• There’s blood in the streets of Miami after notoriously not gay Father Alberto “Woman Kisser” Cutié called the Catholics “a bunch of lame-ass wankstas” and then defected to the Episcopal Church, which the Episcopalians used as a ripe opportunity to say massively disrespectful things about the Pope. Afraid of another Catholic drive-by, Cutié now wears a slug vest over his festive vestments. [American Spectator]
• Conservatives are very open-minded about grammar and they’ll read just about anything, even conservative blogs. [Hot Air]
• Exit polls show Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the Iran gubernatorial primary. Susan Boyle was runner-up, which really upset a lot of people. [Andrew Sullivan]
• There are seven types of stool, and Bill O’Reilly is a Type 4, “Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft.” But what about the shit that comes from Bill’s enormous turd-mouth? Probably a Type 7, “Entirely liquid.” [Think Progress]
• Liz Cheney spanked Rumsfeld until he cried like a little nancy after meekly suggesting we “cut and run,” which is why we picked the winning strategy and secured a perimeter around the Ministry of Oil and let the rest of Iraq go to hell. [HuffPost]

The Fox News channel today launched FoxNation.com, a yiff site. No silly it is the Huffington Post of the right! The sites even have the same design scheme, “Unreadable.” Expect Fox Nation to be… very very popular and successful. Really. And such an auspicious start today! Bill O’Reilly self-promo, a little 9/11 action, mmm that sounds good, WE’LL HAVE THAT. [FoxNation]

Sometimes people say mean things about political entertainment show host Bill O’Reilly, and he responds by dispatching clownish minions to stalk them for a while. Usually the targets are liberal opinion writers, like Cynthia Tucker of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution or The New Yorker’s Hendrik “Rik” Hertzberg. Oftentimes they call O’Reilly hypocritical and are attacked on the sidewalk or their driveway by the Fox goons, who DEMAND an apology without ever explaining what for. Well this weekend there was another ambush — but this time targeted at a simple blogger for the communist Think Progress website, while she was on vacation. MORE »

• THIS IS A FUNNY THING ABOUT BILL O’REILLY: This is great, with clips of Bill O’Reilly reading teenage sex scenes from the audiobook of his infamous 1998 novel, Those Who Trespass. In 2006 the New Yorker wrote about this book, which includes a TERRIFYING murder scene: “The assailant’s right hand, now holding the oval base of the spoon, rocketed upward, jamming the stainless stem through the roof of Ron Costello’s mouth. The soft tissue gave way quickly and the steel penetrated the correspondent’s brain stem. Ron Costello was clinically dead in four seconds.” Yup. [Village Voice]

• Proven untrustworthy Oath of Office-giver Joe Biden was sent to give the Oath of Office to Hillary Clinton. To no one on Earth’s surprise, he also sort of mocked this ceremony by giggling beforehand with reporters and the Clintons, again at the expense of Justice Roberts (the “Caroline Kennedy of Reading Properly.”) [Top of the Ticket]
• Oh Tom Daschle, you cad: Today is ironically the 96th birthday of when the government started collecting income tax! [RedState]
• Another Snow Day for DC school children. They will all spend the day writing letters to Barack Obama in the Washington Post, asking him to shake his Kenyan desert goddess statues for more precipitation. [Hit & Run]
• Obama’s stimulus bill contains secret preservatives that aim to fatten and hasten the ripening of America’s children. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi will wait patiently. [Politico]
• Bill O’Reilly has declared WAR on the New York Times after some editorial called his views on immigration those of “nativism.” But it was only after looking up the definition of “nativism” that he declared this war, for that was the final straw. [Crooks and Liars]

• Interior Secretary Ken Salazar is so busy, with his interior responsibilities, that after his own press conference, he pretended to pretend to be a reporter for a full 45 minutes of Robert Gibbs’ press briefing. [The Caucus]
• The ongoing O’Reilly/Alba feud in still ongoing. Its exciting denouement has already featured the two of them competing to see who can Wikipedia “World War II” the least incorrectly. [Matthew Yglesias]
• Histrionic starfucker Rod Blagojevich wants to speak at his impeachment trial, assuming the state senate allows him to do this and probably only if the proceedings will be televised, for Dignity. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Say goodbye to the carbon tax you thought you were maybe going to get, because you’re not. Happy “breathing”! [Daily Dish]
• Former Governor of Alaska Barack Obama has called out all of DC for being such gay little girls about the, what, one inch?, of snow. [Politico]

We have received a full 956 tips today about various clowns’ Twitter pages being hacked, including those of Barack Obama and Rick Sanchez, the King of Twitter. Someone thinks this official message from the Fox News about Bill “O Riley” indicates hacking, but what’s the excuse for “Turkey Taco Lettuce Wraps?” The more important question here is why anyone on this planet uses Twitter at all. (Except for Wonkette’s Twitter, which is just great.) [Towleroad]

HATS OFF to esteemed thing Parade for this sexy clip art collage of a mall Santa preparing to bone claymation Rudolph who is stepping on Bill O’Reilly as black people do their black African holiday whatevers in the background. The Jew Cookies see it all. This masterpiece, folks, accompanies “Bill O’Reilly’s Great American Holiday Quiz,” because suddenly you’re NOT ALLOWED to say “Merry Christmas” anymore, in America, because of the Prop 8 protesters. MORE »

Here’s what Newt Gingrich tells Bill O’Reilly in response to the latest Homosexual-Mormon War battles: “I think there is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us, is prepared to use violence, to use harassment. I think it is prepared to use the government if it can get control of it. I think that it is a very dangerous threat to anybody who believes in traditional religion.” Dude… they’re just Mormons. MORE »

One of the personalities everyone in America mocks on a daily basis, Bill O’Reilly, went on Jon Stewart’s political comedy program The Daily Show last night to promote his insanely titled new book, A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity. O’Reilly tries to appear affable for the hippie crowd, but for O’Reilly that means bullying his host with the words, “Listen, Stewart,” and saying all liberals are fags with no “traditional values.” Stewart insults O’Reilly constantly, too! Culture Wars! Part 1 is above, Part 2 after the jump. MORE »

Okay we lied, Bill isn’t shouting (and we mean SHOUTING) at Barney Frank for being gay — he’s shouting at Barney Frank for being gay with our money. [YouTube via Michael Calderone]