Tag Archives: boats

  Bumblin' Stumblin' Fumblin'

New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation

Thank god somebody has some fresh thinking!
Back in November, Idea Men John Boehner and Mitch McConnell conserva-splained at America how they would fix Congress now that they’d won the midterms. These Bold, Robust Ideas were intended to unite the party and carry forward the Will of the People, who had Spoken in November. Read more on New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation…
  I'm On A Vote Mothafukka

Watch Jon Stewart’s Favorite Midterms Batsh*t Moments (Video)

nautical times
Jon Stewart brings us more yummy electoral goodness, starting with a brief montage of precious election moments: Mitch McConnell’s bizarre b-roll ad and subsequent #McConnelling, Charlie Crist’s fan, Joni Ernst cutting nutz, and New York Republican Michael Grimm and his beautiful fraud indictments — not to mention his offer to break a reporter in half “like a boy” for asking a question about it (somehow, Stewart really doesn’t mention it). Read more on Watch Jon Stewart’s Favorite Midterms Batsh*t Moments (Video)…
  woodward + bernstein + dildos

James O’Keefe Tries To Get CNN Reporter Onto His Dildo Lube Boat

CNN is doing a documentary on the three or four people who are young American conservative activists, so they decided they would follow around that criminal James O’Keefe, the guy who made those ACORN videos and tried to rape Mary Landrieu’s phones. But you know the one thing they weren’t expecting? They weren’t expecting James O’Keefe to try to lure CNN reporter Abbie Boudreau alone onto a boat filled with dildos and lube and a “condom jar” and “fuzzy handcuffs” and “an obvious sex tape machine,” so this is precisely what he did. Presumably it was to record himself raping her, of course, but O’Keefe says it was just a goof. Huh? Read more on James O’Keefe Tries To Get CNN Reporter Onto His Dildo Lube Boat…
  but where is the metaphorical jet ski?

Vermont Senate Candidate Approves of Drowning Children, To Make a Point

Len Britton is a Republican from Vermont running for U.S. Senate this election season — and if there’s one thing he loves, it’s sitting idly by on picnic tables while a random adult male throws diseased salmonella pork water on children who then drown in a lake. Britton approves of this evil stunt in the name of “advertising,” he says at the end of the ad. Except this metaphor makes no sense, as the kids are wearing life jackets. So, the people of the United States will be just fine, no matter how much deficit spending their failing government accumulates? Read more on Vermont Senate Candidate Approves of Drowning Children, To Make a Point…
  it's too hot out for outrage

Oil May Stop Spewing Into Gulf By End Of Month, But Yeah, Probably Not

Remember that oil spill that was big news a few weeks back? No, probably not. But that is a thing that is still happening. Anyway, BP could have the Gulf oil well all fixed up by July 27, according to the Wall Street Journal! This current plan is called “Bottom Kill” and attempts to shoot a bunch of mud or something in there. There are also backup plans, the article notes, though hasn’t everything been a backup plan since the thing exploded? Meanwhile, Tony Hayward is flying around on his air yacht looking for investors, as BP has no money left for all of this. Read more on Oil May Stop Spewing Into Gulf By End Of Month, But Yeah, Probably Not…
  more stupid developments on a never-ending issue

San Francisco Bay Palestinetards Block Ship From Unloading Goods, Destroying State of Israel

Hundreds of protesters waved signs and flags and stuff at the Port of Oakland on Sunday because an Israeli cargo ship was coming in and this was the most important way they could protest Israel for some reason. Longshoremen refused to cross the “picket line” of weirdos because apparently it had some union backing. In San Francisco, remember, “union members” are not your usual blue-collar folks, they’re hippie-plumbers and hippie-electrical-workers and hippie-Teamsters. Read more on San Francisco Bay Palestinetards Block Ship From Unloading Goods, Destroying State of Israel…
  war

WONKETTE, AMERICA’S MOST TRUSTED MARITIME NEWSWIRE, CONFIRMS REUTERS’ STORY ABOUT THIS MORNING’S POTOMAC BOAT WAR. The details: two boats, one belonging to the Coast Guard, were involved in a terrible sea battle in which the Coast Guard boat fired a shot at Other Boat (the underdog!!) as Other Boat started doing something weird over by the Pentagon during this morning’s 9/11-themed activities. [Reuters] Read more on …
  elephant butt

Bill Richardson & Pals Smash Into Docked Boat, Flee

More wacky late-summer tales, just for you! This one involves New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, the one with the resume, and the corruption. His life has very little purpose right now. That’s a good thing! The man deserves a break from his prison of Ambition, a passion that has kept him busy in hundreds of semi-important government jobs over the years. Now he has time to dance! He also has time to flee boat crashes — you know, like when the boat he’s on demolishes another boat, and destroys a marina in general, and then he and his buddies just pop off and never tell anyone. This is something Bill Richardson has time to do now! Read more on Bill Richardson & Pals Smash Into Docked Boat, Flee…
  let's get scandal-y

Roughly Cylandrical Object Located Near Rehberg Boat Crash

While Rep. Denny Rehberg’s life, which is in stable condition, will be first on the docket during tonight’s Wonkette Prayer Hour, we must wonder — given his history of getting trashed in Kazakhstan and falling off horses — exactly how wasted he and his buddies may or may not have been when they crashed their boat into very huge rocks late last night. And lo, “Twitter person Bob B.” has sent us this photo of the wreckage, in which he thinks he has spotted the smoking gun: a keg of beer. It looks a little too skinny to be considered such in our estimation. Probably just a trash can. (They were throwing away the tree.) (While drunk?) [Twitter] Read more on Roughly Cylandrical Object Located Near Rehberg Boat Crash…
  what did you do during august recess?

Montana Congressman & Bros Crash Boat Into Massive Rocks (‘The Shore’)

There were injuries in this accident so we should not make jokes, but meh, they’re in stable condition now: Rep. Denny Rehberg of Montana and his fun-lovin’ buddies were cruisin’ on their 22-foot motorboat last night and either crashed or intentionally parked said boat on this sack o’boulders. Alcohol? Drugs? We’ll see. In any event: maybe it’s time to head back to Congress! [Daily Inter Lake] Read more on Montana Congressman & Bros Crash Boat Into Massive Rocks (‘The Shore’)…
 

Dick Cheney’s Persian Gulf ‘Fishing Trip’ Will Launch Iran War

While some people “stuck in the past” are protesting the Iraq War’s Fifth Birthday today, Dick Cheney is always thinking about the future — specifically, he’s thinking about how he can personally start a war with Iran. And he’s not just sitting in his Naval Observatory lair dreaming up horrible schemes. Dick Cheney is actually in the Persian Gulf right now, on some Sultan’s super-luxury yacht. You know, for a “fishing trip.” Read more on Dick Cheney’s Persian Gulf ‘Fishing Trip’ Will Launch Iran War…
 

‘Filipino Monkey’ Nearly Tricks America Into World War III

It was so scary when little Iranian motorboats did loops around American warships in the Persian Gulf last week. The U.S. ships were apparently seconds away from blasting the tiny speedboats, all because of a threatening radio message assumed to be from the scary Iranians. Now the Navy says the scary transmission could have come from a well-known “radio prankster” called the Filipino Monkey. Read more on ‘Filipino Monkey’ Nearly Tricks America Into World War III…
 

Rudy Falls Victim to Boat Curse

Politicians: they have bad luck on boats! Last Friday, Rudy Giuliani was happily riding a ferry of some kind in Michigan when he was set upon and attacked by a horde of vicious Ron Paul supporters demanding to know what he did with all the gold from the World Trade Centers and asking why he let Cheney do 9/11. According to a local GOP activist, the Paultards threatened to throw Rudy overboard. He eventually “took shelter in the ferry’s pilothouse for the 15-minute journey,” according to the Detroit Free Press. “It was awful,” says the activist, who has no sense of humor. But like we said a minute ago, boats are just bad news for politicians, as the New Yorker reveals in their October 1 issue. Examples include: Read more on Rudy Falls Victim to Boat Curse…
 

Hillary Clinton To Star In Lesbian TeeVee Show

Popular lesbian Ellen DeGeneres will visit New York City to make a teevee show starring Senator Hillary Clinton, who has also visited New York. That’s the exciting news from the New York Daily News, which also reports that Ellen DeGeneres will make the teevee show in a room that used to be the “home for jazz” or something. Read more on Hillary Clinton To Star In Lesbian TeeVee Show…
 

All Aboard the USS Dingbat!

Did you miss the vacation experience of a lifetime? You know, the National Review luxury cruise featuring leading neoconservative opinion writers who know the real story about why your daughter will be speaking Spanish while having her abortions under that burqa? Worry not, because UK journalist Johann Hari took the terrible trip and documented it for the New Republic. Read more on All Aboard the USS Dingbat!…
 

Ha Ha, Stupid Firemen …

Here’s some fun news from our neighbors in Virginia: A brand-new firefighting boat sank last night for no reason at all, tied up at the dock and never used once. We are pretty sure there is a bigger symbolic meaning to this stupid story. Read more on Ha Ha, Stupid Firemen ……