Tag Archives: birthers

  He Should Golf With A Teleprompter While He's There

Obama Trolling Donald Trump Again, Will Visit Kenya, Or Home Sweet Home

By now, we can't imagine anyone would make a big deal about it.
In a move that shouldn’t provoke any hysteria at all on the internet, the White House announced that President Obama will travel to Kenya in July for the “2015 Global Entrepreneurship Summit (GES),” which is a “global platform connecting emerging entrepreneurs with leaders from business, international organizations, and governments looking to support them.” Read more on Obama Trolling Donald Trump Again, Will Visit Kenya, Or Home Sweet Home…
  Vet The Cruz

Time To Inspect Ted Cruz’s Canadian ‘Birth Certificate,’ Obviously

But who is he REALLY?
Now that Ted Cruz has declared himself our next president, the 2016 election is pretty much wrapped up, right? He just has to get those laughably low approval numbers from his own party up to something above negativeteen, beat [insert name of a Democrat, any Democrat], and then Snowflake, the family puppy, “will finally get a back yard to pee in.” (Texas, it turns out, is a small state that doesn’t have a lot of space for back yards.) Read more on Time To Inspect Ted Cruz’s Canadian ‘Birth Certificate,’ Obviously…
  Slow clap

Rick Santorum Makes Wonkette To Laugh With Hilarious CPAC Joke!

Did NOT nail it actually
Rick Santorum made a HI-larious funny at CPAC on Friday afternoon, and it was so fresh and edgy and flawlessly delivered, he will definitely get to be president next time for sure. He was observing — because of how stand-up comics are always making observations, right? — that the president is SOOOO unpopular. How unpopular is he, Rick? Read more on Rick Santorum Makes Wonkette To Laugh With Hilarious CPAC Joke!…
  still makes more sense than maureen dowd

Million-Year-Old ‘Rocker’ Pat Boone Thinks Obama Will Set All The Murderers Free

Pat Boone — once a popular entertainer who appropriated black music and sanitized it for white consumption, now a WorldNetDaily columnist, and there’s a career arc — posted some thoughts over at Joseph Farah’s Internet Home for Mustachioed Paranoids earlier this week, and boy howdy, are they sublime. The tl;dr is that Obama’s gonna let all the prisoners out of the jails for socialism or something, but we’ll let ol’ Pat speak for himself: Read more on Million-Year-Old ‘Rocker’ Pat Boone Thinks Obama Will Set All The Murderers Free…
  We can't even count high enough

23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome

So you know how Fox News, America’s No. 1 News Source for Your Racist Uncle, got into that little dustup with Le Gay Paree over, you know, how France and England had created a bunch of Muslims-only Shariah paradises where good and decent Christian folk weren’t allowed, which, well, wasn’t compleeeeeeeetely accurate? Of course you do. Dok told you all about it, and we know that you read this mommyblog and recipe hub with the fervor of a teenage boy on Pornhub. And so you also know that the mayor of Paris is not entirely thrilled: Read more on 23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome…
  Taitz Necessarily So

Orly Taitz Pretty Sure George Clooney’s Hot Lawyer Wife Will Finally Prove Obama Isn’t President

If only I could find some loon with a really hopeless, arguably insane claim...
Excellent news! Birther Hivemind Queen Mother Orly Taitz got a gift subscription to People Magazine for Christmas! That’s the only thing we think could possibly explain this bizarre story from Bradlee Dean’s dumb website for dumb people: For some reason, the completely rational and very serious lawyer, dentist, real estate agent, and perennial fringe political candidate has gotten it into her head that she should try to recruit Amal Alamuddin Clooney, the hot human rights lawyer who married actor George Clooney last fall, into her very important campaign to prove that Barack Hussein Obama is a complete fraud with a stolen Social Security number, a fake Selective Service registration, and at least one Yahoo email account registered under the phony identity of “John Boehner’s Left Nut.” Read more on Orly Taitz Pretty Sure George Clooney’s Hot Lawyer Wife Will Finally Prove Obama Isn’t President…
  It’s like they think they’re black or something

Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black

always talking about race all the time
Ugh, the so-called “first family” is trying to start a race war — again! Like it’s not bad enough that President Obama is always injecting race into statements about how if he had a black son, his son would be black, which serves no purpose other than inciting White Man’s Fury on Fox News. Or how Michelle Obama has been injecting race into trying to keep our fat-ass kids from dropping dead from their strict diets of soda and cheesy poofs — by being black. Read more on Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black…
  paging donald trump

Wingnut Super-Lawyer Larry Klayman Wants Obama Deported Over Fake Birth Certificate

Larry Klayman sees you, usurper!
When last we heard from tousle-headed super-lawyer Larry Klayman, he was accepting a public censure from the Washington, D.C. Court of Appeals Board on Professional Responsibility. We were a little surprised that Litigious Larry wasn’t fighting harder, but he wanted to put the case behind him because he had “a lot of important things to do to also protect the American people.” Noble! And this week he unveiled the fruits of his unselfish labor in the form of a petition to deport from the United States one Barry Soetero. Or, as he’s known in popular culture, President Barack Hussein Obama. Read more on Wingnut Super-Lawyer Larry Klayman Wants Obama Deported Over Fake Birth Certificate…
  Birthers: The Next Generation

New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

Since this photo doesn't exist, maybe YOU DON'T EITHER! Whoa, we are all Philip K Dick today!
From the ugly world of Facebook, we received a recommendation to check out this story: “Evidence Emerges That Michelle Obama Never Birthed Malia And Sasha,” at something called “The U.S. Patriot,” whose “About” page assures us that they are “home to the best Conservative news on the internet.” Let’s see what this important story has to say! Read more on New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies…
  it's just crazy enough to be true

Edward Snowden Gives Putin Super-Duper-Secret Info On President Obama’s DNA, Says Not-At-All-Crazy Birther

We know everyone within the Wonkette universe has complicated feels about floor wax/dessert topping Edward Snowden, but a new story about the Libertarian Man of Mystery has totally blown our minds, and now we don’t know what to think. If this newest claim being made about the documents he stole from the NSA turns out to be true, Edward Snowden may just turn out to be the greatest American hero since Nick Mancuso was offering his Corvette Stingray for barter. Seriously, it’s that big. Did we mention how big it is? Because holy crap, it’s big. Here is the big scoop: as part of his deal to leave Hong Kong, Snowden promised to turn over to Vladimir Putin the secret US intelligence file on President Obama’s DNA that proves Stanley Dunham was not Obama’s biological mother. We told you people! Read more on Edward Snowden Gives Putin Super-Duper-Secret Info On President Obama’s DNA, Says Not-At-All-Crazy Birther…
  this must be the new world

Exene Cervenka Is Probably A 9/11 And Sandy Hook Truther Now And We Are Sad

Man, we love Exene Cervenka and X from way back. Like WAY back to “Johnny Hit And Run Paulene” back, so we are deeply sad and weirded out by the fact that Exene seems to have gone full-on conspiracy theorist on us when we weren’t looking. Say it ain’t so! Read more on Exene Cervenka Is Probably A 9/11 And Sandy Hook Truther Now And We Are Sad…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of Tawdry Trifling Trivia

Welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we bring you a bunch of stories that didn’t quite merit their own posts but were too stupid to ignore altogether. As usual, we recommend you fortify yourself with whatever helps you get through reading it — alcohol, weed, or a +10 Potion of Protection From Idiocy. Our first story may not be the derpiest of the week, but it’s local to Yr Doktor Zoom, so deal. The Idaho Statesman reports that the Idaho Transportation Department has ordered Boise’s Woodland Empire Ale Craft to remove its sign, pictured above, because it looks too much like an official road sign. As far as we can tell, the sign has not caused any massive traffic delays, but the law’s the law, mang: “The main issue is one of Idaho Code,” department spokesman Reed Hollinshead said in an email. “Namely, you cannot imitate a highway sign or attempt to redirect the flow of traffic.” For their part, Woodland Empire owner Dusty Schmidt said that he and his partners in the microbrewery were just surprised that the state hadn’t taken action sooner against the sign, which has been up since January. He called the publicity over the sign and the order to remove it a success. The sign’s designer, Dave Cook, said in a news release, “All billboards distract drivers. Especially the good ones.” Discuss amongst yourselves: Advertising is just another form of trolling. Yr Dok Zoom drives by that place several times a week, but had somehow not noticed the sign. Guess it’s time to try the beer at least. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of Tawdry Trifling Trivia…
  the golden dream by the sea

More Wonket Dreams Come True: Birther Diva Orly Taitz Running for California Attorney General (Updated!)

Now with Important Update! Drudge Sirens! See End of Post! We thought that nothing could make us happier than the news that Victoria Jackson was running for local office in Tennessee. But now we see that Birth Certificate Goddess Orly Taitz, DDSquire, has filed to run for Attorney General of California. We don’t know what we did to deserve this bounty, but we thank the Great Cosmic Whatever and hope that our luck holds. Her press release is modest enough, and of course asks for money, because once she wins the primary, she still has to face incumbent A.G. Kamala Harris, $3 million in her war chest. On the other hand, Orly has the TRUTH about Barack Hussein Obama’s birth certificate and his forty-eleven Social Security numbers, so it’s probably a toss-up at this point. But please be generous, because Orly just spent $10,000 in fees to get on the ballot. Read more on More Wonket Dreams Come True: Birther Diva Orly Taitz Running for California Attorney General (Updated!)…
  Trust No One

Joe Arpaio’s Birther Investigation So Secret Not Even Joe Arpaio Knows What’s Going On

Some very exciting news for the birther conspiracy community seemed to erupt Monday afternoon, only to be snatched away immediately. For a few short hours, it appeared that Birther Hero Sheriff Joe Arpaio had confirmed that he’d assigned two full-time detectives to some aspect of the investigation of Barry Hussein Soetoro Bopshabop Peggy Fleming’s birth certificate, a claim that first surfaced last Friday in a radio interview with Lt. Mike Zullo, the head of the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office Birth Certificate Task Force. (What, your county sheriff doesn’t have an Obama Birth Certificate Task Force? Tough for you.) But then a few hours later, the MCSO issued a clarification saying, nah, mang, there aren’t any detectives doing that. Now the only question remaining is: Who did the Obamabots get to? Read more on Joe Arpaio’s Birther Investigation So Secret Not Even Joe Arpaio Knows What’s Going On…
  murder most incoherent

Dumbest Birther Claim Yet? Hawaii Health Director Couldn’t Fit In Own Casket, Says Birther, Proving…????

Yr Wonkette would just like to call on the conspiracy theorists of the world, especially the Birthers, to work a little bit on their communication skills. Case in point: this blog thing claiming that something is definitely wrong with a purported photograph of the open casket of Loretta Fuddy, the Hawaii state health director who verified Barack Obama’s birth certificate in 2011, and who died following a plane crash off the island of Molokai in December — Fuddy and the other people on the plane made it out and inflated their life vests, but she died of heart arrhythmia while waiting to be rescued. Obviously, since nothing in wingnutland ever just happens, she was probably murdered by the Obama administration. And now we have this amazing claim by blogger “Butterdezillion,” who has determined that the body in Fuddy’s casket is not hers, or it is, but she’s got somebody else’s hands or something, because the casket isn’t big enough to hold Fuddy, as plainly shown by photo analysis, proving that…um… well, damned if we really know, because this particular birther is such a bad writer that they haven’t made even the slightest attempt to explain what they think this proves. Read more on Dumbest Birther Claim Yet? Hawaii Health Director Couldn’t Fit In Own Casket, Says Birther, Proving…????…
  the conspiracy goes all the way to the top

Birther Lawyer Philip Berg Forgot To Do Anything Other Than Sue Obama And Is Now Suspended

Remember way back on Monday when we lawsplained to you how inveterate fabulist Stephen Glass did not get to be a lawyer in California because of the ceaseless lying (and racisms!), and you guys were all like OH YEAH WHAT ABOUT BIRTHER QUEEN ORLY TAITZ, HMMM? SHE IS STILL A LAWYER, HENNNGGHH? We do not control the Supreme Court of California and cannot fix this problem for you, and Ms. Taitz sadly remains allowed to practice. However, the US Supremes did claim the scalp of another famous birther lawyer, Philip Berg, after Pennsylvania suspended him from practicing for two years. What was his crime? Loving hating Obama so much that he kind of forgot he had other things to work on. Read more on Birther Lawyer Philip Berg Forgot To Do Anything Other Than Sue Obama And Is Now Suspended…
  more bunk than bunker

WND’s Jerome Corsi Gives Up On Obama’s Birth Certificate, Now Mistrusts Hitler’s Death Certificate

Wingnut’s wingnut Dr. Jerome Corsi, Ph.D., has pretty much had it with this “Barack Obama Birth Certificate” nonsense. That is just SO 2008-2013. Now he’s onto a fresh new thing: Hitler. Oh sure, you may scoff — Hitler died nearly 70 years ago, after all! But “Hitler Escaped” stories are the little black dress of conspiracy theories — so basic, so simple, yet endlessly variable, and always timely. Let’s see how Dr. Jerome Corsi, Ph.D., fills out this sexy little number. Read more on WND’s Jerome Corsi Gives Up On Obama’s Birth Certificate, Now Mistrusts Hitler’s Death Certificate…
  take off from the great white north

As God Is His Witness, Ted Cruz Will Never Be Canadian Again

It certainly took bloody long enough, but Sen. Ted “100% Americanlike” Cruz (R-Poutine) is finally taking action to formally renounce his Canadian citizenship, which was conferred on him at birth by virtue of being born at the top of the CN Tower in beautiful downtown Calgary, in the province of Algeria. He confirmed in an interview with the Dallas Morning News this weekend that he has hired attorneys to help him with the process, which surprisingly involves more than simply saying “I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee” and throwing dog poop on a picture of the Queen. Who knew? So God willing and the creek don’t rise he will be Canadian-free by the end of 2014, and can then become President in 2016 just like his daddy and the Lord said he would. Read more on As God Is His Witness, Ted Cruz Will Never Be Canadian Again…
  through the looking glass...again

Obama Killing All Birth Certificate Cover-Up Related Witnesses In Desperate Attempt To Distract From Obamacare

What with all the other craziness that has gone on in Washington this fall, it only makes sense that Our Great Leader and Guiding Star of the Heavens Barack Obama would choose this moment to start quietly knocking off all the people involved in covering up the provenance of his obviously forged long-form birth certificate. Unless he is knocking off these people to distract from Obamacare, in which case, well played, El Jefe! Either way, INPEACH!! The murderous Thug-In-Chief apparently put the touch on one Loretta Fuddy, the state health director for Hawaii. Fuddy was the official who in April 2011 verified the authenticity of copies of President Obama’s birth certificate, which he then released to the public in a desperate attempt to derail the dogged investigations of super-sleuths like Orly Taitz and noted hairball Donald Trump. Fuddy was killed yesterday when the single-engine Cessna in which she was riding went down off the island of Molokai due to what the pilot described as “catastrophic engine failure.” Which is exactly what Obama would want us to think! Read more on Obama Killing All Birth Certificate Cover-Up Related Witnesses In Desperate Attempt To Distract From Obamacare…
  schism in the wingnutoverse

Ted Cruz Birther Too Stupid Even For Erick Erickson’s RedState

Ted Cruz birther David Farrar has a sad, guys. He’s been kicked off wingnut website Redstate.com, presumably because Erick Erickson is a fascist who can’t stand to have the ugly truth about Ted Cruz exposed: Ted Cruz was born at center ice of a hockey rink in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, while his mother ate poutine and his father sang “Babalu.” But will Erick the Red Sympathizer allow the Constitutional ramifications of these indisputable facts to be discussed? No, he will not. This is tyranny, ladies and gentlemen, nothing short of tyranny. Or it’s editorial judgment. We’re always mixing those up. Read more on Ted Cruz Birther Too Stupid Even For Erick Erickson’s RedState…
  you're talking a lot but you're not saying anything

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Our Aggression Against Golf Will Not Stand, Man

Time for another trip to the ol’ comment queue! Today, we begin with a reader who has had just about enough of Yr. Wonkette’s socialist notion that a million dollars after taxes is adequate compensation for a week’s work of hitting a ball with a stick. Our unfair attack on Phil Mickelson drew this comment from reader “dirtydimples” (haha, we get that — it is a golf joke!): This site is filled with some mean socialists, full of envy, I guess. Phil Mickelson give more to charity in one year than you clowns can gather in a lifetime, collectively, so put a sock in it, you pathetic losers. Get a job! That is awfully nice of Mr. Mickelson! We bet he gets a handsome tax deduction for those donations, too! We would also point out that taxation and charity are two completely different things, and that Phil Mickelson should find another brand of golf ball than the Entitleist that he’s been playing. (See, even commies can make the golf jokes!) Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Our Aggression Against Golf Will Not Stand, Man…
  Hoser of the Year

Why I, United States Senator Ted Cruz, Don’t Want to Be Canadian Anymore

“Senator Ted Cruz, who recently discovered that he is likely a Canadian, must win security clearance from Canada’s spy agency, fill in a four-page form and then wait up to eight months to sever his ties to America’s northern neighbor…. “A person giving up citizenship must be Canadian, prove they are or will become a citizen of another country, not live in Canada and not be a security threat. They must also explain in writing why they don’t want to be a Canadian any more.” –Reuters, 8/20/2013 Dear Prime Minister Stephen Harper: I hereby renounce my citizenship in the nation of Canada. While I do not recognize the authority of Canada’s government, I understand you require me to explain my reasons for wanting to sever ties to your so-called country. Frankly, it is Canadians who ought to explain why they want to continue being citizens. But I will humor you, if only for your own edification. Read more on Why I, United States Senator Ted Cruz, Don’t Want to Be Canadian Anymore…