Poor-people-helping organization ACORN is the single most corrupt group in America, we know this. The Senate and House know this too. Why can’t they just be like a good organization, such as any bank or corporate law firm in the country, which are very respectable employers? ACORN, you may know, is headquartered in New Orleans, where there are many poor people, especially with the spikes in seasonal weather. And yesterday Governor Bobby Jindal made sure that they will have NO CONTRACTS with the state government, which they do not currently, but still, because of their corruption in humoring childish fake pimps in Baltimore. MORE »

Mexican-ish Lousiana Governor Bobby Jindal loves old Jesus so much. We know this. One time, in college, he more or less raped “saved” a lady from the terrible devil-goblins inhabiting her body, with Jesus’ Magic! Anyway, he’s been doing some other weird thing recently: “In May, June and July, there was rarely a Sunday when the governor didn’t board a taxpayer-funded helicopter to attend church services in far-flung parts of the state. He traveled by helicopter to churches less frequently in March and April.” He’s not just going to these places to steal from the collection plates, either: he’s… preaching? About Paris Hilton? According to an Internet video? Come again? Let’s just let a blockquote do the work here… MORE »

• Bobby Jindal bought himself a $1 scratch ticket for his birthday — Barack Loot — and look, he won! Even Indian people in Louisiana can live the American Dream. [Think Progress]
• Joe Biden loves the ladies. The Ukrainian Ladies. [HuffPost]
• REDSTATE SIREN! Call your senator and demand that John Thune’s “Protect Yourself From Homos” amendment is added to the hate crimes bill, which will probably be voted on tomorrow. [RedState]
• David Vitter might lose his seat in 2010 for not having enough hooker sex. [TPM]
• Andrew Sullivan’s substitute write-in zombie performs a voluntary Rickroll. [Andrew Sullivan]

Anybody who says the Associated Press is not the most important wire service with “AP” as its initials just plain hates good journalism. Following up on yesterday’s scorcher about how there were five (5) other governors who did something vaguely weird once, over the course of American state history, today AP headquarters in New York offers up what just might be the most cogent yet blistering assessment of the Mark Sanford “Argentine Firecracker” scandal thus far: Sanford is a Republican governor doing lame, creepy things … just like all those other Republican governors trying to make a name for themselves in the GOP’s final days. MORE »

Bobby Jindal was supposed to be elected President in 2012 after America realized what a goofball Barack Obama was, spending money on volcano research and other pointless endeavors while a budget hawk like Jindal waited in the wings ready to swoop in with hot money-saving tips. But now Jindal’s, and indeed America’s, dreams may be put on hold while Jindal runs for Senate instead. MORE »

• In a statement that’s positive never to come back and haunt him, child ironist Bobby Jindal said he doesn’t think the government should be spending so much money monitoring possible natural disasters. [Top of the Ticket]
• Virginia Democrats will win the governorship by choosing to run against Sarah Palin. [CNN Political Ticker]
• This endless Minnesota to-do with Norm Macdonald and Lorne Michaels is disheartening to the local young lizard people, who are now doubting their own place within democracy. Sad times! [The Caucus]
• The Red Cross’ report on all of America’s famous recent torture has leaked. [Daily Dish]
• Throwy Journalist, he who tossed of loaferfull of misguided vigilantism at Bush, will be released from jail in just one year now, instead of three. [Gawker]

WOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW: OOH LOOKY HERE, the deadline for governors to accept stimulus funds is today, and the last three holdouts in the country — Bobby Jindal, Sarah Palin and even Mark “Queen Welfare Queen” Sanford — have decided to accept allllllllllll of their allotted portions, after ranting for months and months about how accepting that money would destroy their state economies and add trillions in new terrible debt and force them raise taxes to 14,000% within a week just to pay a SINGLE TEACHER. Mark Sanford, of course, accepted this toxic money while still calling Obama a moron for allowing him to do so, because now he’s just going to launder it. [McClatchy]

Just last month, the governor of Louisiana went on television and was all, “Now this $140 million ‘volcano monitoring’ deal is such a dumb liberal plot by ACORN, amiright?” And now Alaska’s Mount Redoubt has erupted, out of spite. Why does God/Vulcan/Sarah Palin want Bobby Jindal to look like such an asshole? [BBC News]

• BUT… BUT SOMEONE IS BEING WRONG ON THE INTERNET! Look, OK, we’re trying to find the hot sexy stories here, but the Internet is only serving up annoyance, so our only option is to link you to this annoyance and hopefully ruin your weekend. Alas: long blog posts with multiple “clarifying” updates about ambiguous word choices in speech anecdotes from several days ago? These posts are intrinsically terrifying. Hurricane Katrina was a crisis for a long time, and Bobby Jindal talks funny. NEXT. [Ben Smith, TPM]

Poor Michael Steele! The media jackals are now well aware of Steele’s tendency to say hilarious things when prodded, and now they’re just using this POOR MAN who is trying to save the Republican party for our children. Such was the case last night when an ABC radio host made some terrible connection between Bobby Jindal and the film Slumdog Millionaire and asked Steele what he thought about that connection. (YOU KNOW, LIKE INDIA.) MORE »

Chris Matthews is such a patriot for making America laugh last night before the speech from Bobby Jindal, his Enemy. After ranting about how much he hates Jindal earlier in the night, he “whispered” a comically audible “oh god” as Jindal was walking towards his podium. Chris Matthews is famous for coming from working-class Pennsylvania, so the best rationale for his hatred is probably nativism, especially towards Indians, who sneak into the country to steal medical doctor jobs from the poorest Americans. Nevertheless, Matthews plans to address the “slip” on Hardball tonight (or is it already on? We don’t watch cable news), and an NBC spokesman has offered a quick preview. His explanation centers on some stupid, nonsensical slavery jokes we made last night while mindlessly liveblogging — but he is serious! MORE »