Wonkette

Some dudes say they’ve found a dead Bigfoot, in Georgia! It is being revealed to The Media in Palo Alto, which is on the other side of the country, in California. We are pretty sure it’s just a dead stoner-hillbilly, maybe from Lynerd Skinerd or something, but what the hell, maybe eight-foot-tall hair-apes really do wander our nation, voting for Hillary. Why won’t Barack Obama stop his Indonesian Sex Tourism and protect America from Dead Georgian Hair-Apes? [Inquisitr/CryptoMundo]

AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK, ABROAD: “Helicopters carrying three senior U.S. senators made emergency landings Thursday in the mountains of Afghanistan because of a snowstorm.” Good sweet Jesus Christ God, how is America going to survive — we lost Joe Biden, John Kerry and Chuck Hagel to the ancient snows of the barren hinterland and its devilish tundra camels. Fortunately, Barack Obama FLEW LIKE SUPERMAN to this valley of ice monsters, swooped the foppish Senators away and whisked them to safe harbor. Again: Barack Obama has saved three senators from Taliban Bigfoot. [AP/Breitbart]

Taking a much-needed break from breaking things, hiring diaper-clad psychopaths and blowing up spaceships, NASA has released a shocking photograph of a man on Mars that some lunatics believe could be “Bigfoot,” the Earth monster. But others in England think the Martian is Osama bin Laden! [Fox News, The Sun]