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Tag: black friday

Here Is Where To Throw All Your Cash Money For #GivingTuesday (OW! OW! STOP IT! DON’T STOP!)

OPEN UP YOUR WALLETS AND GIVE BACK, FOOLS.
what a drag it is getting sold

A Lot Of Americans Making Black Friday Green With Trips To Pot Stores. While Others…

Black Friday funtimes (and just a couple of deaths) hooray!

Buy Almost Nothing Today Except For Our Family-Owned Small-Business Jazzy Funtimes Politicks Stuff!

It's Buy Nothing Day! But you can still buy our fabulous Christmasy presents tomorrow!
blood meridian 2015

Home For The Holidays (Because Walmart Fired Them For No Reason)

Remember a couple of weeks ago when we told you that esteemed Corporate Person Walmart's Black Friday awfulness had plateaued (because of increased attention to online sales)? We were all, "Hurray! You're not worse than last year but we're still not...
The pope's new record, probably.

Pope Francis Drops Dope New Record On Black Friday, Like A Common Adele

Know that thing when you are sporting around in your new Lexus, gettin' in a little "Dad Time" while you take your privileged white children to soccer practice by forcing them to listen to Rush? (The band, not the...
The reason for the season.

Here’s Your Turkey Drunk, Black Friday Hungover Weekly Top Ten. Read It NOW!

Good Saturday morning, Wonkers! You are so much fatter than last time we saw you, but that's OK, we are too. We hope your Thanksgiving was full of all the food you like, whether that's buckets of fried turducken...
Mazel tov about the egg thing

Fine Hipsters, Taco Bell Will Put Free-Range Artisanal Kale Eggs In Your Chalupas

Your Wonkette stands before you bearing gifts of Corporate Jerkery the likes of which have never been seen since last week. And just in time for Thanksgiving and Black Friday, too! Blessed is the government that steals from the...
bringing out the best in us since 2005

Walmart And Pals Trying To Lower Black Friday Body Count, How Nice!

Among our country's holidays, perhaps none is truly more American than Black Friday. After a day of food, football, and listening to an uncle say "that Ted Cruz makes some good points about the Gold Standard," we are given the option to unleash our...
They're watching you.

Jesus Buying All His Christmas Presents At Hobby Lobby And Chick-Fil-A From Now On

It's the most wonderful time of the year, almost! We've had a real good start to the War On Christmas, thanks to Starbucks making a cup that does not explicitly mention how the Baby Jesus died so you can...
That's all behind us now

Hooray! Lady-beater Ray Rice Is Free To Play Sportsball Again

Here is some really important news for people who still care a lot about football, but not so much about domestic violence: Ray Rice has won the appeal of his indefinite suspension by the NFL. An arbitrator ruled Friday that his...
You know you want it

Wonkette Black Friday: Buy All The Things You Want, From Home In Your Underwear

Are you still recovering from your Thanksgiving food coma? Are you already worrying about what to give your friends and family for the holidays, but you aren't one of those people who camped out all night outside Big Box...

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Mission Implausible

Welcome to yet another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose off our browser and serve up a cocktail of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. We'll...

Scott Walker Would Be Racially Transcendent Except For Those Meddling Racist Aides

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is one of those Republican thought leaders who's been saying that his party really needs to do a better job of reaching out to minority voters. That would probably be a lot easier if he...

Catch-11/23: Being A True and Accurate Account of the Late War On Christmas

For real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter. Ex-PFC Wintergreen was cold. So cold. It seemed so easy to just drift off, but there was fucking Minderbinder screaming in his face, hoisting him over his...

Walmart Spokesman: Let Them Eat Cake (They Buy With Discount Cards)

Bleeding heart liberals and latte-drinking East Coast elitists, please do not feel sorry for Walmart workers this Thursday as you enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday and try to think of ways to boycott a store you wouldn't be caught dead...

Walmart: What’s Good For Walmart Is Good For Country, The Children

Walmart workers are threatening to strike on Black Friday and we at Wonkette couldn't be happier because we are elitist liberals who do not shop at Walmart. But do not worry, Real Americans, you will not lose your Twinkies...