• Take a look at NOW! That’s What I Call Michele Bachmann Vol. 1, in which our gal smugly recites lines from The Bald Soprano at confused interlocutors and looks proudly on. [TPM via Gawker]
• Hollywood Box Office is making a feature film about that Lewinsky gal, the one from the 90s! Dennis Quad will be Bill, Julianne Moore will be Hillary, and they’re not getting an actress to play Lewinsky, they’re just going to use old news footage or who knows, maybe cast Cate Blanchett, Richard Gere and an animated Heath Ledger to tag-team it. [Top of the Ticket]
• Rod Blagojevich, an actual toddler who, for a period of time, precociously involved himself in Illinois politics, says he has no regrets, in case you were thinking that he participated in some regretful activities. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Democratic People’s Republic of Alaska will be accepting most of the stiumulus funds, regardless of whatever Sarah Palin refused. [Anchorage Daily News]
• And the good news!: America is still the world’s #1 exporter of vacuous neologisms. USA #1! [Crooks and Liars]

There is only one way we’re buying Rod Blagojevich’s sure-to-be-shitty “inside story” about how he’s an “incompetent crook” and “washed-up circus clown” — and that’s if Chicago’s Lauri Apple actually provides the cover art. And the “book” is not actually written by Rod Blagojevich, and is also not about him at all. The back cover needs to be the famous “I CAN PARACHUTE ME THERE” illustration, the end. [Chicagoist/TrendPiece]

Forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich thought he could finally cash in big with Barack Obama’s Senate seat, but that didn’t work out too well. Then Rod went on every talk show and cable-news program to jabber hysterical bullshit, and that really didn’t lead to riches, either. Now, at the end of both his political career and his brief stint as America’s Diversionary Joke, Blago has signed a very modest “six figure” deal to write an idiotic book. (”Six figure,” in this case, almost certainly means exactly $100,000 — a lot of money, to most people, but a lot less than the $155,600 he used to make as governor of Illinois.) [AP/WBBM]

• Interior Secretary Ken Salazar is so busy, with his interior responsibilities, that after his own press conference, he pretended to pretend to be a reporter for a full 45 minutes of Robert Gibbs’ press briefing. [The Caucus]
• The ongoing O’Reilly/Alba feud in still ongoing. Its exciting denouement has already featured the two of them competing to see who can Wikipedia “World War II” the least incorrectly. [Matthew Yglesias]
• Histrionic starfucker Rod Blagojevich wants to speak at his impeachment trial, assuming the state senate allows him to do this and probably only if the proceedings will be televised, for Dignity. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Say goodbye to the carbon tax you thought you were maybe going to get, because you’re not. Happy “breathing”! [Daily Dish]
• Former Governor of Alaska Barack Obama has called out all of DC for being such gay little girls about the, what, one inch?, of snow. [Politico]

Rod Blagojevich for the win! The comedy continues, as smirking creep Dick Cheney swears in megalomaniacal Death Monument-builder Roland Burris. This marks the end of racism and the Triumph of the Black Spirit. [AP]

• Rahm Emanuel wanted Obama’s Senate seat for himself — it is a fucking object of inestimable worth — and asked Blaggy to save it for him. Still, he didn’t offer Blaggy any famous nine-fingered handjobs in return. [TPMMuckraker]
• Howard Wolfson is taking his porn and his Bon Iver mixtapes and his dumb blog to New York, where he will be bringing some of the old Clinton Campaign Magic to Bloomberg’s now-doomed re-election team. [The Caucus]
• Here is Brit Hume’s farewell ode to Brit Hume; the former and latter will be starting his depressingly vague-sounding new job as Fox’s “Senior Political Analyst” in 2009. [Michael Calderone]
• How much does America know about this C. Hussein Kennedy? Literally nothing, but things seem Muslim, don’t they? [The Fix]
• Oh hey Merry Christmas: The unemployment rate is the highest its been in 26 years. [Daily Beast]

The Obama camp’s internal investigation report about its contact with Blaggy’s office regarding the “fuckin’ valuable” Senate seat “thing” has been released. Written by Obama’s fancy lawyer, Greg Craig, the report comes in at a brisk 4.5 pages. No one on the Obama team, according to the Obama team report, ever discussed any sort of quid pro quo with Blaggy. MORE »

• Rick Warren will exorcise the all gay out of Barry using the same Bible that Lincoln used at his Invocation. [The Caucus]
• Barack Obama has shipped Rahm Emanuel to Africa, where he will be able to avoid Blaggy. [HuffPost]
• Here is famed music critic Howard Wolfson’s list of all the music he listened to while stress-eating and furiously masturbating in 2008. Howard Wolfson is so emo. [Ben Smith]
• The Pope has said some terrible things about the homosexuals, whom he thinks are totally gay. [Political Machine]
• Sarah Palin says that the most important thing she learned from the campaign was that things go badly when she is not in charge. [Top of the Ticket]

Here’s CNN’s coverage of the wacky Kipling-inspired Blago press conference, in which the governor of Illinois is on cocaine, lots and lots of cocaine. And for those of you who didn’t understand our constant exclamations about Rick Sanchez’s Twitter in the liveblog, well, pay attention. It is the best possible thing to happen on cable teevee, showing crazy Internet peoples’ comments during actual news events. One of the last ones sums up the hilarity: “sundaycosmetics: Are u taking story ideas fm Twitter?” [YouTube]

Mobland Chicago is all about crime, dancing on chairs while wearing fishnet/tuxedo combos, corruption, and gruesome paintings of terrible, naked politicians. This one bar, the world-famous Old Town Ale House, is also known for co-owner Bruce Elliot’s whimsical smutty paintings, such as recent sensation “Naked Sarah Palin.” Now he has painted a naked Rod Blagojevich, wearing (of course) an orange jumpsuit, but it’s around his ankles as he is being raped in prison. Somebody please go over there and snap a photo; meanwhile here is the delightful parachuting Blaggy painting by Lauri Apple. [Chicago Tribune]

So Blagojevich tried to shake down Jesse Junior for $25K years ago, and Jesse was all, “I don’t think so,” and then Blaggy somehow made Mrs. Jesse Jackson Junior not get some sweet job, and then he was all, “Now you see what $25,000 is worth, you punk,” and Jesse Junior thought this over, for a couple of years, and then went straight to the U.S. Attorney’s office. Illinois is incredible. [CNN]