Tag Archives: bill clinton

  Born Arky sneering at you from just the other side of the Mississippi

Arkansas Does Not Need Your Gay Business, Gays!

Oh, we are SNEERING at our home state of Arkansas right now, so hard. You see, we grew up in Little Rock during the days of Bill Clinton, back when Arkansas was Democrat Tuff, in a very blue dog way of course, but never mind. Now it’s been overrun by the same extremist wingnuts who have taken over state legislatures and governors’ mansions all over the South and beyond, with all the stupid that naturally follows those takeovers. Right now, Arkansas is ready to let a horrid, stupid bill become law, SB 202, wherein towns and hamlets and cozy, scenic criks will be banned from passing ordinances protecting LGBT citizens from discrimination. Why this big government intrusion from Little Rock? Because, of course, gays are gross, and we have to protect reg’lar Arkansans from the “chaos” that would ensue if LGBT people were treated equally: Read more on Arkansas Does Not Need Your Gay Business, Gays!…
  There probably won't be any winners

Here Is Your Presidents Day Caption Contest, For You To Suck At

Seriously, you people
OK, people, you know how this works. Here is a photograph. (Look up, dummies.) You will attempt to write a caption for it in the comments, which we do not allow. You will probably suck at it, because whenever we give you fun photos to caption, you write the worst goddamned captions imaginable, we would fire all of you if we could, sheesh. And no, we do not understand what your problem is, you are so funny all the other times in the comments, which we do not allow. Why else do you think we keep you around? Read more on Here Is Your Presidents Day Caption Contest, For You To Suck At…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: The Economy’s Pretty Good, So Let’s Shut Down The Government

Get it? 'Going up'? Look, they can't all be inspired. -- The Maddow graphics team.
Hey, look! Turns out the economy’s doing pretty well, what with yet another good jobs report and some pretty nice economic growth charts for Democratic presidents — even that Obama fellow, except of course for that unpleasantness in 2009 that started under some other guy: 2014 has seen more jobs created than in any year since 1999, which seems like a pretty compelling reason to fire all the Democrats in Congress last month. But despite their electoral gain, Republicans seem pretty confused about what to do next — so as they are traditionally required to, they are going to war with each other. Read more on Morning Maddow: The Economy’s Pretty Good, So Let’s Shut Down The Government…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Sorry, Barry, Lamest Lame Ducks Ever Giving Up On Confirming Loretta Lynch (Video)

Thanks a lot, Senate Dems -- you've made Rachel wear her 'I can't believe this shit' face.
Yr Wonkette would just like to remind you that it’s awfully early in the day to start drinking. For some reason, that snippet of advice occurs to us as we bring you Rachel Maddow’s lead story from Tuesday night: Looks like Democrats in the Senate won’t even bother to try confirming Loretta Lynch as attorney general during the 15 days of work left to them in the lame duck session of Congress (The Hill and Politico are reporting much the same). Read more on Morning Maddow: Sorry, Barry, Lamest Lame Ducks Ever Giving Up On Confirming Loretta Lynch (Video)…
 

All-Knowing, Omnipotent Chuck Todd Says God Or Obama Is Dead (Same Difference)

Chuck Todd loves nothing more to magisterially pronounce the end of things (and then sheepishly apologize). A few weeks ago, he determined, in his usual godlike way, that Alison Lundergan Grimes had “disqualified” herself for the U.S. Senate by refusing to answer a question about who she’d voted for. (Considering she was an Obama delegate, it was probably Obama, but WHO CAN EVER KNOW???) Read more on All-Knowing, Omnipotent Chuck Todd Says God Or Obama Is Dead (Same Difference)…
  senioritis

Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose

Image via YouTube With a little over a week to go before Election Day, Scott Walker is increasingly a man in need of a helping hand. His once-certain re-election as King of Wisconsin has taken up residence in every pollster’s “no idea, don’t ask us” box, the U.S. Supreme Court cruelly dashed his hopes of excluding thousands of largely Democratic voters from the polls, a new batch of documents just dropped from the investigation that’s taken down a half-dozen of his underlings and cronies, and his opponent Mary Burke has been landing punches (with ads) and drawing big crowds with visits from a string of Democratic superstars. Read more on Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose…
 

Andrea Mitchell Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Giving the orders for BENGHAZI?????!?!!!!?
Have you heard the story about the president who got a blowjob from a lady who wasn’t his wife? Sure you did. Because that blowjob would be old enough to drive a car by now, and lots of hack “journalists” cut their teeth typing out the scintillating details of semen stains and cigars. Which is why they are the one subspecies on this planet, and probably any other in the universe, that can never forget. The world marches on, a president leaves office, another one steals his seat, then another takes his place — but the Very Serious Journalists will never let go of The Blowjob. Read more on Andrea Mitchell Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things…
  Slop Goes The Needle

Looks Like It’s Time To Execute Another Mentally Ill Guy, For Justice

Not sure this makes a point about the story -- mostly just wanted to execute a Lego figure.
We know you’re all sick of Ebola and ISIS, so here’s a pick-me-up: Texas is fixing to execute Scott Pannetti, who is so disconnected from reality that he buried a sofa and other furniture in his yard because he was sure the Devil was in it. He murdered his in-laws in 1992, in front of his estranged wife and infant daughter — his wife had left him two years earlier, after he threatened her with a cavalry sword. He turned himself in to the police and explained the killing was the fault of “Sarge,” one of the people in his hallucinations. By the time of the killings, Panetti had been “diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, delusions, auditory hallucinations, and manic depression, and had been hospitalized 14 times.” Read more on Looks Like It’s Time To Execute Another Mentally Ill Guy, For Justice…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He's always been a great dancer
Would you like to start your day with some laughs, some tears, or maybe just go straight to the drinking? Of course you would! And we are here to help. You know things in Ferguson have gotten really ugly when CNN’s Don Lemon almost got arrested: Read more on Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  electile dysfunction

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books With The Accuracy Of A Florida Election

Hey, folks, are you ready to relive the 2000 election? As if some of us didn’t spend most of 2000 through 2008 doing that already? Go dimple your chads, because it’s time for some butterfly ballots, Christian-textbook style! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books With The Accuracy Of A Florida Election…
  jay leno monologues were more educational

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are Close, But No Cigar

Here we are kids, at the lowest point* of the Clinton administration: the Lewinsky affair and impeachment. But how are textbooks for the fundamentalist Christian homeschool market supposed to approach the topic? On the one hand, there’s big Presidential Sin, but on the other, S-E-X. Not all that surprisingly, our middle-school textbook skirts the details, while our high-school text looks mostly at the legal case, not the affair. Neither mentions a blue dress or a blowjob, though in that delicacy, we should note that they’re in line with secular texts. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are Close, But No Cigar…
  come whine with me

Daily Caller Bombshell: Obamas Still Refusing To Take Greyhound Bus To Hawaii

The Daily Caller proved conclusively this weekend that Barack and Michelle Obama are the most pampered, spoiled, wasteful Imperial President and First Lady ever in the history of America, mostly by throwing out a whole lot of big numbers and suggesting that they’re shocking. The headline, “The Obamas Have Spent Over $44,351,777.12 In Taxpayer Cash On Travel” gets things started, using an absolutely infallible number from the highly reliable wingnut organization Judicial Watch, whose total is cited but not linked to, but that’s OK, you don’t need the details. Why, $44 million over five and a half years is a lot of vacations! And travel on official business, which the number also includes, without any actual breakdown of the two amounts. Heck, those five years of travel work out to just under 7 1/2 hours of the Iraq War, which just goes to show you (once again) how Barack Obama has no regard for We, The People’s muneez. Read more on Daily Caller Bombshell: Obamas Still Refusing To Take Greyhound Bus To Hawaii…
  if money is speech he sure was loud

Richard Mellon Scaife Dies, Gets Chance To Compare Notes With Vince Foster

Richard Mellon Scaife, the guy who made a career of inheriting billions from his banking and oil industry forebears and then blowing it on hating the Clintons in the 1990s, died Friday of cancer. Scaife was a central contributor to rightwing attacks on the Clintons, and gave the American Spectator almost $2 million for the “Arkansas Project,” which found pretty much nothing about Bill Clinton’s non-crimes in the Whitewater real estate scandal, and which expanded into the wackaloon idea that the Clintons murdered Vince Foster. Scaife also was instrumental in founding former Wonkette advertiser Newsmax, so we feel compelled to say “So long, and thanks for all the greasy misspent rightwing moneez.” Read more on Richard Mellon Scaife Dies, Gets Chance To Compare Notes With Vince Foster…
  lies damned lies and a beka book

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People

Better fire up your modems and log into your AOL account (or Prodigy for you hipsters). Time for another look at the ruinous near-decade of prosperity under Bill Clinton, as refracted through the Truthiness Lens of rightwing Christian textbooks. This week, foreign affairs! (And next week, we’ll get to the other kind.) Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People…
  smells like teen spiritual decline

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence

Put on a plaid flannel shirt and break out your Nirvana CDs, kids, because our rightwing Christian textbooks are looking at the ’90s: Bill Clinton is the president, and America is in deep moral decline, because didn’t you just read the name of the president? Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence…
  america's nightmare of peace and prosperity

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Feel Your Pain

Pop quiz time! (If you need to review last week’s lesson, you may.) Here is an actual review question from our 8th-grade American History textbook from Christian publisher A Beka, America: Land I Love (2006): “What Communist leader toured America in 1990?” Now, you filthy liberals may think the correct answer would be Mikhail Gorbachev, or possibly if you’re a big trivia buff, Jiang Zemin, but you would be wrong. Obviously, the huge commie they’re talking about is Nelson Mandela. And that’s why we love these textbooks. Their idea of what needs to be emphasized always manages to surprise us. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Feel Your Pain…
  this digression will not stand man

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Do Not Like Broccoli

After a million weeks on Ronald Reagan, the Greatest President Ever, our survey of a couple of rightwing Christian textbooks will devote about 1500 words to his successor, George Herbert Walker Kennebunkport Milli Vanilli Bush, the 41st President and only the second-worst President named “George Bush.” And Happy Father’s Day to a very middling president whose son managed to make him look like a freakin’ statesman. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Do Not Like Broccoli…
  the rich go broke differently from you and me

Oh Look, Hillary Clinton Is Being A Dick Again

Oh, Hillary. Why’d you have to go and say that you and Bill were “dead broke” when you left the White House in 2001? In an interview Monday with Diane Sawyer, Hillz said, “We came out of the White House not only dead broke, but in debt. We had no money when we got there, and we struggled to, you know, piece together the resources for mortgages, for houses, for Chelsea’s education. You know, it was not easy.” It was not easy indeed, piecing together the mortgages for those two multimillion-dollar homes with just the promise of a piddling $12 million or so to come from Bill Clinton’s golden pen (his penis). HOW DID THEY LIVE? Read more on Oh Look, Hillary Clinton Is Being A Dick Again…
  phenomenal woman

Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman, Excellent Human Being, 1928-2014

Maya Angelou died Tuesday at her home in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, following a long illness. She leaves behind a list of accomplishments that threatened to overwhelm headlines: poet, essayist, actress, memoirist, historian, educator, civil rights advocate, Poet Laureate, excellent human being, take your pick. The first of her many memoirs, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, is a true modern classic, the story of her youth in the Jim Crow South, of her being silenced by sexual violence, and of her rediscovery of language. Read more on Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman, Excellent Human Being, 1928-2014…
  One Two Hillary's Coming For You

Larry Klayman Pretty Sure Hillary Will Make You Wish You Had Richard Nixon To Kick Around

When last we saw Larry Klayman, he was pretty worried about how Barack Obama was forcing white people to be racist, and if there were no Bamz, poof! no racism. But since it has been like 10 minutes since Larry had another theory (we use that word so loosely) about what is wrecking ‘Merica, he has popped back up to explain how if Hillary gets elected she is totally worse than Nixon because she has so many more ‘gates to her name, whereas Nixon had just the one. Read more on Larry Klayman Pretty Sure Hillary Will Make You Wish You Had Richard Nixon To Kick Around…
  dear god it's only 2014

Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News

This weekend a scaly, horrifying, rage-addled lizard rose from the depths of its subterranean lair and slithered onto screens all over the country, where it opened its jaw and shrieked high-pitched noises at terrified Americans as it stomped its way across the land, leaving destruction in its wake. Yep, Dick Cheney was on Fox News Sunday again to talk about Hillary Clinton and BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! as if anyone on the planet should give a foamy crap about what Dick Cheney thinks about anything. Read more on Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News…