It’s official: Poo poo platter BILL O’REILLY wants to finger-bang the snot out of Minnesota Medusa MICHELE BACHMANN. Say no, Michele! You have a husband, a family — What would your son GRENDEL think? Baby Jesus himself would probably have a hernia. But Bill has a certain charm to him and he’s so soft and warm, like a shard. Temptation! … MORE »

O’Reilly’s figured it out! MORE »

It begins thusly: Bill O’Reilly announces that it is a good thing the public option is dead, because now the President can work on making sure the government will start to provide cost-effective, reliable health care for people who cannot afford private insurance. And then some gal from the Heritage Foundation is like, “Hmm, are you sure, Bill, that you want this? Because what you just described, it seems like something you don’t want.” It is at this point that O’Reilly realizes he has LITERALLY just said he loves communism. Ha ha, whatever though, because he 100% covers his tracks by assuring this sinister woman that he personally doesn’t want a bunch of socialists ordering him to retroactively abort the seniors in his family—Christ no—but he thinks that this might be good like for poor people. [Daily Kos]

Spike Lee is, according to Bill O’Reilly, a tiny tiny little man who set up O’Reilly with the porniest line ever — “You find any weapons of mass destruction in here?” — and instead of whipping out his massive loofah and saying “Yeah … IN MY PANTS,” O’Reilly just laughed. Lame. [YouTube]

“Want me to hug some Mexican kids and write inspirational shit about Obama’s childhood? You know my price.” [Mediaite]

The next time you hear somebody complaining about how news organizations have abandoned hard reporting for celebrity twins updates and mummy funerals and “will breathing air kill you, eventually?” alarmism, just point them to this fine bit of journalism by Bill O’Reilly. Instant rebuttal. [YouTube]

• There’s blood in the streets of Miami after notoriously not gay Father Alberto “Woman Kisser” Cutié called the Catholics “a bunch of lame-ass wankstas” and then defected to the Episcopal Church, which the Episcopalians used as a ripe opportunity to say massively disrespectful things about the Pope. Afraid of another Catholic drive-by, Cutié now wears a slug vest over his festive vestments. [American Spectator]
• Conservatives are very open-minded about grammar and they’ll read just about anything, even conservative blogs. [Hot Air]
• Exit polls show Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the Iran gubernatorial primary. Susan Boyle was runner-up, which really upset a lot of people. [Andrew Sullivan]
• There are seven types of stool, and Bill O’Reilly is a Type 4, “Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft.” But what about the shit that comes from Bill’s enormous turd-mouth? Probably a Type 7, “Entirely liquid.” [Think Progress]
• Liz Cheney spanked Rumsfeld until he cried like a little nancy after meekly suggesting we “cut and run,” which is why we picked the winning strategy and secured a perimeter around the Ministry of Oil and let the rest of Iraq go to hell. [HuffPost]

The Fox News channel today launched FoxNation.com, a yiff site. No silly it is the Huffington Post of the right! The sites even have the same design scheme, “Unreadable.” Expect Fox Nation to be… very very popular and successful. Really. And such an auspicious start today! Bill O’Reilly self-promo, a little 9/11 action, mmm that sounds good, WE’LL HAVE THAT. [FoxNation]

Sometimes people say mean things about political entertainment show host Bill O’Reilly, and he responds by dispatching clownish minions to stalk them for a while. Usually the targets are liberal opinion writers, like Cynthia Tucker of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution or The New Yorker’s Hendrik “Rik” Hertzberg. Oftentimes they call O’Reilly hypocritical and are attacked on the sidewalk or their driveway by the Fox goons, who DEMAND an apology without ever explaining what for. Well this weekend there was another ambush — but this time targeted at a simple blogger for the communist Think Progress website, while she was on vacation. MORE »

• THIS IS A FUNNY THING ABOUT BILL O’REILLY: This is great, with clips of Bill O’Reilly reading teenage sex scenes from the audiobook of his infamous 1998 novel, Those Who Trespass. In 2006 the New Yorker wrote about this book, which includes a TERRIFYING murder scene: “The assailant’s right hand, now holding the oval base of the spoon, rocketed upward, jamming the stainless stem through the roof of Ron Costello’s mouth. The soft tissue gave way quickly and the steel penetrated the correspondent’s brain stem. Ron Costello was clinically dead in four seconds.” Yup. [Village Voice]

• Proven untrustworthy Oath of Office-giver Joe Biden was sent to give the Oath of Office to Hillary Clinton. To no one on Earth’s surprise, he also sort of mocked this ceremony by giggling beforehand with reporters and the Clintons, again at the expense of Justice Roberts (the “Caroline Kennedy of Reading Properly.”) [Top of the Ticket]
• Oh Tom Daschle, you cad: Today is ironically the 96th birthday of when the government started collecting income tax! [RedState]
• Another Snow Day for DC school children. They will all spend the day writing letters to Barack Obama in the Washington Post, asking him to shake his Kenyan desert goddess statues for more precipitation. [Hit & Run]
• Obama’s stimulus bill contains secret preservatives that aim to fatten and hasten the ripening of America’s children. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi will wait patiently. [Politico]
• Bill O’Reilly has declared WAR on the New York Times after some editorial called his views on immigration those of “nativism.” But it was only after looking up the definition of “nativism” that he declared this war, for that was the final straw. [Crooks and Liars]