“Faceless pundits talks around the issues, not about them…celebrity gossip passes as breaking news…and the liberal bias spewed by the mainstream media makes them like less like a public service and more like an extension of the White House Press Office.” Dates in Westbury, NY and Tampa are already sold out! People do not hesitates or you will has no choice but to listen to your faceless pundits talks around the issues. [Bold & Fresh Tour 2010]

Mexican deerhunting gang target and fat dunderhead Lou Dobbs went on Bill O’Reilly’s show last night to discuss, let’s see here, who gives a fuck. But skip ahead to :35 for a comical moment in which O’Reilly asks, dead seriously and out of nowhere, “Is Barack Obama the Devil?” Lou Dobbs doesn’t miss a beat and immediately begins his meandering answer, with utter Seriousness. This is a conversation between two theoretically self-aware adult humans! MORE »

Celebrated chief birther and dentist-lawyer Orly Taitz held a protest outside the Fox News building in New York City today, for publicity. Supposedly Bill O’Reilly called the birthers crazy, and this was very offensive to Orly Taitz. Approximately four people showed up for the protest! Here’s Orly talking to a nice fellow from Africa. CAPTION CONTEST. [Gawker]

Tee hee, god knows what the Fox News programming must be like tonight, the night after a funeral for murdered soldiers, but apparently Bill O’Reilly has to go so far as to play “devil’s advocate” to suggest that “we can’t kill all the Muslims” — as in, that’s more or less what his guest’s argument would be. His guest is probably more accurate in a sense, however, since official U.S. anti-terrorism policy is still basically “run around the Middle East for 10-20 years and try to kill all the Muslims.” [YouTube]

It’s official: Poo poo platter BILL O’REILLY wants to finger-bang the snot out of Minnesota Medusa MICHELE BACHMANN. Say no, Michele! You have a husband, a family — What would your son GRENDEL think? Baby Jesus himself would probably have a hernia. But Bill has a certain charm to him and he’s so soft and warm, like a shard. Temptation! … MORE »

O’Reilly’s figured it out! MORE »

It begins thusly: Bill O’Reilly announces that it is a good thing the public option is dead, because now the President can work on making sure the government will start to provide cost-effective, reliable health care for people who cannot afford private insurance. And then some gal from the Heritage Foundation is like, “Hmm, are you sure, Bill, that you want this? Because what you just described, it seems like something you don’t want.” It is at this point that O’Reilly realizes he has LITERALLY just said he loves communism. Ha ha, whatever though, because he 100% covers his tracks by assuring this sinister woman that he personally doesn’t want a bunch of socialists ordering him to retroactively abort the seniors in his family—Christ no—but he thinks that this might be good like for poor people. [Daily Kos]

Spike Lee is, according to Bill O’Reilly, a tiny tiny little man who set up O’Reilly with the porniest line ever — “You find any weapons of mass destruction in here?” — and instead of whipping out his massive loofah and saying “Yeah … IN MY PANTS,” O’Reilly just laughed. Lame. [YouTube]

“Want me to hug some Mexican kids and write inspirational shit about Obama’s childhood? You know my price.” [Mediaite]

The next time you hear somebody complaining about how news organizations have abandoned hard reporting for celebrity twins updates and mummy funerals and “will breathing air kill you, eventually?” alarmism, just point them to this fine bit of journalism by Bill O’Reilly. Instant rebuttal. [YouTube]

• There’s blood in the streets of Miami after notoriously not gay Father Alberto “Woman Kisser” Cutié called the Catholics “a bunch of lame-ass wankstas” and then defected to the Episcopal Church, which the Episcopalians used as a ripe opportunity to say massively disrespectful things about the Pope. Afraid of another Catholic drive-by, Cutié now wears a slug vest over his festive vestments. [American Spectator]
• Conservatives are very open-minded about grammar and they’ll read just about anything, even conservative blogs. [Hot Air]
• Exit polls show Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the Iran gubernatorial primary. Susan Boyle was runner-up, which really upset a lot of people. [Andrew Sullivan]
• There are seven types of stool, and Bill O’Reilly is a Type 4, “Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft.” But what about the shit that comes from Bill’s enormous turd-mouth? Probably a Type 7, “Entirely liquid.” [Think Progress]
• Liz Cheney spanked Rumsfeld until he cried like a little nancy after meekly suggesting we “cut and run,” which is why we picked the winning strategy and secured a perimeter around the Ministry of Oil and let the rest of Iraq go to hell. [HuffPost]