Tag Archives: bible

  Everybody gets the pre-crucifixion jitters

Harlot Kentucky Clerk To Be Sentenced By Pontius Pilate Thursday

Kim Davis, this Friday.
Kim Davis, this coming Friday. And lo it shall come to pass that on Thursday, the third of the month of September, that Kim Davis, clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, will be taken before the high priest, and all the chief priests, the elders and the teachers of Kentucky and U.S. American law. The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin will seek evidence against Davis so that they may put her to death, but they will not find any, because the United States doesn’t put people to death for being a dirty adulteress (SUCH DIRTY, SO ADULTERESS, KEEP READING). Instead they’ll probably just find her in contempt of court for refusing to do her job for Bigot Reasons. Read more on Harlot Kentucky Clerk To Be Sentenced By Pontius Pilate Thursday…
  Thanks but no thanks

Pope Francis Offers Get Out Of Hell Free Card To Baby-Killing Whores

we didn't know you're allowed to have a pope who doesn't look like a sith lord
No one asked Sometimes we like New Pope Frank. Like, when he gets all Truffula tree-huggy and wants to save the Swomee Swans, or whatever, because God said, “Here is a earth-shaped planet, keep it pretty.” And those times when New Pope is like, “Jesus said rich people are THE SUCK, so don’t be such dicks, rich people.” That’s cool too and seems pretty Jesus-y. Read more on Pope Francis Offers Get Out Of Hell Free Card To Baby-Killing Whores…
  Gotcha questions

Sarah Palin Knows Donald Trump’s Favorite Bible Verse Is ALL OF THEM KATIE

Rage buddies
Oh look, there was a Friday evening entertainment shitshow, and it was Sarah Palin interviewing Donald Trump, obviously because she wanted to meet her one of her favorite hero P.O.W.’s. And there’s so much goodness in this interview, and so many bowls of word salad, from BOTH of them, but OUR favorite part is when they did Bible trivia. See, the mean liberal gotcha journalists have been doing mean liberal gotcha questions at the Donald, over which verse of the Bible he hearts the best. This is a fair question because A., he is running as a Republican, and it’s virtually required for all candidates’ REAL running mates to be Jesus, and 2., he said the Bible is his favorite book. Like, he said those words, with his vagina mouth. And also, clearly, he is the most luxurious, terrific-est Christian ever. Read more on Sarah Palin Knows Donald Trump’s Favorite Bible Verse Is ALL OF THEM KATIE…
  What's The Matter With KY?

Gay-Hatin’ Kentucky Clerks Having Real Bad Week

Yaoi? Yowie!
Yaoi? Yowie! Pour out a 40 for the gay-hating county clerks of Kentucky, who are losing their brave battle to refuse to do their jobs in the name of Jesus. First up, we have Kim Davis, the clerk of Rowan County, who was told by a federal appeals court Wednesday that she really does have to issue marriage licenses, because that is the job of a county clerk. The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 6th Circuit was not at all impressed by Ms. Davis’s contention that she can ignore her job duties because Jesus said to. The appeals court affirmed an earlier lower court decision requiring Davis to do her job: Read more on Gay-Hatin’ Kentucky Clerks Having Real Bad Week…
  Biggest Christian Ever. Just The Best

Donald Trump Bravely Says ‘Christmas,’ Even In Alabama

Donald Trump meets an anchor baby
Donald Trump meets an anchor baby While he was in Alabama getting white people excited this weekend, Donald Trump took a few minutes to assure an Alabama radio show host that nobody — NOBODY — will be a greater President of Christmas than Donald J. Trump. Trump told host Cliff Sims Friday that he actually goes out of his way to say “Christmas,” despite the many dangers of doing so, because, as he explained, “I’m a big believer in the Bible,” a book Trump has recently made a point of saying is even better than Trump’s The Art of the Deal, by Donald Trump, which must make it a pretty terrific book, although he has yet to refer to any of its contents. Read more on Donald Trump Bravely Says ‘Christmas,’ Even In Alabama…
  When In the Courser Of Human Events

Teabagger Fornicator Writes Million Words About Jesus, No Words About Resigning

We don't really think Rep. Gamrat is a 1940s Messican lady
Clarification: We don’t really think Rep. Gamrat is a 1940s Messican lady Hey, guys, just in case you spent your whole weekend worrying whether Michigan state Rep. Todd Courser — the teabagger who had an affair with fellow teabagging legislator Cindy Gamrat and then plotted to cover it up with a fake smear campaign against himself that he did gay sex stuff with a gay hooker — had said anything new and dumb, guess what. You’re in luck! Saturday, he posted an insufferably long Facebook post to explain that while he is in fact a despicable sinner, so are we all, and he wants to make it absolutely clear that his sin does not reflect badly on God or Jesus, for those who thought he’d made God look bad by association. Read more on Teabagger Fornicator Writes Million Words About Jesus, No Words About Resigning…
  Great advice if you're an idiot

Pat Robertson Shows Grandma How To Shove Jesus Inside Her Grandkids

Good advice bro!
It’s time for another episode of Pat Robertson answers an email from a viewer who probably doesn’t exist! What’s wrong, “Elizabeth”? Oh, you are a grandmommy, and your 6-year-old grandson hates Jesus? That sounds bad! Wait, he doesn’t even BELIEVE in Jesus, because he is an atheist? Does your grandson happen to live in Indiana and the ACLU is suing because his teacher is an atheist-shaming asshole? Oh no, that is a different story, our bad. Well, where did he get these “Jesus is imaginary like Santa” ideas? FROM HIS PARENTS, you say? This sounds like a situation Grandma needs to stick her God-fearing nose into! Read more on Pat Robertson Shows Grandma How To Shove Jesus Inside Her Grandkids…
  Homeschool Math At Its Finest

God Tells Florida Pastor Unborned Babies Will Pay National Debt, So Defund Planned Parenthood

One angry man o' God
Friends, Dr. Craig Connor is one unhappy man. He is unhappy that Planned Parenthood is coming for your children and putting little baby parts up for sale on eBayBee. He told his congregation at the First Baptist Church of Panama City, Florida, that he simply cannot abide the fact that his tax dollars are going to fund something obscene and offensive that isn’t a war, so he might stop paying his taxes so that no portion of them will go to Planned Parenthood. Worst of all, he’s just discovered that “we have absolutely no choice in how our money is being spent. Friends, that offends me.” Hey, pastor, now you know what it felt like to be a liberal when the Bush administration was spending a trillion dollars on the Iraq War. Read more on God Tells Florida Pastor Unborned Babies Will Pay National Debt, So Defund Planned Parenthood…
  Also Jesus Wrote Both

Ben Carson Not Sure Which Bible Parts Are The Boss Of The Constitution

And that's how America was made!
Here’s a fun moment from the very end of an interview with neurosurgeon and Jesus Man Ben Carson on “Meet the Press.” Chuck Todd passed along this query from Facebook user Victor Roush: “Simple question: Does the Bible have authority over the Constitution?” This is NOT a simple question, though, it’s a really tough question! After all, this is a guy who’s only running for president because God forced him to against his will, and who copied all his answers on a chemistry final from Jesus. Read more on Ben Carson Not Sure Which Bible Parts Are The Boss Of The Constitution…
  Christian martyrs

Gay-Hating Oregon Bakers Real Tired Of Getting Concentration Camped By Hitler

Ready for another dumb Hitler analogy, because this is the week where we do those? Let’s get reacquainted with Aaron and Melissa Klein, who decided to be martyrs just like Jesus, by refusing to make a cake for a lesbian wedding. Then they lost their bakery, because they are twats, and then Satan personally attacked them by canceling their GoFundMe, which they planned to use to pay the fine they owed the state of Oregon, for the crime of being twats. This was obviously more persecution, because it says right there in the book of Romans that all good Christians are entitled to a GoFundMe. Read more on Gay-Hating Oregon Bakers Real Tired Of Getting Concentration Camped By Hitler…
  Here let me yell at you

Boy Scouts Gay Now, Mormons’ Magic Underpanties All In A Wad

Finally legal
Hurray, the Boy Scouts of America have finally ended years of bigotry — sort of — by lifting the ban on gay adult scout leaders. We say “sort of” because individual church-led chapters still have the authority to decide they don’t wanna play by the rules and can instead continue being small-minded childish bigots, like they were promised by Jesus in the Bible. This came after former Defense Secretary and current BSA president Robert Gates explained how it was just fine for scout leaders to be gay, despite the fact that the very thought of that makes wingnuts like Bryan Fischer quiver in their fearful loin parts about how this is going to immediately lead to a buttsex infestation in an otherwise Christian organization. Read more on Boy Scouts Gay Now, Mormons’ Magic Underpanties All In A Wad…
  He seemed nice

Lafayette Shooter Was Teabaggin’, Gay-Hatin’, Hitler-Lovin’ Fool, THANKS OBAMA!

Just another member of the Lone Wolf Freedom Shooty Brigade Of Lone Wolves
If the online footprint of the Lafayette shooter identified by police as John Russell Houser, who killed two and injured nine others during a Thursday night showing of Amy Schumer’s Trainwreck before then killing himself, is any indication, Obama has really outdone himself in the false flag department this time. What did Houser hate? Pretty much everything that’s good and decent. What did he love? The Tea Party (at least enough to have an account, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, on the Tea Party Nation website), white supremacy, and also, too, Hitler. Let’s have a look-see, starting with a Twitter account bearing Houser’s name, and with only two tweets: Read more on Lafayette Shooter Was Teabaggin’, Gay-Hatin’, Hitler-Lovin’ Fool, THANKS OBAMA!…
  Oh yeah? YOU'RE Pontius Pilate!

Sen. Tom Cotton Appalled How John Kerry Went To Iran To Crucify Jesus

I look like A Expert.
Wee young Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas, who seems to be under the impression he is president of both U.S. America and Iran, is making opinions with his mouth again. Because see, Barack Obama and John Kerry went to Iran and said, “Hey, would you like to bomb Israel and the United States, because you are Iran and you have started so many wars in the past few decades, unlike the United States and Israel, nations that are fainting flowers, too shy to start wars?” And Iran said, “Can you stop crippling our nation with sanctions and let us save a little face here, if we promise not to make nuclear bombs?” And Obama and Kerry replied, “Only if you promise to do nuclear war to everyone,” and a deal was made. At least that’s the wingnut version of it, we think, because they are very stupid, scared people. Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Appalled How John Kerry Went To Iran To Crucify Jesus…
  The Derp Horseman Of The Apocalypse

Godly Grifter Jim Bakker Says Iran Deal Means End Times, Please Send Money

'Every frame of this movie looks like somebody's last known photo' -- MST3K, Manos, The Hands of Fate
We learn all sorts of fascinating things working here at Yr Wonkette, and here is one of them: Jim Bakker, the disgraced ’80s televangelist who served time for doing big-time financial fraud for Jesus, is actually still on teevee somewhere in the scary recesses of cable where we never go! We were awfully sad when his ex-wife, gay icon and mascara addict Tammy Faye, died in 2007, but we’d forgotten that Jim was still out there running his old End Times grift, at least until RawStory brought us this gorgeous video of Bakker getting the latest Bible prophecy News from up-and-coming Alabama pastor John Kilpatrick, who has found all sorts of clues in the Bible that exactly match America in 2015, which means of course that the end times are here, and it’s all Obama’s fault for signing a nuclear deal with Iran. Also, abortion is causing the California drought, which frankly is just plagiarism of that one California Republican assemblywoman. Read more on Godly Grifter Jim Bakker Says Iran Deal Means End Times, Please Send Money…
  Two Books That Will Now Be More Popular

In Surprise Twist, Texas Town Allows Fabulous Kids’ Books To Gay Up Public Library

They don't want to censor anything. They just don't think anyone should read propaganda.
Here’s your Nice Time for the day: Despite a number of complaints from Christian conservatives demanding that two LGBT-themed books be removed from the children’s collection of the Hood County Library in Granbury, Texas, the Hood County Commission allowed the books to remain on the shelves. The terrible brain warping books — My Princess Boy by Cheryl Kilodavis, said to have the power of a thousand ordinary Davises, about a boy who likes to wear pretty dresses, and This Day in June by Gayle E. Pitman, about a Pride parade — were targeted by a local Tea party group as offensive, tasteless, an affront to all that is decent and good, and likely to cause spontaneous outbreaks of musical theater. In a standing-room only meeting Tuesday night, the Commission voted to keep the books anyway; as of press time we have had no reports of Granbury being obliterated by a meteor. Read more on In Surprise Twist, Texas Town Allows Fabulous Kids’ Books To Gay Up Public Library…
  And he DEFINITELY was not a vegan

Wingnut Fox Pastor: Jesus Wasn’t Some Mexican-Loving, Sunflower Seed-Munching Pussy

Saved by the blood of Tough Guy Jesus.
Sunday’s “Fox & Friends” featured a discussion on illegal immigration (something new and different), and the focus was on churches doing that whole bleeding heart “when I was hungry, you fed me” thing with illegals, as opposed to immediately calling authorities and turning in those damn Messican aliens. And because the network is Fair And Balanced, it called two extremely conservative wingnuts to debate the issue, Dr. Richard Land of the Southern Evangelical Seminary, and Robert Jeffress, pastor of Dallas’s First Baptist megachurch, who’s a real whore when it comes to getting to go on the teevee. Somehow, there was distance between the two, because whereas Land says that when hungry people show up at a church, YOU FEED THEM, Jeffress is pretty sure that Jesus never said anything about feeding the hungry, and besides, he doesn’t want to worship some kind of made-up faggot Jesus like that anyway: Read more on Wingnut Fox Pastor: Jesus Wasn’t Some Mexican-Loving, Sunflower Seed-Munching Pussy…