One-man circus Michael Jackson has officially died, and somebody is very, very happy about this news. (That “somebody” is Mark Sanford. Adios, Mark! Enjoy the rest of your life.) We, of course, could give a hoot about Michael Jackson, although your editor once free-lanced a “concert review” of Wacko Jacko’s post-pedophile (?) 1996 performance in Prague, and the National Enquirer paid something like $500, enough for a plane ticket back to America. So, thanks, Michael! Thanks for the good times, and thanks to Vladan for getting us the Ecstasy so we could tolerate that awful spectacle. Also, Michael, you sure did get yourself photographed with a lot of 1980s and ’90s presidents! You were truly the Barack Obama of that particular era. MORE »

Democratic rum-bag and Clinton-era haircut Terry McAuliffe has lost his dumb race to be the Dem nominee for Virginia governor. Nate Silver, the human abacus, called it for somebody named “R. Creigh Deeds” a while ago, and now the rest of the Political Media are repeating it: Deeds will win by some large ratio. MORE »

IF BILL CLINTON WAS BLACK, THEN HOW IS OBAMA NOT MUSLIM? A real winner in the Moonie Times op-ed section today. We reach Absolute Zero by only the end of the second paragraph: “The man now happy to have his Islamic-rooted middle name featured prominently has engaged in the most consequential bait-and-switch since Adolf Hitler duped Neville Chamberlain over Czechoslovakia at Munich.” Swish. [Washington Times]

• Galileo proved ages ago that “crime increases proportionally with the height of housing project buildings,” and after a thorough review by the Pontifical Council for Culture, the Catholic Church even forgave him for it. But guess what? Sonia-Maria Sotomayor grew up in the grandest housing project on the Eastern Seaboard, and she doesn’t even sell dime bags! [John McWhorter]
• Oh NO! The National Arbitration Forum ruled that Sneaky Joseph Culligan will be allowed to keep BillClintonsTentaclePornEmporium.net and a myriad of other domain names Bill Clinton desperately wanted for himself. [HuffPost]
• There are unconfirmed Rumors on the Internets claiming Erick Erickson has reached his 34th year, which is pretty outrageous considering Jesus didn’t even live that long. Whatever: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERICK! [RedState]
• Observe the many ways in which Barack Obama and Ronald Reagan are frighteningly similar: Reagan invented Reaganomics, Obama invented Socialism. Reagan bought guns and gave them to right-wing death squads in Central America, Obama bought toxic bank assets and gave them to the Sandinistas. Can you think of two more examples, for extra-credit? [Washington Whispers]

• CHECK SANDY BERGER’S ANUS: The National Archives is offering a $50,000 reward for anybody with information leading to the recovery of a lost Clinton-era hard drive … and we all know the preferred repository for Clinton secrets is. [Sara K. Smith Thinks She's A Journalist But All She Ever Writes Is Biased 'Dribble']

• Sonia-Maria Sotomayor loves to brag about how “ghetto” it was growing up in Mexico. Well this loaf of white bread has heard enough! Is Sonia’s Best Friend Forever serving life in prison? Was Sonia’s daughter stabbed in the chest with an enormous cardiac needle? No? Q.E.D. [American Thinker]
• “Ultra liberal zealot” highschool teachers are known to pass out buckets of gummy worms and read If You Give A Moose A Muffin during nap time, which is why every American teenager sucks at Maths. But a brave Oakland charter school has dared to ask, “Would they still suck at Maths if we yelled at them and shaved their heads?” The answer might shock you! [Hot Air]
• RedState shakes things up with a terrifying 2 second video of a blackfolk speaking without being spoken to! Don’t worry though because a patriot reported the incident to the Justice Department. [RedState]
• The National Archives misplaced a 2-terabyte external hard drive containing “sensitive data from the Clinton administration,” prompting the Smithsonian to temporarily postpone the highly-anticipated exhibit, “Tentacle Porn & The Clintons.” [Raw Story]

What a fantastic spring it’s been in DC, what with the terrible muggy spell in early May, and now there’s nothing but terrible swampy grossness ahead! Fortunately, DC’s “celebrities” can be spotted both in- and out of doors, where they engage in elite activities such as air travel, grocery shopping, lunching, and even watching sports events. After the jump: Find out which famous politician hums loudly to himself in public bathrooms.

Ever been waiting around to pick up your deli sandwich or your luggage or collect your mail or whatever, and you see some very put-together man or lady giving you the eye like they would like to take you up to Eliot Spitzer’s room at the Mayflower? It’s probably one of those terrible people you’ve seen on O’Reilly’s show talking about the sanctity of post-marital sex. Tell us about these encounters, and other more boring encounters please! Write to tips@wonkette with subject line “Wonk’d.” MORE »

The New York Times Magazine always gets the fanciest cover stories, and then people talk about them forever, whether the subject be Chris Matthews or that in-house reporter nut who can’t pay his mortgage. And last Sunday’s profiled Conan O’Brien! (PSST GOOD LUCK ON MONDAY CONAN.) This week’s covers Bill Clinton, the former president who now cures AIDS. A number of anecdotes merit the ol’ Wonkette Blockquote — one comical bit involves the president planting trees, alone, in sadness — but we’ll run with the part about how Clinton’s best friends are Christopher Ruddy, the vicious wingnut founder of Newsmax, and Richard Mellon Scaife, who spent the ’90s actively working to destroy the Clinton Presidency from a gargoyle chamber in Pittsburgh. MORE »

Once upon a time Bill Clinton was a hot young maverick with an endearing taste for french fries and plump ladies, while George W. Bush charmed the world with his cockulicious flight-suit costumes and unquenchable thirst for near-beer. But now, compared to our elegant new president (Dr. Spock), these two guys just look like washed-up old losers who can’t even sell out a crowd in Canada. We haven’t seen this precipitous a decline among members of the Washington elite since Butterstick hit the crack pipe. MORE »

All right, Jonathan Martin, you WIN THE NIGHT and ALSO THE FOLLOWING MORNING for this explosive exclusive thing on a truly boneheaded scheme to foster some sort of political alliance between the Clintons and Sarah Palin. The perpetrator: John Coale, prominent Palin pal, husband of Greta Van Susteren, and Clinton supporter who got his panties in a bunch when Hillary didn’t win the nomination. The victim: Sarah Palin, who just wants to be left alone and limit huge public embarrassments to, say, a mere thrice-weekly occurrence. MORE »

After a frightening round of campaigning in nearby Virginia, Bill Clinton has been given a long list of weird destinations, in hopes he will “keep busy” for the next eight years, far from polite Washington society. First came word of his appointment as special UN envoy to Haiti, which is known for its lack of TMZ and Politico reporters. Then we got the exciting news about Bill’s weekend trip to Austria, for the big transsexual sex festival, “Vienna Life Ball,” to raise money for the AIDS. Next up? A six-month diplomatic tour of Antarctica’s subterranean lesbian ice-sprite colony. [Gawker/Washington Post]