Tag Archives: birthdays

  Bend over so Phyllis Schlafly can give you your 85 birthday spankings

Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!

Pat Robertson had a birthday on Sunday, and there was a party! It was a very nice party, and just like all balls-out birthday benders do, it had a keynote speaker named Dr. Ben Carson. (Yes, THAT Dr. Ben Carson.) The doctor said many nice words about America’s Jesus Grandpa, like how he is so positive about everything, as opposed to the negative people (GAYS). Also making an appearance in this here commemorative video is the booby-draper himself, former Secretary of State John Ashcroft. Luckily, he didn’t have to drape any boobies at Robertson’s party, they came pre-draped! Ashcroft said, and we quote, that he doesn’t want Pat Robertson to stop using his voice, because “America needs it, and I needs it.” Read more on Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!…
  Obama's filling your grandma's doughnut hole right nice

Obamacare Death Panels Oklahoma Old People, By Giving Them So Much Money

Now Grandma gets to go to the Horseshoe, THANKS OBAMA.
U.S. Americans have been lately wondering why their Oklahoma Grandma has been sending them TWO crisp twenties for their birthdays these past few years. Is she sick? Has she reached the point where she can’t count moneys anymore? GOOD NEWS, it is not that, your Okie Mee-Maw is just fine! It turns out that, due to the Affordable Care Act, more popularly known as “Obamacare,” Grandma Rose has a bit more cash to throw around, stemming from Obamacare’s efforts to close the so-called “doughnut hole” in Medicare Part D, a dumb coverage gap that causes seniors to spend many extra dollars per year on prescriptions that they actually need. So far, though, since Black President death paneled all the Olds in 2010, Oklahoma grandmas (and grandpas, and grandsgenders, and also disabled people covered by Medicare who are not “grand” age) have saved $191 million on their prescription drugs, hurray! You know who is going to the race track this weekend? Yes, it is Grandma Rose and her 65,158 best friends: Read more on Obamacare Death Panels Oklahoma Old People, By Giving Them So Much Money…
  let us now brag on awesome kids

Sometimes Your 17-Year-Old Suggests The Best Gift Idea Ever

My son, Kid Zoom, turned 17 yesterday. I’d had no idea what to get him for his birthday, so last weekend I asked him what he’d like. His answer kind of blew me away, because what 17-year-old would ever say, “How about you give me a stack of books that you think it’s absolutely essential for me to read”? Read more on Sometimes Your 17-Year-Old Suggests The Best Gift Idea Ever…
  my brain hurts a lot

The Tea Party Is Five Years Old Today, And Finally Acting Its Age

Five years ago today, Rick Santelli went on your teevee and said “We’re thinking of having a tea party” to protest (ostensibly) the Homeowners Affordability and Stability Plan, which was something that helped people keep their houses, even if these dumb homeowners were personally irresponsible and got fired because the economy shed however many million jobs in 2008-9, the nerve of some people, being affected by massive economic shocks! Said Santelli: Why don’t you put up a website to have people vote on the Internet as a referendum to see if we really want to subsidize the losers’ mortgages, or would we like to at least buy cars and buy houses in foreclosure and give them to people that might have a chance to actually prosper down the road and reward people that could carry the water instead of drink the water.” We would never insinuate that Rick Santelli was trying to move policy away from trying to stop foreclosures, in order to help his friends in the big investment banks get into the business of buying cheap rental houses and securitizing the rent payments, just as they’ve been doing for some time now, but we just did. Whoops! Read more on The Tea Party Is Five Years Old Today, And Finally Acting Its Age…
  flotus files

Here Is Just A Video Of Michelle Obama Dancing, For Fun And Nice-Time!

Watch this video! It is our First Lady Michelle Obama and what appears to be the mom who was way too involved at your middle school/Jimmy Fallon, doing a silly dance! It is the combined birthday wish of both your Editrix Rebecca and FLOTUS Correspondent Blair that you watch this video and do not think too much about it or go looking for trouble with any idiot commenters on the YouTubez. Promise? Read more on Here Is Just A Video Of Michelle Obama Dancing, For Fun And Nice-Time!…
  america's mom

Donald Trump Gave Ann Romney A Pretty Horsey Cake

Hey, what’s tackier than constructing a nauseating black-and-gold skyscraper in New York City dedicated to your weenie? Nothing. But check out this children’s cake that sparkly bronze television choad Donald Trump and his wife, Mrs. Wife, gave Ann Romney at the birthday party they threw for her last night. That’s Ann, the Republican nominee for president this year, just cold trottin’ her horse around some stumps. Does Ann Romney have other interests, besides horses and being a Great Mom? Because if she does, no one cares. Read more on Donald Trump Gave Ann Romney A Pretty Horsey Cake…
  warblogging

Game Faces, People: It’s Time To Send Mitt Romney Birthday Messages

After a weekend spend conducting thorough state-of-the-art forensic tests at a Defense Dept. tech lab deep under the Catoctin mountains — it’s so cool that we’re not even allowed to tell anyone it exists! — your Wonkette has confirmed that this is not an feverish projection of our desires, but an actual email that arrived in our inbox: Write a message to Mitt and help me wish him a happy birthday: http://www.mittromney.com/forms/happy-birthday-mitt Thanks so much! Ann Romney You’re welcome! *Cracks knuckles* Read more on Game Faces, People: It’s Time To Send Mitt Romney Birthday Messages…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Takes Millionth Vacation For Fake Holiday

Here we are again, trying to keep the rats from eating the last of our Ramen noodles while our FLOTUS wines and dines (in reasonable portions, of course) across the country. This past weekend, Michelle Obama took the First Niñas on a ski adventure in Aspen, Colorado, providing the American people with a sixteenth(!!!!) occasion to explode with rage. But this wasn’t actually our FLOTUS’ most scandalous action over the weekend. Over at CNN, there is somebody with a grievance against the First Lady, and surprisingly, it is not because of her fancy vacations. It is because of the way she is taking those fancy vacations, on holidays that do not exist. Read more on Michelle Obama Takes Millionth Vacation For Fake Holiday…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Celebrates Fitness Campaign Success With ‘Obesity Tour’

Were you aware that we, as a nation, are currently celebrating the second anniversary of Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! campaign? Probably not, because McDonald’s did not advertise this on its napkins. Our FLOTUS, the arms and inspiration behind the campaign, knew it was time to celebrate, however, and so she embarked upon a cross-country birthday tour, hitting some of America’s most well-known and cherished obesity strongholds. Apparently this is also why she challenged Ellen DeGeneres to a push-up contest last week on teevee, although we thought it was just to stir up trouble, for fun. This past weekend, Michelle bravely took her health crusade to Texas and Disney World, because she just loves a challenge. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates Fitness Campaign Success With ‘Obesity Tour’…
  the evil dead

Happy 107th Birthday, Zombie Ayn Rand!

We were skimming the FoxNews.com website looking for some of those “free Medicare scooter” ads, but got distracted by the important news of terrible writer/awful person Ayn Rand’s 107th birthday. She doesn’t look a day over 106 … objectively. Objectively-ist. Anyway, we hope she’s enjoying being tortured for Eternity in Hell, for not believing in Jesus and denying His one command for all humanity: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must Love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Anyway, how are Ayn Rand’s terrible followers celebrating the day a kind woman selflessly gave birth to a child and then cared for it, instead of feeding Baby Ayn to the cat? Read more on Happy 107th Birthday, Zombie Ayn Rand!…
  corporations are people with birthdays

Happy 40th Birthday To Justice Lewis F. Powell’s War On the American Left

Weeks before his nomination to the Supreme Court by Richard Nixon, corporate tobacco lawyer and right-wing business extremist Lewis F. Powell took a break from golf and his boardroom duties at 11 of America’s biggest corporations to write a manifesto against the then-vibrant American left. His detailed plan, delivered in the form of a memo he predictively titled “Attack of American Free Enterprise System,” was addressed to the corporate criminals at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and used as a blueprint for the whole twisted panoply of today’s fascist propaganda factory: The Heritage Foundation, the Manhattan Institute, the Cato Institute, Accuracy in Academe, Ronald Reagan’s presidency and Fox News can all be traced directly to the full-spectrum methods outlined in the Powell Memo. But because Lewis Powell wasn’t overtly racist and apparently had little interest in abortion and religious fundamentalists, he is remembered not as the father of the right’s repugnant corporate worship but as a “liberal moderate justice.” Let’s learn about what this Liberal Moderate planned for America, 40 years ago this week. Read more on Happy 40th Birthday To Justice Lewis F. Powell’s War On the American Left…
  happy birthday

On the Ground At Barack Obama’s Birthday/Ramadan Festival

President Obama is celebrating his birthday tonight, with Jennifer Hudson and those treadmill-dancing fellows. He is doing this in Chicago, so your Wonkette decided to give up a perfectly good Wednesday evening to try to go hear Rahm Emanuel yell some swears. This did not happen, and overall it was a very boring street gathering of Poors unable to pay their way inside. But we took pictures anyway, so there you go. Read more on On the Ground At Barack Obama’s Birthday/Ramadan Festival…
  our favorite president

Happy 70th Birthday, Bob Dylan!

Guess who is 70 years old now? Hint: Probably not Mitt Romney, although who would even care? American troubadour Bob Dylan is 70. And throughout this May 24, anyone who visits any news site is going to encounter so many lame pun headlines based on whatever Dylan song the headline writer happens to know. We won’t do that at all. We’ll just put up a couple of after-midnight videos in the Wonkette tradition. Read more on Happy 70th Birthday, Bob Dylan!…
  happy birthday moonbat

Crazy Old Michele Bachmann Is Somehow Only 55 Years Old Today

Suburban Minnesota monster Michele Bachmann is celebrating her 55th birthday today, probably by playing “pin the gun on the Kenyan.” When the certifiably insane foster-baby farmer won her congressional district seat back in 2006 (the “Year of the Democrats,” haha), who knew that she was less a clownish anomaly than the actual future of the Republican party. Who knew that this proudly ignorant, lie-spouting duckface would soon come to represent the entirety of Republican thought? When she locked her flapping lips onto then-president George W. Bush’s face at the State of the Union address back in 2007, who knew that such freakish, embarrassing behavior would soon define the entire GOP and its willfully ignorant “angry white oaf” division, the Tea Party? Congratulations, Michele! You’ve made “stupid” go mainstream in Washington! Read more on Crazy Old Michele Bachmann Is Somehow Only 55 Years Old Today…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Turns 47 On National Day of Laziness/Community Service

Today is “Martin Luther King, Jr. Day,” which is a day to remember the life of a special black person — or “socialist Kenyan,” as they prefer to be called these days — who once copied Glenn Beck by giving a speech at the Lincoln Memorial. But more importantly, today is Michelle Obama’s birthday! Our FLOTUS turns 47 today, and she is probably eating a whole-wheat cake filled with spinach right now, because thanks to all of Michelle’s hard work, soon that will be the only kind of cake available in America. Read more on Michelle Obama Turns 47 On National Day of Laziness/Community Service…
  older than 9/11

Happy Tenth Birthday, Andrew Sullivan’s Blog!

The Daily Dish turns ten today, and important people from all corners of the Internet are “toasting or roasting” Andrew Sullivan and his ancient web log. Here is a “toast” from gay humorist Dan Savage. Anyway, hooray! Read more on Happy Tenth Birthday, Andrew Sullivan’s Blog!…
  BICENTENARIO DE ¿WTF?

Mexico Turns 200 This Week!

Did you know that Mexicans won their “independence” 200 years ago, and their “democracy” 100 years ago? And they even have a “president,” Felipe Calderon, who lost the 2006 election by 1.5 million votes but still “won” it very narrowly. ¡Viva México Mágico! Anyway, Messicans are not very happy about their upcoming bicentennial celebrations — even the Mexican national newspaper, the New York Times, sounds crestfallen today: “the national mood has sunk into its deepest funk in years.” Yeah, like 200 years! And what do we do down South of the Border when we are in a “deep funk”? Revolutions! Revolts! And gringos don’t want these manual labor jobs these days, either, so once again the Mexicans are stuck with the dirty work. Read more on Mexico Turns 200 This Week!…
  hucksters

Cindy McCain Wants You To Sign John McCain’s Last Birfday Card

“Today, I am writing to request your help. John’s birthday is on August 29th, and I very much want you and many of his other loyal friends and supporters to be part of the celebration.” YOU MEAN WE GET TO COME OVER AND LISTEN TO HIM COMPLAIN ABOUT STUFF, CINDY? Awesome! Yes, the great campaign e-mail tradition of the candidate’s spouse asking you to “sign” the ol’ birfday card has come up for the McCain camp. Except because it’s John McCain, it’s just depressing. Read more on Cindy McCain Wants You To Sign John McCain’s Last Birfday Card…
  titanic

People Actually Showed Up To Charlie Rangel’s Sad Birthday Party Fundraiser

Charlie Rangel’s birthday party was very inconvenient for state Democratic politicians. On the one hand, he is an utter disgrace slowly being brought down, at long last, by ethics charges. On the other hand, there were free “heaping plates of roast beef, goat cheese and onion rings.” But Charlie Rangel resorted to pitifully desperate measures to shame people into showing up, and most of them did! You never turn your back on somebody who provides you lots of money. So these lawmakers ended up coming, mostly, and the result was a lot of awkwardness and then a New York Times account of this awkwardness. And also photos to be used against them in the future in attack ads. Read more on People Actually Showed Up To Charlie Rangel’s Sad Birthday Party Fundraiser…
  girls' night

Obama Masticates With Oprah, Oprah’s Friend Gayle

President Obama did celebrate his birthday last night after all! In fact, he flew to Chicago, took a helicopter that landed on SOLDIER FIELD, and went to a restaurant with teevee lady Oprah Winfrey and her long-time companion-friend Gayle King. “Obama spent more than three hours inside,” probably receiving his orders from Oprah. Meanwhile, back in D.C., Robert Gibbs stared at the uneaten candlelight dinner he had prepared and at the empty chair across from him. Then he cried softly. Read more on Obama Masticates With Oprah, Oprah’s Friend Gayle…
  marilyn monroe turned into this shit

Everybody Mess With Obama! It’s His Birfday

Oh, America, your president turned 49 today! Birthdays are the most important part of our culture, and nothing is going on right now in politics, so of course Obama’s “big day” (ugh) is a big deal. CNN decided to mark the occasion by commissioning a cute poll that asked Americans how certain they are that Obama was born in the United States. Only 11% said he DEFINITELY wasn’t. Organizing for America has organized for America “parties,” which are basically just phone-banking events. But that pissed off some guy at Politico, because ONLY AUTHORITARIAN REGIMES CELEBRATE THEIR LEADER’S BIRTHDAYS. And also the RNC made up some “humorous” online birthday cards. Read more on Everybody Mess With Obama! It’s His Birfday…
  nah we'll just send him a tie from big lots

Help Obama Have a Happy Birthday (By Sending His Wife Money?)

Oh look, Michelle Obama sent us like seven emails, all with the same request: Let poor little rich boy Barack Obama finally have a happy birthday! How do you do this? Just click the link for a NO OBLIGATION chance to sign a pledge to charge your credit card more money so that Democrats can continue to piss away their Senate and House majorities, and Obama’s various middle managers can continue firing uppity black ladies from the Farming Office. What? Read more on Help Obama Have a Happy Birthday (By Sending His Wife Money?)…