Wonkette

Here is old Hillary’s mailer about how Barack Obama will cling your guns, he’ll cling’em right into a federal ban! One problem: “The image of the gun pictured on the face of the mailing is reversed, making it a nonexistent left-handed model of the Mauser 66 rifle.” It is a German gun, and the Nazis were also German. [Ben Smith]

“Well, the Empire doesn’t consider a small one-man fighter to be any threat, or they’d have a tighter defense. An analysis of the plans provided by Joe Andrew has demonstrated a weakness in the battle station. But the approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two meters wide. It’s a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the station. Only a precise hit will set off a chain reaction. The shaft is ray-shielded, so you’ll have to use proton torpedoes.”

Oh hey, it’s Barack Obama, speaking, on the TeeVee, from Indiana, about the results in Pennsylvania. Let’s liveblog this bitch, shall we? MORE »

Well, that happened just like pretty much everybody said it would happen, and Hillary’s once-proud 20% lead is down to a more “manageable” 9%, at the moment, for Mr. Hopeful Obama. As our Jim Newell and Liz Glover roam Hillary’s headquarters looking for either “victory sex” or at least free drinks — or, at the very least, a functional wireless signal from the lady who wants to run the world — let’s keep track of the blather on cable news and the Internets. More importantly, let’s keep drinking and leaving weird comments. MORE »

Hello, Pittsburgh! Rock onward, Harrisburg! Philadelphia Freedom, shine on me! And we’re living here in Allentown! Triumph over suburban male problems, Brewer! Did you know this was All For Nought? That’s what famous clown Chris Matthews says! So who cares, right? Still competitive, still too close to call, but that can’t last all night, right? MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon

You may faithfully tune in daily to America’s favorite filthy-minded political blog, but I’m betting that you actually have very little idea about what’s going on in the so-called “news,” am I right? Sure, you could listen to the bloviation on broadcast TV or the high-pitched shrieking on cable, but that will kill your soul by degrees. Wouldn’t it be great if you could get a quick recap of the week’s important stories … in cartoon form? If you said “yes,” then today is your lucky day, my friend. MORE »

She’s mad about Obama’s fancy talking, she chugs beer in the tavern, she shoots critters with her pretend shotguns and aw shucks, she’s big around the bottom. Really big. MORE »

BITTER DESSERTS: Pennsylvania voters finally sick of Hillary’s bitter hustle, so they shout for her to shut up when she tries a fourth day of pretending all poor people are so happy to be poor and out of work because of her husband. [Washington Post's The Trail]

Hillary Clinton is the drunkest lady ever to run for president, because she is unhappy. But Barack Obama is also a lush and a cocaine user too! A couple weeks ago, Barry went to a bar and ordered a BEER — Pennsylvania’s Yuengling lager, specifically, which is utterly drinkable and cheap as the Dickens! This was during Barry’s working class bus tour, where he asked such funny working class questions as, “Is it expensive, though? … Wanna make sure it’s not some designer beer or something.” Designer beer, he says! This Commie is a real stitch. [YouTube]

Quiet ye unenlightened Cretans, for the man’s tortured quill is ablaze with righteous argumentation! We speak of New York Times “lightning rod conservative” columnist Bill Kristol, of course, the most inquisitive and trenchant commentator in Western Hemispherical History! For his Monday column he tackles whatever the big Saturday news happened to be (as per usual). In this case it’s Barack Obama’s inflammatory selection of the adjective “bitter.” As used in a sentence in liberal San Francisco! Most conservative commentators have been running with the nitwit’s interpretation: that Obama is an unforgivable liberal elitist elitist liberal elitist. Ballyhoo and tut tut! Kristol takes that extra leap that only a Harvardian of his ethno-brainian historical knowledgo-centrism can understand: Obama is a communist! MORE »

Now you probably heard about this over the weekend, Hillary drinking the alcohol, because it is obviously the story of the campaign. The one that will determine the presidency. For a little more background: Hillary was being very working class this weekend by drinking alcohol and then shooting guns, in that order. This is what the poor blue-collars do, when not eating Mexicans or, conversely, shooting Mexicans. Take these factors, add some Jesus speak, take the square root and divide it by the average U.S. gas price ($3.37), don’t forget to carry the zero, and it equals OBAMA’S ELITISM. More picture of Hillary getting shitfaced in bitter sugary Indiana below. MORE »

So much for Mark Penn’s Hillary Clinton’s brilliant “happy poverty” plan. Now Barack Obama’s going to stomp around for the next two weeks eloquently reminding poor Pennsylvania voters that they stay poor no matter if the Clintons or the Bushes are president. [YouTube] MORE »

Hillary Clinton, you see, has clung to her guns in Pennsylvania long before she was bitter. As she told a crowd of working class poor pathetic hobos today in Indiana: “You know, my dad took me out behind the cottage that my grandfather built on a little lake called Lake Winola outside of Scranton and taught be how to shoot when I was a little girl.” And this is how Hillary plans to go after Obama’s pledged delegates at the convention. Guns will make her powerful, and Bitter will keep us fat. [TPM Election Central]

SO BITTER: Can you believe that Barack Obama said poor, bitter voters in small towns are poor and bitter? Hillary and the Republicans will not tolerate this kind of talk. We don’t mention the working poor, remember? It makes rich people uncomfortable. [Political Machine]