Tag Archives: bill kristol

  Hide Your Kids Hide Your Wife

Let’s Get Drunk On Republican Obamacare Tears, Together!

That's it, moving to Canada.
Ehrmagerd, the Surperm Curt upheard Abummacurr! This was not met on the right with universal approbation, although many Republicans were quietly breathing a sigh of relief that they won’t have to reveal that their ready-to-implement fix was really just a copy of the 1996 Houston Yellow Pages that they’d been lugging around in a briefcase. Read more on Let’s Get Drunk On Republican Obamacare Tears, Together!…
 

Baltimore’s All F*cked Up Because There Aren’t Enough Dads Or Jesus

Another day, another city torn apart and going up in flames because black folk get all pissy for some reason when cops kill them and then shrug when asked to explain how the hell that happened, all the time. After Freddie Gray was arrested by Baltimore police and somehow mysteriously ended up with severe spinal injuries that killed him — strange how police have no idea how that happened, it just did — Baltimore’s residents have reacted as you might expect, with protests and outrage and demands for answers. And the city and state have also reacted as you might expect, with cops in riot gear, a declaration of a state of emergency, a week-long curfew, and deployment of the National Guard. Read more on Baltimore’s All F*cked Up Because There Aren’t Enough Dads Or Jesus…
  sure why not

Never Wrong Bill Kristol Has Just The Right GOP Dick To Beat Hillary Clinton

Cool idea
Smirking sack of hot air Bill Kristol offered some of his infallible logic and political acumen on Sunday’s “This Week” with George Stephanopoulos: KRISTOL: If they get to nominate Hillary Clinton, why don’t we get to nominate Dick Cheney? I mean, he has a much — he has a much better record. With his evil self-satisfied chuckle, one might think Kristol is attempting to make a joke. But given that he quite seriously “discovered” Sarah Palin and insisted she was the Next Great Hope of the Republican Party — and also, his constant calling for bombing whatever country’s handy because what could possibly go wrong? — there’s a good chance he thinks he’s serious. Read more on Never Wrong Bill Kristol Has Just The Right GOP Dick To Beat Hillary Clinton…
  Nice piece of grift ya got there

Daily Caller Dude Suddenly Realizes Sarah Palin Is Dumb And Terrible, Would Like A Medal Please

Her?
Some “writer” at Tucker Carlson’s interwebs home for keyboard-banging anger bears has made an amazing discovery. And that discovery is that Sarah Palin sucks, maybe? In a column cleverly titled “You Betcha I Was Wrong About Sarah Palin” at the Daily Beast — apparently because it’s too highbrow to run alongside the typical piles of pixelated garbage at The Daily Caller — Matt Lewis, aka Matt K. Lewis, aka Some Conservative Writer Dude who has smeared his various bylines all over the wingnuttosphere, asks the extraordinary Hot Take Deep Thought question: Read more on Daily Caller Dude Suddenly Realizes Sarah Palin Is Dumb And Terrible, Would Like A Medal Please…
  Here have some news n stuff

President Obama Is Totally Into Science, IMPEACH!

Nerrrrrddddddd
Official White House Photo by Pete Souza Like it isn’t bad enough that President Obama believes in things like birth control, evolution, and climate change — now we find out the guy actually really likes science. Like a total geek: Read more on President Obama Is Totally Into Science, IMPEACH!…
  he looks good with a beard! no an actual beard

Jerk Obama Laughed At Michele Bachmann’s Great Idea To Bomb Iran, What A Jerk

We will always love you, The Bachmanns
via Michele Bachmann’s Facebook page Man, we are really going to miss Rep. Michele Bachmann. And not just because of her fabulous fashion sense and even more fabulous husband sense, or her riveting speeches on how much she loves God and freedom, but also because of sparkly rhinestones like this. Read more on Jerk Obama Laughed At Michele Bachmann’s Great Idea To Bomb Iran, What A Jerk…
  Today In Why Bill Kristol Is A Idiot

Bill Kristol Has Learned The Real Lesson Of Ferguson

Someone help him, please
Ever since Bill Kristol got himself a Twitter account, we’ve been enjoying his condensed doses of S-M-R-T. Like that time he admitted he’s kind of stupid, or his wish that Richard Nixon would come back and save us. But now, having waded a bit into the technological ocean, Bill Kristol is ready to suggest some bold new initiatives to use tech — like maybe to fight crime! Read more on Bill Kristol Has Learned The Real Lesson Of Ferguson…
  too soon?

Where Is Nixon Now That Bill Kristol Needs Him?

After hearing for years and years that President Obama and all of his faux “scandals” — IRSgate, Benghazigate, BeingBlackgate — are worse than Watergate, the Gate-iest Gate of all — this sad plea from Perpetually Wrong Bill Kristol is a heck of a thing: Read more on Where Is Nixon Now That Bill Kristol Needs Him?…
  Tweet O'The Day

Bill Kristol Finally Admits He’s Stupid

Who you callin' stupid?
Folks, we really honestly genuinely and truly did not think we would live to see this day. Sure, we have called Bill Kristol stupid many times. Many many times. All the times. We’re aiming for the world record on that, really. Read more on Bill Kristol Finally Admits He’s Stupid…
  Maybe she will quit again one day

Sarah Palin Just Might Quit A Half-Term Of A Office Again One Day, Hooray!

Ever since Our Lady of Meth-Colored Lipstick quit her job to pursue a reality teevee career because only dead fish serve a full term as governor, we have a-hoped and a-prayed that Sarah Palin would one day run for being in office of something again one day. Read more on Sarah Palin Just Might Quit A Half-Term Of A Office Again One Day, Hooray!…
  It’s only nepotism when Democrats do it

Spawn Of Irving Kristol Sick Of Democrats Who Pretend To Make It On Their Own

Who you callin' stupid?
Mouth-breathing uber-moron Bill Kristol came from nothing, absolutely nothing, to pull himself up by his own diapers and build his illustrious career as one of the most prominent Being Wrong About Everything Ever Always columnists in history. Which is why he feels completely vindicated in mocking those dumb Democrats who are always using their family connections to advance their careers, which is something no conservative, and certainly not Kristol, has ever done. Read more on Spawn Of Irving Kristol Sick Of Democrats Who Pretend To Make It On Their Own…
  Here have some news n stuff

Radical Feminist SCOTUS Forces Texas To Do All The Abortions Again

Bad news for this guy, great news for people who actually have abortions
Image via shortformblog We still can’t quite believe this, but the Supreme Court issued this very brief order on Tuesday, re-opening about a dozen of Texas’s abortion clinics that had been shut down by the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals earlier this month while the lower court decides the underlying case: Read more on Radical Feminist SCOTUS Forces Texas To Do All The Abortions Again…
  bqhatevwr

Bill Kristol Joins Twitter, Will Now Be Wrong 240 Characters At A Time Or Whatever

You Are Hearing My Voice
Wowie, kids, here’s big news: Mr. Excitement himself, William Kristol, the most spectacularly wrong pundit in the history of ever, has gone and gotten himself a Twitter account. Now, instead of having to wait a few days between columns or Fox News appearances in which he bloviates over who we should bomb next, we can hear it immediately. For that matter, given the astonishing number of places he’d like to bomb, he may as well just rig up a script to post “We need immediate military action in [country name] if America is to remain a credible world power” a couple times a day. Read more on Bill Kristol Joins Twitter, Will Now Be Wrong 240 Characters At A Time Or Whatever…
  There'll Be No One Left To Blame Us

Bill Kristol Just Wishes We Could Bomb Somebody And See How It Works Out

Help him!
“Help him, help him,” Bill Kristol was sobbing. “Help him, help him.” “Help who? Help who?” Yossarian called back. “Help who?” “The bombardier, the bombardier,” Kristol cried. “He doesn’t answer. Help the bombardier, help the bombardier.” Read more on Bill Kristol Just Wishes We Could Bomb Somebody And See How It Works Out…
  your opinions are bad and you should feel bad

Nation Editor Katrina Vanden Heuvel Literally Defenestrates Bill Kristol

Normally we would rather flay the skin off our balls with a wire brush than watch This Week with George Stephahoozywhat or any of the other Sunday morning bloviation-fests, but yesterday would have been almost worth it just to see Katrina Vanden Heuvel, editor of The Nation, put bloodthirsty twatwaffle Bill Kristol on the spot over his past “all war all the time” cheerleading. If there are no regrets for the failed assumptions that have grievously wounded this nation — I don’t know what happened to our politics and media accountability, but we need it, Bill. Because this country should not go back to war. We don’t need armchair warriors, and if you feel so strongly, you should, with all due respect, enlist in the Iraqi Army. Read more on Nation Editor Katrina Vanden Heuvel Literally Defenestrates Bill Kristol…
  media circus

Peggy Noonan Gets Her Feminist On. No, We’re Serious.

Did you watch This Week with George Stephanopoulos yesterday? Haha of course not. No big deal, because we have the clip that matters, where the roundtable discusses the ouster of Jill Abramson and we get to see Bill Kristol, nascent populist, and Peggy Noonan, budding socialist. Read more on Peggy Noonan Gets Her Feminist On. No, We’re Serious….
  dear god it's only 2014

Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News

This weekend a scaly, horrifying, rage-addled lizard rose from the depths of its subterranean lair and slithered onto screens all over the country, where it opened its jaw and shrieked high-pitched noises at terrified Americans as it stomped its way across the land, leaving destruction in its wake. Yep, Dick Cheney was on Fox News Sunday again to talk about Hillary Clinton and BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! as if anyone on the planet should give a foamy crap about what Dick Cheney thinks about anything. Read more on Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News…
  stupid is as stupid does

Bill Kristol Has A Fantastic New Never-Been-Tried-Before Idea: Even More War!

There is no problem that cannot be solved by more war. Sure, that may sound kind of dumb to you, but you are not Bill Kristol, the spittle-filled sack of stupid who has never been right about a thing ever in his entire lifetime. You think that’s hyperbole? It took him until 2013 to figure out Sarah Palin probably does not have a political future. Kristol loooooooooves him some war. War is great. It is the best. Since he was first spawned from Satan’s butthole, he has never heard of a war he didn’t enthusiastically cheer (even if he didn’t actually serve in any of those wars, because it’s so much easier to write columns about how other people should serve in a war you desperately want, isn’t it?) Kristol doesn’t care if pansy-ass whiny Americans are maybe a little tired of war. Oh no. You know what the cure for war-weariness is? It is more war! So American war-weariness isn’t new. Using it as an excuse to avoid maintaining our defenses or shouldering our responsibilities isn’t new, either. But that doesn’t make it admirable. […] In fact, the idol of war-weariness can be challenged. A war-weary public can be awakened and rallied. Indeed, events are right now doing the awakening. All that’s needed is the rallying. And the turnaround can be fast. See, that’s all we need. Just a little more war to perk us right up and give us our second wind like it’s 2 AM and we’re drunk and just want to stumble home but Kristol knows a guy who knows a guy who can score us an eight ball to keep us partying until dawn. Read more on Bill Kristol Has A Fantastic New Never-Been-Tried-Before Idea: Even More War!…
  Also water is wet also too also

BREAKING: Sarah Palin Does Not Have A Future, Says Last Guy In America To Realize That

Bill Kristol — Mensa poster child, inventor of Dan Quayle AND Sarah Palin, and hater of kids these days with their rock ‘n roll music and their tolerance for gay homosexual matrimony — has some news that will shock you to your core. If you have been living in a coma under a rock in a hole in the ground on Mars. “I was asked, ‘Does Sarah Palin have a future?’ and I just tried to give an analytical answer, which is I don’t think she does having resigned as governor,” he said. He continued, “This is useful to think outside the box, not just accept the conventional wisdom…If she wants to have a serious future in American politics, as opposed to giving speeches occasionally, causing a ruckus with Facebook posts, she should run for office. Running and winning takes away a lot of the baggage of the past.” Well, shut the front door! No one could have predicted that quitting her job as governor because something incoherent about dead fish and also paperwork also would make it harder for her to convince people to give her another job. You know, besides Bill Kristol’s fellow Mensa members at Fox “News,” who paid her $15.85 per word before saying thanks but no thanks to renewing her contract but then hiring her back anyway because Fox is not as good at quitting stuff as Sarah Palin is. Read more on BREAKING: Sarah Palin Does Not Have A Future, Says Last Guy In America To Realize That…
  kids these days

Old Fart Bill Kristol: It is ‘Pathetic’ To Listen To Kids These Days Because They ‘Are Sometimes Wrong’

Super genius Bill Kristol — the “serious, respected conservative intellectual” who invented Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin — has a new super genius theory: Republicans should stop listening to “pathetic” humans known as the youths, what with their rock ‘n roll music and their gay marriage. Why? “Young people are sometimes wrong,” concluded one of America’s foremost experts in being horribly wrong. This smells like another winning election strategy from Bill Kristol! Read more on Old Fart Bill Kristol: It is ‘Pathetic’ To Listen To Kids These Days Because They ‘Are Sometimes Wrong’…