While millions of FOX News viewers were busily fantasizing about the inevitable race riots that would leave Oakland, Philly, Detroit, and Chicago in smoking ruins following Barack Obama’s crushing defeat Tuesday night, nobody thought to wonder what would become of the bitter Klingons who might be sad if Barack Obama actually won. Well, here’s your answer: they get drunk and bite people’s noses and then just sort of … fall over. MORE »

Barack Obama’s “ancestors” in the quaint town of Kogelo, Kenya, deign to slaughter this beast if their favorite Luo Tribesman wins the U.S. presidential election. Now that the Bitters have more or less finished voting, everyone forward this post to every Bitter you know, along with scary comments like “THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU NEXT, BUBBA.” It will scare the shit out of them, ha ha. Do it. [CNN]

Well folks, there won’t be any real “news” for hours and hours today, and you keep in sending your nice reports, so we will just cut and paste and get to the drinking early. Here we have EXCLUSIVE ON-THE-GROUND EYEWITNESS REPORTS regarding a sassy lady on the bus in Bed-Stuy, an angry old Irish broad in Bethesda who will move back to the home country for John McCain, and an actor from “Prison Break”! MORE »

A shocking new poll by the Associated Press proves that McCain supporters are “becoming more angry, bored, overwhelmed and helpless.” Only 13% of the bitters are “excited” about the campaign, while the rest just wish it was already over. Barack Obama supporters, however, are loving life, living large, and constantly getting laid. [AP-Yahoo]

Stocks may be up or down another 900 points right now, who knows — but they are very much down in general, like 35% down. And houses, they are worth nine dollars each, in KFC coupons, yet there are no takers. All the car manufacturers are shutting down, forever, and soon gasoline will be 45 cents a gallon again, and nobody will want some. Are Americans buying anything these days? Yes, they are buying millions of guns, for the coming race war. MORE »

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF … “Get enough meth or oxycontin in your system, load up the soon-to-be repossessed Ford Expedition with your buddies, and show these commies and blacks and elites and terrorist community gang organizers and Mexicans and gays and Muslims and Wall Streeters and harlots and Hollywood scum and Georgetown cocktail-sipping filth what you really think.” [AOL Political Machine]

The esteemed, venerable and important New York Times Sunday Magazine this week spends TEN WHOLE INTERNET PAGES speaking from the side of its jaw about this black feller, Obaramasama, and how none of the “real” whites like him really at all. See on the cover there, he’s talking to any white guy in a secret black cave with minimal lighting, and that white guy probably hates his filthy rotten guts. Or something? Oh bollocks, just make a glass of gin with scotch and read this million-word article by the reliable Matt Bai about a subject every magazine has written about fourteen thousand times already. Obama talks about Bittergate and some other stuff. [NYT Mag]

Joe Biden has one job this election: to get the Bitters in Pennsylvania to vote for a black Muslim. That is literally all he has to do. Maybe Ohio, too, but mostly Pennsylvania, because he was of course born there! In Scranton, the famous town where Happiness goes to die. On Friday, he went to Northeast Philadelphia — “The Scranton of Philadelphia” — to meet some old white folks and tell ‘em about Barry. He even kissed some old gal on the forehead, but she was disgusted, because there’s a huge stumbling block among these “white ethnics” Joe Biden is targeting: they really, really hate black people. MORE »

Here’s an official Buffalo Chip poster advertising that thing John McCain went to yesterday with the Bitters. His name is hidden somewhere on this poster. And look at Cindy there in her cunt outfit, just cold tamin’ the buffalo.

Meet this loser, “Cort Rinaldi.” Not only is he (allegedly) spray-painting dozens of City of Orlando cars with “anti-Obama statements,” but he has apparently been so obvious about his graffiti spree that police know his name, his age (43 and fine!) and even have his picture. But they don’t know where he sleeps? Anyway, watch out, Orlando! [My Fox 35]

Greasy shitsack Barack Obama has sold out yet again to the Corporates and Racists: “SI.com has learned that for the first time in history, a major presidential candidate may sponsor a race car in NASCAR’s premier series. According to sources, Barack Obama’s campaign is in talks to become the primary sponsor of BAM Racing’s No. 49 Sprint Cup car for the Pocono race on August 3. Details of the agreement are expected to be worked out over the coming days.” Oh ho ho, of course, a TELECOM IMMUNITY CUP CAR. Don’t spend all your blood money in one place, n00bama. [Sports Illustrated]