Tag Archives: bob allen

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‘Twenty Dollar’ Bob Allen’s Latest Pathetic Appeal Fails

Why is it that Republican men who conduct their gay sex antics in public bathrooms cannot resist loudly and repeatedly proclaiming their innocence and heterosexuality in an escalating series of legal forums, all of which end up with judges and such saying “Nah dude, still gay”? It is one of life’s great mysteries, along with the human spleen and the “dewclaw.” Read more on ‘Twenty Dollar’ Bob Allen’s Latest Pathetic Appeal Fails…
 

Bob Allen’s Wife Takes Over Allen Political Dynasty

Beth Allen, the wife of homosexual former Florida state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen, will not be deterred from Achieving! She is running for Brevard County Elections Supervisor, because someone’s gotta make a damn living in that household. Surely that county will have voting problems in the upcoming presidential election, and it will be gay Bob Allen’s family that has to decide the president. Barack can’t lose! [Orlando Sentinel] Read more on Bob Allen’s Wife Takes Over Allen Political Dynasty…
 

What Funny Thing Is Obama Saying To This Dude?

Secret Wonkette Operative “M” sent us this photograph, which he actually took somewhere in the Eastern Time Zone, of Barack Obama saying something menacing to this poor reporter, who was probably only doing a good journalism thing like asking Obama to prove he was American! (Or maybe it was about economics, who knows.) In other words, let’s have a Caption Contest! UPDATE: We have a wiener! Read more on What Funny Thing Is Obama Saying To This Dude?…
 

Liberal Elitist Democrat Wins ‘Twenty Dollar’ Bob Allen’s Florida Seat

Democrat Tony Sasso (Sasso, Sasso, has a nice ring to it) has defeated some guy by 400 votes to win the special election for Florida House District 32. It’s an important election on all levels, but coincidentally, this is the seat from which ex-Republican state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen resigned last year, after he was found guilty of offering blowjobs to everyone in the bathroom. Congratulations, SASSO! We half-wish the Republican challenger had won, however, since he would have been hilariously gay as well. [Orlando Sentinel] Read more on Liberal Elitist Democrat Wins ‘Twenty Dollar’ Bob Allen’s Florida Seat…
 

Vote For Wonkette’s Person and Vice Person of the Year!

It becomes 2008 soon, so we have to do some sort of year-end awards. We wanted to just play it simple with a Person of the Year, but realized that two options — Larry Craig and The Paultard — would trounce the competition with their auras of massive homosexuality and abject failure. So we’re going to keep that heavyweight matchup for Person of the Year, and we’ll also have a Vice Person of the Year for other notables. Voting ends on… lemme pick an arbitrary time here… 11 am on Monday, December 31. The winner will be announced very shortly thereafter, because we have a half day and will want to leave. Vote for your ticket after the jump! Read more on Vote For Wonkette’s Person and Vice Person of the Year!…
 

‘Twenty Dollar’ Bob Resurfaces in Rolling Stone

Former Florida state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen, the homosexual Republican who was tried and convicted for trying to blow this dude in a Florida potty, is back on our gaydar after landing in Rolling Stone’s “Yearbook 2007″ issue. No, no, it’s not for the “Top 5 Florida Legislators of the Year” list, but for the one chronicling 2007’s best GOP sex scandals. Holler to Rolling Stone: We don’t really read you, but we respect you. -ish. [WESH] Read more on ‘Twenty Dollar’ Bob Resurfaces in Rolling Stone…
 

Ultimate Price of Bob Allen’s Sucky Fun: $400K

Remember how we said the “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen saga was kaput? Well, it still is — unless you live in Florida. If you follow the logical thread that bathroom blowjob = gay embarrassment = weeklong misdemeanor trial = conviction = resignation, the laugh cycle has reached its limit for most Americans. But for Floridians it continues, because resignation = special election = MONEY$. And as the Orlando Sentinel reported today, a special election could cost the state $400,000. The state could either tap into its tax revenue or allow Bob Allen to buy 20,000 blowjobs from government employees. Filling Rep. Bob Allen’s seat could cost Orange, Brevard $200,000 each [Orlando Sentinel] Read more on Ultimate Price of Bob Allen’s Sucky Fun: $400K…
 

Bob Allen Sentenced, Resigns :(

Wonkette readers, we must be the bearer of bad news. The saga of Florida’s now ex-state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen has finally come to a satisfying, but bittersweet, close. Yesterday afternoon, Allen was sentenced on a misdemeanor count of solicitation for prostitution (in lay terms: they done punished him for trying to blow that guy in the potty room). Today, Allen resigned from the Florida House of Representatives — effective Feb. 15, 2008, for some reason. A sad day for America, sure, but “Twenty Dollar” Bob leaves us with one final goldmine of makefunnery: the terms of his sentencing. Read more on Bob Allen Sentenced, Resigns :(…
 

From Florida Today: “5:42 p.m…. A jury found state Rep. Bob Allen guilty of sex solicitation in his trial in Viera.” So sad. Not the verdict, just that the trial is over. Can we have another? [Florida Today] Read more on …
 

“Twenty Dollar” Bob Jury: The Stall Is Big Like Whoa

Yesterday afternoon, the jury and defense team in the Florida trial of ex-state Rep. Bob Allen boarded a retard bus for a field trip, no permissions slips required. They “milled around Space View Park … and took turns peering into the men’s restroom where state Rep. Bob Allen encountered the undercover Titusville police officer” (the one he wanted to play Special Happy Friends with). And although the defense is claiming that the visit helped their case, it, um, kinda didn’t? Read more on “Twenty Dollar” Bob Jury: The Stall Is Big Like Whoa…
 

Bob Allen Jury To Visit Infamous Potty

Florida Today‘s brilliant liveblogging of the Bob Allen penis trial continues with day three of hilarious “he said/he said” (h/t Larry Craig) misunderstandings. The trial is expected to go all aftern– Oh wait! The trial won’t resume until tomorrow morning, because they’re taking a field trip to the hot dog factory itself. Read more on Bob Allen Jury To Visit Infamous Potty…
 

“Twenty Dollar” Bob Trial Being Liveblogged!

“Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen‘s trial for cocksmoking is now in its third day, and the toothpaste is alllllll coming out. Again. More of it. Unfortunately we can’t spend the whole day following the disgraced Florida state representative’s trial, as we’d like to, but the divine newspaper Florida Today is liveblogging it (or at least making semi-regular updates to the same story). Read more on “Twenty Dollar” Bob Trial Being Liveblogged!…
 

Twenty-Dollar Bob Allen Will Soon Be Tried For Sex Crimes

Republican state legislator Bob Allen will finally (maybe) be tried in a Florida court for bravely offering twenty bucks to suck off a “stocky black guy” in a park restroom in order to avoid becoming “a statistic.” Allen was a John McCain campaign co-chief in Florida — all the spots on Rudy’s campaign were taken — before his arrest by that same burly black guy. Ever since, he’s been following the GOP Playbook by refusing to resign, refusing to admit he’s a bathroom queen, and generally dragging down his party in a state where there are actually still some popular Republicans, such as Florida’s proudly single “first black governor” Charlie Crist. Read more on Twenty-Dollar Bob Allen Will Soon Be Tried For Sex Crimes…
 

Please Wash

This week, Barney Frank, Bob Allen, Ken Mehlman, Ben Stein, Maria Bartiromo and Robert Novak were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump. Read more on Please Wash…
 

LIONEL HUTZ: “As a heads up to everyone: The next time you are attacked by an enraged black bear, drop to your knees and offer it $20 to suck its cock. This will keep you from becoming a statistic.” [Wonkette Comments] Read more on …
 

When Bob Allen agreed to suck that cop’s dick (and pay the cop $20 for the opportunity), it was just because he was scared of black dudes, and also scared of being struck by lightning, so he wanted to drive the cop to Kennedy Space Center, miles away, for safety. [Florida Today] Read more on …
 

Bob Allen Swears He’s Not Racist, Not Queer, Just Likes Park Bathrooms

Florida state Representative Bob Allen had a bright future as one of President Jeb Bush’s many homosexual cabinet members, but he ruined it all for the chance of another blowjob in the park restroom. Sticking to the David Vitter “just keep denying everything no matter how absurd it sounds” script, Allen continues to deny he offered to pay 20 bucks to suck off an undercover cop and also denies that his original excuse — Yikes, scary black guys! — does not mean he’s racist or anything. Also, Bob Allen now claims he was skulking around the park bathroom because he was “planning an event.” Yeah, we kind of got that. Attorney: Allen won’t resign in sex case [Orlando Sentinel] Read more on Bob Allen Swears He’s Not Racist, Not Queer, Just Likes Park Bathrooms…
 

Ohhhh, You Didn’t Mention He Was a Big Scary Black Guy Who Scared You

New details have emerged in the generally scuzzy case of Florida legislator Bob Allen (R-McCain Campaign Co-Chairman) who was arrested after allegedly offering to both suck off some guy in a park bathroom and give the guy twenty bucks. Wonkette readers who are experts in such matters have argued that the whole thing sounds like entrapment, but today’s Orlando Sentinel offers a new excuse from Allen himself: He was just scared of a scary black guy, like anybody would be! Read more on Ohhhh, You Didn’t Mention He Was a Big Scary Black Guy Who Scared You…
 

Bob Allen Would Probably Enjoy Prison, At Least

Don’t forget about our other Southern Republican Lawmaker caught engaging in some sort of unpleasant prostitution activity! Florida Rep. Bob Allen will have his day in court on August 23, which we beg CNN to broadcast live. Read more on Bob Allen Would Probably Enjoy Prison, At Least…
 

Hey Guess Who Took This Picture of Florida Rep. Bob Allen

Wait, what? This is from the official Florida House of Representatives website, and it’s apparently a “technology hearing,” and our now-shamed haunter of men’s public restrooms is holding, we believe, a tiny breathalyzer device. So he’ll obviously be checking into rehab shortly. And the guy who took the picture should have some recommendations, as far as that goes. Florida House of Representatives Read more on Hey Guess Who Took This Picture of Florida Rep. Bob Allen…