Tag Archives: bp

  Who Will Be His Secretary of Patchouli?

Sure, Rand Paul Is Now A Tree Hugger, Why Not?

Oh, wow...his vibe is groovy for like 5 minutes, and then he's, like, a massive bummer
In yet another attempt to convince people who aren’t paying attention that he’s a totally different kind of Republican, Rand Paul has come out as a self-proclaimed “tree hugger” who thinks composting is groovy and that clean air and water are good things. These and other exciting revelations are in Paul’s exciting new book-shaped object that you couldn’t pay us enough to read, Taking a Stand: Moving Beyond Partisan Politics to Unite America, in bookstores today and coming soon to a remainders shelf near you. Read more on Sure, Rand Paul Is Now A Tree Hugger, Why Not?…
  drill baby drill

BP Chief To Gulf States: Suck It, Losers

This post made possible by the Patty Dumpling Endowment for Oil Spill Blogging and Bait Shop. Are there business courses specifically geared to teaching you to be a corporate dick? If there are, we have a candidate to teach a masters-level class, perhaps titled “Advanced Assholery and Dickishness in a Post-Modern American South.” Class, meet your new guru, John Minge, chairman and president of BP America. Minge is taking dickishness to a new level by trying to back out of paying claims for that teeny tiny little oil ‘spill’ that happened in the Gulf of Mexico a few years back. Read more on BP Chief To Gulf States: Suck It, Losers…
  root of all evil

Human-Shaped Bag Of Greed BP Exec Will Have To Pay Monies To Government For Profiting From Oil Spill

This post brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair For Oil Spill Blogging And Insider Trading. Sometimes we reach the end of the week and it is so hard to decide who the biggest asshole of the past seven days might have been. Was it the “performance artist” that thought it would be cool to attention whore by putting a backpack at the Boston Marathon finish line, thus bringing people to a terrified standstill yet again? How about the Missouri mayor who thought that the Kansas City shooter had some pretty neato ideas about Jews? Those guys were pretty terrible! But we have a dark horse late entry contender who might just win the week. People of Wonkette, we give you craven shitstain Keith A. Seilhan, the BP executive who dumped his BP stock after learning that the public was woefully misinformed about the extent of the spill because haha of course it was much worse. Read more on Human-Shaped Bag Of Greed BP Exec Will Have To Pay Monies To Government For Profiting From Oil Spill…
  dirt fuel

Happy Exxon Valdez 25th Anniversary Day! What Fish Will You Murder To Celebrate?

This post brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Blogging Chair For Oil Spill Clusterfucks. It’s been a quarter-century since the oil tanker Exxon Valdez spilled 11 million gallons of oil in the formerly known as pristine Prince William Sound, and here we are today still burning the earth’s toxic runny shits and farts for our convenience and pleasure. Of course, few believed back then that it would be otherwise. But at least there was reason to hope that the specific harms of the Exxon Valdez spill could be limited — that with enough Dawn dish soap and American elbow degrease, and with the nation’s disapproving glare fixed on Exxon, Prince William Sound could be properly cleaned up. Except it turns out that oil really fucking sucks. Read more on Happy Exxon Valdez 25th Anniversary Day! What Fish Will You Murder To Celebrate?…
  an honorable man

Hero Judge: Hasn’t Halliburton Dude Who Destroyed Gulf Oil Spill Evidence Suffered Enough?

This post made possible by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spill Blogging. Do you ‘member when BP went and ruined its CEO’s whole day, by having that little “whoopsie” in the Gulf of Mexico? We saw things, man. We saw eyeless shrimp. Man, good times good times. Well, the whole thing wasn’t Tony Hayward’s fault (just a lot of it was Tony Hayward’s fault). Some of it was Halliburton’s fault, because they are bad at their jobs. (This time “bad at their jobs” included a little old 200 million gallons of bubbling crude, but who is counting.) Read more on Hero Judge: Hasn’t Halliburton Dude Who Destroyed Gulf Oil Spill Evidence Suffered Enough?…
  wonksplainer

BP Pays Top Chef To Come To New Orleans, Do Something With All These Eyeless Shrimp

This wonksplainer by DDM was brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spill Blogging. Let’s travel back in time to April, 2010. After years of stroking and massaging from federal and state tax cuts, BP blows a huge oily load into New Orleans’ backyard. BP looks around, says, “Sorry about the mess.  Here’s a few million for your inconvenience.” Ahhh, memories. Hey, whatever happened to that money? We trust you to put that money to good use! What’s that?  You have a mad crush on Padma Lakshmi and that bald guy from celebratainment tee-vee program Top Chef? Are you thinking what I am thinking? Eyeless shrimp challenge! Read more on BP Pays Top Chef To Come To New Orleans, Do Something With All These Eyeless Shrimp…
  jail is for poors

Poor BP Whining About Excessive Fines

So eleven people are dead. And also more than 8,000 birds, sea turtles, and marine mammals were found injured or dead. And there are over 200 miles of coastland that are still saturated with oil. AND NEVAR FORGET THE EYELESS SHRIMP! Big deal, who cares, let’s not cry over spilled milk, and let’s CERTAINLY not blame BP or ask them to pay for the damage they’ve caused. That would be silly, you guys. Don’t be silly. And hundreds of miles of damaged coastline, thousands of dead animals, tens of thousands of lost jobs, and millions of dollars in damaged property and lost revenue–well, that’s maybe worth a billion dollars? OK, a couple billion dollars if BP is feeling really generous. But it’s certainly not worth $21 billion dollars, that is excessive, says BP! Read more on Poor BP Whining About Excessive Fines…
  just lose your eyes and think of england

Gulf Of Mexico Seafood Much Cuter Now Without All Those Eyes

Remember when hero Congressman Joe Barton apologized to British Petroleum for all the bother the US government was causing it, by forcing it to maybe mitigate some of the hellfire it had sort of rained down upon the Gulf? Those were good times, like when the old man apologized to Dick Cheney, for having been in the way of his gun! Well, now Joe Barton is going to have to apologize to BP AGAIN, because the Gulf of Mexico is all full of shrimp with no eyes now, and somebody (al Jazeera) is going to be mean to them about it! Why won’t Barack NoObAma apologize for al Jazeera’s mean reporting about BP on his American Apologies tour??? Read more on Gulf Of Mexico Seafood Much Cuter Now Without All Those Eyes…
  snowbilly divorce ethics

Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce

Way back in 2007, when Wonkette was literally the only national media actually covering Sarah Palin and her ridiculous role as John McCain’s vice-presidential candidate was still just a stain in Bill Kristol’s underroos, the Wasilla grifter was already planning her divorce from amiable extremist dolt Todd Palin. Emails finally released on Thursday show Sarah was scheming even then, and wondering if her divorce from Todd — a laborer on the North Slope oil fields — would somehow lead to charges of conflict of interest because of Governor Sarah’s “drill baby drill” policies. None of this makes any sense, because Sarah Palin is a lifelong idiot. But she is consistently phony and amoral, when it comes to “family values,” at least! Read more on Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce…
  end of days

‘New’ Oil Spill In Gulf of Mexico Is From BP Deepwater Horizon Well, Of Course

So, about that plugged oil well at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico that was the Disaster of the Summer last year? It is leaking again, a lot, and despite days/weeks of the usual lies from BP and the BP enabling agents of the federal and state governments, the Mobile Press Register‘s independent scientific review of the “new” oil spill samples proves that the stuff is gushing out of last year’s glory hole again. Read more on ‘New’ Oil Spill In Gulf of Mexico Is From BP Deepwater Horizon Well, Of Course…
  farmville for dummies

Any Random Sarah Palin Email Is Scandalous, As We Prove Here

The Guardian, America’s greatest paper that is actually a socialist paper from somewhere in England, has this fun gimmick where you can see an unseen Sarah Palin Secret Email just by clicking a button. It is like Farmville, but actually dumber than that. The very first random unseen email we saw was a blank page that said “State of Alaska” at the top. Somehow not scandalous! But the very next one has a scandal involving BP and a brother-in-law and the usual paranoid Palin bullshit. So, we figure exactly half of these emails — roughly 12,000 — are proof of Palin’s criminal snowbilly behavior. Put her in Gitmo before she emails again! Read more on Any Random Sarah Palin Email Is Scandalous, As We Prove Here…
  it's morning in america

Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department

Old-timey Clinton hack and current CIA Top Spy Leon Panetta is slated to take over the War Department! Do we mean, “The Department of Defense, Heil Hitler?” Nope! The War Department. Because when’s the last time the United States was invaded and had to defend itself? The War of 1812? Maybe that time we tried to stop The Beatles from singing songs? (This is why we need those new stealth fingerbanger bombers — what if The Beatles try to visit America again?) Panetta is “politically savvy,” apparently, and that is why he will make the perfect War Secretary. (Obama doesn’t need another jerk-wad secretary tellin’ him that robot-bombing Libya is a dumb idea.) Oh, also: Famous war monger Dave Petraeus will be the new Central Intelligence chief. Congratulations to all the people who are about to get robot-bombed/assassinated by Jason Bourne. [The Hill] Read more on Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department… Read more on Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department…
  it's morning in america

Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!

Good morning, dead baby dolphins! It’s hard to believe that today marks the first anniversary of the Gulf of Mexico being poisoned forever. Does anyone even remember what the Gulf was like before murdered sea creatures started washing up on the beaches? Or what little children used to play with and get cancer from before there were “tar balls”? (Find out the answers to these important questions on the next episode of “Modern Marvels: The Tar Ball”!) One thing that hasn’t changed at all since last year is that our country’s awful politicians are still spewing the same, tired bullshit — DRILL, DEAD BABY DOLPHIN, DRILL — even though the price of oil has absolutely nothing to do with (alleged) production shortages. MoJo has an excellent piece on why you should still be angry (“join Facebook groups”) about Tony Hayward getting his life back. Now go forth and smoke your marijuana cigarettes, etc. [No link in honor of Hitler’s birthday] Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!… Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!…
  it's morning in america

BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’

Let’s begin with the “funny” news: Transocean awarded its top executives with six figure bonuses, because under their shining leadership the company experienced its “best year in safety performance.” Yes, “safety bonuses” for the executives in charge of the oil rig that exploded and then spilled 200 million gallons of oil into the ocean, killing eleven people, all the baby dolphins and everything else that lives in/near the Gulf. Ha-ha, it’s good to be an executive, and receive bonus-bribes and hookers so that you will never be tempted to cooperate with the authorities — which is very unlikely to begin with, since you have no soul. Anyway! BP has tentative plans to resume drilling in the Gulf, the end. [MSNBC] Read more on BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’… Read more on BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’…
  it's morning in america

The Gulf Coast: Come For the Dead Baby Dolphins, Stay and Get Sick

Almost a year after the worst oil spill in Recorded History, the picturesque Gulf Coast is once again teeming with life: From Mexico to Florida, small children are building sand condos, birds are squawking “thanks for cleaning all that oil off me, you guys rule,” and delicious popcorn shrimps are jumping out of the clean blue water, in hopes that someone will eat them. Ha-ha, actually: All the foolish children who like playing on the beach have been poisoned by toxic BP dispersants, all the birds are dead (probably), and DON’T EAT THAT POPCORN SHRIMP! Scientific data suggests that the Gulf Coast is being molested by downpours of toxic rain — and did we mention all the dead baby dolphins, and how there is a gag order preventing scientists from discussing why all these baby dolphins are washing up on the shores, dead as can be? (Uh, BP just announced that it will not compensate a whole bunch of poisoned, oil-ravaged communities. Instead, BP’s claims processing CEO will raise money for Bobby Jindal.) [WHNT/HuffPo/Al Jazeera] Read more on The Gulf Coast: Come For the Dead Baby Dolphins, Stay and Get Sick… Read more on The Gulf Coast: Come For the Dead Baby Dolphins, Stay and Get Sick…
  it's morning in america

Egyptian Workers Takin’ It To the Streets

The Egyptian People are still very angry at their trillionaire dictator, even though Dick Cheney has said repeatedly that Mubarak is “a good man” and “an extraordinary [rendition] friend.” And now labor strikes have erupted all over Egypt, including a sit-in by “about 6,000 workers at five service companies owned by the Suez Canal Authority,” and walk-outs at the Health Ministry. Meanwhile, Mubarak has created a committee of judges and legal scholars to propose friendly solutions to all this civil unrest. Apparently this committee is full of Mubarak sympathizers, so they will probably suggest “calling in the scabs.” [NYT] Read more on Egyptian Workers Takin’ It To the Streets… Read more on Egyptian Workers Takin’ It To the Streets…
  it's morning in america

Presidential Commission Exonerates BP, Tony Hayward’s Yacht

The National Commission on the BP Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill and Offshore Drilling — better known as the NCBDHOSOD? — has published a very official report which proves BP never made a “conscious decision to favor dollars over safety.” We already knew this, though, because BP thoroughly investigated itself and came to the same exact conclusion! But if you don’t believe the NCBDHOSOD or BP, just look at these third-quarter profits: a measly $1.79 billion. That’s British oil baron pocket change! Seriously, does $1.79 billion really say to stockholders “we favor dollars over safety”? No, it does not. It says “we favor dollars over safety, and next quarter we’ll make $5 billion.” But also it says “Tony Hayward wants his life back.” Read more on Presidential Commission Exonerates BP, Tony Hayward’s Yacht… Read more on Presidential Commission Exonerates BP, Tony Hayward’s Yacht…
  it's morning in america

Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!

Happy “Whoops, We Invaded Afghanistan” Day! (Of course, back then it was called “Operation Enduring Hooray We ‘Liberated’ Afghanistan from the Towelheads.”) Nine years ago today, America sat on its XXL fundillo and “channel surfed” for cool night-vision footage of Kabul exploding and CNN cellphone camera videos of Army Rangers killing (“liberating”) things. Everyone loved this “good war” so much, because Afghanistan was harboring a terrorist and what’s up with that. What are you supposed to get America for its almost-tenth wedding anniversary? Tin? So you should probably FedEx Karzai a tinfoil hat, so he’ll have something nice to wear/deflect alien death rays with when he surrenders to the Taliban, tomorrow. [Truthout] Read more on Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!… Read more on Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!…
  thanks for the memories

BP Oil Well Declared ‘Dead’, World Mourns

Today’s must-read obituary: After a weekend of pouring cement into the base of the ruptured well in the Gulf of Mexico, pressure tests conducted early Sunday confirmed the seal was holding, former Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen said announced. The Interior Department agency that regulates offshore drilling pronounced the well dead at 5:54 a.m. (6:54 a.m. ET), Allen said in a written statement. Read more on BP Oil Well Declared ‘Dead’, World Mourns…
  it's morning in america

BP Blameless, According To BP Internal Investigation

An internal investigation conducted by BP has concluded that it can start drilling again immediately, hooray! Oh and also “Team BP” did nothing wrong, at all, and so if you Americans still need someone or something to pay for the stuff in the ocean, sue the oil rig owner Transocean or the chavs at Halliburton, because you can always blame Halliburton. But yes, this investigation exonerates BP, which did nothing wrong and was probably just enjoying a nice cup of tea while Transocean and Halliburton took turns throwing depth charges down Deepwater Horizon’s oil well to “see what would happen.” Whatever. At least Tony Hayward has his life back, sitting on his yacht in Siberia. [CNN] Read more on BP Blameless, According To BP Internal Investigation… Read more on BP Blameless, According To BP Internal Investigation…
  it's morning in america

They’re the Original Odd Couple!

Why does Barack Obama refuse to cultivate a warm, tender relationship with George W. Bush? Is it because Bush is the jackass who is largely responsible for all the problems that are making Obama’s life so miserable? Or is it because Obama is a mean old sourpuss, and racist against Texans as well? The second one, probably. Did you notice that Barack Obama didn’t even bother to thank Bush for starting the Iraq War the other day, when Obama went on TV to announce that we’d won it? That’s not gratitude. Read more on They’re the Original Odd Couple!… Read more on They’re the Original Odd Couple!…