarmed teenager shot to death by Officer Darren Wilson. For people made of actual human being parts, this is a sad and solemn affair. However, in wingnut world, where Officer Wilson is some kind of hero and Brown (a black man) had it comin’ (because black man) what with being a thug (aka black man) hopped up on reefer (like a black man) and also too black (BLACK MAN!!!), it is A OUTRAGE! Read more on Today Is Michael Brown’s Funeral So Of Course Wingnuts Are Pissed About That…
  screeeeeeeech

Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store

You might remember that earlier this year, Pennsylvania had gay marriage rammed down its throat and we rejoiced and were glad. But in a weird quirk of Santorum law, though the gays can get hitched in Pennsylvania, they are not actually protected under discrimination laws. Read more on Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store…
  i believe i can fly

Breitbart Shocker: Somali Pirates Dressed As Guatemalan Children Flying Commercial With No ID’s? (Unclear)

Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home For The Criminally Petulant has landed another hot scoopty-scoop today, following their masterful expose of Adidas-manufactured terrist prayer rugs. And that scoop? All those border children who are, eventually, released to family members in the United States while they wait for their George W. Bush-sanctioned due process, are allowed to fly on planes to meet those family members even though they don’t even have a drivers license or US passport. Because of how they are children. But! explains Breitbart, how do we know they are not Somali pirates in disguise? Like that one movie where the couple adopts the little girl, but she is actually 34 years old, and also a Yemeni bomber? That movie was scary. AND WHAT ABOUT THE SCABIES? Will nobody think about the scabies? Read more on Breitbart Shocker: Somali Pirates Dressed As Guatemalan Children Flying Commercial With No ID’s? (Unclear)…
  i saw something nasty in the arroyo

Dead Breitbart Freaks Out Over ‘Muslim Prayer Rug’ Found Near Border, Sheeple See Only A ‘Shirt’

Dead Breitbart’s Little Sisters of Perpetual Fear ran this breathless headline the other day, indisputable proof that al Qaeda terrorists are sneaking through our porous borders™, perhaps disguised as seven-year-old Guatemalan children: Muslim Prayer Rug Found on Arizona Border by Independent American Security Contractors Be afraid! Be very afraid! Because not only are the terrorists sneaking through our porous borders™, they’re also either so clumsy or so brazenly certain that they won’t be caught that they’re casually tossing their discarder prayer rugs in the arroyos of the Sonoran desert in Arizona. Read more on Dead Breitbart Freaks Out Over ‘Muslim Prayer Rug’ Found Near Border, Sheeple See Only A ‘Shirt’…
  stop accusing people of rape! stop accusing people of rape!

Breitbart Has A London Bureau So They Can Call British Rape Victims Sluts

Well how’s this for brand expansion? At some point that we were blessedly unaware of, the Breitbart Empire got itself a London bureau, and yesterday it ran a thoughtful piece explaining that, for the sake of not harming any innocent victims, anonymity for rape suspects should be the norm. After all, no decent fellow should become the victim of what the headline calls “Slut’s Remorse,” which happens all the time, because you know how women are, the sluts. Don’t these women have any idea how painful a rape accusation can be? Read more on Breitbart Has A London Bureau So They Can Call British Rape Victims Sluts…
  They're Under the bed

Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!

So, everybody was all Happy and Nice Timey about the New York Police Department ditching its “Demographics Unit,” a.k.a. Muslim surveillance unit, right? All it did was anger New York and New Jersey’s Muslim communities and screw with civil liberties, whilst producing exactly bupkis in terms of counter-terrorist intelligence, so everyone said, “Good riddance,” no? N-O, the answer is no, not everyone was happy to see this waste of money come to an end, because what part of Muslims do you not understand? Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home for Hysterical Xenophobes is SO MAD, you guys, about how political correctness has rolled the red carpet out for Al Qaeda to just attack New York whenever they want, go right ahead, nobody will stop you. As Breibart’s National Security Editor “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka notes, the NYPD has completely surrendered and is just waiting for Al Qaeda to come apply for murder permits at One Police Plaza. Read more on Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!…
  come see the violence inherent in the system!

Al Franken Can’t Stop Playing With His Big Fake Breasts (Video)

BREAKING BREITBART SCOOP MUST CREDIT BREITBART! In 2012, Minnesota Sen. Al Franken was videotaped goofing around with a couple of small traffic cones. Charlie Spiering, a Very Concerned Horcrux of Breitbart, offers this analysis: Since his narrow election to the Senate in 2009, Sen. Al Franken has labored to create a new image for himself as a studious wonk. But it looks like he still retains the racy sense of humor that originally landed him on Saturday Night Live. A new video obtained by Breitbart News shows the former comedian and left-wing pundit playing with a pair of traffic cones pretending they were a pair of female breasts. Franken is seen in the video holding two cones to his chest and grinning in an apparent flash of comedy. Yes, women’s breasts are “funny” to Al Franken. SHAME AL FRANKEN. SHAME. Or possibly he was making a Madonna joke, which would be sadly out of date but also the first thing that comes to mind. Shocking video after the jump!!! Read more on Al Franken Can’t Stop Playing With His Big Fake Breasts (Video)…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!

Vance McAllister has allegedly kissed his own staff! Wow, way to go Stretch! No, we are joking, we know Vance McAllister didn’t finally master yoga’s forbidden Contented Dog, he was merely allegedly kissing a lady he shouldna been kissing. Yes, a kissing scandal. You probably have to go back to the first Cleveland administration to find a quainter tale of martial infidelity among the power elite. From the video, it looked like he had a shot at second base, don’t you think? Now, to us, marital infidelity is one thing — you can decide for yourself if you wouldn’t vote for a guy or gal who says one thing and sucks another — but when McAllister started talking about getting the FBI involved, thus guaranteeing a fresh round of headlines with his name in them next to words like “Wants To Get The FBI Involved In His CHEATING SCANDAL,” that’s when we knew we were dealing with a special kind of ass. Now, onto Sexy Miley Pelosi. Sexy Miley Pelosi is a gross maybe NSFW thing that we will show you. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!…
  can't feel the love tonight

Sarah Palin Literally Scourges And Crucifies Paul Ryan For Not Hating Poors Hard Enough

Professional Eddie Munster imitator Wisconsin Republican Rep. Paul Ryan had to be feeling pretty pleased with himself yesterday, raining all over B. Barry Bamz’s football-spikin’ party with a new 10-year budget proposal. Ryan’s lil’ April Fool’s Day prank would slash domestic spending by nearly 30 percent by 2024 (BIFF!), bump up Pentagon spending WAY over current budgets (POW!) and … wait for it … repeal Obamacare and make Medicare a voucher program for private health insurance (FLAWLESS VICTORY!). So, the screeching monkey wing of the Republican party had to be pretty chuffed about Ryan’s swan song budget, as he prepares to step up from the Budget Committee to obstruct run the Ways and Means Committee as chairman, right? WRONG, you are WRONG, libtard Wonket reader person, they are the opposite of chuffed!* You see, unless you grab aholt of the wheel and steer the budget Titanic directly INTO the iceberg, you are a RINO and just Part Of The Problem. Ask Sarah Palin, who took to the Tea Party version of the Wall Street Journal editorial page (Facebook) to blast Ryan with words, that she undoubtedly wrote herself because just read them. Read more on Sarah Palin Literally Scourges And Crucifies Paul Ryan For Not Hating Poors Hard Enough…
  blessing in disguise

Intelligent Design Proponents Still So Mad At ‘Cosmos,’ Still So Happy They Can Be Mad At ‘Cosmos’

Perhaps because they got so mercilessly mocked last week, this week the evolution-denying viewers of “Cosmos” decided to take a different route than the LEAVE JESUS ALONE road they’d previously traveled. Instead, this week, we get so many much words about intelligent design’s faux-science, perhaps in the hope that we will drown in them and then the complete nonsense they are won’t matter. They also tried to trot out some leftover butthurt from last week’s episode. Man, that is some long-acting butthurt. Read more on Intelligent Design Proponents Still So Mad At ‘Cosmos,’ Still So Happy They Can Be Mad At ‘Cosmos’…
  our american taliban

‘Human Rights’ Advocate Austin Ruse Wants All Left-Wing Professors Shot Dead, Is That Too Much to Ask?

It’s always good to know that someone has a long-term plan for improving America. And Austin Ruse, the head of the “Catholic Family & Human Rights Institute,” has some ideas in that area. Ruse is tired of having to put up with offenses like seeing gay ladies on the Food Network and knowing that the Girl Scouts sell abortion cookies. And now he’s come up with a nifty way to save America from all the God-denying feminists at the root of our problem: Just shoot all the left-wing college professors. He hasn’t quite worked out the details on how this can be accomplished just yet, but he was certain enough of the value of the idea that he shared it on the American Family Association’s radio show; the audio clip now seems to be “unavailable” at their website. Read more on ‘Human Rights’ Advocate Austin Ruse Wants All Left-Wing Professors Shot Dead, Is That Too Much to Ask?…