• The National Zoo is getting an exciting aerial tram, for sky views of Tian Tian and Mei Xiang and maybe Knut, way in the distance. [DCist]
• Here’s a list of all the fancy D.C. schools Sasha and Malia might attend, which features Insider Knowledge like mission statements copied and pasted from the schools’ websites and Google Earth fotos. [HuffPost]
• The Metro, which was comically and incidentally swindled by AIG, is now looking for a $400 million bailout. John McCain will suspend replaying the past year in his head, over and over again, to assist in the crisis. [WTOP]
• Why all your desperate emails for Barry’s 1st Inauguration tickets remain unanswered. [Washington Post]
• Writers can now compete for the Bob Novak Collegiate Journalism Award, which will be awarded to the young journalist who can kill the most hobos with his/her sports car without drinking. [Fishbowl DC]

• BOB NOVAK RETIRES: Because of the cancer. He’s been writing his column since 1963, the year Lyndon Johnson became president. [Chicago Sun-Times]

Bridget: big $ale on truck nutz. [Rocky Mountain News]

Yesterday, conservative columnist Bob Novak ran over a pedestrian who flew on top of his windshield. Then Novak sped away and, when captured, pretended that he had no idea. The police gave him a $50 ticket. Maybe in this economy that’s a lot, hmm? Anyway, the victim was originally reported as a 66-year-old pedestrian, but according to new information, he is actually an 86-year-old homeless guy who remains in the hospital. The Main Stream Media continues to conceal the truth, which is that the victim is a 72-year-old homeless doctor martyr named Ron Paul. [Washington Post]

• LOOK, HE’S STILL ALIVE OK?: From the intrepid local news team at ABC 7 News: “The pedestrian who was struck by prominent Washington columnist and commentator Robert Novak is in worse shape than first thought, a hospital source tells ABC 7 News. The victim, a 66-year-old man, appeared somewhat incoherent, said the source who had seen the victim. The man appeared to have casts on his neck and back. The victim was X-rayed and a surgical team plans to evaluate him, the source said.” The police should take note of the severity here and strike Novak with a harsher penalty. They gave him a $50 ticket earlier? Make it $65. NO — GIVE HIM A $90 TICKET. [WJLA]

Here is 800-year-old columnist Bob Novak, the Last Scion of Bilbo Baggins, talking to the local teevee news after hitting some guy with his car and then speeding away, only to be captured. Isn’t it HMM COINCIDENTAL that a Politico reporter happened to be walking by the incident? Here’s the “new truth:” Politico and Bob Novak thought that this was Ron Paul, this pedestrian, and they were trying to kill him for the second day in a row. HE DOES NOT HAVE MUCH LONGER. DR PAUL ES MARTYR. [YouTube via Think Progress]

Already known as the worst, meanest driver in Washington, this morning Robert Novak was caught by witnesses driving into a pedestrian and speeding away from the crime scene. Novak was racing down 18th Street through the K St. NW intersection when he hit a much younger man, a 66 year old who was using the crosswalk and had a green walk signal. MORE »

There has been some speculation and anti-speculation that John McCain will pick his vice president this week, and that it will be Mitt Romney because why not. The timing of McCain’s announcement is particularly important, because it will be the only chance he has of getting decent press coverage ever. What if he announces it on the same day Obama breaks a fingernail or goes to the gym SEVEN times! The McCain campaign dreads something of this nature. Anyway, Mittens has sent out a fundraising plea to the 4-5 people remaining on his e-mail list on behalf of John McCain, so perhaps this means something! About the future! MORE »

Sen. Hillary Clinton’s pipe dream to fund a Woodstock museum in Bethel, New York wasn’t her pipe dream after all–it was Sen. Chuck Schumer’s! And now Chuck’s fucking pissed! According to Bob Novak, the idea to fund the project was mostly Schumer’s. Novak reported that Schumer was “seething” over being rejected by the Senate, and at Sen. Clinton for the lack of support and failing to show up on the Senate floor to defend the bill. Schumer denied there was any hard feelings. However, this could open us up to a strange new side of the man. Imagine, Sen. Chuck Schumer: Acid Head! MORE »

Here’s a not-exactly-shocking revelation that’s still funny to hear, from Evil Bob Novak himself: The Senate GOP leadership has always known that Larry Craig’s a closet case. Specifically, they knew he wasn’t just a secret gay, but one of those bathroom creeps always chasing cock in public. And this raises an interesting question in this Year Of Our Endless Cummer: How many times has Larry Craig been nabbed by the cops before what made Minneapolis famous made a wreck out of him? How did he cover it up? Bribes? Threats? Murder?

Novak: Senate R’s Knew Craig “Had This Problem” [New West]

Hey everybody, have you heard of the hot new gadget called the “fax machine”? Apparently you can somehow send pieces of paper through the telephone wires, but you’ve got to really roll the paper up tight so it can fit! That’s what Jonah Goldberg thinks, anyway. MORE »