Tag Archives: blingees

  snark-free

In Unfamiliar Role, Wonkette Scours Internet for Good News

Yr Wonkette, just like everybody else, still stuck in one of the first four stages of the five stages of grief. (“Acceptance” is not on the table. Not now, not ever). In order to get through the day, we’ve been searching the internets for things that are not awful. We have also been drinking but that is nothing new now is it. Presented without comment is Wonkette’s tribute to Buzzfeed listicles: 6 Good Things that Happened on the Internet: Read more on In Unfamiliar Role, Wonkette Scours Internet for Good News…
  politics just got a little dirtier

Iowa Weather Advisory: Beware Rising Wave of Santorum

Uh-oh, guys, get your haz-mat suits out from the bottom of the survival kit: we are noticing a rapidly growing flood of “Santorum surging” stories out there right now, GAH. Rick Santorum has shot into third place in Iowa in the latest NBC-Marist poll, which means that every last weepy Republican homophobe who has actively campaigned in the state this election season has finally gotten a turn at some top-tier attention before the caucuses, hooray. Sadly, he will probably never make it to the actual top of the trash heap and we will therefore be denied all the terrifying “SANTORUM BUBBLE BURSTS” headlines of doom. Which of Rick Santorum’s ridiculous policy ideas are finally endearing him to bigoted voters? Read more on Iowa Weather Advisory: Beware Rising Wave of Santorum…
  chaos and anarchy

Hooray, Fraud Everywhere Envelops Looming Wisconsin Recall Elections!

Wisconsin’s critical elections to recall six Republican legislators and regain control of the state senate take place next week on August 9, which means it is time for the privately-funded organisms of Terror and Death to hurl into action with all their vote-inhibiting might. We have pictured here an actual Voter Deception mailer blingee courtesy of the Koch Brothers front-group Americans For Prosperity, who were caught sending out these “save the date” invitations to potential voters with, hoh boy, THE WRONG DATE! Read more on Hooray, Fraud Everywhere Envelops Looming Wisconsin Recall Elections!…
  funny pictures

Wingnuts Just Love This ‘American Dream’ Facebook Photo Contest Thing

The American Chamber of Commerce is running a photo contest on Facebook asking people to “submit a photo of the American Dream as it is embodied by your small business or a business in your community.” HUUNNHHH? Apparently this was sort of a tough assignment for folk, correctly figuring out what the words in that sentence mean. “So you want us to send you our vacation photos and blingees?” is how that sentence apparently actually reads. “SURE!” So here we go: Read more on Wingnuts Just Love This ‘American Dream’ Facebook Photo Contest Thing…
  heads and minds

Wasilla Soldier Who Murdered Afghans For Fun Also Posed With Their Heads

Another proud product of Wasilla, Alaska, Army Specialist Jeremy Morlock has plead guilty to three counts of murder for killing Afghan civilians to pass the time when he wasn’t killing the other kind of Afghans. But that’s not all! Some of Morlock’s comrades have also been charged with following his lead to murder these people, and doing so while on drugs. Usually, this would be just another “unfortunate murders in a murder zone of important murders” story, and everyone’s eyes would glaze over, but now there are pixxx. Read more on Wasilla Soldier Who Murdered Afghans For Fun Also Posed With Their Heads…
  when rock was young

Elton John Pleads Not Guilty To Arizona Shooting Deaths

Jared Loughner pleaded not guilty today in federal court in Phoenix. Sure thing! Good luck with that! But according to courtroom illustrations, it wasn’t Loughner who entered the plea, but someone who appeared to be beloved recording artist/dear friend of Rush Limbaugh Elton John. C’mon Arizona, you can’t prosecute the gays for this. [CTV] Read more on Elton John Pleads Not Guilty To Arizona Shooting Deaths…
  the reason for the season

Tom Coburn Slashes 9/11-Cancer Relief, Suddenly Has Evil Goatee

Just weeks after Joe Miller’s stunning midterm loss, facial hair has finally returned to the Senate, as Tom Coburn has, heroically, suddenly grown the goatee (“Van Dyke”) of Santa Claus’ evil twin or whatever. And, powered by a churning gizzard full of holiday douchenog, he managed to single-handedly slash today’s 9/11 first-responder health benefits bill from $7.4 billion in benefits and compensation to $1.5 for benefits and $2.7 for compensation. Plus, the fund will close forever in five years, so hurry up and get your 9/11-related cancer now, 9/11 guys! Read more on Tom Coburn Slashes 9/11-Cancer Relief, Suddenly Has Evil Goatee…
  cary grant was right

Invisible Space Monsters Made of Arsenic Will Kill Us, NASA Announces

NASA finally made their big announcement about alien life this afternoon: They were looking around some mud somewhere and found a microorganism that is made of arsenic instead of the usual stuff of which every other living thing on Earth is made. This means life can perhaps exist in many other ways we can’t conceive, so there are probably a bunch of invisible arsenic dinosaur-like things walking on the Moon, and we didn’t even know it. It may turn out there are intelligent beings with structures of PURE GOLD on other planets, when we were stupidly looking for worthless carbon-based humanoids all along. THERE IS A NEW FRONTIER: WE MUST VENTURE OUT AND KILL AND MAKE NECKLACES OUT OF THESE KIND GOLD-BEINGS. Read more on Invisible Space Monsters Made of Arsenic Will Kill Us, NASA Announces…
  stuffing

Obama Performs Obligatory Turkey Pardon For America’s Grandmas

SURPRISE, Obama did the dumb turkey pardon thing today. So now those two fowls will live out their days in uninterrupted luxury in Gitmo. Administration Cute Czar Sasha and Cuter Czar Malia were on hand because this sort of thing is supposed to be cute. But that didn’t stop serious op-ed writers from criticizing him because he doesn’t seem to enjoy this pointless dumb thing that is only done so America’s grandmothers can get a photo of it and post it on the fridge. Read more on Obama Performs Obligatory Turkey Pardon For America’s Grandmas…
  feels like you have freedom in your pants sir

Here Is Your Photo of TSA Fisting a Guy

So this fun news photo was being passed around today! It has now been enshrined in Blingee form, thanks to us, and will soon be put into the National Archives. One day we will look back on this Blingee and try to remember what it was like when the federal government wasn’t feeling up our genitals all the time. It will be hard difficult. Read more on Here Is Your Photo of TSA Fisting a Guy…
  support the war not the troops

AFA: Medal of Honor Only Awarded For Being Gay In the Line of Duty Now

Yesterday, President Obama awarded the Medal of Honor to Army Staff Sgt. Sal Giunta for putting himself in the line of fire to save two comrades during an ambush in Afghanistan in October 2007. But however much courage it took to do that, the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer just cannot get over how gay that was. “I have noticed a disturbing trend in the awarding of these medals, which few others seem to have recognized. We have feminized the Medal of Honor.” Noooooo! That piece of jewelry used to be so butch! According to Fischer, the Medal is now only awarded to soldiers for saving lives above the call of duty. “Not one has been awarded for inflicting casualties on the enemy. Not one.” Never mind, of course, that Giunta actually did shoot some guys, killing one, who were dragging away his wounded comrade. Read more on AFA: Medal of Honor Only Awarded For Being Gay In the Line of Duty Now…
  hope and change out of those clothes

Nation Celebrates Columbus Day Eve By Throwing Book, Showing Its Dick

Everyone decided it was Do Shit to Obama Day when the president had a rally in Philadelphia yesterday. Some unknown person threw a paperback book at him, for one, though apparently the president didn’t notice, so our antsy nation must wait until next time to try to change Obama’s reading habits again by tossing magazines and books and pre-loaded Kindles at him. Also, finally some Messican tried to take up that one billionaire guy’s $1-million offer to streak in front of the president. Unfortunately, Obama didn’t see the guy’s dick, because the police rushed in and covered the streaker up with a campaign sign. But hopefully that didn’t invalidate this stunt, because our nation’s economy could sort of use that million-dollar infusion. If it helps, we made a Blingee of it! Read more on Nation Celebrates Columbus Day Eve By Throwing Book, Showing Its Dick…
  lady gaga is our 9/11

Wonkette’s Liz Glover & Lady Gaga Had a Yoga Thing

Hahahaha, here’s the complete text of a secret email from Famous Wonkette videographer of record Liz Glover: “Say of it what you will. I trust your judgment.” Wait, is that a good idea, Liz? Especially when international video-singer sensation “Lady Gaga” was sweatin’ to the oldies in your Capitol Hill Yoga Studio? Right after her sold-out (?) extravaganza at the White House Verizon Amusement Stadium? Read more on Wonkette’s Liz Glover & Lady Gaga Had a Yoga Thing…
  helping our blog friends

RedState’s Lonely Photoshop Contest

With nothing else to talk about today, despite the fact that Sharia is slowly being added to law books all over the country, RedState decided they were gonna have themselves a good ol’ Photoshoppin’ contest with a photo of the newly made-over Oval Office. But three hours later, why has no one entered yet? “Da Rules: Don’t be profane, don’t be disgusting, don’t be crazy. This is for fun.” First of all, “Da”? That sounds BLACK. And it’s impossible not to be profane or disgusting or crazy when you make a racist Photoshop. And also Photoshops of the Oval Office are VERY SERIOUS MATTERS for conservatives, not “for fun.” So we are providing a Photoshopped image of a floating Erick Erickson with his trusty laptop in this version of RedState’s Oval Office photo, and we are holding a Blingee contest! Read more on RedState’s Lonely Photoshop Contest…
  looking fiiiiiine gurl

Shirley Sherrod Displays Best Body Language Ever In Vilsack Press Conference

Oh look, our pal Shirley finally ended her well-deserved weeks of R&R to hold a press conference with Ag Secretary Tom Vilsack-of-poop about him groveling to get her to come back to the USDA. She decided not to take the job, because who wants to work for Tom Vilsack? That’s not exactly titillating news, but what was funny was the body language these two showed in this press conference, and thus we had to make multiple Blingees documenting it. Read more on Shirley Sherrod Displays Best Body Language Ever In Vilsack Press Conference…