Tag Archives: bill clinton

  Oh great here's another maybe thing

Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
At last, a Hillary Clinton ZOMGgate story that might actually be a thing! (Or might not. You never know with those wily Clintons, which is why it’s generally best to assume guilty until proven otherwise.) According to an exhaustive trillion-word report by the International Business Times, the Clinton State Department authorized approximately eleventeen metric fucktons of defense contracts between corporations and countries that, coincidentally uh huh sure right, happened to donate a whole bunch of money to the Clinton Foundation and to Bill Clinton (that’s her husband) for doing his high-priced speechifying thing: Read more on Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!…
  Mad About A Thing

Family Values Republicans Just Fine With Gross Duggar Family Sex-Criming

American family values
Are we even remotely surprised that the oh-so-holy Family ValuesTM Duggars have been keeping a dirty secret about that time Josh Duggar repeatedly molested his sisters, and his parents knew and did not do a goddamned thing about it, except for (eventually) sending him off to sex rehab to learn about how his slutty sisters sinfully tempted him, so it’s not really his fault anyway? No. No, we are not. Read more on Family Values Republicans Just Fine With Gross Duggar Family Sex-Criming…
  leave the former presidents aloooooooooone!

Mean Sen. Joni Ernst Takes Castratin’ Knife To Former Presidents’ Allowance Moneys

Oh, they look happy NOW.
Hey there, former presidents of the US and A — that would be Clinton, Carter and those two Bush brats — thanks for serving your country and all by BEING PRESIDENT OF IT, but Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Pig Spaying), and her Republican friends Marco Rubio and Mark Kirk, want to take away all the fun moneys you get for being Former Presidents. This is very mean, and you should all, in a bipartisan way, get together to tell them exactly where they ought to get fucked with whatever pig genitals Ernst removed most recently: Read more on Mean Sen. Joni Ernst Takes Castratin’ Knife To Former Presidents’ Allowance Moneys…
  Yes All Men

It Is Time To Ban All The Men From Congress, Obviously

Be afraid. Very afraid.
Men are kind of the worst,* as we all know. They are paid more money for the same job at [fill in just about any industry, no really, even the women-dominated ones, like nursing]. They are charged less for dry-cleaning. They do most of the murdering, raping, domestic violencing and other criming. They spread their legs all over the subway like it’s theirs. They suck up all of the oxygen, with their constant mansplaining of every goddamned thing. Also, they have only just barely started contributing to housework, a little bit, and they already want all the trophies and prizes and parades, Jesus joint-smokin’ Christ. Read more on It Is Time To Ban All The Men From Congress, Obviously…
  Bang bang liberty you're dead

NRA: President Hillary Clinton Is Already Murdering Freedom

She's coming for YOU. And YOU. And YOU.
The corpse that was America’s liberty until President Obama killed it is not even cold yet, but the National Rifle Association is already warning us of the extra-death of liberty that lies ahead, since Hillary Clinton “has formally declared her intention to assume the office of president of the United States.” (We assume she intends to do this by winning the presidential election, like she said, but maybe she’s just going to assume the office without the farce of democracy, so she can get right to extra-deathing our liberty. That’s probably the plan.) Read more on NRA: President Hillary Clinton Is Already Murdering Freedom…
  department of gotcha questions

Republican Candidates Agree: The Best Living President Is Ronald Reagan’s Rotting Corpse

It would seem that getting stumped by really simple questions isn’t a problem limited to Jeb Bush being A Idiot. ALL the 2016 Republican candidates are doing it! CNN’s Chris Moody traveled to the South Carolina Freedom Summit, where all the wingnut hopefuls were gathered, and he had one tough gotcha question: “Who’s the best living president?” The hilariously pitiful answer, from all the candidates? NONE OF THEM, KATIE, and also Ronald Reagan’s decomposed bones. No, really, these are their answers: Read more on Republican Candidates Agree: The Best Living President Is Ronald Reagan’s Rotting Corpse…
  you break it you buy it

Bill Clinton Sorry He Put Everyone In Jail

Still not as bad as starting a phony war, but yeah, sorry about that
President Bill Clinton would like you to know he feels kind of bad now about some of the unintended consequences of the 1994 Crime Bill he signed, like the “three strikes” provision and some other stuff that led to prison overcrowding. Honestly, nobody could have seen it coming, except maybe all the progressives at the time who predicted the law would fill up the prisons with nonviolent drug offenders, and nobody cared much because who wants to be called soft on crime? Read more on Bill Clinton Sorry He Put Everyone In Jail…
  Won't someone think of the scandals?

Idiot Texas Rep Calls For Department Of Clinton Investigatin’, To Investigate The Clintons

Look at 'em schemin'
Whew! We were concerned there for a moment that Congress wasn’t going to bother looking into the the latest SCANDALOUS SCANDAL about Billary Clinton, since the media (except for the New York Times, the Washington Post, Fox, every single news network, and your grandma’s blogspot) have ignored it, but Texas Republican Rep. Ted Poe assures us that, nope, Congress is ON that mofo for sure. Read more on Idiot Texas Rep Calls For Department Of Clinton Investigatin’, To Investigate The Clintons…
  There Goes Hillary Murderin' Folks Again

‘Clinton Cash’ Author Worries Clinton Mafia Will Murder Him, Like How They Always Do

She's coming for YOU. And YOU. And YOU.
Peter Schweizer, whose book-shaped object Clinton Cash has apparently set some kind of record for Most Debunkings Before Actual Publication, is doing his darndest to keep hyping the thing, which finally slouches into bookstores today. On Monday’s edition of Dana Loesch’s stupid radio show, Loesch asked Schweizer if he’s worried that he’ll be murdered, just like everyone else who’s dared to oppose the Clintons (with the exception of the entire Republican House and Senate membership during Bill Clinton’s two terms, of course). Read more on ‘Clinton Cash’ Author Worries Clinton Mafia Will Murder Him, Like How They Always Do…
  Fuckabee if you're nasty

Mike Huckabee Will Be President Of Making All The Ladies Stop Saying Gay Cusses!

Gonna teach America some manners again!
Former Arkansas governor and current traditional values hall monitor Mike Huckabee announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination for president today in Hope, Arkansas, because he is from there, just like Bill Clinton! The theme of the day was “going from Hope to Higher Ground,” because using “hope” as a theme has never been done before, by a presidential candidate from Hope, Arkansas. There was nice uplifting music, like that Tony Orlando stuff Huckabee loves, and quite unlike that whore Beyoncé music the Obamas love, which Mike Huckabee knows is from the devil. Unfortunately, Ted Nugent was not there to help Huckabee sing about bitches’ pussies, BY WHICH WE MEAN KITTY CATS. Read more on Mike Huckabee Will Be President Of Making All The Ladies Stop Saying Gay Cusses!…
  Clintongate

National Review: But What About The Clintons’ Underage Sex Slaves And Russian Blackmail?

She's coming for YOU. And YOU. And YOU.
Conservatives have yet to uncover The Scandal that will, once and for all and forever, destroy history’s greatest monsters, Bill and Hillary Clinton. Not for lack of trying — for decades, with a bazillionteen dollars, and an army of rightwing organizations dedicated to inspecting every scrap of toilet paper that ever wiped a Clinton’s butthole. And not without the aid of the media, even the “liberal” media like the New York Times, always happy to imply that if the Clintons drew a breath, it was perhaps illegal, immoral, unethical, or too horrifically X-rated to explain to the children. Read more on National Review: But What About The Clintons’ Underage Sex Slaves And Russian Blackmail?…
  Such fair many balance

Dog The Bounty Hunter Not Crazy Enough For Fox News, Sadface!

It’s not really 2016 yet, but so far, things are not looking good for the GOP. They’ve already lost this proud teabagger because he loves his Obamacare a whole lot and doesn’t want Republicans to take it away from him, and now they’ve lost Duane Chapman, better known as Dog the Bounty Hunter. Read more on Dog The Bounty Hunter Not Crazy Enough For Fox News, Sadface!…
  Tell us what you really think

Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck

Go on some more please!
Sen. Harry Reid (D-Boxing Ring) has rarely shied away from using his smack-talking Stern Words to smack-talk, sternly, but now that he is officially retiring at the end of this term, he really does NOT give an aerodynamic fuck at a mobile pastry. Read more on Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck…
  Avert your eyes!

Family Values Guy Says Hillary Clinton Is Too Ugly To Be President, Guess That’s That

Oh the horror!
Wingnut dickbag douchebreath Don Feder, former opinion “writer” from The Boston Herald and now of the “family values” group World Congress of Families, took a break from whining about The Gay and how the Jewishes suck at Jewing and could really learn from Pat freakin’ Robertson how to be better at that, to explain why Hillary Clinton — or, as he cleverly and values-y-ly calls her, “Hitlery” — will not be president. Everyone don your hazmat suit, and then let’s dive into his pool of pixelated vomit: Read more on Family Values Guy Says Hillary Clinton Is Too Ugly To Be President, Guess That’s That…
  What About Hitler? Is She Hitler Too?

Wingnuts Just Asking: Is Hillary Clinton A Violent Spouse Abuser? And A Lizard Person?

She's coming for YOU. And YOU. And YOU.
Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet Kristinn Taylor is simply asking a simple question: Aren’t Democrats the worst hypocrites ever for even considering nominating Hillary Clinton for president, given the undisputable fact that a new book alleges that she is a “violent spouse abuser”? Read more on Wingnuts Just Asking: Is Hillary Clinton A Violent Spouse Abuser? And A Lizard Person?…
  Why won't Obama lead us into war?

Sen. Tom Cotton Would Like Some Iran War, Like Bill Clinton Did

Don't fall for it, Texas! Drowning is better than federal tyranny!
Republican Hero Sen. Tom Cotton, America’s greatest constitutional expert since Jesus wrote the document himself, has already taught us everything we need to know about the president’s authority To Do Stuff, which is zero. He can’t just go around making deals with other countries, DUH. However, when it comes to bombing them, especially Iran? That’s the president’s number one job. There’s even a song about it! Really, what is the hold up, Obummer? Especially because it would so easy: Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Would Like Some Iran War, Like Bill Clinton Did…
  Can we be done talking about this now?

Arkansas And Indiana Suck Up To Big Gay With ‘Fixed’ Religious Freedom Bills

Just suck it up
Late Thursday, Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson was FIRST! to call a press conference so he could sign the “fixed” Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) into law, following a weeklong national outcry. Before any journalist could even open a new browser tab to type words about it, there went Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, doing the same damn thing. Did the governors time it that way, so the media wouldn’t know what to cover? Maybe! Or maybe it just happened that way because everybody was ready to go the fuck home for the long holiday weekend. Proponents claimed the original laws did nothing more than protect religious freedom from some unspecified threat, but in reality, the bills were thinly veiled licenses to hate on and discriminate against gays and lesbians, so they had to be amended to ensure that no, this does not give you permission to refuse to do flowers for Dale and Kevin’s wedding, and no, also, please do not take your businesses out of our states! Read more on Arkansas And Indiana Suck Up To Big Gay With ‘Fixed’ Religious Freedom Bills…
  Non Sequiturd

Sen. Tom Cotton Says Gays Should Be Glad They’re Not Hung

We could just drop gays on Iran. Or Tom Cotton.
Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Logan Act) has just about had it up to here with people fussing about “religious freedom” bills in Indiana and Arkansas, when we have far more important fish to fry, like undercutting the President on nuclear negotiations with Iran. Or, probably, Benghazi (Never Forget!). Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Says Gays Should Be Glad They’re Not Hung…
  Pence is highly offended by all your rude comments about Indiana

Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence

The Indianapolis Star‘s Tuesday edition is a bit stunning, in that the entire front page is devoted to an editorial demanding that Indiana lawmakers “FIX THIS NOW.” They are of course referring to the Fuck The Gays law, signed by Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, which has single-handedly sent the state to number one on pretty much everyone’s list of “states where I do not wish to find myself stranded.” Read more on Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence…
  George Stephanopoulos's questions have a well known liberal bias

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence: I Proudly Signed Some Anti-Gay Sh*t I Don’t Understand

I am a deeply stupid man, I am the biggest idiot, I am the worst governor of any of the states, and that is saying something.
Mike Pence Is Not Here To Answer Questions Indiana governor Mike Pence is either a deeply stupid man, or he’s been convinced that the deeply stupid Good Christians of his state are truly facing dire harm from having to provide services to, or acknowledge the existence, of LGBT people. Or he’s just a liar. According to the available evidence, the answer is “all of the above.” Pence spent the weekend standing athwart intelligence and screaming “STOP!”, most notably on the George Stephanopoulos Sunday Teevee Funtimes Mimosa Hour, where he attempted to defend his decision to sign Indiana’s new Fuck The Gays bill, known by its supporters as a totally necessary safeguard protecting their precious religious freedom. Read more on Indiana Gov. Mike Pence: I Proudly Signed Some Anti-Gay Sh*t I Don’t Understand…
  It's so crazy it just might work

America’s Worst Lawyer, Larry Klayman, Suing Clintons Again, Totally Gonna Nail ‘Em Now!

Actual pic of Larry Klayman
At last, someone is brave enough to try, for the first hundredth time ever, to hold the Clintons accountable for being the Clintons. And surprise! It’s the conservative group Freedom Watch, the brainfart of Larry Klayman, Esquire JD — famous for such legal victories as having Barack Obama deported for faking his birth certificate and suing Rachel Maddow for defamation, a suit he did not actually win after all, but that’s just because the clearly biased judge was a Jew. And a lady. What a bitch. Read more on America’s Worst Lawyer, Larry Klayman, Suing Clintons Again, Totally Gonna Nail ‘Em Now!…
  Did You Ever Notice Liberals Are Stupid? What's Up With That?

Ladies, Sean Hannity Can See Into Your Baby Caves

Suck it, Jon Stewart. Now THIS is comedy.
It turns out that CPAC 2015 was pretty much a Cavalcade of Conservative Comedy. In addition to the sly wit of Rick Santorum’s Birther joke, Sean Hannity did this hilarious routine about how Barack Obama keeps blaming Bush for everything! Talk about a fresh idea! Except it sort of went all cattywampus at the end: Read more on Ladies, Sean Hannity Can See Into Your Baby Caves…