Wonkette

• BRILLIANT HUNKS: “Clinton and Obama are both policy wonks and people it is clear you could trust an economy to (unlike Bush and McCain, who are all about giveaways to the rich, their own social class). But Clinton and Obama are also hunks, whom men admire for their lithe physicality and over whom women swoon. In a bad economy, Americans seem to want to be saved not so much by a man on a white horse as by a brilliant hunk.” Interesting idea, but find us a single American male who admired Bill Clinton for being “lithe.” (Thanks to Operative Bruce for the tip.) [Informed Comment]

John McCain gave a speech at the NAACP convention today and, to publicize the event, his campaign authorized Dr. Ada Fisher, a Republican running for the House in North Carolina’s 12th district, to speak as an official surrogate to journalists covering it. That may not have been the best decision, however, as she offered some pretty inflammatory thoughts about how Barack Obama’s admitted past drug use should disqualify him from the presidency. According to Tampa’s WMNF radio — which sent Wonkette a partial transcription of its interview with Fisher, which they will air tonight — Fisher said, among other things, “We cannot have a nation high on drugs and have the President… as an example.” Thanks, Ada! Now we have to deal with this again. MORE »

• NEED… MORE… UNITY: “A day after Obama wrote a $4,600 check to Hillary Clinton, First Read has learned Bill and Hillary Clinton have returned the favor, donating the maximum to the Illinois senator’s campaign, a Clinton spokesperson says.” And Patti Solis Doyle has already spent all of this Unity Money on snow shovels for the upcoming Florida battle. [First Read]

Now that his wife isn’t running anymore, will Bill Clinton revert to being arguably the most popular Democratic official of the last half-century and, you know, help his party out a bit? Maybe hold a big public endorsement spectacle for Obama? Maybe later! He has finally indicated, however, that he will support the Democratic nominee for president, via a one-sentence statement from his people: “President Clinton is obviously committed to doing whatever he can and is asked to do to ensure Senator Obama is the next President of the United States.” Obviously! Maybe he will appear with Hillary and Obama in Unity, New Hampshire on Friday. Or maybe he will cry. Still. [Hotline]

There’s a crazy long profile of our favorite column-writer-of, Peggy Noonan, in today’s Women’s Wear Daily (which is, for some reason, a political newspaper in New York). We read the whole thing and thrilled to the details of Peggy’s World and her weird e-mails and the real reason she loves Obama so much, but it’s super long and you won’t ever read it all, so we’ve created a handy bullet-point list of factoids! MORE »

Here’s yet another profile from another New York magazine that we read due to boredom, although this magazine is literally called New York. This story is about your favorite recluse, Hillary Clinton, and the last days of her campaign. The writer gets many interviews with her, too! The gist of the story is that because of her utter failure as a politician, strategist and manager for the first year of her campaign, followed by her complete switch to manipulation, demagoguery, lies and pandering after her loss was almost mathematically sealed, Hillary Clinton at this very moment is a “Superstar,” the greatest fucking mammal this world has seen or will ever know. MORE »

When Bill Richardson, John Edwards, Bob Casey, Sam Nunn, and all those other nuts gave their various flavors of “endorsement” to Barack Obama, the chatter immediately switched to why each of them was the only possible choice to be Barack Obama’s black vice president. And then Hillary Clinton said something phunny, and people forgot about the endorsements entirely. This will somehow happen again. For now, let’s explore why Al Gore must be Obama’s black vice president if he wants any shot at this thing, and why it would be a great achievement for humble ol’ Albert Gore Jr. MORE »

If it weren’t for the greatest president in modern times, George Walker Bush, Jr., the Republican nominee in 2008 would be his Brother, Jebediah “Jeb” Bush, the second male heir to the Bush crown and a known Mexican. He would win, because why not. But George Jr. got to the presidency first, and despite his fantastic performance over the last eight years, the Liberals would use the sum of their mighty slapping powers to prevent Jeb’s latest Bush presidency. Poor Jeb. But since everyone in this country forgets everything, he can easily run in 2012, which George Jr. today suggested his brother might do. Country, saved. MORE »

Here’s the new Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones website, “Two Chicks Chatting,” where they’re selling videos of their conversations for $1.99 apiece. They accept credit card and PayPal. Among the videos available for purchase: “Paula and the President’s Penis,” “Gennifer’s Story and the Presidential Penis,” and, simply, “Paula and Gennifer Chatting.” Oh boy — and look at those outfits! Latest intelligence still suggests that this is not a hoax. [Two Chicks Chatting]

Welcome to Wonkette’s Hillary Clinton Graduation Pool Party! We have many “hot dogs” for you to eat, and Miller High Life for the adults. But oh, where is the graduate herself, Hillary Clinton? According to the teevee, she is “at least 10 minutes late.” And she’s supposed to deliver the commencement address, just like she did at Wellesley in 1969, a speech bursting with such Boomer idealism and brilliance that it made her national headlines. And then she married Bill Clinton, a shit. Let’s liveblog Hillary’s second commencement address, in which she will endorse Barack Obama, and start her Second Life. MORE »

Tomorrow is quittin’ time for Hillary Clinton, so today she threw a big farewell bash for her 500-person staff at her Georgetown home, Whitehaven Manor Castle, “in the back yard by the swimming pool.” And although Hillary could’ve served the troops just fine, thank you, with her trademark potato salad recipe — which consists of bourbon and no potatoes at all — she donated another $11 million to her campaign for catering! “All morning, workers brought tables, food, and bags of ice through the side gate, assisted by Secret Service agents. Valets helped park cars to keep them off the quiet one-way street.” Oh boy!

UPDATE BELOW: We’re hearing that many sad pandas on Team Clinton didn’t get invited. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Those of us who have been forced (either for vaguely professional reasons or by sheer cussed compulsion) to follow the presidential campaign over the past year or so might use a number of terms or phrases to describe it. “Dreamlike,” perhaps. “Nightmarish,” maybe. Or possibly, “A horrible, violent mescaline hallucination during which we begged God to kill us.” But did the candidates feel the same way? We have some evidence, in cartoon form, that maybe one of them did! MORE »

The nation’s most historic nomination race in the history of History may be coming to an end today, but probably not, because Hillary Clinton can’t call it quits until she has figured out how to get her campaign out of tens of millions of dollars of debt. According to one shadowy source, the reason she’s staying in the race is “not about the vice-presidency or any other position she might get. It’s about the money – in particular the Clinton family money.” She shouldn’t worry too much, though, because a mere eight years ago Bill left office with an estimated $12 million in debt — and presto, after less than a decade of whoring around with Ron Burkle he’s back on top of the world! What will Hillary do to recoup her own debts, short of selling her hair and teeth? MORE »