America’s favorite frienemy Decepticon, Vladimir Putin, was given this wild monster, a “tigress cub,” for his 56th birthday. He “was shown stroking the two- month-old tigress at a meeting with Russian journalists at his residence outside Moscow.” Rowr…?? The gift-givers thought it would be hilarious — a great party joke! — given Putin’s tendency to shoot tigers. Russian irony! Very dark! [Bloomberg]

What the hell, it’s Barack Obama’s BIRFDAY today? He’s turning 25 years old and will celebrate by renting his first car. Above is his Wonkette Birthday Blingee Present. Don’t spend it all in one place etc. Oh, and by the way, our annoying gift is more considerate than the senior campaign staff’s gift, which is nothing, because they left it in a taxicab last night. [ABC News]

Even though he was just a famous celebrity who never did anything but smoke dope and try to kill Sarah Conner, Arnold Schwarzenegger overcame his popularity and racial background to become California’s favorite governor! Let’s celebrate his life and art, today, on his birthday. MORE »

Well, this is the topper. Barack Obama cannot be the American president because he refuses to participate in our glorious national tradition of giving our children lots of expensive plastic shit for them to choke on all the time. These communist Obamas throw birthday parties for their tots but do not give them actual presents. What other subversive values are the Obamas teaching their children? MORE »

An email has been circulating from the RNC asking you to celebrate President George W. Bush’s 62nd birthday, which is happening very soon. You can send him an e-Card with your personal greetings and pictures of your genitals, and maybe he’ll respond this time and finally leave his wife, like he promised you in 1989! THIS YEAR IT WILL HAPPEN, RIGHT? Of course, you are required to donate to the RNC to send your card. A small price to pay! [GOP.com via Washington Whispers]

AND HE’S STILL DEAD, HOORAY Sam Rayburn, beloved Speaker of the House, had a fun 126th birthday party last night in Bonham, Texas. Sam Rayburn died in 1961. [KXII 12]

What has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that’s a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! This past week was really fun in Condiland! Like her illustrious mentor, G. H. W. Bush, she inspired a new foreign language insult! It was her birthday! Something about laser helmets! And at the end of the week? OMG, new hairdo. Did you hear me? NEW HAIRDO.

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On this day in 1935, during the Great Depression, Doctor Ron Paul was born somewhere, in Pennsylvania. Ever since, his online fans have been readying for the 2008 race and the inevitable 2009 inauguration of our 44th president, President Dr. Ron Paul. MORE »

Hey guys, Barry Obama’s birthday is tomorrow — and what better way to say you care than to leave him a semi-literate MySpace message? Animated gifs from scantily clad, barely-legal ladies and shirtless dudes with names like “Professor Pickle” (”Happy Birthday….the next one will be celebrated in the Oval Office. I can’t wait.” — his Revolutionary War-era Time Machine has allowed him to witness Barry’s August ‘08 coup!) or ♥lovely.lisa. (”Mr. Obama, You are very fake. and it is a shame and a disgrace how my foolish generation allows you liberals to brainwash them”) or “Sexy Vic” (”HEY BARAK / MR. PRESIDENT HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HOPE TO SEE YOU SPEND THE NEXT 8 IN THE WHITE HOUSE.”). Everyone on MySpace is pretty sure “Barak” is already President and also none of them have any fucking clue when the election is.

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Beloved international celebrity Monica Lewinsky turns 34 today. The former White House intern-turned-handbag designer stole America’s heart in 1998, when her love affair with President Clinton charmed the nation and taught us all that even in the cold domain of politics, there’s still room for good old-fashioned love. MORE »

Oh wait, wrong president.

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