Tag Archives: bill clinton

  phenomenal woman

Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman, Excellent Human Being, 1928-2014

Maya Angelou died Tuesday at her home in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, following a long illness. She leaves behind a list of accomplishments that threatened to overwhelm headlines: poet, essayist, actress, memoirist, historian, educator, civil rights advocate, Poet Laureate, excellent human being, take your pick. The first of her many memoirs, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, is a true modern classic, the story of her youth in the Jim Crow South, of her being silenced by sexual violence, and of her rediscovery of language. Read more on Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman, Excellent Human Being, 1928-2014…
  One Two Hillary's Coming For You

Larry Klayman Pretty Sure Hillary Will Make You Wish You Had Richard Nixon To Kick Around

When last we saw Larry Klayman, he was pretty worried about how Barack Obama was forcing white people to be racist, and if there were no Bamz, poof! no racism. But since it has been like 10 minutes since Larry had another theory (we use that word so loosely) about what is wrecking ‘Merica, he has popped back up to explain how if Hillary gets elected she is totally worse than Nixon because she has so many more ‘gates to her name, whereas Nixon had just the one. Read more on Larry Klayman Pretty Sure Hillary Will Make You Wish You Had Richard Nixon To Kick Around…
  dear god it's only 2014

Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News

This weekend a scaly, horrifying, rage-addled lizard rose from the depths of its subterranean lair and slithered onto screens all over the country, where it opened its jaw and shrieked high-pitched noises at terrified Americans as it stomped its way across the land, leaving destruction in its wake. Yep, Dick Cheney was on Fox News Sunday again to talk about Hillary Clinton and BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! as if anyone on the planet should give a foamy crap about what Dick Cheney thinks about anything. Read more on Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News…
  we also don't miss flannel

Clinton-Obsessed Swamp Thing Lanny Davis Oozes From Primordial Muck To Weigh In On Benghazi

One specter that has always hovered over a Hillary Clinton campaign for president in 2016 is the possibility — the certainty — that all the old spirits of the 1990s will be conjured up and released into the world to wreak havoc and slime anyone in their way in the political equivalent of shutting down the containment unit in Ghostbusters. All those old “scandals” – Whitewater, Mena Airport, Travelgate, Vince Foster – will get all-new airings in the media, dissected like a Census taker that knocks on Hannibal Lecter’s door. Ugh, we’re getting nauseous just writing this. It also means some of the old faces from the 90s will reappear. (It’s true some of them never went away in the first place, as we’re reminded every time we happen to catch pudgy-faced Jell-O monster Dick Morris sneering his way through an appearance on Fox News.) Last week Monica Lewinsky popped back up for the first time in over a decade, inciting conspiracy theories from Lynne Cheney and one million column ideas plus a raging lady boner for Maureen Dowd. Not long before that, the announcement of Chelsea Clinton’s pregnancy brought back some of those old “Webb Hubbell is Chelsea’s father” stories. We wondered, who would be next? Linda Tripp? Gennifer Flowers? Ghost Socks the cat? Lanny Davis. Of course, it would be goddamn Lanny Davis, crawling out from whatever rock he has been hiding under to insert himself into the BENGHAAAAZI!!11!! flustercuck that has congressional doctors busy writing dozens of prescriptions for amyl nitrites. Read more on Clinton-Obsessed Swamp Thing Lanny Davis Oozes From Primordial Muck To Weigh In On Benghazi…
  no justice like texas justice

Texas So Sad It Can’t Execute Mentally Retarded Guy, Like That Is Even Fair

Just today we got around to reading this New York Times story about how efficient Texas is with killing condemned prisoners, and then the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals put a halt to its next scheduled execution. What on earth could have convinced a federal court to stop our most bloodthirsty state government from carrying out its God-given – and only – talent, the one for quickly and efficiently jabbing men with needles and pumping them full of drugs until they are dead? A convicted murderer was granted a stay of execution by a federal appeals court on Tuesday so the courts could review his claim that he is mentally disabled — a disability, his lawyers argued, that state agencies had long known and concealed. Ho ho, Texas was so gung-ho to execute Robert Campbell it allegedly hid evidence of his mental disability – yes, the dreaded “R” word – until his attorneys dug up the results of a test, performed when Campbell was first imprisoned in 1991, which showed he had an IQ of 71. Somehow, the state’s Department of Criminal Justice failed to release this information the first time defense attorneys requested it … in 2003. Quite an oopsie! Especially since the Supreme Court banned the execution of the mentally disabled back in 2002, a terrible inconvenience for Texas, which has a long-standing policy of either killing its mentally retarded citizens or electing them governor. Read more on Texas So Sad It Can’t Execute Mentally Retarded Guy, Like That Is Even Fair…
  sweet carolina

Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina

Is our favorite vice president of all time, Old Handsome Joe Biden, guzzling some of those five-hour energy drinks we see advertised everywhere? Because word is he went to a Democratic Party fundraiser in South Carolina on Friday night and tore shit up, son. Probably going to be a mini-Democratic baby boom down in that area in about nine months. Not that OHJB has eyes for anyone except Dr. Jill. It’s just that his raw animal magnetism is such that he can make a lady pregnant with his eyes. He’s that awesome. OHJB was actually in Columbia to deliver the commencement speech at the University of South Carolina but took the time to head to the fundraiser and rally the troops. While there, he gave a speech that attendees described to CNN as “populist” and “Elizabeth Warren-like,” hitting on themes of how the middle class is still struggling economically while corporations are more beholden to their stockholders than their employees. OHJB channeling Liz Warren? Are your panties a total loss yet? Read more on Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina…
  this is good news for john mccain

Fox News Has Exciting New Vanity Fair/Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky Conspiracy Theory!

It was a sad day across the Fox News Channel yesterday as the re-emergence of Monica Lewinsky and her coming essay about her long-ago affair with Bill Clinton knocked the BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! “scandal” out of the headlines, forcing the leprous sacks of skin that anchor Fox’s shows to talk about something else for five minutes. And because it is Fox, there had to be a conspiracy theory angle in there somewhere. For example, the hosts of The Five decided to flex their superior intellectual muscles on the question of why now, after all these years, has Monica decided to break her silence. Andrea Tantaros noted that there were lots of conspiracy theories out there (by “out there” she presumably meant in the Fox newsroom) and then asked Eric Bolling for his opinion. Read more on Fox News Has Exciting New Vanity Fair/Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky Conspiracy Theory!…
  i seem nice

It Is Time For Us All To Stop Making Fun Of Monica Lewinsky, By Monica Lewinsky

Heard any good jokes lately? No. No you haven’t. Because it has been twenty years-ish (?) since Peewee Herman got busted bustin’ in that porn theater, and I got busted … well you know. I am the last time a joke happened. That was me. Well, now I am back, to tell my story for money, because I have not been able to get a job in all that time except for the one time I designed purses, which everyone laughed at, because I’m such a big joke. I have been a global punchline since I was 22 years old probably, not sure, would have to look it up. I have been unemployable, undateable, and about 15 years early for the crusade against slut-shaming. That would have been nice. Am I sorry that my sluttiness occurred on someone else’s husband’s dick? I assume so, probably, sure! But you just try to tell me you wouldn’t have been all up in the Big Dog’s crotch, and I will call you a liar to your face. It was exciting! He’s a charismatic fellow! And you have been jizzed on by so much worse. Read more on It Is Time For Us All To Stop Making Fun Of Monica Lewinsky, By Monica Lewinsky…
  bang-banghazi

Allen West Explains How Crimea Made Obama Do The Fort Hood Shootings

See if you can follow the logic on this one, kids: On Fox’s Hannity Wednesday night, automated mobile grievance unit Allen West suggested that the Fort Hood shootings were the inevitable result of Barack Obama’s failure to recognize that America has international enemies. Now, by the time the program aired, it was pretty clear that Ivan Lopez wasn’t connected to any terrorist group, but why not drag terrorism into the equation anyway? “If your only tool is a hammer,” and you’re a tool yourself, etc. Hannity asked the disgraced former torturer if Fort Hood resulted from forgetting that there’s evil in this bad old world: Let me go to the big picture about combatting evil in our time and this goes back to “man-caused disasters, overseas contingency operations,” that Major Hasan was “workplace violence.” Have we gotten too far away from 9/11 that we don’t remember the impact of that day? We’re frankly rather surprised he didn’t shoehorn Benghazi in there, too. Read more on Allen West Explains How Crimea Made Obama Do The Fort Hood Shootings…
  give her her propers

Put On A Fancy Hat And Sing ‘America’ For Aretha Franklin’s Birthday

What can we say about Aretha Franklin? It’s her birthday! Queen of Soul! We can tell you that if you don’t already own a heaping helping of her records, you should clicky clicky on over to Amazon and pick up Rhino’s fantastic box set, The Queen of Soul which has five CDs of Aretha goodness for a whopping $29. Read more on Put On A Fancy Hat And Sing ‘America’ For Aretha Franklin’s Birthday…
  celebrity jeopardy

Washed-Up Has-Been Newt Gingrich Tired Of Famous-For-Nothing Hillary Clinton Getting So Much Attention

Normally, we rely on our sister site, HappyNiceTimePeople.com, to cover people who are famous for being famous. But every now and then, some no-talent celebrity decides to wade into politics, despite a complete lack of resume and credentials, and we are forced to mock them back to the realm of do-nothingness. Giant-headed moon enthusiast Newt Gingrich helpfully brought the latest sad sack wanna-be politician to our attention, per Raw Story: “First Lady, Senator, Secretary Clinton is very famous for being famous,” Gingrich opined. “And as long as she can continue to be famous, she will be famous.” Seriously, what has Hillary accomplished? No famous parents and not even one sex tape! Preach on, Newt. Preach on.  Read more on Washed-Up Has-Been Newt Gingrich Tired Of Famous-For-Nothing Hillary Clinton Getting So Much Attention…
  clipbait

Watch Jimmy Kimmel Keep Poking Hillary Clinton With A Stick (Video)

So here’s Jimmy Kimmel just cold prodding Hillary Clinton again and again to ask her if she’s going to run for president, almost past the point of discomfort. The little dance between interviewers and (possible) candidate is the focus of the whole bit, and Kimmel pushes the will-she-or-not tease as hard as we’ve ever seen. It’s actually kind of fascinating to see Hillary try to come up with additional non-answer answers after her initial “I’m weighing all the things, you know?” And then Kimmel pushes one more time. Read more on Watch Jimmy Kimmel Keep Poking Hillary Clinton With A Stick (Video)…
  standing athwart history yelling

Black Conservative Lady Is So Mad About Barack Obama, Does Not Seem To Be Sure Why

We are so filled with self-loathing for having started reading this one-kazillion word Crystal Wright screed about Obama’s new “My Brother’s Keeper” program. Though it is a hellacious slog, we are impressed that she manages to keep up her incoherent rage for that long without collapsing on the ground in a squalling child fit, so good on her. You may remember Ms. Wright from such Wonkette hits as “black people can’t swim so don’t let them be lifeguards” so you know she is quality. Before we get into the meat of Wright’s temper tantrum, let’s talk a moment about what she is SO MAD about. Last week, Bamz unveiled a public-private partnership dealio that said oh hey it would be cool if government and business and schools worked together to increase the success and responsible behavior of young black men. This does not seem like a thing conservatives would be mad at, because better jobs + better opportunities = less broken families and poverty so there is really no downside fiscally or morally but of course Wright is mad because oh christ we have no idea why she is mad. Read more on Black Conservative Lady Is So Mad About Barack Obama, Does Not Seem To Be Sure Why…
  luntzing it up

Free Republic Deep Thinkers Too Smart For Hillary’s Leftist Mind-Control Agents

OMG guise! They are on to us! A post by “Chickensoup” on Free Republic today has uncovered the ugly truth! Leftists like to control the vocabulary and the discourse. Leftists have decided to amputate the word Clinton from the name of Hillary Clinton, wife of Bill Clinton, our former president. No self-respecting conservative should EVER use the name Hillary without the mandatory last name, Clinton. She carries all the baggage that the name Hillary Clinton provides. Do not be manipulated by leftists, use her whole name. If headline space is an issue I recommend: Mrs. Clinton. Damn it all to hell! Our brilliant plan, exposed for all to see! Otherwise, nobody would have ever been reminded who she’s married to! [SFX: gnashing teeth] Read more on Free Republic Deep Thinkers Too Smart For Hillary’s Leftist Mind-Control Agents…
  'clinton death list' would be a good band name

Megyn Kelly Interviews Kathleen Willey About Why Hillary Clinton Murders Everyone All The Time

Assuming that Hillary Clinton runs for President, here’s a sample of what we can look forward to for the next two years: an endless Fox News rehashing of Bill Clinton’s peckerdilloes and all the related weirdness that followed. And by interviewing Kathleen Willey Tuesday night on Fox, thought leader Megyn Kelly is apparently setting the tone for 2016. Willey is a real blast from the past: she’s a conspiracy theorist with a long history of seemingly horrifying accusations against the Clintons that have never been substantiated. But they’re pretty sensational, all right, so she was the perfect person to put the spotlight on. She led off the interview with today’s rightwing Money Quote: “Hillary Clinton is the War On Women.” No need to explain exactly what that means (it means she didn’t cut Bill’s dick off like she should have), and don’t expect any details in this meandering interview — poor Ms. Willey is recovering from neck surgery, and so her head is a little floppy; don’t be mean about it. But that line, oh that line — it is a beautiful statement of vapid spite that will fit perfectly on a bumper sticker, right next to your Sons of the Confederacy license plate. Read more on Megyn Kelly Interviews Kathleen Willey About Why Hillary Clinton Murders Everyone All The Time…
  l'affaire obama

Beyonce And Barack Probably Le Boning, Says France

Remember back last week when we had some explosive totally fake news about how Big Bill Clinton totally did Elizabeth Hurley, but it was a lie from a completely drug-addled Tom Sizemore? Yeah, that is so over. The new hottness is that Bamz is totally getting it on with Beyonce. Today in WHAT?????!!!!, a French photographer named Pascal Rostain claims that the President of the United States of America, Barack Obama, is embroiled in a love affair with internationally famous pop star Beyoncé. Oh, and we’re going to read about it in the Washington Post tomorrow. Now, we are not endorsing stepping out and seriously, when you’ve got FLOTUS at home, why would you, but damn, if you’re going to cheat, Bey is the way to go. Although there is that pesky part where Beyonce is married to Jay-Z, who is probably not above cold-cocking the president or ordering a hit or whatever. Read more on Beyonce And Barack Probably Le Boning, Says France…
  yeah that's gonna happen

Rand Paul Wants Dems To Give Back All Their Filthy Bill Clinton Sex Money

Sen. Rand Paul is just sick of the Democrats doing war on women by tolerating the continued existence of Bill Clinton, the sexual predator who had a consensual affair with a lady who worked for him (this is the only real instance of workplace sexual harassment in history, according to Republicans). And so he is calling on all Democrats who have ever raised money with Clinton to return it immediately to protest the notorious anti-woman blowjobs of 20 years ago. Seems reasonable! Read more on Rand Paul Wants Dems To Give Back All Their Filthy Bill Clinton Sex Money…
  leaders of the free world behaving badly

Oh Yeah, Rupert Murdoch’s Wife Wendi Deng Was Absolutely Getting Porked By Tony Blair Gross

We’ve been consumed — CONSUMED — with the notion that Wendi Deng, the decades-younger ladywife of Freedom Hero Rupert Murdoch, was totally getting porked by British lapdog to the stars Tony Blair. But did we have the means to prove it? Fuck no. Thank God Vanity Fair is here to give this story the kind of in-depth shoeleather investigative reporting it needed. Read more on Oh Yeah, Rupert Murdoch’s Wife Wendi Deng Was Absolutely Getting Porked By Tony Blair Gross…
  put a sock in it

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Everyone Just Pipe Down Edition

Happy Super Sportsball Sunday! Go read the Times’s one million pages of regular sports coverage AND thinkpieces about the Super Bowl! Or don’t. Go read about Chris Christie! Or just read what we wrote about Christie already. Definitely read the Dylan Farrow letter from yesterday and then promptly go fight with everyone on the internet about it. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Everyone Just Pipe Down Edition…
  make it work

Laura Bush, Feminist Hero: When There Is A First Gentleman, We Should Fat-Shame Him And Laugh At His Clothes

We usually don’t get around to praising Laura Bush much in these parts. Our feelings on her tend to run the gamut from “meh” to “oh, do shut up.” But we are pretty into her latest interview, where she says that she would be totally down with scrutinizing a future First Gentleman the way we now dissect everything that FLOTUS wears, what makeup she rocks, and how she gets her hair did. Former first lady Laura Bush proposed that the future first gentleman should get the same scrutiny about his looks and style as first ladies have faced in recent decades. Asked in a recent C-SPAN interview whether the media focuses too much on the first lady’s hair, makeup and clothes, Bush said, “Yes. For sure.” “But I don’t think we can get around it. Maybe when we finally have a first gentleman,” she said. The interview was taped for C-SPAN’s continuing First Ladies series and airs Monday. “And maybe we should be that way about the first gentlemen, also, really critique the way they look all the time. Their choice of tie, or their hair style. Whatever. Or maybe their weight,” she said. Read more on Laura Bush, Feminist Hero: When There Is A First Gentleman, We Should Fat-Shame Him And Laugh At His Clothes…
  the democrats have always been at war with the women

Rand Paul, Joe Scarborough: It Is Probably Hillary’s Fault Bill Clinton Got That Beej

In case you missed it because you were sleeping off your Saturday hangover, or had something better to do like watching paint dry, Sen. Rand “Aqua Buddha” Paul mansplained, as only a Republican can, how there isn’t really a war on women, except there is, but Democrats started it. (Also, he’s rubber, you’re glue, and YOUR MOM. Oh SNAP!) Oh, and the war that isn’t a war except it’s a war by Democrats is over now, the women won because his niece goes to Cornell, let us weep for the men. If that sounds like the same old arglebargle we’re always hearing from Republicans, it is. But Paul offered a new twist: The war on women that is not a war on women but is a war on women except that it is over now was started by Bill Clinton getting a blowjob, and that means Hillary cannot be president. WHAT?!? you say. Surely, you must be joking! No, we are not joking, and don’t call us Shirley. He really said it! Read more on Rand Paul, Joe Scarborough: It Is Probably Hillary’s Fault Bill Clinton Got That Beej…
  big box office boredom

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Chris Christie Implosion/Mitt Romney Monotony Double Feature

You don’t even need to open this week’s Sunday New York Times to know that it is going to be wall-to-wall Chris Christie. First there was the news that he may have blocked Hurricane Sandy aid to Hoboken because the mayor there didn’t love Chris Christie’s real estate development as much as she should have, With those revelations, Christie’s transformation into out-of-control mob boss continues apace. Next up: Chris Christie kneecaps all of Trenton for failing to pay him protection money. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Chris Christie Implosion/Mitt Romney Monotony Double Feature…