Oh god oh god somebody tell the president! A family of filthy “birds” (that is common DC parlance for “tree rats”) has infiltrated the White House grounds. We must douse these animals in hand sanitizer, or boil them, or else just move them into a confined space with Joe Biden. [CNN]

America’s happiest moment in eight years was when that dude in a bear suit comically walked down the beach while that local-teevee reporter described some invisible pier, during Hurricane Ike. Poor old Ralph Nader wonders aloud, to his running mate, a bird named “Gonzalez,” if maybe he should wear a bear suit and fuck a panda at the National Zoo. Sure, why not. Nader also asks, sadly, why nobody wants to cover his campaign. The answer is simple: YOU RUINED EVERYTHING IN 2000, NADER. IT IS YOUR FAULT, ALL OF THIS. [Andrew Sullivan]

Some Obama freaks have trained their parrot to speak some of Barry’s popular catch phrases, including “Yes We Can” and, well, “Obama,” which is actually just his name. The brainwashed monster also says what sounds like “Oh My Cow,” so this household is obviously a local bestiality bath house. Also: this bird is Elitist. If John McCain were buying a goddamned bird, he’d go straight for the parakeet — the Working Man’s Bird. [YouTube]

* Rethinking the flip-flop: “The net result of this understandable and natural flip-flop preservation mechanism is to create an overall walk that is actually more of a waddle.” Still think you look sexy? [The DC Sidewalk Blog]
* We were all a little more innocent, not excluding cereal: “In addition to being about 7 years old, it’s also Raisin Bran from another era. Pre-9/11 Raisin Bran. It tasted like… a more innocent Raisin Bran.” [Dumb Things I Have Done Lately]
* High in the mid-90’s, 100% humidity — perfect timing for a Metro Disturbance: “The platform was full of hot, tired-looking people. Working people. People who just wanted to get home. To dinner. To anywhere other than a Metro platform.” [Candy Sandwich]
* “The detrimental effects of unlimited noise had never entered my mind, but apparently, it’s bad. Really bad.” [/Quest for Quiet]
* “Who takes birds for a walk? It doesn’t look like any parrot or cockatoo or some other fancy bird either. It just looks like a small regular bird. Maybe a love bird? Maybe a parakeet.” [Sarah and the Goon Squad]

As our president stood outside to again tell the press why he can’t quit Alberto Gonzales, shit fell from the sky right on his suit. MORE »

There is only one thing that makes our lovable “vice” president smile: killing animals. (Killing people just makes him smirk.) MORE »

You can laugh at California laws if you want to — except in Berkeley, where that’s illegal — but environmental legislation in the most-populated state in the union generally makes it to Washington in a decade or so. Meaning, say good-bye to your precious plastic grocery bags that probably fill about 35% of your kitchen cabinets today. MORE »

* Unlicensed funeral home at 1337 H Street. Massive clearance sale. [Frozen Tropics]
* Review of the dance adaptation of Edward Scissorhands at the Kennedy Center. [Washington Gardener]
* “I had a realization how incredibly self centered it is to write a blog about myself.” [DC, Baby]
* “There are parts of the city where you can’t walk a block without running into an annoying 20-something working for some progressive group, holding a clipboard…” [The DC Universe]
* The Great Backyard Bird Count starts this weekend. As if you have a backyard. [A DC Birding Blog]

From an email sent to DNC employees this morning: MORE »