The Baby Jesus is almost here, which means that soon, Michelle Obama and some unwilling schoolchildren will probably be making plates of whole grain toast and carrots to leave out for Kris Kringle, the only fat man fully endorsed by our FLOTUS. But before Michelle can gather the family around the hearth for bowls of […]

Answering questions Friday from youngsters at an elementary school, Obama described going for nighttime walks with first dog Bo on the White House South Lawn. He says that’s fun. But, Obama says, “Sometimes I have to scoop up his poop, because I don’t want to just leave it in the lawn!” The response from the […]

Well, hello, Wonketteers! This will presumably be the last “Barry Can You Hear Me?” of whatever year it is, so I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you knuckle-draggers for straining your third-grade reading skills in order to absorb the pure genius I spew at you each and every Friday. What a […]

Thanks to Jackie Kennedy being hott that one time she lived there, the White House is supposed to be a place of well-decorated holiday majesty at this time of year. But the Obamas are ruining it by hanging out with singing asthmatic white college guys and forcing everyone around to worship their horrifyingly faceless dog, […]

Barack Obama said “Merry Christmas” THREE times last night, at the lighting of the National Christmas Tree (we only need one?). That seems like a lot for a Muslim atheist, but in reality, it proves he’s morally weak. Not only did Obama say this phrase; he also allowed a minister to deliver an invocation at […]

Important news! According to Politico, Obama has a relative named “Bo Obama” who — no, wait, they’re talking about that fucking dog. Never mind. This publication put two whole reporters to work tracking down that dog’s trainer, because they are a newspaper that concerns itself with governmental affairs. And they called this article “THE REAL […]

President Obama did celebrate his birthday last night after all! In fact, he flew to Chicago, took a helicopter that landed on SOLDIER FIELD, and went to a restaurant with teevee lady Oprah Winfrey and her long-time companion-friend Gayle King. “Obama spent more than three hours inside,” probably receiving his orders from Oprah. Meanwhile, back […]

While you were being gnawed to death by Ice Rats, the White House socialist Bo Obama Kennedy was just fooling around in the snow. Next week he’ll be on the cover of The Sports Illustrated with his snowy ass in the air as if he just did not care. Also, things he found under the […]

Okay thanks a lot to Wonkette Operative “Phil” for sending this with the subject line, “OBAMA DOG SEX TAPE??!” This is the official Monday Night Open Thread, go nuts!

While Republican dads dump their unwanted wives and unloved children at a vacation home somewhere and then fly to Argentina on the taxpayer’s dime to tearfully commit adultery for years, Democratic wonder-dad Barack Obama continues to outrage the family-hating wingnut blogosphere by keeping various “promises” made to his “happy” children, such as “I’ll get you […]

Ted Kennedy’s gift horse Texan Water Monster, “Bo Hussein Obama,” now has his own crappy print-and-save “baseball card” from the White House, hooray for civil rights! Just, uh, print it out at work — don’t let Liz Becton catch you! — and, oh we don’t know just probably throw it away. Bo loves tomatoes and […]

Those who listen to the elitist Chicago street organizer public-radio program Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me got a special treat this weekend, as Barack Obama’s personal Rasputin, David Axelrod, appeared on the show to describe how much this Socialist White House hates our nation’s fake-breasted gay-hating soft-porn models. [NewsPoliticsNews/NPR]

If all the newspapers in America disappeared tomorrow — instead of next year, as scheduled, because of Gmail — you would never know about this story. Think about it. [LA Times/Christian Science Monitor]

HELLHOUNDS  10:49 am April 24, 2009

by Sara K. Smith

ZOMBIE CUR TERRORIZES WHITE HOUSE: Oh yes speaking of Michelle Obama and her adorable talk with the cute childrens yesterday: “the president and his wife lie awake at night as they listen to the febrile skritching of a maniacal hell-hound chasing a ball up and down the hall, forever and ever, much like those creepy […]

Ergh, Thursday was filled with grim sorrow. Here is something “cute” to, uh, make up for it all. Because it’s our fault, about the world being full of gloom and America being full of fail. At least we’ve got these nice new people in the White House being not-terrible! And maybe the economy is looking […]