Ha ha ha, Graydon Carter’s defunct satirical monthly The New Republic has produced a comical slide show titled “Celebrities With Thoughts.” Apropos of Bono’s most recent instant-classic New York Times editorial — a poetic intellectual exercise, the thrilling denouement of which is: “Could it be that all Americans are, in that sense, African-Americans?” — TNR has aggregated some quasi-contextualized gems from the nation’s op-ed pages. Each and every one is absolutely required summer beach reading. [TNR's The Plank]

Back when newspapers still mattered, and our finest journalists wrote important articles regarding crucial current events and our national conversation in the nation’s better daily periodicals, America knew where to turn for the best columnist covering the subjects all citizens cared about most: Larry King and his USA Today column! But then, inexplicably, about 10 years ago, USA Today killed the finest punditry in U.S. History. The newspaper business has been in free fall ever since. MORE »

“Hey, art department! What’s his name, famous guy, the black one, he won the president award! Vanity Fair is going to do this up right! Figure out where he’s from, or where his dad was from, just make that really big. And then get another famous black guy, from the same place, or Kentucky, doesn’t matter. Don’t forget to put Bono’s name somewhere, also really big. We need this in five minutes, ‘kay?” UPDATE: Wait, this is a cover from years ago? Why is it being emailed by VF flacks today, to illustrate a, uh, Dee Dee Myers’ article about Obama being famous? WTF. [Vanity Fair]

• BONO’S SOLILOQUY: Bono’s first NYT column. First. Kill the limeys. Now we’re in my house, Dublin. MURDER. Miles Davis. I knew Frank Sinatra, modernista, Palm Spring. Painting colors Vinegar. The year changes another year — calendars. If. Also. Also. Shhh. I knew Frank Sinatra and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. (9/11 reagan beer cunt.) [NYT]

New York Times opinion editor Andrew Rosenthal lost all professional credibility when he hired “lightning rod conservative” Bill Kristol late last year and then — and then! — called Liberals “intolerant” for not accepting this “serious, respected conservative intellectual” as a particularly edifying addition. Well, Kristol’s one-year contract is almost up, and we’re amazed that Andrew Rosenthal still has a job. Any job. So what’s the fixin’ plan for 2009, Rosenthal? His answer: hire, uh, rock stars such as that U2 guy who cares about AIDS, The Bono. MORE »

* Reliable Source: U.S. Trade Representative Susan Schwab is bringing back Flat Stanley. [WP]
* Shenanigans: The thin line between honorable and presidential. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: The Leahy-Ledger connection… Rep. James Clyburn just wants everyone to “chill a little.” [WP]
* Page Six: Huge Chavez enjoys his coca in the morning. [NYP]
* Rush & Molloy: Al Gore makes Bono feels guilty. [NYDN]

At Friday night’s YouthAIDS benefit in Virginia, Bono gushed over onetime MILF Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Reports DC Examiner: After telling the crowd about a particular Pelosi motto that resonated with him — “Inside maneuvering with outside mobilization” — Bono said that he has considered getting the phrase tattooed on his derrierr (which would clearly give new meaning to the phrase ‘bumper sticker politics’).” MORE »

* It’s not the Scientology that Mitt Romney loves, it’s the Travolta. [The Caucus]
* Hillary’s bad taste also in question: Does she only listen to the noise from Bono’s charity, or the shit his band puts out too? [Political Radar]
* Former Abramoff crony turned U.S. Attorney refused to prosecute himself. [Wampum]
* RIP Tom DeLay’s PAC. [Capitol Briefing]
* Joe Lieberman is still as crazy as when you voted for him. [Horse's Mouth]
* Brooklyn congressman knows what he’s gonna do when the bad boys come for him. [HuffPo]
* Gingrich and Hegel hang out with the unions, nonchalantly inquire about members willing to work for 10 cents an hour and no bathroom breaks. [Political Insider]

As Bono taught us, wrongly, Martin Luther King was assassinated in the “early morning, April 4″ of 1968 — 39 years ago today. (It was actually 6:01 p.m. There was no Wikipedia back then, so at least he got the date right.) Today is the real Martin Luther King Day. MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: JOHN KYL DOESN’T HAVE A BLACKBERRY! … Louie Gohmert zinged Steny Hoyer something fierce with a Murtha crack… Buncha Republicans planning on having fundraisers at The Who’s March 8 concert. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Madame Tussauds to open DC wax museum, still trying to find Al Gore’s head. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: College Republicans at CPAC fairly well behaved, did sneak a little alcohol in… CPAC DJ reveals pres candidates music choices… Mitt Romney dolphin dude was treated real nice by Romney staffers… Rudy was allowed to talk as long as he wanted, unlike everyone else at CPAC. [Examiner]
* Washington Whispers: Bob Gates held his first Defense Sec press conference around a big table… Howard Dean and Mel Martinez to meet to make sure New Hampshire primaries are first… Bob Mueller starting an FBI book club. [USN&WR]
* Page Six: Ron Burkle, Bono, Jay-Z, and Bill Clinton had the weirdest dinner ever at the Spotted Pig. [NYP]

* Rudy G. thinks strong early poll numbers mean he gets to play Ronald Reagan. [Captain's Quarters]
* Walnuts McCain deletes his MySpace page, wants to focus on meeting friends IRL. [techPresident]
* Carl “the contrarian” Levin just wants to invade Syria cause everyone else wants Iran. [QandO]
* Bono likes Obama — surprise fucking surprise. [Shenanigans]
* Turning an MS Office document into a .pdf can turn you from a broke cube-jockey to a baller. [Swampland]
* Do explosions in the night make Dick Cheney wet himself, or just wet? [Rude Pundit]
* Lieberman gets lucky, Politico gets sloppy. [Horse's Mouth]
* Drop fifty-grand on a cause as worthy as smearing John Kerry and all you get is a lousy ambassadorship to Belgium. [HuffPo]