Tag: birthdays

Cry All You Want, This Handsome Fella Will NOT Be Buying You Sluts Any Drinks!

Because he is a Man Going His Own Way, ok? Your Monday Cringefest!
Awww, he's even saying you're awesome on HIS birthday. WHAT A GUY!

Happy Birthday, Old Handsome Joe Biden! You Don’t Look A Day Over SEXXXY

Stop the newsreels, for it's time to sing a lustful, off-key rendition of the Marilyn Monroe birthday song, not to the president of the world, but to the VICE PRESIDENT of the world, Old Handsome Joe Biden! He turns...
Happy Bey-Day, Mike Huckabee's archnemesis!

Happy Birthday Beyoncé, Mike Huckabee Still Thinks You’re A Whore!

BREAKING NEWS, GUYS. On this day in (year redacted because TIMELESS, but also 1981), Beyoncé Knowles was bornded, and then she went on "Star Search," and then she did Destiny's Child, and then she broke off on her own and...

Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!

Pat Robertson had a birthday on Sunday, and there was a party! It was a very nice party, and just like all balls-out birthday benders do, it had a keynote speaker named Dr. Ben Carson. (Yes, THAT Dr. Ben...
Now Grandma gets to go to the Horseshoe, THANKS OBAMA.

Obamacare Death Panels Oklahoma Old People, By Giving Them So Much Money

U.S. Americans have been lately wondering why their Oklahoma Grandma has been sending them TWO crisp twenties for their birthdays these past few years. Is she sick? Has she reached the point where she can't count moneys anymore? GOOD...

Sometimes Your 17-Year-Old Suggests The Best Gift Idea Ever

My son, Kid Zoom, turned 17 yesterday. I'd had no idea what to get him for his birthday, so last weekend I asked him what he'd like. His answer kind of blew me away, because what 17-year-old would ever...

The Tea Party Is Five Years Old Today, And Finally Acting Its Age

Five years ago today, Rick Santelli went on your teevee and said "We're thinking of having a tea party" to protest (ostensibly) the Homeowners Affordability and Stability Plan, which was something that helped people keep their houses, even if...

Here Is Just A Video Of Michelle Obama Dancing, For Fun And Nice-Time!

Watch this video! It is our First Lady Michelle Obama and what appears to be the mom who was way too involved at your middle school/Jimmy Fallon, doing a silly dance! It is the combined birthday wish of both...

Donald Trump Gave Ann Romney A Pretty Horsey Cake

Hey, what's tackier than constructing a nauseating black-and-gold skyscraper in New York City dedicated to your weenie? Nothing. But check out this children's cake that sparkly bronze television choad Donald Trump and his wife, Mrs. Wife, gave Ann Romney...

Game Faces, People: It’s Time To Send Mitt Romney Birthday Messages

After a weekend spend conducting thorough state-of-the-art forensic tests at a Defense Dept. tech lab deep under the Catoctin mountains -- it's so cool that we're not even allowed to tell anyone it exists! -- your Wonkette has confirmed...

Michelle Obama Takes Millionth Vacation For Fake Holiday

Here we are again, trying to keep the rats from eating the last of our Ramen noodles while our FLOTUS wines and dines (in reasonable portions, of course) across the country. This past weekend, Michelle Obama took the First...

Michelle Obama Celebrates Fitness Campaign Success With ‘Obesity Tour’

Were you aware that we, as a nation, are currently celebrating the second anniversary of Michelle Obama's Let's Move! campaign? Probably not, because McDonald's did not advertise this on its napkins. Our FLOTUS, the arms and inspiration behind the...

Happy 107th Birthday, Zombie Ayn Rand!

We were skimming the FoxNews.com website looking for some of those "free Medicare scooter" ads, but got distracted by the important news of terrible writer/awful person Ayn Rand's 107th birthday. She doesn't look a day over 106 ... objectively....

Happy 40th Birthday To Justice Lewis F. Powell’s War On the American Left

Weeks before his nomination to the Supreme Court by Richard Nixon, corporate tobacco lawyer and right-wing business extremist Lewis F. Powell took a break from golf and his boardroom duties at 11 of America's biggest corporations to write a...

On the Ground At Barack Obama’s Birthday/Ramadan Festival

President Obama is celebrating his birthday tonight, with Jennifer Hudson and those treadmill-dancing fellows. He is doing this in Chicago, so your Wonkette decided to give up a perfectly good Wednesday evening to try to go hear Rahm Emanuel...

Happy 70th Birthday, Bob Dylan!

Guess who is 70 years old now? Hint: Probably not Mitt Romney, although who would even care? American troubadour Bob Dylan is 70. And throughout this May 24, anyone who visits any news site is going to encounter so...