Journalist/capricious motherfucker Bob Woodward needs an assistant. He’s posted the longest want ad we’ve ever seen over at Journalism Jobs, which is kind of quaint. You will be Bob’s right-hand man (or “woman”)! You are there! It’s all in the second-person, kind of like a Choose Your Own Adventure Book. Candidates need: MORE »

Friday

• Be Bar Anniversary 2 month party with open bar. [Be Bar]

• Jay Farrar (Son Volt) and Anders Parker (Varnaline) perform as Gob Iron at the Black Cat. $15 at 9PM, stay for 80s dancing. [Black Cat]

Saturday

• J.D. McClatchy introduces poet Morri Creech as part of the DC International Poetry Festival at Chapters. 5PM. The festival goes on all weekend with panels, readings, etc. [Chapters]

• Bourbon Dynasty CD Release Party with Rose and Kid Goat at The Red & The Black. $8 at 9:30PM. [The Red & The Black]

Sunday

• Thrill Jockey’s beautiful Califone has roots in Red Red Meat. With Brent Green at Iota. $10 at 8:30PM. [Iota]

• Free Simulcast of Madame Butterfly on the Mall. At 2PM. 15,000 are expected so beware. [Washington National Opera]
• American University Journalism Professor Alicia Shepard talks about her book Woodward and Bernstein, about, you guessed it, “the intersection of journalism, politics, and celebrity that occurred in Woodstein’s Watergate reporting.” She also discusses how they parted ways afterwards. Politics & Prose. Free at 5PM.
• China’s The World, is “set in World Park, an actual attraction full of scaled-down versions of the world’s wonders.” Directed by Jia Zhangke. The Freer. Free, but you need a ticket. Tickets are handed out at 1PM, film at 2PM. [Freer]

How could the nerd concept of “fantasy baseball” be improved? Maybe you could have games without scores, or without innings! Maybe most of the team could be put in prison forever, or get caught fucking little boys. Meanwhile, you could have the “coach” blowing up 650,000 Arabs and randomly torturing people who came to watch the ball game. MORE »

Earlier this week we asked you to do something constructive with your time at the office — namely, submitting a lot of semi-crazy questions to the Washington Post for its online chat with staff writer Bob Woodward. MORE »

• Reliable Source: You all laughed, but Jenna Bush’s “internship” with “UNICEF” sent her to Paraguay, and we all know what that means. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Pat Robertson has a coloring book. [Examiner]
• Rush and Molloy: Woodward and Bernstein tell-all shit-talk extravaganza: Their old editor hates them, Bob thinks Carl’s lazy, etc. No mention of Woodward being a CIA plant. [NYDN]

We don’t know how they pulled off this celebrity coup, but the Washington Post somehow got Bob Woodward to do one of those online Q&A deals. MORE »

• Heard on the Hill: HoH finds three monkeys Indian people who support George Allen… A stunt plane flown by Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) “spun out of control” last week… Denny Hastert gave out the wrong number for his live nude Page abuse-reporting hotline. [Roll Call]
• Reliable Source: Last Saturday: two big gay parties. No one wanted to talk about Mark Foley for some reason… Lloyd Grove’s next job will be “something media-ish.” [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Nathan’s owner Carol Joynt gets Michael Isikoff and David Corn drunk, goads them into talking trash about Bob Woodward. [Examiner]

We know George W. likes to give out nicknames and they’re usually infantile and/or vulgar — just like ours! — but this new Woodward book we’re never going to read apparently reveals the worst nickname of all:

George W. pulled Bandar aside.

“Bandar, I guess you’re the best asshole who knows about the world. Explain to me one thing.”

“Governor, what is it?”

“Why should I care about North Korea?”

Oh, and it looks like the Saudis played Bush for a fool on the whole North Korea thing, telling him to forget about Lil’ Kim — easy enough! — and just focus on the Middle East. MORE »

Iraq is making so much progress that the “C-17A cargo plane equipped with antimissile technology” carrying Condi Rice had to circle for 40 minutes, because the Baghdad airport was being bombed again.

Once on the tarmac, she was put in body armor and surrounded by a gang of heavily armed anti-assassins from some special ops group or another, and then quickly shuffled from the C-17 to an Army chopper for a quick and dangerous flight to the walled, fortified Green Zone in the middle of Battlefield Baghdad. No way was Condi Rice going to risk the deadly airport highway. More hot insurgent action, after the jump.

MORE »

We’ve had a full week of PageFuckerGate Fever, and it’s been so much fun that we totally forgot about Woodward’s hit job on the Bush Administration … wait a minute! Was that the whole idea? MORE »

Finally realizing the true horror of his crime — another shitty Nicholas Cage movie — director Oliver Stone is trying to get back on liberals’ good side by denouncing Bush and the Iraq War. MORE »