President Hillary Clinton and her husband, President Bill Clinton, will be staying in the romantical island spot called Bermuda this weekend. You know who else is in Bermuda, right now, and forever? An unfortunate band of Uighurs, who will be conscripted into sexual slavery administering erotic pedicures to the Clintons. Pray for their souls. [Bermuda Sun]

• What will “blogger” mean in five years? Will “blogger” still be synonymous with “unemployed,” or will it have other meanings, like “someone who enjoys sex with dead people” or “a derogatory term for homosexuals”? Or both? Find out! In five years. [Matt Yglesias]
• Jonah Goldberg rightly points out that the Secret Service is not at all concerned about wackos tromping around town hall meetings with assault rifles and ammo belts slung over their shoulders. See: Animal Mother. [The Corner]
• It’s happening TODAY! Today, the White House will be graced by both Mama and Papa Clinton. Bill, Hillary, and Barack, in the same room! It’s the Holy Trinity — like David Vitter, an adult diaper, and a strumpet. This is how magic happens, ladies and gentlemen. [The Caucus]
• Justice Scalia gives some wise end-of-life counseling to a whiny death row inmate, who is “actually” innocent: Die. [Think Progress]
• Do you trust Obama’s slum lords? Of course we do, Michelle. With our lives. [Michelle Malkin]

If you want to see DC’s most famous stars, you are best off visiting exotic locals such as the BWI airport and New York City’s Central Park. There you can find two of the most lovable party hounds in the history of American government! If you must stay in town, though, you might just spot the departing rump of one very famous ex-Clinton staffer … MORE »

Uh oh, Bill Clinton went to “AIPAC for libtards” yesterday, and what did his audience do immediately? Get up and yell about all of those terrible laws against gay people he signed during his presidency: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and the Defense of Marriage Act, the “Gog and Magog” of 1990s federal gay people legislation. First Bill calls the gay shouter (he must be gay, otherwise why would he care about gay rights?) a wingnut, and then explains his rationale for signing those wretched things. Bill Clinton speaks so well that we believe every single word he says! (?) [Slog]

And thank you to the millions of Drudge readers who sent us this terrible screen shot. You have the minds of reptiles.

Former president Bill Clinton gathered together a bunch of his dude friends and celebrated his 63rd birthday in Las Vegas eating steaks cut from the loins of actual angels and topped with a port wine reduction. Guests included rum-soaked popinjay Terry McAuliffe and Steve Bing, that guy who impregnated Liz Hurley once. Clinton’s “real” birthday is August 19. [The Caucus]

Mean old Hillary Clinton went to Africa’s Democratic Republic of the Congo today to discuss god knows what, current giraffe prices? Because it’s Africa?? And while she was taking questions in Kinshasa, some curious “Congolese university student” had the gall to “ask her for her husband’s thinking on an international financial matter.” But instead of just laughing it off with a “Ha ha, you don’t respect women in your country, which is why you have a rape epidemic,” Hillary Clinton murdered the student! MORE »

• CLINTON, GORE BASICALLY HAVE SEX: “They shook hands first, and than hugged for a full five seconds, with Mr. Clinton patting his hand along Mr. Gore’s back and lingering before moving on to greet the waiting family members.” Nothing beats a good grundle-pumping on the tarmac. [NYT]

You know how some business trips end up with everybody naked in the hot tub singing Don’t Stop Believin’, and others end with everybody awkwardly standing around making small talk while furtively glancing at their watches? Bill Clinton’s North Korea summer vacation trip likely falls into the latter category, which is a historical first for Bill Clinton. [The Awl via ... North Korea Propaganda Office, maybe?]

BILL CLINTON SAVES LADIES FROM NORTH KOREA: Uhh, hooray! In a “private mission” rife with secret diplomatic motives and back-door conversations with the U.S. government, Bill Clinton hopped on a jetplane to North Korea, talked up Kim Jong Il for a while, probably offered him exclusive bidding rights to various natural resource contracts in autocratic third-world countries, and won the release of those two American journalists who had been sentenced to HARD LABOR back in March. Okay, Bill Clinton! [CNN]

• Your name is John Ashcroft, and you are in the hospital recovering from life-saving surgery that replaced your gallbladder with a pig’s heart. It’s a good thing you have so many caring friends! Tom Ridge sent you a bald eagle named Freedom, and Karl Rove gave you a beautiful bouquet of fired US attorneys — put those in a vase! And George Bush, well, he personally delivered something very special to your bedside, while you were napping. [TPM]
• Bill Clinton is pledging a fraternity! But what will his frat name be? Chuckles? William Whitebread? Broseph Bill? Spectacular men need spectacular names. Phi Beta Sigma needs your help! [HuffPost]
• Eric Holder says he might consider shaving his mustache off. And Dick Cheney’s secret CIA human organ black market might be investigated. Listen closely, Christian Soldier: the liberals are trying to distract us. The Attorney General ain’t shavin’ nothing, and don’t even worry about Cheney, we’ll find him a new heart. These are just distractions! [RedState]
• America’s leading Orwell scholar Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA) has declared, “Quality health care at an affordable price is gonna kill people.” Yes yes, and 2 + 2 = 5. Stop boring us with the obvious, Broun! You and thousands of other Americans passed 7th grade pre-algebra. [Think Progress]