Tag Archives: black friday

  Buy all the things!

Wonkette Black Friday: Buy All The Things You Want, From Home In Your Underwear

You know you want it
Are you still recovering from your Thanksgiving food coma? Are you already worrying about what to give your friends and family for the holidays, but you aren’t one of those people who camped out all night outside Big Box Store to buy the latest iGadgets and Tickle-Me-Whatevers? No problem! We’ve got just the things for you, and you can buy them now, in your underwear, without going anywhere. Read more on Wonkette Black Friday: Buy All The Things You Want, From Home In Your Underwear…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Mission Implausible

Welcome to yet another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose off our browser and serve up a cocktail of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Mission Implausible…
  mantener puto ese pollo

Scott Walker Would Be Racially Transcendent Except For Those Meddling Racist Aides

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is one of those Republican thought leaders who’s been saying that his party really needs to do a better job of reaching out to minority voters. That would probably be a lot easier if he didn’t have to keep firing his own aides for saying racist stuff on the social media, like his campaign’s deputy finance director Taylor Palmisano, who got canned Tuesday after the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel found those charming tweets, which she’d sent in 2011: “I will choke that illegal mex cleaning in the library. Stop banging (expletive) chairs around and turn off your Walkman,” she posted on March 9, 2011. Two months earlier, she went to Twitter to write about her bus trip from Pasadena, Calif., to Las Vegas after watching the Wisconsin Badgers play in the Rose Bowl: “This bus is my worst (expletive) nightmare Nobody speaks English & these ppl dont know how 2 control their kids #only3morehours #illegalaliens.” You can pretty much imagine people coming to her defense — hey, 2011 was a long time ago, before Republicans even knew that they’d have to stop being racist in public! She was only 21 at the time, she’s probably matured a whole bunch since then. Besides, why would Walker want to get rid of someone with the magical ability to tell whether the Mexes around her were illegal just by looking at them? Read more on Scott Walker Would Be Racially Transcendent Except For Those Meddling Racist Aides…
  all quiet on the northern front

Catch-11/23: Being A True and Accurate Account of the Late War On Christmas

For real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter. Ex-PFC Wintergreen was cold. So cold. It seemed so easy to just drift off, but there was fucking Minderbinder screaming in his face, hoisting him over his shoulder, getting him the fuck out of there, man. He could only stare at Milo’s lips, from which no sound issued. The smell of nutmeg had deafened him. He looked down. Where his legs should have been was instead a giant web of cotton candy. He fainted. Read more on Catch-11/23: Being A True and Accurate Account of the Late War On Christmas…
  capitalism to the rescue

Walmart Spokesman: Let Them Eat Cake (They Buy With Discount Cards)

Bleeding heart liberals and latte-drinking East Coast elitists, please do not feel sorry for Walmart workers this Thursday as you enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday and try to think of ways to boycott a store you wouldn’t be caught dead in. You see, even though Walmart workers barely eke out a living on sub-poverty wages, the liberal media has left out an important part of the story, which is that Walmart workers can supplement their sub-poverty wages with discount cards to the company store. Watch as a stupid CNN reporter is told some TRUTH. Read more on Walmart Spokesman: Let Them Eat Cake (They Buy With Discount Cards)…
  union thugs

Walmart: What’s Good For Walmart Is Good For Country, The Children

Walmart workers are threatening to strike on Black Friday and we at Wonkette couldn’t be happier because we are elitist liberals who do not shop at Walmart. But do not worry, Real Americans, you will not lose your Twinkies AND your big box retailer all in one week, because Walmart is NOT GOING TO TAKE IT. Read more on Walmart: What’s Good For Walmart Is Good For Country, The Children…
  2012 can't come quick enough

‘Black Friday’ Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap

Pepper spray was a-spraying, knives were a-stabbing, guns were a-shooting, muggers were a-mugging, punchers were a-punching — it was a “Black Friday” celebration that truly proved if you’re not a part of the worldwide anti-corporate protests, then you’re actually a very stinky part of the problem. But the Gold Medal in Applied Assjerk Consumerism goes to the shoppers at the Target crap box store in South Charleston, West Virginia: These bargain-crazed mouth-breathing waterheads literally walked over a dying 61-year-old man who collapsed in the aisles. Can we please do an “alternate history swap” and have the Native Americans defeat the Europeans? Please? Read more on ‘Black Friday’ Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap…
  what passes for history these days

Obama Nearly Killed By Basketball

America’s least favorite current president, Barack Obama, was nearly murdered in a basketball game today. He got 12 stitches! Apparently his face got in a fight with somebody’s elbow — maybe belonging to that Reggie Love character? — and next thing you know Joe Biden was about this close to nuking Alaska. Read more on Obama Nearly Killed By Basketball…
  life during wartime

Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War

WalMart! There is nothing quite like a blood riot in a WalMart to make you want to go anywhere else, even Afghanistan. Enjoy this footage from “Black Friday,” the magic day in America when the citizens don’t even pretend to be human. [YouTube] Read more on Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War…