Tag Archives: boston

  You have a constitutional right to be A Idiot

Freedom-Hating Boston Mayor Asks People Not To Dive Off Buildings, Please

Not that we need any more evidence that the nanny state is totally out of control, but this week, Boston Mayor Martin Walsh proved it yet again, with his freedom-killing press conference. Apparently, what with the HUGE blizzard covering the entire city of Boston in snow — which proves global warming is a dumb liberal hoax — some patriots have decided it would be wicked fun to jump out of buildings and into all that snow, because what could possibly go wrong? But oh no, the mayor, who obviously hates fun and freedom, has asked people not to do that, what a jerk: Read more on Freedom-Hating Boston Mayor Asks People Not To Dive Off Buildings, Please…
  Meet The Neighbors

Boston Cop Calls Guy ‘N-Word,’ Beats Uber Driver, Steals His Car. Because ‘Boston’

Image via WBZ-TV video Early Sunday morning, a Boston police officer used an everyday occurrence, an Uber ride home in the wee hours, to help his department advance its community relations with a groundbreaking new strategy: meet with members of racial minorities, then insult and beat them. Read more on Boston Cop Calls Guy ‘N-Word,’ Beats Uber Driver, Steals His Car. Because ‘Boston’…
  out of the closets and into the streets

Sam Adams Beer Says ‘No Homo, No Promo’ To Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade

Ready for some afternoon nice time, starring some homosexxicans and beer? Of course you are, because you probably started drinking circa 11 a.m. today anyway because you are a goddamn hero. So, you’ll recall that as the venerable vomit-fest that is the South Boston Saint Patrick’s Day Parade approacheth, there remains a wee bit of controversy over the fact that while teh gheys can march, they cannot in any way identify their gayness, because of the tender eyes of the Irish, we think. Now, before you go all blah blah First Amendment why can’t teh gheys bedazzle themselves in gay glitter and march, let’s get that out of the way. The gays can’t march because the parade is run by a private entity that does not like the gays. It is not run by the gubmint. Therefore, parade can do what it wants. Unjust, but legal. Where were we? Oh, yeah, Boston. Skies have been darkening for a while over this parade because Boston’s mayor, Martin Walsh, has refused to march, a group of gay vets won’t march because they can’t display any homosexual propoganda, and now, in the cruelest blow of all, Sam Adams is pulling out of the parade. Once you’ve lost Sam Adams, you’ve lost America. Read more on Sam Adams Beer Says ‘No Homo, No Promo’ To Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade…
  dial m for mayor

Old Handsome Joe Biden Calls Every Martin Walsh In Book, Gets New Boston Mayor Eventually

Old Handsome Joe Biden accidentally called the wrong Martin Walsh Tuesday night to congratulate him on being elected Mayor of Boston. Instead of reaching the new mayor, OHJB called a former Ted Kennedy staffer with the same name, starting the conversation with a friendly “You son of a gun, Marty! You did it!” After Walsh cleared up the mistake, the two chatted a bit, and Biden then called the right Martin Walsh and left a congratulatory voicemail. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Calls Every Martin Walsh In Book, Gets New Boston Mayor Eventually…
  don't look back

Liveblogging Our DVR Recording Of Bamz’s Affordable Care Act Speech In Boston

Oh, Barry, that’s a hell of a nice way to handle hecklers: “You’re at the wrong rally! The climate change rally was back in June!” And hey, hecklers, good chanting! We kind of understood you, which is a step up for presidential speech-hecklers, so that’s kind of a win, too. Everybody’s a winner! That was easily the most interesting moment in the speech, which was a refreshing counterpoint to the death march of terrible Wizard of Oz jokes at this morning’s grilling of HHS Secretary Cruella DeVille Kathleen Sebelius. So with the magic of our tax-deductible DVR, a bit of post-liveblooging! Read more on Liveblogging Our DVR Recording Of Bamz’s Affordable Care Act Speech In Boston…
  they dont want to go on the cart

Global Nice Time: Fewer Kids Dying Of Horrible Diseases, Hooray!

With Congress back and threatening to ruin any chance of sound and effective government, is there anywhere in the world to look for good news? Have no fear, Glorious Readers, for we scour the globe, and when the globe isn’t filing restraining orders against us, we find good stuff for you. Like this, per ABC News: Childhood death rates around the world have halved since 1990 Hooray! That sure sounds nice. Less kids around the world are dying. We bet it’s because private enterprise, unconstrained by burdensome government regulation, has been seeking to steadily reduce the number of children under the age of 5 who die from things like malaria, pneumonia and diarrhea, right?  Read more on Global Nice Time: Fewer Kids Dying Of Horrible Diseases, Hooray!…
  hot pix

Here Are Your Happy Nice Time Launch Party Pictures Of Spilled Beer And Vomit

So here we have this party we had Saturday night. On the left, that is Nadia Naffe, who is the girl who was suing James O’Keefe for ALLEGEDLY trying to rape her in his Rape Barn, and who was stone cold randomly walking past the bar when our buddy Chris Faraone who is the guy we ate acid with in Charlotte and who also claims he killed Breitbart, goes, “Nadia Naffe just stone cold randomly walked past the bar,” and we said GO FUCKING GET HER NOW, IDIOT. Read more on Here Are Your Happy Nice Time Launch Party Pictures Of Spilled Beer And Vomit…
  but what does david lynch think about heineken?

It’s A Happy Nice Time Party Who Could Ask For More?

Hi there. Hiiiiiii. Do you like our new website? One commenter has already sussed out that it is like Buzzfeed but with looser editorial standards and a unicorn-vomit color scheme, which sounds just about exactly right, and pretty much what we were going for, so SUCCESS! Speaking of vomit, the only reason we launched this fershluggineh thing (read, made Lisa launch this thing, and probably also made her cry) was so we could come to Boston and throw a party, which is exactly what we are doing. Say, tomorrow (Saturday) at sixish? READ MORE Read more on It’s A Happy Nice Time Party Who Could Ask For More?…
  we need your love

Strap It On, It Is T-Minus-Four Days To Launch Of Wonket’s Holy Media Empire

Hey now, we are just going to remind you that this coming Friday, Sept. 13, will see the launch of our GLORIOUS EMPIRE as we set happynicetimepeople.com free into the Internet wilds. YOU WILL READ IT. YOU WILL SHARE IT. YOU WILL MAKE SWEET LOVE TO IT, IN YOUR FILTHY MIND. Also a le reminder that we will be having our launch party in Boston this Saturday. Joining me, your Editrix, will be Snipy (who will be our managing editor at HNTP), Doktor Zoom, and Fakakta South, who was all like “I WANNA WEAR A CRAZY DRESS FUCK YEAH I WILL FLY MYSELF TO BOSTON.” And dudes, she is a knockout, so be ready to be an idiot. The party, hosted by us, DigBoston, and Heineken, will be at 6 p.m. at The Tap. We have been promised fights and vomit. Read more on Strap It On, It Is T-Minus-Four Days To Launch Of Wonket’s Holy Media Empire…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Weekend Roundup Of Dumbth

Welcome to another edition of our Derp Roundup, that collection of virtual floor sweepings that are too stoopid to completely ignore but not worth a full-length post. To start with, let’s give an Excellence In Trolling medal to the sometimes-funny Andy Borowitz, whose New Yorker piece this week was characteristically meh, but managed to fool a few people, including Stupidest Guest Blogger On the Internet Mara Zebest, over at Gateway Pundit, whose impassioned overreaction — “Obama is a thin-skinned man-child and the laughing stock of the world” — doesn’t really depend on the veracity of the source material anyway. After commenters pointed out that Borowitz is satire — and a commenter whined about Obama being elected by “low information voters who get their info from Hollywood and comedians” — Zebest pulled the article, but it’s preserved by the magic of Google cache. Thanks, internet! Wonkette wishes a speedy recovery to Jim Hoft, and is exploring the possibility of asking Andy Borowitz to run a story about the $3150 that Gateway Pundit owes us. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Weekend Roundup Of Dumbth…
  things that make you go boom

Boston Mayor Will Show Detroit How Much He Loves It By Blowing It Sky High

Oh, Boston. Why don’t you do right like those other cities do? We gave you some tongue-kissing-level love yesterday when we found out you’d feed the poors. We scheduled a visit to your fair town that will be economy-stimulating because we drink a lot. (A LOT.) How do you repay our affections? YOU DO NOT. You spurn our love by your mayor Thomas Menino saying that he would like to visit Detroit so he could blow it up. Wait, what?? Read more on Boston Mayor Will Show Detroit How Much He Loves It By Blowing It Sky High…
  there is such a thing as a free lunch

More Nice Time! Socialist Boston Schools To Give Free Lunches To Every Kid Including The Poors

Yr Wonkette has made kind of a cottage industry about how terrible school districts and states and lunch ladies and errrebody can be about giving poor kids food because socialism or laziness or awfulness or all of them, Katie. But then Boston stepped up, prolly because we have scheduled an awesome party there, to just say “Fuck it. Let’s give all the kids free lunch all the time, because we are liebruls.” Read more on More Nice Time! Socialist Boston Schools To Give Free Lunches To Every Kid Including The Poors…
  more than a feeling

Important Updates Regarding Where Your Wonket Empire Launch Party Will Be, And What Kind Of Beer Will Be Free

Hola dudes! The other day we told you we are launching a new website so we can finally have an Empire all of our own, and it is called HappyNiceTimePeople.com and also fuck you! “We will have a party, in Boston,” we said (paraphrase, it’s hot in here, too lazy to look it up), “and we will have it somewhere!” Well now we actually know where it is! And also, too, who is buying our beer! Read more on Important Updates Regarding Where Your Wonket Empire Launch Party Will Be, And What Kind Of Beer Will Be Free…
  help us wonkeratti you're our only hope

The Wonkette Empire Strikes Back

About a year and a half ago, we bought this here #WARBLOG that is currently getting pixels all over your hands, and changed it into a mommyblog and recipe hub. It’s how we do! THERE WILL BE NICE TIME, MOTHERFUCKERS. But then, we read a bunch of dumb articles about how Buzzfeed got like a thousand trillion dollars in VC funds, and also we went to the Vice offices for a meeting once and they had 600 employees — and that was before Rupert Murdoch bought a fat stake in it and we all discovered that Vice is now valued at $1.4 billion, or five and a half Washington Posts. And we started to wonder, where is our empire? Why have we not yet annexed the Sudetenland? So we asked you slobs for money, and you sent us a bunch, and we bought Doktor Zoom, but there was still more money and we felt guilty about getting rich off you dumb losers, so we went and bought Snipy too. (Even though it turned out that you then mostly stopped sending us money. Hahaha, joke is on us.) Well, Snipy starts Monday. And just as Dok is our “managing editor” here at your Wonket (in charge of pony pictures and coming in on the weekend), Snipy will be the managing editor at our new shebang, happynicetimepeople.com, which is NOT a stupid URL, fuck you. And we are coming to Boston to launch this sucker, oh, right about September 14. Read more on The Wonkette Empire Strikes Back…
  when you see it you'll shit BRICs

Boston Police Anti-Terror Unit Too Busy Investigating Peaceniks To Notice Tsarnaev Kids

So there’s all sorts of weird stuff turning up about the background of Boston bomber guy Tamerlan Tsarnaev, like how Florida cops shot and killed a boxing friend of his the other day … after the friend implicated himself and Tsarnaev in a 2011 triple homicide and then pulled a knife on the cops. Oh, and that triple killing occurred on the tenth anniversary of 9/11, and at least two of the victims were Jewish, so it was muslimterrorjihad and not “killing pot dealers”? Frankly, we will not have any idea what to think about all that until Amanda Palmer writes a shitty poem about it. But it does at least seem clear that, as a DigBoston article suggests, the Boston Police Department’s anti-terrorism unit focused its attention on a whole bunch of things that had pretty much fuck-all to do with terrorism. And god knows, no one has ever suspected the BPD of being a hotbed of competence — this is the city that declared war on cartoon aliens in 2007, after all. On the other hand, if you’re an anti-terrorism squad, you probably should be investigating people who like bombs-n-stuff, rather than, say, “Veterans For Peace” or even Code Pink, no matter how loud and interrupty they might be. Read more on Boston Police Anti-Terror Unit Too Busy Investigating Peaceniks To Notice Tsarnaev Kids…
  And is Eric Holder a Space Alien? We are only asking!

Louie Gohmert: Boston Bombings Happened Because Eric Holder Gay-Married To Islam

Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-Lookatmee), clearly worried that he was no longer on the leading edge of crazed paranoia, suggested today that Attorney General Eric Holder allowed Boston bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev to be read his Miranda rights not because Tsarnaev is a U.S. Citizen entitled to certain rights under the Constitution, but because Holder has a big throbbing stiffy for radical Islam. Holder also let the bombing happen because, in his extreme commitment to political correctness, he personally forbade the FBI from even asking Tamerlan Tsarnaev just how thoroughly Muslimy he was. Cool story, bro! Read more on Louie Gohmert: Boston Bombings Happened Because Eric Holder Gay-Married To Islam…
  keep runnin' yer pissflaps

‘Irate Boston Man’ Unloads Epic Rant At Alex Jones Acolyte, Earning Love & Gratitude Of Millions

Here for your enjoyment are four minutes and ten seconds of America’s Newest Hero, the as-yet unidentified man heard here calling InfoWars “reporter” Dan Bidondi — and his boss infamous turd nugget Alex Jones — the most delightful variety of swears captured on video since whenever Susie Essman was last on Curb Your Enthusiasm. (Kid Zoom’s reaction: “What a jackass! I love him!”) Read more on ‘Irate Boston Man’ Unloads Epic Rant At Alex Jones Acolyte, Earning Love & Gratitude Of Millions…
  E Plebnista

Patriotic WND Columnist Doesn’t See Why Bombing Suspects Get All These ‘Constitutional Rights’

WorldNetDaily columnist Ben Kinchlow would like someone to explain to him just what the hell is the logic of having a government based on the most brilliant freedom-protecting document in the history of the world, the U.S. Constitution, if that document’s protections are going to be extended to people who we all know are guilty of doing terrible things. How the hell is that even fair? Read more on Patriotic WND Columnist Doesn’t See Why Bombing Suspects Get All These ‘Constitutional Rights’…
  My Little Phony: Facts Are Tragic

Marsha Blackburn Wants To Know If Boston Bombers Had Obamaphones, Because That’s An Awesome Question

As part of the Tea Party’s relentless campaign to make us all dumber, the new right-wing meme is that, hey, since the Tsarnaev family was on welfare at a couple of points, maybe they also had Obamaphones! Ghost Breitbart (no link, ever) jumped in with a piece pointing out that the FCC “refused to answer” whether the Tsarnaevs had ever gotten a subsidized phone, which totally means they did and Obama is covering it up. Minimal credit where due: residual Breitbart stain Wynton Hall mostly uses the program’s actual name, the “Lifeline” program, while noting that it’s “referred to as the ‘Obama phone’ program by its critics,” because it’s just a name, no big whoop, we could call ‘em Reaganphones but we just decided to call ‘em Obamaphones. Now Tennesee Rep. Marsha Blackburn wants some answers, goddamn it, because she received a letter from a constituent who is Very Concerned: Read more on Marsha Blackburn Wants To Know If Boston Bombers Had Obamaphones, Because That’s An Awesome Question…
  old handsome joe

Joe Biden Yells At Terrorists (Video)

So let us guess: people are mad at Joe Biden for yelling at terrorists, right? DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! Of course they are. People are mad because he said “knock-off jihadis” instead of “Islamic jihadists.” Read more on Joe Biden Yells At Terrorists (Video)…