Wonkette

Tomorrow is quittin’ time for Hillary Clinton, so today she threw a big farewell bash for her 500-person staff at her Georgetown home, Whitehaven Manor Castle, “in the back yard by the swimming pool.” And although Hillary could’ve served the troops just fine, thank you, with her trademark potato salad recipe — which consists of bourbon and no potatoes at all — she donated another $11 million to her campaign for catering! “All morning, workers brought tables, food, and bags of ice through the side gate, assisted by Secret Service agents. Valets helped park cars to keep them off the quiet one-way street.” Oh boy!

UPDATE BELOW: We’re hearing that many sad pandas on Team Clinton didn’t get invited. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Those of us who have been forced (either for vaguely professional reasons or by sheer cussed compulsion) to follow the presidential campaign over the past year or so might use a number of terms or phrases to describe it. “Dreamlike,” perhaps. “Nightmarish,” maybe. Or possibly, “A horrible, violent mescaline hallucination during which we begged God to kill us.” But did the candidates feel the same way? We have some evidence, in cartoon form, that maybe one of them did! MORE »

The nation’s most historic nomination race in the history of History may be coming to an end today, but probably not, because Hillary Clinton can’t call it quits until she has figured out how to get her campaign out of tens of millions of dollars of debt. According to one shadowy source, the reason she’s staying in the race is “not about the vice-presidency or any other position she might get. It’s about the money – in particular the Clinton family money.” She shouldn’t worry too much, though, because a mere eight years ago Bill left office with an estimated $12 million in debt — and presto, after less than a decade of whoring around with Ron Burkle he’s back on top of the world! What will Hillary do to recoup her own debts, short of selling her hair and teeth? MORE »

Can Obama do it? Can Hillary force herself to lose? Every reporter in the country is scanning e-mails, harassing sources, divining from “expense reports,” following travel schedules, monitoring clandestine superdelegate meetings, et cetera et cetera and so forth, to see what’s gonna happen tomorrow. Here’s a bulleted list of tea leaves being read. Our guess? Hillary herself has not even considered making a plan yet. MORE »

It appears that Bill Clinton’s latest run for president will be his last, despite rumors that he may run again in 2012. “I want to say also, that this may be the last day I’m ever involved in a campaign of this kind,” he said at a rally in South Dakota today. “I thought I was out of politics, ’til Hillary decided to run,” he continued, “But it has been, one of the greatest honors of my life to go around and campaign for her for president.” Indeed, now that his wife will likely leave the race, President Clinton — the leader of the Democratic Party for 16 years — can no longer be involved in politics, much like he wasn’t when he didn’t campaign for John Kerry or Al Gore. [First Read]

Don’t you just love when people openly admit that they are voting for Hillary because it’ll get Bill back in the White House? Like this Kentucky man with his pin? It’s almost as amazing as how some people still like Bill Clinton. [Getty Photo]

Jesus, did anybody ever like this guy? Well, whatever “good will” he established by, uh, having an affair with a fat gal in the Oval Office, that’s all long gone. Now, there is only this shouty red-faced old man who is going to personally argue with every old hillbilly lady that Hillary has carefully courted all year. [YouTube/CBS News]

Harold Meyerson has lost his mind, and now he is writing insane jabber about Cronus and the swallowing of babies, and how Hillary and Bill Clinton are a two-headed Cronus while Jeremiah Wright is just a lame old one-headed Cronus. In this carefully thought-out electoral scenario, Barack Obama plays the rapist swan. [Washington Post]

Bill Clinton laughed and laughed at people who fainted during one of his interminable speeches in the fetid North Carolinian heat, and this is yet another reason he should not be elected president again. [AP] MORE »

Hillary Clinton did a very personable interview in the latest issue of People magazine, which made a one-time exception in this case to feature a robot. When Hillary was asked what her last present to Bill was, she responded, “I give him little mementos I find. He’s collected frogs a long time, and I found a metal frog that I thought was cute.” And now Bill Clinton’s metal frog is filing a sex harassment lawsuit against him, in Arkansas. [The Caucus]

“Well, the Empire doesn’t consider a small one-man fighter to be any threat, or they’d have a tighter defense. An analysis of the plans provided by Joe Andrew has demonstrated a weakness in the battle station. But the approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two meters wide. It’s a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the station. Only a precise hit will set off a chain reaction. The shaft is ray-shielded, so you’ll have to use proton torpedoes.”

You may recall that Hillary’s husband Bill was president for a while in the 1990s, and that is why Hillary gets to run for president but never actually win. This clip highlights a moment on the trail during the 1992 election, where a hilariously ’90s-outfitted James Carville and George Stephanopoulos are checking out the latest polling figures. In steps Mickey Kantor, the chairman of Bill’s campaign, to express his views on the good blue-collars of Indiana. They are not only the pride and soul of America, according to the subtitles, but they are also “shit” and “white niggers.” The most offensive part is pretty sketchy, considering you can’t see anybody actually saying this. UPDATE: Kantor denies, Conspiracy! MORE »

From: Will Duke
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Tue, Apr 29, 2008 at 10:13 AM