Tag Archives: bill clinton

  Slop Goes The Needle

Looks Like It’s Time To Execute Another Mentally Ill Guy, For Justice

Not sure this makes a point about the story -- mostly just wanted to execute a Lego figure.
We know you’re all sick of Ebola and ISIS, so here’s a pick-me-up: Texas is fixing to execute Scott Pannetti, who is so disconnected from reality that he buried a sofa and other furniture in his yard because he was sure the Devil was in it. He murdered his in-laws in 1992, in front of his estranged wife and infant daughter — his wife had left him two years earlier, after he threatened her with a cavalry sword. He turned himself in to the police and explained the killing was the fault of “Sarge,” one of the people in his hallucinations. By the time of the killings, Panetti had been “diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, delusions, auditory hallucinations, and manic depression, and had been hospitalized 14 times.” Read more on Looks Like It’s Time To Execute Another Mentally Ill Guy, For Justice…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He's always been a great dancer
Would you like to start your day with some laughs, some tears, or maybe just go straight to the drinking? Of course you would! And we are here to help. You know things in Ferguson have gotten really ugly when CNN’s Don Lemon almost got arrested: Read more on Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  electile dysfunction

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books With The Accuracy Of A Florida Election

Hey, folks, are you ready to relive the 2000 election? As if some of us didn’t spend most of 2000 through 2008 doing that already? Go dimple your chads, because it’s time for some butterfly ballots, Christian-textbook style! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books With The Accuracy Of A Florida Election…
  jay leno monologues were more educational

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are Close, But No Cigar

Here we are kids, at the lowest point* of the Clinton administration: the Lewinsky affair and impeachment. But how are textbooks for the fundamentalist Christian homeschool market supposed to approach the topic? On the one hand, there’s big Presidential Sin, but on the other, S-E-X. Not all that surprisingly, our middle-school textbook skirts the details, while our high-school text looks mostly at the legal case, not the affair. Neither mentions a blue dress or a blowjob, though in that delicacy, we should note that they’re in line with secular texts. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are Close, But No Cigar…
  come whine with me

Daily Caller Bombshell: Obamas Still Refusing To Take Greyhound Bus To Hawaii

The Daily Caller proved conclusively this weekend that Barack and Michelle Obama are the most pampered, spoiled, wasteful Imperial President and First Lady ever in the history of America, mostly by throwing out a whole lot of big numbers and suggesting that they’re shocking. The headline, “The Obamas Have Spent Over $44,351,777.12 In Taxpayer Cash On Travel” gets things started, using an absolutely infallible number from the highly reliable wingnut organization Judicial Watch, whose total is cited but not linked to, but that’s OK, you don’t need the details. Why, $44 million over five and a half years is a lot of vacations! And travel on official business, which the number also includes, without any actual breakdown of the two amounts. Heck, those five years of travel work out to just under 7 1/2 hours of the Iraq War, which just goes to show you (once again) how Barack Obama has no regard for We, The People’s muneez. Read more on Daily Caller Bombshell: Obamas Still Refusing To Take Greyhound Bus To Hawaii…
  if money is speech he sure was loud

Richard Mellon Scaife Dies, Gets Chance To Compare Notes With Vince Foster

Richard Mellon Scaife, the guy who made a career of inheriting billions from his banking and oil industry forebears and then blowing it on hating the Clintons in the 1990s, died Friday of cancer. Scaife was a central contributor to rightwing attacks on the Clintons, and gave the American Spectator almost $2 million for the “Arkansas Project,” which found pretty much nothing about Bill Clinton’s non-crimes in the Whitewater real estate scandal, and which expanded into the wackaloon idea that the Clintons murdered Vince Foster. Scaife also was instrumental in founding former Wonkette advertiser Newsmax, so we feel compelled to say “So long, and thanks for all the greasy misspent rightwing moneez.” Read more on Richard Mellon Scaife Dies, Gets Chance To Compare Notes With Vince Foster…
  lies damned lies and a beka book

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People

Better fire up your modems and log into your AOL account (or Prodigy for you hipsters). Time for another look at the ruinous near-decade of prosperity under Bill Clinton, as refracted through the Truthiness Lens of rightwing Christian textbooks. This week, foreign affairs! (And next week, we’ll get to the other kind.) Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People…
  smells like teen spiritual decline

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence

Put on a plaid flannel shirt and break out your Nirvana CDs, kids, because our rightwing Christian textbooks are looking at the ’90s: Bill Clinton is the president, and America is in deep moral decline, because didn’t you just read the name of the president? Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence…
  america's nightmare of peace and prosperity

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Feel Your Pain

Pop quiz time! (If you need to review last week’s lesson, you may.) Here is an actual review question from our 8th-grade American History textbook from Christian publisher A Beka, America: Land I Love (2006): “What Communist leader toured America in 1990?” Now, you filthy liberals may think the correct answer would be Mikhail Gorbachev, or possibly if you’re a big trivia buff, Jiang Zemin, but you would be wrong. Obviously, the huge commie they’re talking about is Nelson Mandela. And that’s why we love these textbooks. Their idea of what needs to be emphasized always manages to surprise us. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Feel Your Pain…
  this digression will not stand man

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Do Not Like Broccoli

After a million weeks on Ronald Reagan, the Greatest President Ever, our survey of a couple of rightwing Christian textbooks will devote about 1500 words to his successor, George Herbert Walker Kennebunkport Milli Vanilli Bush, the 41st President and only the second-worst President named “George Bush.” And Happy Father’s Day to a very middling president whose son managed to make him look like a freakin’ statesman. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Do Not Like Broccoli…
  the rich go broke differently from you and me

Oh Look, Hillary Clinton Is Being A Dick Again

Oh, Hillary. Why’d you have to go and say that you and Bill were “dead broke” when you left the White House in 2001? In an interview Monday with Diane Sawyer, Hillz said, “We came out of the White House not only dead broke, but in debt. We had no money when we got there, and we struggled to, you know, piece together the resources for mortgages, for houses, for Chelsea’s education. You know, it was not easy.” It was not easy indeed, piecing together the mortgages for those two multimillion-dollar homes with just the promise of a piddling $12 million or so to come from Bill Clinton’s golden pen (his penis). HOW DID THEY LIVE? Read more on Oh Look, Hillary Clinton Is Being A Dick Again…
  phenomenal woman

Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman, Excellent Human Being, 1928-2014

Maya Angelou died Tuesday at her home in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, following a long illness. She leaves behind a list of accomplishments that threatened to overwhelm headlines: poet, essayist, actress, memoirist, historian, educator, civil rights advocate, Poet Laureate, excellent human being, take your pick. The first of her many memoirs, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, is a true modern classic, the story of her youth in the Jim Crow South, of her being silenced by sexual violence, and of her rediscovery of language. Read more on Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman, Excellent Human Being, 1928-2014…
  One Two Hillary's Coming For You

Larry Klayman Pretty Sure Hillary Will Make You Wish You Had Richard Nixon To Kick Around

When last we saw Larry Klayman, he was pretty worried about how Barack Obama was forcing white people to be racist, and if there were no Bamz, poof! no racism. But since it has been like 10 minutes since Larry had another theory (we use that word so loosely) about what is wrecking ‘Merica, he has popped back up to explain how if Hillary gets elected she is totally worse than Nixon because she has so many more ‘gates to her name, whereas Nixon had just the one. Read more on Larry Klayman Pretty Sure Hillary Will Make You Wish You Had Richard Nixon To Kick Around…
  dear god it's only 2014

Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News

This weekend a scaly, horrifying, rage-addled lizard rose from the depths of its subterranean lair and slithered onto screens all over the country, where it opened its jaw and shrieked high-pitched noises at terrified Americans as it stomped its way across the land, leaving destruction in its wake. Yep, Dick Cheney was on Fox News Sunday again to talk about Hillary Clinton and BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! as if anyone on the planet should give a foamy crap about what Dick Cheney thinks about anything. Read more on Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News…
  we also don't miss flannel

Clinton-Obsessed Swamp Thing Lanny Davis Oozes From Primordial Muck To Weigh In On Benghazi

One specter that has always hovered over a Hillary Clinton campaign for president in 2016 is the possibility — the certainty — that all the old spirits of the 1990s will be conjured up and released into the world to wreak havoc and slime anyone in their way in the political equivalent of shutting down the containment unit in Ghostbusters. All those old “scandals” – Whitewater, Mena Airport, Travelgate, Vince Foster – will get all-new airings in the media, dissected like a Census taker that knocks on Hannibal Lecter’s door. Ugh, we’re getting nauseous just writing this. It also means some of the old faces from the 90s will reappear. (It’s true some of them never went away in the first place, as we’re reminded every time we happen to catch pudgy-faced Jell-O monster Dick Morris sneering his way through an appearance on Fox News.) Last week Monica Lewinsky popped back up for the first time in over a decade, inciting conspiracy theories from Lynne Cheney and one million column ideas plus a raging lady boner for Maureen Dowd. Not long before that, the announcement of Chelsea Clinton’s pregnancy brought back some of those old “Webb Hubbell is Chelsea’s father” stories. We wondered, who would be next? Linda Tripp? Gennifer Flowers? Ghost Socks the cat? Lanny Davis. Of course, it would be goddamn Lanny Davis, crawling out from whatever rock he has been hiding under to insert himself into the BENGHAAAAZI!!11!! flustercuck that has congressional doctors busy writing dozens of prescriptions for amyl nitrites. Read more on Clinton-Obsessed Swamp Thing Lanny Davis Oozes From Primordial Muck To Weigh In On Benghazi…
  no justice like texas justice

Texas So Sad It Can’t Execute Mentally Retarded Guy, Like That Is Even Fair

Just today we got around to reading this New York Times story about how efficient Texas is with killing condemned prisoners, and then the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals put a halt to its next scheduled execution. What on earth could have convinced a federal court to stop our most bloodthirsty state government from carrying out its God-given – and only – talent, the one for quickly and efficiently jabbing men with needles and pumping them full of drugs until they are dead? A convicted murderer was granted a stay of execution by a federal appeals court on Tuesday so the courts could review his claim that he is mentally disabled — a disability, his lawyers argued, that state agencies had long known and concealed. Ho ho, Texas was so gung-ho to execute Robert Campbell it allegedly hid evidence of his mental disability – yes, the dreaded “R” word – until his attorneys dug up the results of a test, performed when Campbell was first imprisoned in 1991, which showed he had an IQ of 71. Somehow, the state’s Department of Criminal Justice failed to release this information the first time defense attorneys requested it … in 2003. Quite an oopsie! Especially since the Supreme Court banned the execution of the mentally disabled back in 2002, a terrible inconvenience for Texas, which has a long-standing policy of either killing its mentally retarded citizens or electing them governor. Read more on Texas So Sad It Can’t Execute Mentally Retarded Guy, Like That Is Even Fair…
  sweet carolina

Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina

Is our favorite vice president of all time, Old Handsome Joe Biden, guzzling some of those five-hour energy drinks we see advertised everywhere? Because word is he went to a Democratic Party fundraiser in South Carolina on Friday night and tore shit up, son. Probably going to be a mini-Democratic baby boom down in that area in about nine months. Not that OHJB has eyes for anyone except Dr. Jill. It’s just that his raw animal magnetism is such that he can make a lady pregnant with his eyes. He’s that awesome. OHJB was actually in Columbia to deliver the commencement speech at the University of South Carolina but took the time to head to the fundraiser and rally the troops. While there, he gave a speech that attendees described to CNN as “populist” and “Elizabeth Warren-like,” hitting on themes of how the middle class is still struggling economically while corporations are more beholden to their stockholders than their employees. OHJB channeling Liz Warren? Are your panties a total loss yet? Read more on Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina…
  this is good news for john mccain

Fox News Has Exciting New Vanity Fair/Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky Conspiracy Theory!

It was a sad day across the Fox News Channel yesterday as the re-emergence of Monica Lewinsky and her coming essay about her long-ago affair with Bill Clinton knocked the BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! “scandal” out of the headlines, forcing the leprous sacks of skin that anchor Fox’s shows to talk about something else for five minutes. And because it is Fox, there had to be a conspiracy theory angle in there somewhere. For example, the hosts of The Five decided to flex their superior intellectual muscles on the question of why now, after all these years, has Monica decided to break her silence. Andrea Tantaros noted that there were lots of conspiracy theories out there (by “out there” she presumably meant in the Fox newsroom) and then asked Eric Bolling for his opinion. Read more on Fox News Has Exciting New Vanity Fair/Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky Conspiracy Theory!…
  i seem nice

It Is Time For Us All To Stop Making Fun Of Monica Lewinsky, By Monica Lewinsky

Heard any good jokes lately? No. No you haven’t. Because it has been twenty years-ish (?) since Peewee Herman got busted bustin’ in that porn theater, and I got busted … well you know. I am the last time a joke happened. That was me. Well, now I am back, to tell my story for money, because I have not been able to get a job in all that time except for the one time I designed purses, which everyone laughed at, because I’m such a big joke. I have been a global punchline since I was 22 years old probably, not sure, would have to look it up. I have been unemployable, undateable, and about 15 years early for the crusade against slut-shaming. That would have been nice. Am I sorry that my sluttiness occurred on someone else’s husband’s dick? I assume so, probably, sure! But you just try to tell me you wouldn’t have been all up in the Big Dog’s crotch, and I will call you a liar to your face. It was exciting! He’s a charismatic fellow! And you have been jizzed on by so much worse. Read more on It Is Time For Us All To Stop Making Fun Of Monica Lewinsky, By Monica Lewinsky…
  bang-banghazi

Allen West Explains How Crimea Made Obama Do The Fort Hood Shootings

See if you can follow the logic on this one, kids: On Fox’s Hannity Wednesday night, automated mobile grievance unit Allen West suggested that the Fort Hood shootings were the inevitable result of Barack Obama’s failure to recognize that America has international enemies. Now, by the time the program aired, it was pretty clear that Ivan Lopez wasn’t connected to any terrorist group, but why not drag terrorism into the equation anyway? “If your only tool is a hammer,” and you’re a tool yourself, etc. Hannity asked the disgraced former torturer if Fort Hood resulted from forgetting that there’s evil in this bad old world: Let me go to the big picture about combatting evil in our time and this goes back to “man-caused disasters, overseas contingency operations,” that Major Hasan was “workplace violence.” Have we gotten too far away from 9/11 that we don’t remember the impact of that day? We’re frankly rather surprised he didn’t shoehorn Benghazi in there, too. Read more on Allen West Explains How Crimea Made Obama Do The Fort Hood Shootings…
  give her her propers

Put On A Fancy Hat And Sing ‘America’ For Aretha Franklin’s Birthday

What can we say about Aretha Franklin? It’s her birthday! Queen of Soul! We can tell you that if you don’t already own a heaping helping of her records, you should clicky clicky on over to Amazon and pick up Rhino’s fantastic box set, The Queen of Soul which has five CDs of Aretha goodness for a whopping $29. Read more on Put On A Fancy Hat And Sing ‘America’ For Aretha Franklin’s Birthday…
  celebrity jeopardy

Washed-Up Has-Been Newt Gingrich Tired Of Famous-For-Nothing Hillary Clinton Getting So Much Attention

Normally, we rely on our sister site, HappyNiceTimePeople.com, to cover people who are famous for being famous. But every now and then, some no-talent celebrity decides to wade into politics, despite a complete lack of resume and credentials, and we are forced to mock them back to the realm of do-nothingness. Giant-headed moon enthusiast Newt Gingrich helpfully brought the latest sad sack wanna-be politician to our attention, per Raw Story: “First Lady, Senator, Secretary Clinton is very famous for being famous,” Gingrich opined. “And as long as she can continue to be famous, she will be famous.” Seriously, what has Hillary accomplished? No famous parents and not even one sex tape! Preach on, Newt. Preach on.  Read more on Washed-Up Has-Been Newt Gingrich Tired Of Famous-For-Nothing Hillary Clinton Getting So Much Attention…