Tag Archives: birthers

  So dumb it hurts our feelings

Shocking New Polls Show Republicans Are Still Morons

Yes America is that dumb
Republicans. Still. After all these years, is our Republicans learning? Nope. We’ve seen the president’s birth certificate, we’ve read endless PolitiFacting, and even the team of private investigators Donald Trump sent to Hawaii four years ago has yet to make any earth-shattering announcements about finding the definitive proof that Obama was not born there. And yet: Read more on Shocking New Polls Show Republicans Are Still Morons…
  Natural Born Idiots

Birthers Doubt Eligibility Of Anyone To Be U.S. President

You'd be surprised how many mollusks are in high office
It’s nice to know that the birthers won’t go away merely because Barack Hussein Obama is finally going to end his illegal eight-year occupation of the White House in January 2017. Now that they’ve studied up a whole lot on what they think is the incontrovertible law of the United States of America, they’ve decided that four of the guys riding the 2016 GOP clown car may also be ineligible to be president because they’re not really Natural Born Citizens. Read more on Birthers Doubt Eligibility Of Anyone To Be U.S. President…
  He Should Golf With A Teleprompter While He's There

Obama Trolling Donald Trump Again, Will Visit Kenya, Or Home Sweet Home

By now, we can't imagine anyone would make a big deal about it.
In a move that shouldn’t provoke any hysteria at all on the internet, the White House announced that President Obama will travel to Kenya in July for the “2015 Global Entrepreneurship Summit (GES),” which is a “global platform connecting emerging entrepreneurs with leaders from business, international organizations, and governments looking to support them.” Read more on Obama Trolling Donald Trump Again, Will Visit Kenya, Or Home Sweet Home…
  Vet The Cruz

Time To Inspect Ted Cruz’s Canadian ‘Birth Certificate,’ Obviously

But who is he REALLY?
Now that Ted Cruz has declared himself our next president, the 2016 election is pretty much wrapped up, right? He just has to get those laughably low approval numbers from his own party up to something above negativeteen, beat [insert name of a Democrat, any Democrat], and then Snowflake, the family puppy, “will finally get a back yard to pee in.” (Texas, it turns out, is a small state that doesn’t have a lot of space for back yards.) Read more on Time To Inspect Ted Cruz’s Canadian ‘Birth Certificate,’ Obviously…
  Slow clap

Rick Santorum Makes Wonkette To Laugh With Hilarious CPAC Joke!

Did NOT nail it actually
Rick Santorum made a HI-larious funny at CPAC on Friday afternoon, and it was so fresh and edgy and flawlessly delivered, he will definitely get to be president next time for sure. He was observing — because of how stand-up comics are always making observations, right? — that the president is SOOOO unpopular. How unpopular is he, Rick? Read more on Rick Santorum Makes Wonkette To Laugh With Hilarious CPAC Joke!…
  still makes more sense than maureen dowd

Million-Year-Old ‘Rocker’ Pat Boone Thinks Obama Will Set All The Murderers Free

Pat Boone — once a popular entertainer who appropriated black music and sanitized it for white consumption, now a WorldNetDaily columnist, and there’s a career arc — posted some thoughts over at Joseph Farah’s Internet Home for Mustachioed Paranoids earlier this week, and boy howdy, are they sublime. The tl;dr is that Obama’s gonna let all the prisoners out of the jails for socialism or something, but we’ll let ol’ Pat speak for himself: Read more on Million-Year-Old ‘Rocker’ Pat Boone Thinks Obama Will Set All The Murderers Free…
  We can't even count high enough

23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome

So you know how Fox News, America’s No. 1 News Source for Your Racist Uncle, got into that little dustup with Le Gay Paree over, you know, how France and England had created a bunch of Muslims-only Shariah paradises where good and decent Christian folk weren’t allowed, which, well, wasn’t compleeeeeeeetely accurate? Of course you do. Dok told you all about it, and we know that you read this mommyblog and recipe hub with the fervor of a teenage boy on Pornhub. And so you also know that the mayor of Paris is not entirely thrilled: Read more on 23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome…
  Taitz Necessarily So

Orly Taitz Pretty Sure George Clooney’s Hot Lawyer Wife Will Finally Prove Obama Isn’t President

If only I could find some loon with a really hopeless, arguably insane claim...
Excellent news! Birther Hivemind Queen Mother Orly Taitz got a gift subscription to People Magazine for Christmas! That’s the only thing we think could possibly explain this bizarre story from Bradlee Dean’s dumb website for dumb people: For some reason, the completely rational and very serious lawyer, dentist, real estate agent, and perennial fringe political candidate has gotten it into her head that she should try to recruit Amal Alamuddin Clooney, the hot human rights lawyer who married actor George Clooney last fall, into her very important campaign to prove that Barack Hussein Obama is a complete fraud with a stolen Social Security number, a fake Selective Service registration, and at least one Yahoo email account registered under the phony identity of “John Boehner’s Left Nut.” Read more on Orly Taitz Pretty Sure George Clooney’s Hot Lawyer Wife Will Finally Prove Obama Isn’t President…
  It’s like they think they’re black or something

Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black

always talking about race all the time
Ugh, the so-called “first family” is trying to start a race war — again! Like it’s not bad enough that President Obama is always injecting race into statements about how if he had a black son, his son would be black, which serves no purpose other than inciting White Man’s Fury on Fox News. Or how Michelle Obama has been injecting race into trying to keep our fat-ass kids from dropping dead from their strict diets of soda and cheesy poofs — by being black. Read more on Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black…
  paging donald trump

Wingnut Super-Lawyer Larry Klayman Wants Obama Deported Over Fake Birth Certificate

Larry Klayman sees you, usurper!
When last we heard from tousle-headed super-lawyer Larry Klayman, he was accepting a public censure from the Washington, D.C. Court of Appeals Board on Professional Responsibility. We were a little surprised that Litigious Larry wasn’t fighting harder, but he wanted to put the case behind him because he had “a lot of important things to do to also protect the American people.” Noble! And this week he unveiled the fruits of his unselfish labor in the form of a petition to deport from the United States one Barry Soetero. Or, as he’s known in popular culture, President Barack Hussein Obama. Read more on Wingnut Super-Lawyer Larry Klayman Wants Obama Deported Over Fake Birth Certificate…
  Birthers: The Next Generation

New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

Since this photo doesn't exist, maybe YOU DON'T EITHER! Whoa, we are all Philip K Dick today!
From the ugly world of Facebook, we received a recommendation to check out this story: “Evidence Emerges That Michelle Obama Never Birthed Malia And Sasha,” at something called “The U.S. Patriot,” whose “About” page assures us that they are “home to the best Conservative news on the internet.” Let’s see what this important story has to say! Read more on New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies…
  it's just crazy enough to be true

Edward Snowden Gives Putin Super-Duper-Secret Info On President Obama’s DNA, Says Not-At-All-Crazy Birther

We know everyone within the Wonkette universe has complicated feels about floor wax/dessert topping Edward Snowden, but a new story about the Libertarian Man of Mystery has totally blown our minds, and now we don’t know what to think. If this newest claim being made about the documents he stole from the NSA turns out to be true, Edward Snowden may just turn out to be the greatest American hero since Nick Mancuso was offering his Corvette Stingray for barter. Seriously, it’s that big. Did we mention how big it is? Because holy crap, it’s big. Here is the big scoop: as part of his deal to leave Hong Kong, Snowden promised to turn over to Vladimir Putin the secret US intelligence file on President Obama’s DNA that proves Stanley Dunham was not Obama’s biological mother. We told you people! Read more on Edward Snowden Gives Putin Super-Duper-Secret Info On President Obama’s DNA, Says Not-At-All-Crazy Birther…
  this must be the new world

Exene Cervenka Is Probably A 9/11 And Sandy Hook Truther Now And We Are Sad

Man, we love Exene Cervenka and X from way back. Like WAY back to “Johnny Hit And Run Paulene” back, so we are deeply sad and weirded out by the fact that Exene seems to have gone full-on conspiracy theorist on us when we weren’t looking. Say it ain’t so! Read more on Exene Cervenka Is Probably A 9/11 And Sandy Hook Truther Now And We Are Sad…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of Tawdry Trifling Trivia

Welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we bring you a bunch of stories that didn’t quite merit their own posts but were too stupid to ignore altogether. As usual, we recommend you fortify yourself with whatever helps you get through reading it — alcohol, weed, or a +10 Potion of Protection From Idiocy. Our first story may not be the derpiest of the week, but it’s local to Yr Doktor Zoom, so deal. The Idaho Statesman reports that the Idaho Transportation Department has ordered Boise’s Woodland Empire Ale Craft to remove its sign, pictured above, because it looks too much like an official road sign. As far as we can tell, the sign has not caused any massive traffic delays, but the law’s the law, mang: “The main issue is one of Idaho Code,” department spokesman Reed Hollinshead said in an email. “Namely, you cannot imitate a highway sign or attempt to redirect the flow of traffic.” For their part, Woodland Empire owner Dusty Schmidt said that he and his partners in the microbrewery were just surprised that the state hadn’t taken action sooner against the sign, which has been up since January. He called the publicity over the sign and the order to remove it a success. The sign’s designer, Dave Cook, said in a news release, “All billboards distract drivers. Especially the good ones.” Discuss amongst yourselves: Advertising is just another form of trolling. Yr Dok Zoom drives by that place several times a week, but had somehow not noticed the sign. Guess it’s time to try the beer at least. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of Tawdry Trifling Trivia…
  the golden dream by the sea

More Wonket Dreams Come True: Birther Diva Orly Taitz Running for California Attorney General (Updated!)

Now with Important Update! Drudge Sirens! See End of Post! We thought that nothing could make us happier than the news that Victoria Jackson was running for local office in Tennessee. But now we see that Birth Certificate Goddess Orly Taitz, DDSquire, has filed to run for Attorney General of California. We don’t know what we did to deserve this bounty, but we thank the Great Cosmic Whatever and hope that our luck holds. Her press release is modest enough, and of course asks for money, because once she wins the primary, she still has to face incumbent A.G. Kamala Harris, $3 million in her war chest. On the other hand, Orly has the TRUTH about Barack Hussein Obama’s birth certificate and his forty-eleven Social Security numbers, so it’s probably a toss-up at this point. But please be generous, because Orly just spent $10,000 in fees to get on the ballot. Read more on More Wonket Dreams Come True: Birther Diva Orly Taitz Running for California Attorney General (Updated!)…
  Trust No One

Joe Arpaio’s Birther Investigation So Secret Not Even Joe Arpaio Knows What’s Going On

Some very exciting news for the birther conspiracy community seemed to erupt Monday afternoon, only to be snatched away immediately. For a few short hours, it appeared that Birther Hero Sheriff Joe Arpaio had confirmed that he’d assigned two full-time detectives to some aspect of the investigation of Barry Hussein Soetoro Bopshabop Peggy Fleming’s birth certificate, a claim that first surfaced last Friday in a radio interview with Lt. Mike Zullo, the head of the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office Birth Certificate Task Force. (What, your county sheriff doesn’t have an Obama Birth Certificate Task Force? Tough for you.) But then a few hours later, the MCSO issued a clarification saying, nah, mang, there aren’t any detectives doing that. Now the only question remaining is: Who did the Obamabots get to? Read more on Joe Arpaio’s Birther Investigation So Secret Not Even Joe Arpaio Knows What’s Going On…