Tag Archives: bill of rights

  majestic waves of stupid

Muscle-Bound NRA Spokesdude: Gun Regulations Are Just Like Jim Crow Laws

Were you guys hoping that you could kickstart Hump Day with a beefysmack dude gunsplaining at you about how the Constitution works? SPOILER ALERT: It works because GUNS GUNS GUNS GUNS GUNNNNNSSSSSSSS. Let’s meet the improbably named Dom Raso, who hit upon what he clearly thought was a really cunning way to explain how important guns are: they’re a civil right, and any law against them is just like Jim Crow. Take THAT, libtards. Read more on Muscle-Bound NRA Spokesdude: Gun Regulations Are Just Like Jim Crow Laws…
  we hold this greed to be self-evident

Startup Tech Bros Will Break Their Chains And Fight For Stock Options, Just Like Rosa Parks

Were you wondering who the people facing the most difficulty in America are today? Is it the homeless or critically ill people with no healthcare? Haha of course not. It is tech bros who aren’t getting enough stock options, and the time has come for them to rise up and fight for what is theirs. Read more on Startup Tech Bros Will Break Their Chains And Fight For Stock Options, Just Like Rosa Parks…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium of Cads, Creeps, and Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, that weekly big ball of wadded-up idiocy from our inbox that was too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that didn’t quite merit a full-length Wonket post. Up first, a quick visit to that land of fiscal restraint, North Carolina, where Gov. Pat McCrory presided over a 2013 legislative session that raised taxes on the poor and cut them on the rich, resulting in a projected $2 billion cut in state revenues over the next five years. The revenue loss will require huge cuts for social programs and public schools — after all, what can go wrong when you slash school budgets, anyway? — but times are hard, and you gotta be careful not to waste the taxpayers’ money. Which is why it only makes sense that Gov. McCrory is going to spend $230,000 on “remodeling bathrooms in his private living quarters at North Carolina’s Executive Mansion.” Sound like they’ll be really nice once the work is done: Planned upgrades include new marble, tubs and fixtures for six bathrooms on the upper floors of the Victorian-era home in Raleigh. We aren’t sure we can be too angry about this, though, since the last time the bathrooms in the Governor’s Mansion were refurbished was in the 1970’s. Gov. McCrory shouldn’t have to deal with all those fixtures in Avocado and Harvest Gold. Besides, there’s probably some extra costs involved in making sure the bathrooms aren’t compliant with Sharia law. You can’t be too careful about these things. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium of Cads, Creeps, and Crazies…
  wee duh people

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are 3/5 Accurate

You might think that our Christianist textbooks would have the decency to mention this true historical event where Jesus handed the Constitution to America’s children while Washington, Lincoln, Adams and Hamilton sang show tunes, but this basic fact is strangely absent from the two textbooks we’ve been reviewing. They don’t even argue that the Constitution is directly inspired by the Bible, though possibly their having been written in the 1990s explains their exclusion of that bit of lunacy, which is mostly a recent product of the highly imaginative David Barton. Even so, there’s plenty of Godstuff to go around! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are 3/5 Accurate…
  department of what the hell are you talking about

Phyllis Schlafly Abandons Gay-Bashing For A Brief Moment To Be Terrible To Latinos Instead

We were really hoping, in light of the Supreme Court going all gay yesterday, that we’d hear from the O.G Culture Scold herself, Phyllis Schlafly. Who better than Schlafly to bust out a nice little homophobic rant after that decision? Alas, ’tis not to be, probably because Schlafly is super-busy of late because she’s taken on being stone cold racist AND stupid about Latinos: Read more on Phyllis Schlafly Abandons Gay-Bashing For A Brief Moment To Be Terrible To Latinos Instead…
  start 'em young

Patriotic Children’s Book Here To Rescue Your Child From Socialism

Are little Jimmy and Janie coming home from school with a bunch of godless socialist ideas about “redistributing toys to other kids who haven’t had a turn” and “waiting in communist bread lines to go out to recess?”  If you are worried this kind of Soviet indoctrination is taking hold of your youngster in our nation’s underfunded miniature socialist learning labs, well then, the Internet has a thing for you. “One Nation Under God: A Book for Little Patriots” is an actual book (remember those?) for parents to read to their kids in case they noticed God and gun rights weren’t mentioned enough times in their civics homework. Let’s take a peek at our lessons! Read more on Patriotic Children’s Book Here To Rescue Your Child From Socialism…
  reasonable centrist compromises

Joe Lieberman To Take Away Americans’ Citizenship Without Amending Constitution, Hooray!

Fiercely independent Connecticut Senator and five-time Worst Human Of The Year Award winner Joe Lieberman finds it pretty frustrating when swarthy, sinister terrorists are picked up by FBI “courtesy patrols” and whisked off to a day spa for mud wraps and reiki work just because they managed to bamboozle some activist judge into making them a U.S. citizen. But Joe Lieberman is just one man! What can he do to protect Americans from all the “freebies” we give to Americans? C’mon Joe, think … Bill of Rights … think … terrorist enemies everywhere … Oh, wait! Just announce that they aren’t citizens anymore, by executive fiat! Problem solved! Read more on Joe Lieberman To Take Away Americans’ Citizenship Without Amending Constitution, Hooray!…