Wonkette

* Fun-hating media watchdogs want you to get election results from ticker tape machines. [Political Insider]
* If any judicial nominees go to a gay wedding, Sam Brownback wants it to be his. [The Angry Fag]
* Bill O’Reilly discovers secret DNC plot to smear Fox News. [Johnny Dollar's Place]
* Weekly Democratic communications meetings to focus on football and the weather now that Lieberman’s leaktastic flack is sitting in. [Potomac Flacks]
* No calls yet for phased troop withdrawal in the War on Christmas. [MoJo Blog]
* Reporters refuse to turnover sources to the Government unless given a 50 lbs. bag of Funions. [Romenesko]
* It’s hard to meet leftist chicks without being sooo into some radical activity. [Manifest Density]

Undeterred by losing the War in Iraq and the War on Christmas, Bill O’Reilly has launched a new jihad on people who have iPods. “I don’t own an iPod,” O’Reilly said on his radio show. “I would never wear an iPod.” MORE »

• Rick Santorum has decided he doesn’t want Pennsylvania’s tax dollars used to finance genocide anymore. [The Carpetbagger Report]

• And he also thinks George Bush is a big “soft on terror” pussy. [The Swamp]
• Bill Maher’s Halloween costume: almost as original as his show. [Shakespeare's Sister]
• Michael J. Fox’s lust for baby harvesting causes at least 6 people to drop Back to the Future from their Netflix queues. [Pandagon]
• Osama’s dead, or in Djibouti. [The Jawa Report]
• David Letterman channels a time when he was funnier, meaner than Bill O’Reilly. [Power, Seduction, and War, C&L]
• Wolf Blitzer has more than just a brown nose. [Whiskey Bar]

• Bill O’Reilly to appear on Dave Letterman show tonight, will be guest reader for “Top Ten Reasons That Bill O’Reilly Sucks Goat Ass.” [Page Six]

• Yellow ribbon redux. [Tales of the Freeway]
• Harper’s bursts your Obama bubble. [The Swamp]
• Michelle Bachmann may be a fool, but she’s “a fool for Christ.” [Boozhy]
• How to steal an election. [Ars Technica]
• “Stop it Chris Matthews. You and people who share your weird, racial paranoia are hurting the country.” [Media Blog]
• Bob Corker’s attack ad on Harold Ford wasn’t pulled because of racism, but rampant anti-Canadianism. [MoJo Blog]
• Lynne Cheney thinks Jim Webb is “full of baloney.” Lynne is proud of never having baloney in her. [Hotline on Call]
• Next week’s fun: speculating about George Allen’s divorce records. [Talking Points Memo]
• Someone on craigslist has a (creepy) thing for the ladies of the Competitive Enterprise Institute. [craigslist]

• Once democrats retake the congress, Bush will be headed to South America, after the impeachment. [FrontPage Magazine]

• Bill O’Reilly is so far in Bush’s head, he sees what the president sees, knows what he knows. [300 Dollar Wonder]
• Oh God! Yeah, God. Just like that, God. Don’t stop, God! [Boozhy]
• Curt Weldon emails his supporters to let them know the “left wing liberal attack machine” is much more dangerous than his Serbian warlord golfing buddies. [Hotline on Call]
• Weldon apparently not just blaming Democrats out of paranoid reflex, actually believes in a DOJ conspiracy to get him. [TPMMuckracker]
• Rick Santorum knows Pennsylvania loves killin’ terrorists. With just one shot, cause “two is pussy.” [Tristram Shandy]
• RNC uses fear mongering technique pioneered by LBJ in the ’60s. [The Swamp]
• Blogger who hates Jerry Weller says “The Rumor” about him isn’t true. Seeing as Weller is a GOP incumbent, that must just mean he’s done something much, much worse. [The Capitol Fax Blog]

• Congressman says Baghdad and Manhattan are twinsies, cites availability of goods on street corners and porno video stores as examples. [Think Progress]

• Rick Santorum continues to go after the “virgin vote,” appealing to their sensibilities by likening the Iraq war to Lord of the Rings. [Salon]
• John Boehner eulogizes PageFuckerGate, brandishes The Eternal Hammer of Tax Policy. [Hotline on Call]
• Gorby reiterates: they’re real, and they’re spectacular. [Goldenfiddle]
• Ain’t no Alabama Congressman gonna spend his time learnin’ bout no “mozlawms.” [Hullabaloo]
• Republican incumbent in Wyoming race sees lead slip to only 7 — actual voters, not percentage points. [Political Wire]
• Bill O’Reilly will make you hate yourself, one way or another. [Fishbowl DC]

• No matter what she says, Cindy Sheehan has no, and will never have, a reason to go to Norway. [Sweetness & Light]

• Christopher Hitchens has a disease, and the cure is a strict regimen of shut-the-fuck-up. [Ezra Klein]
• “We may be looking at emerging evidence of a homosexual recruitment ring that operated on Capitol Hill.” [Accuracy In Media]
• Oh hell yeah, it’s what we’ve been waiting for: $150,000 a year for being born American. U-S-A! U-S-A! [Hit & Run]
• Pentagon reporters will get a mea culpa from Rumsfeld — after they squeeze it from his cold dead lips. [Power Line]
• White House thankful baseball players are lousy pilots, giving us a chance to show how “ready” America is to defend condos. [HuffPo]
• Al Franken isn’t even as funny as he looks. [Galley Slaves]
• Terrorism confessions to surge as government now offers acid to detainees. [TPMMuckraker]
• Bill O’Reilly, flag peddler, doesn’t wear his own products and likes to keep his $1500 suits pinhole free while supporting the terrorists. [Media Matters]

We knew the poor guy had been outed, but we didn’t realize he was actually Paul Lynde. (”They can’t keep doin’ the Texas two-step” was, we’re pretty sure, scripted by the surviving writers from Hollywood Squares). MORE »

• Rove’s been telling his candidates he’s got an “October surprise” to put them over the top. We sure hope he can find Bin Laden in the next 9 days. [Newsmax]

• New political-networking sites enjoy idea-exchanging utopia, have not yet devolved into “Democratic lady looks for hot night with Republican stud.” [Washington Wire]
• All good Democracies know that in order to survive you have to kick someone’s ass, or become someone’s bitch. [Whiskey Bar]
• In case you forgot, Housing and Urban Development is still the most corrupt government agency not based at the Pentagon. [The Carpetbagger Report]
• Bill Clinton endorses “whacking” terror suspects in lieu of torture. [The Swamp]
• Proof that nobody has ever voluntarily left a job to “spend more time with family.” [Outside The Beltway]
• Republicans plan for Ahmadinejad-Chavez barnstorming tour to support Bush’s national security plans as, “no one makes a more compelling case than the duo of Mahmoud and Hugo.” [Scrappleface]

In Bill O’Reilly’s secret world, he bravely keeps one step ahead of the Al Qaeda terrorists sent to New York to kill him. Luckily, the FBI is regularly warning O’Reilly of the specific threats against our greatest American hero. That’s what the Fox News clown tells Baba Walters in a very special edition of “20/20,” at least. MORE »

• Bolton’s still waiting - for a train back to DC, cause his confirmation is dead. [The Coffee House]

• DHS is pursuing criminal charges against a journalist who filmed a “national security site owned by Exxon,” in the wake of Katrina. Spike Lee ponders real estate in Switzerland. [Greg Palast]
• The worst hair on the hill, indexed by species. [Radar Magazine]
• The DEA can’t even seize a bag without the stems and the sticks. [TalkLeft]
• Bill O’Reilly wants to help you through your identity crisis, bowel movements. [Rude Pundit]
• Cindy Sheehan dreams of going Terminator on Bush in his little crib, but she’s clearly not thinking big picture. [DCeiver]
• Sandy Berger is going after ABC to keep a lid on the fact that he couldn’t kill Bin Laden because he was too busy blowing lines off Madeline Albright’s tits. [IMAO]

• George Allen’s apology to S.R. Sidarth not actually “from his heart,” instead “from his poll results.” [Hotline On Call]

• Rush Limbaugh uses very accurate stereotype based handicapping system to predict winner of the new Survivor season. [TBogg]
• Bill O’Reilly: “at any volume, he’s noise.” [Raw Story]
• Liberals to become extinct as Conservatives “outbreed” them. [Echidne of the Snakes]
• Jeff Jarvis admits his blog doesn’t get him laid. [BuzzMachine]
• President of Kazakhstan fights “Anti-Borat hard-liners” within his administration. [New York Magazine]
• “Presidential funny bone” tickled by watching new aides try to resist the gas face. [Boston Herald]

More than anything, Bill O’Reilly thinks that TSA screeners need the gift of Secret Sight:

So all young Muslims should be subjected to more scrutiny than Granny…. Passengers who are Muslims ages 16 to 45 all should be spoken with. And if the ACLU doesn’t like it, tough. This isn’t racial profiling. This is criminal profiling.

MORE »