bp
The static kill sex position procedure is slated to begin today, if it didn’t start last night while Doctor Jindal was sleeping. The process of shoving mud and shooting cement down the throat of the well may actually kill the well and nullify the need to use the relief wells. The engineers are concerned that [...]
Remember the Islands of Doctor Jindal? Well it turns out that the future president of ‘Merica may be wrong after all. Washington elites Several scientists from local universities and aquatic research centers have signed letters and sent postcards saying he is an idiot who likes to wear fur coats while looking good on the teevee.
Our dear friend Tony Hayward is sailing off to Siberia on his shiny yacht now powered by a golden kiss-in-the mail worth a cool £600,000 a year with cases of caviar and bottles of bubbly (that’s $928,500 for those of you who speak American). What will Tony do with all his Ron Paul Gold? Perhaps [...]
BP’s sacrificial Scottish piñata, Tony Hayward, is not exactly getting his life back. BP is reportedly sending him to Siberia, to run some operation there. Haha, isn’t that where the Soviets/Putin send traitors? And didn’t Washington just trade the Sexy Spy and her yuppie buddies for some Russian scientist who had been held in a [...]
This won’t come as a terrible surprise to anyone, I imagine, but the BP board is set to accept my resignation Monday evening and then all the oil in your Gulf waters will simply evaporate, as it was all my fault. Bit of levity, right? This will be my final contribution to your Wonkette, as [...]
Deathstorm Bonnie is currently taking its talents to South Beach and raining and blowing really hard but not much else. Bonnie is a disorganized mess cut up by wind shear but that isn’t stopping her from wreaking all kinds of havoc: relief-well drilling and cleanup operations have been suspended until the storm passes. It has, [...]
After losing strength over what’s left of Haiti, The Deathstorm hit open water, started gobbling steroids, and now has its eye set on breaking Hurricane Katrina’s home run record. The Deathstorm is currently named “III,” or “three” for those of you who aren’t subjects of the Roman Empire. Once it increases in strength and size [...]
Just when you thought that everything was returning to normal in the Black Gulf (OMG IS THAT RACIST?!? PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME GREAT AND POWERFUL EDITOR KEN LAYNE!!11!! BREITBART CAN HAZ TEH VIDEOS!) there appears to be a tropical death-storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Presently it has a 60% chance of forming into a [...]
David Cameron, Elizabeth Windsor’s chief boot-lick and First Lord of the Treasury, has arrived in the United States for his very first visit as master of Britain’s decaying empire (motto: “We still rule Bermuda and Pitcairn Island with an iron fist!”). He was sort of hoping that he could just get some quality time in [...]
Now that the oil spill/disaster/catastrophe is finally over (?!), BP is looking into another option to seal the well called “static kill” or “bullheading.” Static Kill involves shooting heavy mud and ground-up chunks of Haley Barbour into the well. You can add these methods to “top hat,” “top kill,” and “junk shot” on the list [...]
Seepage and “undetermined anomalies at the well head” are being reported during the extended test phase of this fancy new wondercap. There are no pictures of this legendary seepage but the mere mention of the word is reminding everyone of watching uncomfortable Depends commercials with their grandparents. The Coast Guard is going to let BP [...]
BP’s futuristic space-age technobox dingus has gone nearly two whole days without leaking, or exploding, or going crazy and bursting off its mooring and burrowing further into the sea floor and opening up yet another leaky hole in the Earth’s crust, which probably means that this whole thing has been solved and you can stop [...]
Scantily clad Greenpeace and Earthjustice hippies are simultaneously covering themselves in chocolate and suing BP. Impressive. [New Orleans Times Picayune] The new contraption on the oil well is fixed again. It is ready to drink its milkshake until it breaks again. [Houston Chronicle/New York Times] Roving gangs of New Black Panthers and ACORNS vandalize BP [...]
Despite Ernest J. Pagels, Jr.’s brilliant campaign against homosexuality, abortion, and pornography, the Wisconsin GOP Convention endorsed “Oshkosh businessman” (the place or the child overalls?) Ron Johnson. This afternoon the DSCC e-mailed us a press release letting us know that Ron Johnson owns stock in evil oil spiller British Petroleum. This is supposed to make [...]
