• Ole Blaggy is literally signing bills over Abraham Lincoln’s dead body, in Springfield! [Top of the Ticket]
• Throwy Journalist is being held in Camp Cropper right now, where he is maybe being tortured. [Crooks and Liars]
• Socks the Cat is dying of cancer, making him the only occupant of the Clinton White House that Obama will not bringing back. [NY Daily News]
• Paul Wolfowitz is an adult retard who can neither fill up his car with gas nor nation-build correctly. [Yeas and Nays]
• Prostitute- and irony-enthusiast Eliot Spitzer attended Slate’s fancy contrarian holiday party at a whorehouse formerly called Happy Ending. [HuffPost]

We already knew that National Review Online editor and former secretary Kathryn Jean Lopez was proud of America when the Blagojevich scandal broke because (a) it was simple enough for her to understand and (b) it didn’t involve queers. In her column today, however, she offers even more trenchant insight regarding Blago’s conscience — why he didn’t have one, so to speak. Perhaps a childhood tragedy left him scarred? Perhaps “narcissistic personality disorder,” which is a medical disease? Perhaps lingering depression? Simple greed? Please. A writer of K-Lo’s caliber need not engage such ridiculous psychological dalliances. The point is that Blago is evil because he loves abortion, much like the Democrats. MORE »

We have been looking far and wide for the ultimate Blago doppelganger and here he is: the famous local zombie editor of Reason, Nick Gillespie. Or is Gillespie just too cool? [Jerry Brito via The Corner]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Let’s just get it out there: Rod “Blago” Blagojevich has awesome hair. Sure, it may be a sign of some crippling psychological disorder, but it’s a symbol of Rod “The Blag Man” Blagojevich’s virility and stature, and we all have to respect it. Rod “Blagger Of The Year” Blagojevich dreamed of bringing his hair onto the national stage someday so that all of America could enjoy it. And that fond wish of his has now been fulfilled, though he probably had hopes that it would appear on front pages across America in photographs, not courtroom drawings. MORE »

No one is investing in anything now — even in newspapers or crappy cars! — so it’ll be hard for every state in the country to lure short-term debt investors, since they’re all expected to become insolvent at some point(s) within the next few years. (Ha ha, sucks not being able to print money, doesn’t it STATES?) The state of Illinois, meanwhile, is having an especially tough time selling off its debt, because who wants to buy debt from a state that’s governed by an actual adult retard? MORE »

Here’s some courtroom sketch of that Blaggy guy, Illinois mafioso Rod Blagojevich, suffering under the burden of this incredible hair monster. Here’s a quick tip for voters on the lookout for “clean” candidates: If they have hair like this, in 2008, they are a complete fucking criminal. No exceptions. [Princess Sparkle Pony]

• Rahm Emanuel is not your fucking whistle-blower. [Marc Ambinder]
• If it had been a McCain speechwriter groping a cardboard Michelle Obama instead of the homonymic Jon Favreau looking uncomfortable while feeling up a Hillary sex animatron, the press would have been more scandalized. But this is definitely more Sexist, by virtue of Sex Doll Hillary’s involvement. [Vanity Fair]
• Ask Barry all of his deepest secrets, on his “Open for Questions” web site thing!  [The Corner]
• The official slogan of the Inauguration is “Renewing America’s Promise,” which was recycled from the the 1984 Democratic Convention. In today’s dollars, America’s promise can be renewed for half a pack of Saltines and a Tower Records gift card. [Ben Smith]
• Blaggy’s lawyer said that the corrupt corruption-fetishist was “surprised” to learn about all of this, his long tradition of corruption. [TPMMuckraker]
• To save money, Citibank won’t give lollipops to kids in drive-thrus. [AMERICAblog]

Well, we had to do this post at some point (not really!). Thank you to The Smoking Gun for providing this juicy excerpt from the FBI’s affadavit re: the various stupid crimes of Illinois Governor Rod “Blaggy” Blagojevich in his attempt to sell a United States Senate seat for a cushy job, a cushy job for his wife, or just some cold motherfuckin’ cash, preferably from Warren Buffett, who has lots of it. MORE »

One of the first few things we thought of after hearing about Blaggy’s arrest was, “What will Kathryn Jean Lopez have to say about this?” She loves it! She loves it because it’s so easy to understand and fits into her Manichean worldview (well, she makes everything fit into her Manichean worldview, but this one just snugs in there so comfortably). And it doesn’t involve sex or queers which is all gross ‘n’ stuff! We’re glad that this G-rated scandal is simple enough for K-Lo, who is childless “K-Lo’s children” to understand. [The Corner, thank you Alex K. for IMing me this most recent hilarity]