Wonkette

Former Florida state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen, the homosexual Republican who was tried and convicted for trying to blow this dude in a Florida potty, is back on our gaydar after landing in Rolling Stone’s “Yearbook 2007″ issue. No, no, it’s not for the “Top 5 Florida Legislators of the Year” list, but for the one chronicling 2007’s best GOP sex scandals. Holler to Rolling Stone: We don’t really read you, but we respect you. -ish. [WESH]

So long to the mirthful tap-tap-tap of Endless Cummer, the bite of Cocktober, and what turned out to be a mildly gusty Blowvember. We will commemorate your legacies during Dickcember, the winner of our poll. Write-in candidate “Jizzember” almost stole the crown from Dickcember, the wealthiest and most connected candidate, but get real — this is Amerka, and we don’t elect underdogs. Anyway, with Hanucockkah, Cockzaa and Dickmas all integral aspects of the Dickcember melting poofter (no? not working?), don’t be surprised to see some secret, usually gay, usually hypocritical, usually ugly and always funny dicks in Wonkette news. Happy… Whoridays?

Crap crap crap, it’s Blowvember 30 and we haven’t settled on a name for December yet! We’re not even going to attempt to make this diamonds/pearls-esque decision, so, um… small request… you do it? After the jump, our poll (which will be open until we arbitrarily close it sometime later today): What shall we call December? And if people bitch about the winner later on, we’ll just pass all blame on Ben Johnson. MORE »

When we first reported on the extramarital affair that was ending Mark Everson’s short tenure at the helm of the Red Cross, we figured that he’d been boning some secretary here in Washington and the age difference or openness of it was so egregious that the Board decided they needed to find an executive with the good sense to keep his dick in his pants. It turns out that Everson’s mistress was actually not inappropriately young or even in Washington - but having an affair with Paige Roberts is apparently never simple. At least we were right about the egregious openness part, anyway. The scandaliciousness continues after the jump.

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Notice that shiny wedding ring? Despite its shine and heft, this prominent Republican apparently managed to ignore it long enough to get his rocks off and it’s costing him his cushy job at the Red Cross.

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These are the most viewed topic pages on Conservapedia, which Phyllis’ Schlafly’s son created in response to Wikipedia’s “liberal bias” (source: Wikipedia’s “Conservapedia” entry). As you can imagine, we got about 800 tips for this — 800 glorious tips, that is. [Conservapedia]

Remember how we said the “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen saga was kaput? Well, it still is — unless you live in Florida. If you follow the logical thread that bathroom blowjob = gay embarrassment = weeklong misdemeanor trial = conviction = resignation, the laugh cycle has reached its limit for most Americans. But for Floridians it continues, because resignation = special election = MONEY$. And as the Orlando Sentinel reported today, a special election could cost the state $400,000. The state could either tap into its tax revenue or allow Bob Allen to buy 20,000 blowjobs from government employees.

Filling Rep. Bob Allen’s seat could cost Orange, Brevard $200,000 each [Orlando Sentinel]

This has been a really bad week for D.E. Paulk, the head pastor at the Cathedral of the Holy Spirit at Chapel Hill Harvester Church (a megachurch outside of Atlanta). The church at which he is head pastor has been engulfed in a series of sex scandals due to the actions of his uncle and, to a lesser degree his father. Only — whoops — it turns out the two men were kind of hard to tell apart (at least for his mother).

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Wonkette readers, we must be the bearer of bad news. The saga of Florida’s now ex-state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen has finally come to a satisfying, but bittersweet, close. Yesterday afternoon, Allen was sentenced on a misdemeanor count of solicitation for prostitution (in lay terms: they done punished him for trying to blow that guy in the potty room). Today, Allen resigned from the Florida House of Representatives — effective Feb. 15, 2008, for some reason. A sad day for America, sure, but “Twenty Dollar” Bob leaves us with one final goldmine of makefunnery: the terms of his sentencing. MORE »

In a testament to the fast-moving wheels of our justice system, John “McSlappy” Sweeney pleaded guilty yesterday to reduced charges stemming from Saturday night’s drunken road head incident. He’ll pay a fine and lose his license, but earns no jail time. For those that think that losing his license isn’t a huge punishment, I can only say: he lives in upstate New York, where there is nowhere to run to, baby, it’s practically house arrest. Also, he swears he didn’t ask the cops, “Do you know who I am?”, but he was drunk. We all say stuff drunk we don’t remember later. [Albany Times Union]

The Blowvember winds blow as briskly as ever, but their patterns are shifting towards the… vagina… direction. On Monday, a 79-year-old Catholic nun, Norma Giannini, plead no contest to accusation that she did little boys or something while teaching in Milwaukee in the ’60s. Things like this are why Wonkette approves of the culture wars. MORE »

Ex-Congressman John “McSlappy” Sweeney was, as we reported, arrested last weekend for driving up the Northway (aka, I-87) in upstate New York drunk as a skunk. At the time, reports said the recently-divorced wife-beater had a 23 year-old woman in the passenger seat. It turns out that “passenger seat” might have been an exaggeration.

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From Florida Today: “5:42 p.m…. A jury found state Rep. Bob Allen guilty of sex solicitation in his trial in Viera.”

So sad. Not the verdict, just that the trial is over. Can we have another? [Florida Today]

Louisiana Senator David Vitter will never resign, it seems. Why resign? He only fucked one of the DC Madam’s whores. Or maybe… maybe there was a history of sleeping with prostitutes? Well, in the video above from Hustler, ex-Lousiana prostitute Wendy Yow Ellis (working name: Wendy Cortez) discusses her history of sleep-ins with Vitter in the late 1990s, when he was a mere state legislator. No titties, though. You’ll have to buy the January Hustler for that. MORE »