In a testament to the fast-moving wheels of our justice system, John “McSlappy” Sweeney pleaded guilty yesterday to reduced charges stemming from Saturday night’s drunken road head incident. He’ll pay a fine and lose his license, but earns no jail time. For those that think that losing his license isn’t a huge punishment, I can only say: he lives in upstate New York, where there is nowhere to run to, baby, it’s practically house arrest. Also, he swears he didn’t ask the cops, “Do you know who I am?”, but he was drunk. We all say stuff drunk we don’t remember later. [Albany Times Union]

The Blowvember winds blow as briskly as ever, but their patterns are shifting towards the… vagina… direction. On Monday, a 79-year-old Catholic nun, Norma Giannini, plead no contest to accusation that she did little boys or something while teaching in Milwaukee in the ’60s. Things like this are why Wonkette approves of the culture wars. MORE »

Ex-Congressman John “McSlappy” Sweeney was, as we reported, arrested last weekend for driving up the Northway (aka, I-87) in upstate New York drunk as a skunk. At the time, reports said the recently-divorced wife-beater had a 23 year-old woman in the passenger seat. It turns out that “passenger seat” might have been an exaggeration.

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From Florida Today: “5:42 p.m…. A jury found state Rep. Bob Allen guilty of sex solicitation in his trial in Viera.”

So sad. Not the verdict, just that the trial is over. Can we have another? [Florida Today]

Louisiana Senator David Vitter will never resign, it seems. Why resign? He only fucked one of the DC Madam’s whores. Or maybe… maybe there was a history of sleeping with prostitutes? Well, in the video above from Hustler, ex-Lousiana prostitute Wendy Yow Ellis (working name: Wendy Cortez) discusses her history of sleep-ins with Vitter in the late 1990s, when he was a mere state legislator. No titties, though. You’ll have to buy the January Hustler for that. MORE »

Yesterday afternoon, the jury and defense team in the Florida trial of ex-state Rep. Bob Allen boarded a retard bus for a field trip, no permissions slips required. They “milled around Space View Park … and took turns peering into the men’s restroom where state Rep. Bob Allen encountered the undercover Titusville police officer” (the one he wanted to play Special Happy Friends with). And although the defense is claiming that the visit helped their case, it, um, kinda didn’t? MORE »

Florida Today’s brilliant liveblogging of the Bob Allen penis trial continues with day three of hilarious “he said/he said” (h/t Larry Craig) misunderstandings. The trial is expected to go all aftern–

Oh wait! The trial won’t resume until tomorrow morning, because they’re taking a field trip to the hot dog factory itself. MORE »

“Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen’s trial for cocksmoking is now in its third day, and the toothpaste is alllllll coming out. Again. More of it. Unfortunately we can’t spend the whole day following the disgraced Florida state representative’s trial, as we’d like to, but the divine newspaper Florida Today is liveblogging it (or at least making semi-regular updates to the same story). MORE »

Another day, another dollar, another sick fuck that managed to get through a significant portion of his life without being identified by the po-po as the twisted predator he is AND be elected to public office. Though, in defense of his constituents, it was in South Dakota and maybe there just weren’t enough other options? Yeah, I doubt that, too. But, join us after the jump for what may be the most twisted, idiotic, over-planned long-term scheme to sexually abuse young women (yes, boys, this one’s hetero).

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Washington state’s Columbian newspaper landed a short phone interview with disgraced, bottom-dwelling ex-Rep. Richard Curtis yesterday, and while we dutifully made jokes about the 10-15 total words Curtis said, the article’s best part was its second commenter, a charming lad/lass named Reese Mackenzy. While it’s still unclear whether Mackenzy is a human or a spambot, (s)he lended provocative insight into the GOP sex scandal mindfuckery, things the “Demrats” have blinded themselves towards. For example, did you know that “Most men at one time or another have made love to another dude”? I know right?? After the jump, Reese’s enlightening comment in full. MORE »

It’s Blowvember second, and we’ve already got two new bits of closeted gay sex! One is the principal of a Catholic school, the other is a former Daytona Beach city commissioner and mayoral candidate. We’re going to break the record this month, people. No toothpaste must remain in the tuber! MORE »