WONKETTE, AMERICA’S MOST TRUSTED MARITIME NEWSWIRE, CONFIRMS REUTERS’ STORY ABOUT THIS MORNING’S POTOMAC BOAT WAR. The details: two boats, one belonging to the Coast Guard, were involved in a terrible sea battle in which the Coast Guard boat fired a shot at Other Boat (the underdog!!) as Other Boat started doing something weird over by the Pentagon during this morning’s 9/11-themed activities. [Reuters]

More wacky late-summer tales, just for you! This one involves New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, the one with the resume, and the corruption. His life has very little purpose right now. That’s a good thing! The man deserves a break from his prison of Ambition, a passion that has kept him busy in hundreds of semi-important government jobs over the years. Now he has time to dance! He also has time to flee boat crashes — you know, like when the boat he’s on demolishes another boat, and destroys a marina in general, and then he and his buddies just pop off and never tell anyone. This is something Bill Richardson has time to do now! MORE »

While Rep. Denny Rehberg’s life, which is in stable condition, will be first on the docket during tonight’s Wonkette Prayer Hour, we must wonder — given his history of getting trashed in Kazakhstan and falling off horses — exactly how wasted he and his buddies may or may not have been when they crashed their boat into very huge rocks late last night. And lo, “Twitter person Bob B.” has sent us this photo of the wreckage, in which he thinks he has spotted the smoking gun: a keg of beer. It looks a little too skinny to be considered such in our estimation. Probably just a trash can. (They were throwing away the tree.) (While drunk?) [Twitter]

There were injuries in this accident so we should not make jokes, but meh, they’re in stable condition now: Rep. Denny Rehberg of Montana and his fun-lovin’ buddies were cruisin’ on their 22-foot motorboat last night and either crashed or intentionally parked said boat on this sack o’boulders. Alcohol? Drugs? We’ll see. In any event: maybe it’s time to head back to Congress! [Daily Inter Lake]

While some people “stuck in the past” are protesting the Iraq War’s Fifth Birthday today, Dick Cheney is always thinking about the future — specifically, he’s thinking about how he can personally start a war with Iran. And he’s not just sitting in his Naval Observatory lair dreaming up horrible schemes. Dick Cheney is actually in the Persian Gulf right now, on some Sultan’s super-luxury yacht. You know, for a “fishing trip.” MORE »

It was so scary when little Iranian motorboats did loops around American warships in the Persian Gulf last week. The U.S. ships were apparently seconds away from blasting the tiny speedboats, all because of a threatening radio message assumed to be from the scary Iranians. Now the Navy says the scary transmission could have come from a well-known “radio prankster” called the Filipino Monkey. MORE »

Politicians: they have bad luck on boats! Last Friday, Rudy Giuliani was happily riding a ferry of some kind in Michigan when he was set upon and attacked by a horde of vicious Ron Paul supporters demanding to know what he did with all the gold from the World Trade Centers and asking why he let Cheney do 9/11. According to a local GOP activist, the Paultards threatened to throw Rudy overboard. He eventually “took shelter in the ferry’s pilothouse for the 15-minute journey,” according to the Detroit Free Press. “It was awful,” says the activist, who has no sense of humor. But like we said a minute ago, boats are just bad news for politicians, as the New Yorker reveals in their October 1 issue. Examples include: MORE »

Popular lesbian Ellen DeGeneres will visit New York City to make a teevee show starring Senator Hillary Clinton, who has also visited New York. That’s the exciting news from the New York Daily News, which also reports that Ellen DeGeneres will make the teevee show in a room that used to be the “home for jazz” or something. MORE »

Did you miss the vacation experience of a lifetime? You know, the National Review luxury cruise featuring leading neoconservative opinion writers who know the real story about why your daughter will be speaking Spanish while having her abortions under that burqa? Worry not, because UK journalist Johann Hari took the terrible trip and documented it for the New Republic.

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Here’s some fun news from our neighbors in Virginia: A brand-new firefighting boat sank last night for no reason at all, tied up at the dock and never used once. We are pretty sure there is a bigger symbolic meaning to this stupid story. MORE »

CNN Pipeline, their exclusive online streaming video service, is FREE FREE FREE today! So you can watch live coverage from a stationary camera of a boat stuck in mud! Without paying a dime! MORE »