Wonkette

Bob Ney, America’s Greatest Tragic Hero, is off to the Federal Pen today. Yesterday, presumably over a half-empty Jim Beam decanter, he poured his heart out into one last, teary MySpace bulletin to those who’ve stood behind him in this trying times. MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: Power went out at Ritz-Carlton apartments, leaving Frank Lautenberg panicking in the darkness until he managed to stumble to a hotel. Harry Reid was fine, as he was aided in the darkness by mystical Mormon superpowers… Guilty-pleading former Ney aide Neil Volz was partying with journos earlier this month. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: ANGELINA JOLIE IS GOING TO JOIN THE COUNCIL ON FOREIGN RELATIONS WTF. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: The TSA made Riane Rehm spray perfume onto her contacts. Hospitalization ensued… Shaq, Pat Riley both loooove Bush. [Examiner]
* The Sleuth: John Kerry apparently sonned a Swift Boat donor during a Foreign Relations Committee hearing [WP]
* Shenanigans: Ted Stevens swings into action, unloads baggage from the carousel at the airport. [Politico]

* Heard on the Hill: There are racy pictures of that American Idol contestant from DC on the internets. She’s “cavorting” in the WWII Memorial fountain, for some reason… Scooter Libby partied with two young women at Poste Brasserie last Saturday. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Ted Kennedy apparently got a black Aston Martin for his birthday, but now his wife says it was a rental… Patrick Fitzgerald drove down to DC from Chicago just to prosecute Scooter Libby. How sweet of him! … Mark Foley finally sold his DC house. Made out pretty good, too. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: California Governor Ranier Wolfcastle suggests that a “smoking tent” in the Capitol would solve all sorts of partisan woes… Most congressional websites suck… Humorous typo on the White House dinner menu! [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Googling Giuliani for president” brings up a McCain ad… Obama’s children desperate to know why the hell they have to be in Iowa… Richard Lewis donated money to Joe Biden. Nothing makes sense anymore. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Rudy’s interviewing tailors… McCain snubs CPAC… Al Gore: still puffy! [Politico]
* Inside the Beltway: GEORGE W. BUSH: DOUBLE-DIPPER. [WT]
* The Sleuth: Bob Ney’s chief of staff pleaded guilty, turns out Ney kept his dirty money in a safe in a his House office. [WP]

Now’s your chance to own a piece of Washington history: the second-most corrupt refrigerator in DC can be yours for free on Craigslist! MORE »

* Admiral Fallon is in the same secret society of dick-tongued orators as Bush, Chertoff. [1115]
* South Carolina makes Mitt Romney prove his Christyness. [Election Central]
* Bill O’Reilly graciously limits himself to two Sean Penn slanders per night. [Media Matters]
* Barack Obama proves his wonk chops, likes his salmon steaks. [Newsweek]
* And hates Fox news. [The Sleuth]
* Disgraced former congressman you’ve already forgotten about, Bob Ney, pays $2K a month for sex, from his wife. [TPM Muckraker]
* From the pursed lips of Steve Forbes comes a bribe-based solution to violence in Iraq. [Buzzmachine]

* Heard on the Hill: Ranking Republican on the House Transportation Committee throws a tantrum over not getting a good seat at a meeting, makes all the Republicans leave… Rep. Adam Putnam, who is 12 years old, is serving reporters lots of orange juice… House Dems decide to stop calling first-termers “freshmen.” [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: White House Social Secretary Lea Berman is stepping down… What was the deal with the Baby Einstein lady at the SOTU? … Clinton BFF Stephen Spielberg is hosting a fundraiser for Barack Obama. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: No one mentioned that poor Michael J. Fox attended the SOTU… Susan Sarandon in being a big hippie shocker… Jack Abramoff’s restaurant Signatures reopened as D’Acqua on Tuesday. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Don’t ride an elevator with Rep. Joseph Crowley unless you want him to start singing at you. It happened to Jane Harman, it can happen to you too… Lincoln Chaffee found a job! [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Bob Ney’s caricature is still on the wall at The Palm. [Politico]

Bob Ney was the Congressman from Ohio known as “Congressman A” in Jack Abramoff’s playfully Washingtonienne-esque plea agreement. Ney took a bunch of favors from Jack in exchange for supporting Jack’s clients, a process known as “democracy.” When he was ratted on, Ney blamed the whole thing on booze. Once, when we called him out on drunkenly texting journalists, his office insisted to us that Ney had merely been angry and is a bad speller. That was a lie, he was totally wasted in the middle of the day. MORE »

* You do know what happens if you just assume everyone hates Cheney more than Bush, don’t you? [Election Central]
* O’Reilly checks the mirror at 8 and 11:30 EST. [Just a Bump in the Beltway]
* Nothing gets Orrin Hatch harder than watching Alberto Gonzalez busting pornographers on the internets. [Unclaimed Territory]
* Chinese “satellite killer” missiles target only military assets — iPod and Xbox ordering infrastructure remains unscathed. [Defense Tech]
* Straight from the home office in Phoenix, Arizona: tonight’s top 15 things John McCain is doing to turn himself into a pandering cartoon. [The Carpetbagger Report]
* Al Franken appeals to “Minnesota Nice” voters by actually running as Stuart Smalley. [Wizbang Politics]
* Bob Ney would start cracking beers in the morning even before the glue on his head was dry. [TPM Muckraker]

* Nancy Pelosi’s womb is advancing the gay agenda, one disco-ball fetus at a time. [Shakespeare's Sister]
* Best laid espionage plans are always stolen from movies — Iran got invaded last night while Bush droned. [Intoxination]
* Attendance at DC peace march planned for later this month will benefit from increased anger with war, suffer from lack of Thievery Corporation. [Blondesense]
* Bob Ney blames corruption on that damn Wild Turkey; she’s a lover you can’t tame. [TPM Muckraker]
* Rush Limbaugh loves paying for pussy. [The Political Pit Bull]
* Bob Barr can’t get enough of the fromundah cheese. [Hit & Run]
* Everyone hates Jimmy Carter. [Little Green Footballs]

* Heard on the Hill: William Jefferson already violating House ethics rules, uses official letterhead, House internal mail service to hit up other members for donations… Rep. Stephanie Herseth (D-S.D.) to marry some dude on March 31… TV journos upset that Nancy Pelosi won’t let them broadcast from Statuary Hall today. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Pelosi’s “Celebration Concert” tonight at the National Building is off-limits to the press. Attending: Tony Bennett, Carole King, Wyclef Jean, Bruce Hornsby, three former Grateful Dead members, Richard Gere and Amy Brenneman… Fed Chair Ben Bernanke spotted buying funnyman Dave Barry’s Money Secrets. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Busty blondes love horses: Barbi Twins join Bo Derek in lobbying against horse slaughter. ‘It’s like eating the flag,” says Sia. Quote of the year… Freshman Rep. Zack Space, who replaced Bob Ney, almost hired a cabbie named Ney… Despite being done in Congress forever, Rep. Shelley DraculaCunt Gibbs represented Texas’ 22nd at Ford’s Lying in State party… Nancy Pelosi held a tea party yesterday, Wonder Woman was there for some reason. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Robert Byrd is addicted to Red Bull. Vodka too, we assume… “Sen. Gordon Smith (R-Ore.) is the proud possessor of an original copy of Ford’s pardon of outgoing President Richard Nixon.” [Hill News]
* Rush & Molloy: Former DNC head Terry McAuliffe had great luck raising money from godless Hollywood types, Mike Bloomberg. [NYDN]

• Conservative British economists endorse Pelosi, enjoy her adherence to “pinkies out” style of tea drinking. [Democracy in America] MORE »

Here’s your Friday News Dump: Convicted Abramoff bribe-taker, problem gambler and hopeless alcoholic Ohio Rep. Bob Ney has finally resigned from the House.

Congressional Quarterly is breaking this, right here. Our CQ spy says, “Rather hilariously, we can’t find anyone in the House Clerk’s office to confirm receipt of his resignation letter.” Ah, the endless charms of the Friday Night News Dump. Dirty details after the jump.

MORE »

Bad news for Crazy Curt Weldon: The National Republican Congressional Committee is cutting spending on his doomed Pennsylvania race and shuffling that money to help out some other GOP guys who have a better chance. Oh well. He’s going to jail fairly soon, so losing his House seat is the least of his problems. MORE »

• Congressional approval reaches 16%, lowest in history of WSJ polls. [WSJ]

• What’s the matter with Kansas now? Nine candidates have switched from Republican to Democrat in the last year, many of them leading. [WP]
• Democrats use failures in Iraq to strong effect against Republicans. [NYT]
• New ad targeting black voters and saying Martin Luther King was a Republican has infuriated civil rights leaders. [WP]
• Bob Ney will make it to jail when he gets around to it, for now he’ll collect his $3,176 a week and enjoy the lovely fall weather. [NYT]
• In a speech yesterday at Georgetown, Bill Clinton described differences in the parties, decried the partisan bitterness, and called for a return to olde timey Aristotelian style political debates. [WP, NYT]
• Today, Virginia: Bush/Allen, Clinton/Webb. [WP]