Tag Archives: bill clinton

  Euphemisms!

Sexy Bill Clinton Turns Sexy 69 Haw Haw Get It SEX JOKES!

Insert your SEX JOKES William Jefferson Clinton, aka Bill, aka Big Dawg, aka The Clenis, aka the future first man-lady of America, was born on a day that was exactly 69 years ago from this day, Aug. 19, and according to a little-known codicil in the corporate charter of Yr Wonkette — which we do not have, what are we, a frickin’ Fortune 500 company? STFU and just go with it — we are contractually, legally, and biblically obligated to makes some sexy sex jokes, about sex, for your sextainment. Read more on Sexy Bill Clinton Turns Sexy 69 Haw Haw Get It SEX JOKES!…
  Unofficial birthday itinerary

Happy 54th, President Obama! You’re Still The Kenyan Muslim Infiltrator OF OUR HEARTS!

Happy birthday, you young thing!
On this day 54 years ago, the long foretold Barack Hussein Obama was born in a remote field in Indokenyamuslimstan, the love child of the Prophet Muhammad and Beyoncé, who is a lot older than she looks. Everybody was so excited! Three wise men came from afar, not bearing gifts, but simply a scroll containing the Illuminati’s plan for how the baby boy would one day infiltrate US America and turn it gay, for Marxism. And then he grew up and the prophecies were fulfilled! Well, most of them anyway. He still has to do the part where he takes away all the guns and declares himself president of America forever, times infinity. Read more on Happy 54th, President Obama! You’re Still The Kenyan Muslim Infiltrator OF OUR HEARTS!…
  Here Is The Church Here Is The Steeple...Damn!

African American Churches Sure Burning Down A Lot, Probably War on Christians

Yes, we know none of the churches were in Mississippi. But YOU try finding a movie called 'Georgia,Tennessee, Florida and Both Carolinas Burning'
This is a bad thing: Six African American churches have been burned, since the June 17 murders of nine people at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, and arson is suspected in at least three of the fires. The FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives are investigating, and while there’s no evidence yet that the fires are connected (and accidental causes are suspected in two fires), four Southern black churches burning within a week of a racist murder seems statistically unlikely to be pure random chance. Read more on African American Churches Sure Burning Down A Lot, Probably War on Christians…
  Trump endorses Clinton

Donald Trump Says Bill Clinton Was Best, Classiest President Ever, Too Bad About Hillary’s Age

Thinking face.
Donald Trump, who is so FOR REAL a serious contender for US American president in 2016, has a favorite president of his own, and it is Bill Clinton. WHAT? But we thought Trump was a super Republican, here to Make America Great Again™, after evil tyrant Democrat Barack Obama ruined it! But yes, it is true, Bill Clinton was Trump’s favorite recent president, at least until Donald Trump becomes president, and also Clinton would have been an even better president if he hadn’t met all those whores. Trump told all this to Joe “Morning Joe” Scarborough, on the “Morning Joe” program Thursday morning: Read more on Donald Trump Says Bill Clinton Was Best, Classiest President Ever, Too Bad About Hillary’s Age…
  Wonkette Music Hour

Here’s A Few More Lefty Neil Young Songs For Donald Trump To F*ck Right Off To

Not pictured: Neil Young flipping Donald Trump off behind his back.
It’s the same old story. Asshole wingnut decides to run for president, decides that the song he’s ALWAYS wanted to use is this lefty liberal anthem written by a lefty liberal rock star, and the lefty liberal rock star is like, “Fuck off, I did NOT say you could use my music, and also I hate you.” This time, it’s Neil Young, and he’s real pissed that Donald Trump decided to play “Rockin’ In The Free World” as he waddled onstage to announce that he’s pretending to run for president again. Young’s manager released a statement saying that “Donald Trump’s use of ‘Rockin’ in the Free World’ was not authorized,” and also, “Mr. Young is a longtime supporter of Bernie Sanders.” Read more on Here’s A Few More Lefty Neil Young Songs For Donald Trump To F*ck Right Off To…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Megyn Kelly Plays Softball With The Duggar Sisters: Your Weekly Top Ten

Tryin' hard to come up with some more easy questions.
HEY WONKETARIAT, we hope this weekly Top Ten post finds you rested and not too hungover. It’s time for us to look at all the stories that made you laugh and cry and whatever other emotions you feel in response to Wonkette posts, you’re very unpredictable. Guess what? That Duggar story is still going on, but we are happy to report that only HALF of the top ten posts this week are Duggar-related. Read more on Megyn Kelly Plays Softball With The Duggar Sisters: Your Weekly Top Ten…
  softball interviews

The Duggar Interview: Why Won’t The Liberal Media Stop Molesting Our Kids?

But Jesus forgave us!
Did you watch the EXCLUSIVE Megyn Kelly interview with Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar last night? The one where Megyn Kelly said she wasn’t going to give them some sort of interrogation about how their son Josh molested his sisters, because hey, look over there, Bill Clinton? If you have been living inside a rock, all you need to know is that Josh Duggar, eldest son of Jim Bob and Michelle, molested five girls, including four of his sisters, starting when he was a teenager. One of his victims was 5 years old at the time. His parents did very little in the way of reporting the crimes, and everybody has been forgiven by Jesus now, HALLELU! Read more on The Duggar Interview: Why Won’t The Liberal Media Stop Molesting Our Kids?…
  Heroism Nice Time

Two WW I Heroes Finally American Enough To Receive Medals Of Honor They Earned

Ina has what Rachel Maddow would call a Muppet Smile there
Two heroes of World War I were finally recognized Tuesday by President Obama at the White House; the president presented the Medal of Honor posthumously to Private Henry Johnson and to Sergeant William Shemin, whose heroism in battle was impressive, but who were, respectively, too black and too Jewish to be awarded the nation’s highest military honor while they were still alive. We’re looking forward to the inevitable complaint from Bryan Fischer that the medals were feminized or something. Read more on Two WW I Heroes Finally American Enough To Receive Medals Of Honor They Earned…
  The Clenis Rises Again

Fox’s Megyn Kelly Won’t Be Too Mean To Duggars About Kid-Diddling Because Bill Clinton. Really.

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.comSo here is a thing we know. We know that Josh Duggar did naughty sex things to five little girls, four of whom were his sisters. And Ma and Pa Duggar — being strict adherents of a religious cult that believes if you inappropriately touch your sister, it’s because her unholy whore hole was just askin’ for it, like the Bible says — thought it best to keep that quiet instead of, like, protecting their daughters. How do we know this? Because the Duggars released statements admitting that Josh did a bad, but he is sorry and his family is all A-OK with that now, and none of them have denied any of the details in the police report or any reported details about how they “handled” Josh’s molestation of his sisters. Read more on Fox’s Megyn Kelly Won’t Be Too Mean To Duggars About Kid-Diddling Because Bill Clinton. Really….
  It's always the cover-up

Let’s Remember That Time Speaker Denny Hastert Covered Up A GOP Sex Scandal!

Shed a tear for Denny
Back when Republican Denny Hastert was Speaker of the House — before he became a lobbyist and before he was indicted for paying someone a whole lot of hush money to cover up “prior misconduct,” whatever that means, we are terrified to find out — there was this whole other thing Hastert tried to keep all hushed up, and it was a gross Republican sex scandal (our favorite kind). Time to flashback thingy! Read more on Let’s Remember That Time Speaker Denny Hastert Covered Up A GOP Sex Scandal!…
  Oh great here's another maybe thing

Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
At last, a Hillary Clinton ZOMGgate story that might actually be a thing! (Or might not. You never know with those wily Clintons, which is why it’s generally best to assume guilty until proven otherwise.) According to an exhaustive trillion-word report by the International Business Times, the Clinton State Department authorized approximately eleventeen metric fucktons of defense contracts between corporations and countries that, coincidentally uh huh sure right, happened to donate a whole bunch of money to the Clinton Foundation and to Bill Clinton (that’s her husband) for doing his high-priced speechifying thing: Read more on Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!…
  Mad About A Thing

Family Values Republicans Just Fine With Gross Duggar Family Sex-Criming

Fun-employed
Are we even remotely surprised that the oh-so-holy Family ValuesTM Duggars have been keeping a dirty secret about that time Josh Duggar repeatedly molested his sisters, and his parents knew and did not do a goddamned thing about it, except for (eventually) sending him off to sex rehab to learn about how his slutty sisters sinfully tempted him, so it’s not really his fault anyway? No. No, we are not. Read more on Family Values Republicans Just Fine With Gross Duggar Family Sex-Criming…
  leave the former presidents aloooooooooone!

Mean Sen. Joni Ernst Takes Castratin’ Knife To Former Presidents’ Allowance Moneys

Oh, they look happy NOW.
Hey there, former presidents of the US and A — that would be Clinton, Carter and those two Bush brats — thanks for serving your country and all by BEING PRESIDENT OF IT, but Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Pig Spaying), and her Republican friends Marco Rubio and Mark Kirk, want to take away all the fun moneys you get for being Former Presidents. This is very mean, and you should all, in a bipartisan way, get together to tell them exactly where they ought to get fucked with whatever pig genitals Ernst removed most recently: Read more on Mean Sen. Joni Ernst Takes Castratin’ Knife To Former Presidents’ Allowance Moneys…
  Yes All Men

It Is Time To Ban All The Men From Congress, Obviously

Be afraid. Very afraid.
Men are kind of the worst,* as we all know. They are paid more money for the same job at [fill in just about any industry, no really, even the women-dominated ones, like nursing]. They are charged less for dry-cleaning. They do most of the murdering, raping, domestic violencing and other criming. They spread their legs all over the subway like it’s theirs. They suck up all of the oxygen, with their constant mansplaining of every goddamned thing. Also, they have only just barely started contributing to housework, a little bit, and they already want all the trophies and prizes and parades, Jesus joint-smokin’ Christ. Read more on It Is Time To Ban All The Men From Congress, Obviously…