black friday

ALL QUIET ON THE NORTHERN FRONT  6:34 pm November 23, 2012

Catch-11/23: Being A True and Accurate Account of the Late War On Christmas

by Rich Abdill

For real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter. Ex-PFC Wintergreen was cold. So cold. It seemed so easy to just drift off, but there was fucking Minderbinder screaming in his face, hoisting him over his shoulder, getting him the fuck out of there, man. He could only stare at Milo’s lips, [...]

CAPITALISM TO THE RESCUE  10:15 am November 21, 2012

Walmart Spokesman: Let Them Eat Cake (They Buy With Discount Cards)

by Kris E. Benson

Bleeding heart liberals and latte-drinking East Coast elitists, please do not feel sorry for Walmart workers this Thursday as you enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday and try to think of ways to boycott a store you wouldn’t be caught dead in. You see, even though Walmart workers barely eke out a living on sub-poverty wages, the [...]

UNION THUGS  4:10 pm November 19, 2012

Walmart: What’s Good For Walmart Is Good For Country, The Children

by Kris E. Benson

Walmart workers are threatening to strike on Black Friday and we at Wonkette couldn’t be happier because we are elitist liberals who do not shop at Walmart. But do not worry, Real Americans, you will not lose your Twinkies AND your big box retailer all in one week, because Walmart is NOT GOING TO TAKE [...]

2012 CAN'T COME QUICK ENOUGH  11:33 pm November 26, 2011

‘Black Friday’ Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap

by Wonkette Jr.

Pepper spray was a-spraying, knives were a-stabbing, guns were a-shooting, muggers were a-mugging, punchers were a-punching — it was a “Black Friday” celebration that truly proved if you’re not a part of the worldwide anti-corporate protests, then you’re actually a very stinky part of the problem. But the Gold Medal in Applied Assjerk Consumerism goes [...]

WHAT PASSES FOR HISTORY THESE DAYS  4:00 pm November 26, 2010

Obama Nearly Killed By Basketball

by Ken Layne

America’s least favorite current president, Barack Obama, was nearly murdered in a basketball game today. He got 12 stitches! Apparently his face got in a fight with somebody’s elbow — maybe belonging to that Reggie Love character? — and next thing you know Joe Biden was about this close to nuking Alaska.

LIFE DURING WARTIME  8:49 am December 2, 2009

Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War

by Ken Layne

WalMart! There is nothing quite like a blood riot in a WalMart to make you want to go anywhere else, even Afghanistan. Enjoy this footage from “Black Friday,” the magic day in America when the citizens don’t even pretend to be human. [YouTube]


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