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Posts Tagged “Bill Clinton”

world's biggest asshole

Bill Clinton Is A Petulant Jerk


Jesus, did anybody ever like this guy? Well, whatever "good will" he established by, uh, having an affair with a fat gal in the Oval Office, that's all long gone. Now, there is only this shouty red-faced old man who is going to personally argue with every old hillbilly lady that Hillary has carefully courted all year. [YouTube/CBS News]

nightmare scenarios

All About Obama's Greek Cannibal Foes

Harold Meyerson has lost his mind, and now he is writing insane jabber about Cronus and the swallowing of babies, and how Hillary and Bill Clinton are a two-headed Cronus while Jeremiah Wright is just a lame old one-headed Cronus. In this carefully thought-out electoral scenario, Barack Obama plays the rapist swan. [Washington Post]

wilting support

Cruel Bill Clinton Mocks Fainting Ladies, Old People, Others

Bill Clinton laughed and laughed at people who fainted during one of his interminable speeches in the fetid North Carolinian heat, and this is yet another reason he should not be elected president again. [AP]

gross

Bill Clinton Has Creepy Metal Frog Fetish

Hillary Clinton did a very personable interview in the latest issue of People magazine, which made a one-time exception in this case to feature a robot. When Hillary was asked what her last present to Bill was, she responded, "I give him little mementos I find. He's collected frogs a long time, and I found a metal frog that I thought was cute." And now Bill Clinton's metal frog is filing a sex harassment lawsuit against him, in Arkansas. [The Caucus]

hillary's obama's father?

Begun These Dork Wars Have


"Well, the Empire doesn't consider a small one-man fighter to be any threat, or they'd have a tighter defense. An analysis of the plans provided by Joe Andrew has demonstrated a weakness in the battle station. But the approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the station. Only a precise hit will set off a chain reaction. The shaft is ray-shielded, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes."

indiana

What Clinton's People Really Think About Indiana

You may recall that Hillary's husband Bill was president for a while in the 1990s, and that is why Hillary gets to run for president but never actually win. This clip highlights a moment on the trail during the 1992 election, where a hilariously '90s-outfitted James Carville and George Stephanopoulos are checking out the latest polling figures. In steps Mickey Kantor, the chairman of Bill's campaign, to express his views on the good blue-collars of Indiana. They are not only the pride and soul of America, according to the subtitles, but they are also "shit" and "white niggers." The most offensive part is pretty sketchy, considering you can't see anybody actually saying this. UPDATE: Kantor denies, Conspiracy! More »

email of the day

'Why Can't I Find This Crazy Thing I Am Sending To You?'

From: Will Duke
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Tue, Apr 29, 2008 at 10:13 AM

Why can't I find any coverage of the upcoming fraud case against the Clintons? It's set for october and would surely hurt the the democrat's chances if she's the nominee...
More »

demons

Hillary Replaces Bill With Gaffe-Proof Clinton Robot


Hillary has a new "Clinton" on the campaign trail who is incapable of making terrible racist remarks, because it is a dead "balloon doll" that cannot say anything at all. Bill Clinton has been locked in some lunatic's basement in Austria until Hillary somehow manages to take the nomination from Jeremiah Wright. [AP Photo]

not friends anymore

Clintons To Emerge From Campaign '08 Triumphant And Friendless

Once Hillary Clinton sews up the Democratic nomination and wins the White House, she will be inviting exactly no one to her dinner parties because all of Washington will be dead to her. You see, the Clintons have a reputation for freezing out friends and associates who displease them — and this ever-widening circle will include 49.9% of America by the time Hillary gets sworn in. More »

WE ALSO USED TO LIKE BILL CLINTON: "The headquarters of my foundation is in Harlem .... My Presidential library and school of public service are in Arkansas .... I try to save this generation of children from the epidemic of childhood obesity .... I am working on rebuilding the Katrina area in New Orleans .... I have major global-warming projects in cities all around America .... Most of the time I am out in America on the street .... I once gave a speech to a million people in Ghana." [New Yorker]

coveted endorsements

Fake 'West Wing' President Martin Sheen Endorses Obama Instead Of Old Fan Bill Clinton's Wife!

Since his first choice for President didn't work out and now spends his days angrily catfighting with James Carville on CNN, President Josiah "Martin Estevez Sheen" Bartlet has found solace in the arms of Barack Obama. But just like his old crush Bill Richardson, he is afraid that former "Real President" Bill Clinton will be mad at him — so he made his announcement overseas in England where none of the English-speaking public would let slip this shocking revelation. More »

judas and the rat

Carville And Richardson Continue To Slap Each Other With Various Words

Priggish Acadian fur-trader James Carville appeared on Larry King Live last night with his mortal enemy, fat Mexican ex-presidential candidate Bill Richardson, to Assess the Race. Carville had famously called Richardson "Judas Iscariot" after the latter endorsed Barack Obama, because Bill Clinton gave Richardson two or three of his 80,000 stupid jobs in the 1990s and now he won't even support the damn wife's campaign. The two continued fighting each other last night, most notably when Carville makes fun of Richardson's tropical beach vacation. Video after the jump. More »

wrasslin' folk

The Other Hillary-Barack Wrestling Match


After the actual candidates' messages to World Wrestling Entertainment's viewers, there was a fake match — the first fake match in Wrestling History — featuring two faux candidates. What else to say? Our tipster sums it up nicely: "In an election cycle where wrestler endorsements are announced with fanfare, and public statements on WWE and American Idol, this is not the most disheartening low-culture moment of the campaign. But I did yearn for Bill Clinton to come back so we can farcically caricature politicians in ways that won't lead us into a prolonged round of headshaking. The amatuer wrestler portraying Bill is the saving grace of the day the profession of politics died." It is the most authentic moment of the past seven weeks, years, or decades. [YouTube]

stfu

Bill Clinton Charms PA Blacks With Latest Race Talk

Here is something Bill Clinton can't do: Shut his fat mouth. Even as the Pennsylvania people are finally voting, the former president continues to make an ass of himself, make Hillary look terrible and basically bring shame to the Democrats and the entire nation. Guess what he's talking about, again? How Barack Obama is like that Jesse Jackson, that's what! More »

running with the devil

Hillary Clinton Also Worships Satan

All presidents and all presidential family members worship Satan, so it's no surprise that Drudge currently has this lovely photo of Hillary Clinton making the "Hook 'em Horns" heavy metal hand gesture that proves allegiance to the God of Politics, Satan. Let's look at all the presidents praising their Satanic Majesty, after the jump. More »

must be some votin up in here

It's Hillary's Friends, And Stephanie Tubbs Jones Shouting!

Here is some video from last night's Hillary Clinton rally at the University of Pennsylvania, including Stephanie Tubbs Jones getting fired up and having a verbal hernia. There's a cappella and some cameraman giving Liz the middle finger. Then the Mayor of Philadelphia, Michael Nutter, says "MUST BE SOME VOTIN GETTIN READY TO HAPPEN UP IN HERE." Then Chelsea comes on and says "my mom and my dad blah blah blah, I am the human in this family." Then Bill Clinton lies, he lies a lot. You've never heard someone lie more in your life than you have Bill Clinton at a rally for his wife. But he sounds so nice, still. Then they play a song from the Ford commercials, the end.

pennsylvania primary 2008, forever

It's Chelsea And Three Dudes!

Here's Chelsea onstage with the cocksucker father of hers, Governor Ed "I Teach Here So Why Are You All Pretending To Be Excited About My Appearance" Rendell, and that black Philadelphia mayor who for some reason doesn't support Obama. Ed Rendell says, "I'll pass it over to Chelsea, who's got some 'splainin' to do." Like Ricky Ricardo! But what does it mean? Maybe Chelsea will 'Splain why all these people are here for Hillary when she's already lost the election. Either way, the crowd goes wild. They are drooling like fools.

frenemies

Meet The Clintons' 7 Most Despised Former Friends!

The Clintons have been in politics for so long that even their shit list has a shit list. And that exclusive Who's Who of former friends has only grown as this soul-deadening primary season drags its festering carcass ever closer to the finish line (sometime next year, we think?). Let's review the top seven lucky people who won't be getting Christmas cards from Bill and Hillary this year, unless those Christmas cards are stuffed with anthrax. More »