Tag Archives: beyonce

  He will wash your mouth out for you America

Mike Huckabee Simply Fainting At Crass Broads And Their Sweary Filthy Sh*tmouths

Effin beyotches, amirite?
Mike Huckabee, America’s favorite moral scold, is at it again. Again again. While pimping his book, he explained how it’s not just that whore Beyonce who is corrupting America’s lady-youth, but all of the potty-mouthed single ladies who work in New York, aka, Bubbleville: Read more on Mike Huckabee Simply Fainting At Crass Broads And Their Sweary Filthy Sh*tmouths…
  It must be the fever talking

Mike Huckabee: Ted Nugent’s Song About Ladies’ Vaginas Really Just About Kitty Cats

Mike Huckabee should probably stop talking now. After being universally mocked for writing in his new book that the Obamas belong in bad-parent prison for letting their daughters listen to Beyonce’s whore music — which is basically the same thing as buying them a stripper pole — he was then universally mocked even more for that time he was getting his rock on to a song about sexing ladies, with his BFF Ted Nugent, “an outspoken rocker and a political commentator, but above all, he’s a patriot.” Read more on Mike Huckabee: Ted Nugent’s Song About Ladies’ Vaginas Really Just About Kitty Cats…
  Why aren't the Obamas in bad-parent jail?

Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Beyonce Still Hasn’t Resigned In Disgrace

Mike Huckabee, perpetual maybe-presidential candidate, wrote a book about what’s wrong with America. Everything, basically, is wrong with America — including the Obamas allowing their daughters to get their hippity-hop on to Beyonce’s whore music. But it’s not as if he wanted anyone to notice that. That anyone in the media is all, “Huh? What?” just proves his point that America is a cesspool of Indecency and Immorality and other I-words. (The Huckster is also fond of the greatest I-word in the Bible, which no Republicans ever talk about, ever, but it rhymes with dimpeachment.) Read more on Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Beyonce Still Hasn’t Resigned In Disgrace…
  pieholes are for shutting

Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Obamas Allow Girls To Listen To Beyonce, Who Is A Prostitute

Huck must have needed a whole bottle of his heart pills when this popped up on screen.
Mike Huckabee, a man so unpleasant that dogs will commit suicide to avoid being dragged home to meet him, has been looking for a way he can distinguish himself as this election cycle’s go-to moral scold. Not content to call a black entertainer a pimp for letting his singer wife dance around on a stage like a common tart, he has now gone after two of the singer’s fans by questioning their parents’ judgment for letting them listen to her music. Oh, and those fans happen to be Malia and Sasha Obama. Damn kids, always listening to that Negro jazz and swinging their hips around like horny sex monsters and such! Read more on Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Obamas Allow Girls To Listen To Beyonce, Who Is A Prostitute…
  Will Rape Jokes Ever Get Old?

Mike Huckabee Kicks Off His Maybe-Campaign With Some Prison Rape Jokes, For Jesus

Definitely Not Nuts AT ALL
Since the GOP is so good on the issue of rape, Gov. Mike Huckabee (R-Guitar Hero) decided to make a chapter of his new book dedicated to a rape joke. And some namby-pamby liberals decided to get all butt-hurt over it, because not everyone thinks that rape is the next funniest thing to “concentration camps are a great diet” jokes! Read more on Mike Huckabee Kicks Off His Maybe-Campaign With Some Prison Rape Jokes, For Jesus…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Republicans Are Terrible At The Internet, PolitiFact Kills Irony, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Good morning, sunshines! Want to know what you missed while you were sleeping? Too bad, we’re going to tell you anyway. Republicans are terrible at the internet. TERRIBLE. And now they have a real hip new video game, circa 1981, to really show them Democrats what’s what. And yes, it’s Atari-compatible. We think. Read more on Republicans Are Terrible At The Internet, PolitiFact Kills Irony, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  shut your parent trap

Ben Shapiro: Why Can’t Barack Obama Be A Great Dad Like Me?

Oh dear god, Benjy Shapiro is thinking about his child again, which inevitably means he will express his tender affection for his tiny child by promising to protect her from the depredations of the Obama Administration. Remember how he welcomed her into the world by sneering at Barack Obama? Welp, he’s at it again, in what looks like a seriously belated Father’s Day column that ran today. Ben Shapiro is just full of love for his daughter, but like one of those crazy people who write letters to the editor comparing airline disasters to abortion, he cannot think of anything without being reminded of just how badly Barack Obama is ruining America. Read more on Ben Shapiro: Why Can’t Barack Obama Be A Great Dad Like Me?…
  fumbling towards ecstasy

Solange Beats Up Jay-Z, Donald Trump Is Sad, And All The TV You Can Handle In These Happy Links

Let’s get ready to Happy! We do not feel good about Solange literally trying to kick Jay-Z’s ass, because we cannot handle any discord in the Knowles clan. John Oliver reminded us that it is blindingly stupid that one in four Americans do not believe climate change is real. Read more on Solange Beats Up Jay-Z, Donald Trump Is Sad, And All The TV You Can Handle In These Happy Links…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart: Bill O’Reilly Is Drunk In Love With Beyonce (Video)

You have to give Jon Stewart credit for honesty: he admits that he loves watching Bill O’Reilly fume at the allegedly pernicious influence wielded by Beyoncé, because “there is very little in this world that I like better than an upset Bill O’Reilly.” And really, can’t that be said of any of us? A mean old cynic might think that O’Reilly’s fixation on Beyoncé — he’s done seven reports on her — was merely an excuse to run sexxy video clips “to perhaps provide his elderly viewership with much needed disapproval boners.” But Billo’s obsession is pure, and very real. He genuinely seems to think that Beyoncé is turning the kids into little sex monsters, as if adolescents have ever been anything but. Read more on Jon Stewart: Bill O’Reilly Is Drunk In Love With Beyonce (Video)…
  our homework was never quite like this

Campus Reform: Sexy Beyonce Video Shown In College Class, World Coming To An End

You probably noticed that Beyonce dropped a record four months ago with 17 videos, many of which show Beyonce being sexy! This is a thing many of us are in favor of, but conservative fearmongers Campus Reform are breathless with consternation about how some students watched it in a class and this probably means academic freedom is dead or all the students are now gay for Beyonce or whatever it is that Campus Reform worries about. Read more on Campus Reform: Sexy Beyonce Video Shown In College Class, World Coming To An End…
  l'affaire obama

Beyonce And Barack Probably Le Boning, Says France

Remember back last week when we had some explosive totally fake news about how Big Bill Clinton totally did Elizabeth Hurley, but it was a lie from a completely drug-addled Tom Sizemore? Yeah, that is so over. The new hottness is that Bamz is totally getting it on with Beyonce. Today in WHAT?????!!!!, a French photographer named Pascal Rostain claims that the President of the United States of America, Barack Obama, is embroiled in a love affair with internationally famous pop star Beyoncé. Oh, and we’re going to read about it in the Washington Post tomorrow. Now, we are not endorsing stepping out and seriously, when you’ve got FLOTUS at home, why would you, but damn, if you’re going to cheat, Bey is the way to go. Although there is that pesky part where Beyonce is married to Jay-Z, who is probably not above cold-cocking the president or ordering a hit or whatever. Read more on Beyonce And Barack Probably Le Boning, Says France…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible

Happy Saturday, Wonquistadores! Every week, our web browsers overflow with a fetid slop of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth full posts of their own. Then we mop up the mess and wring out the smelly excess into a big old bucket we call the Derp Roundup. Add grain alcohol, stir, and enjoy! Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible…
  how you like us now

Dana Perino Drops Jay-Z Diss Track, Embarrasses Every White Person Everywhere

Unless you are a cave-dweller or some sort of luddite (in which case it is weird that you broke your anti-technology stance for Wonkette, but bqhatevwr) you were unable to avoid the Mr. Z goes to Cuba movie this week, complete with Jay-Z diss track. If you are a normal person, you listened to the new track and thought one of three possible thoughts: (1) Hova is BACK; (2) Hova is awesome but this track is meh; (3) Hova is just not my cup of tea thank you. If you are not a normal person and you work at Fox News, you decided to record your own incredibly embarrassing rap: Read more on Dana Perino Drops Jay-Z Diss Track, Embarrasses Every White Person Everywhere…
  99 problems and fox news is one

Fox News Is Very Confused By You Kids And Your Jay-Z And Your Hippity Hop Songs

Man, it would have been nice to avoid writing about the Republicans having a sad over Jay-Z and Beyonce heading to Cuba. We’ve been pretending the whole thing didn’t exist because it is just so much more racist arglebargle, but then Fox News had to get dumber and weirder by whitesplaining the lyrics of Hova’s Republican diss track (which is pretty baller, even if our own glorious leader the Editrix disagrees) to try to start a rap beef between Bamz and Jay-Z: Read more on Fox News Is Very Confused By You Kids And Your Jay-Z And Your Hippity Hop Songs…
  New World Ordure

Glenn Beck’s ‘The Blaze’ Asks Brave Question About Beyoncé’s ‘Illuminati Symbol’ During Halftime Show

Oh, sure, maybe you thought the real scandal about Beyoncé’s halftime show was all the gyrating and unladylike whorish dressing and near-hoo-ha hand motions, but that is because you are shallow. Yes we will say it. You are shallow to let yourself be distracted by these meaningless questions of whether Beyoncé was lip-synching or too bouncy-bouncy or whatever, because to focus on such superficialities is to miss the far deeper worry: Was Beyoncé invoking the Illuminati when she briefly held her thumbs and index fingers in a vaguely triangular shape, and since she obviously was, what are the larger implications for today’s modern American political and economic situation of modern America today? Read more on Glenn Beck’s ‘The Blaze’ Asks Brave Question About Beyoncé’s ‘Illuminati Symbol’ During Halftime Show…
  put some damn clothes on

Sexy Mommy Superbowl Halftime Makes National Review Very Uncomfortable

Did you watch sportsball last night? We did too! Sportsball was probably really amazing. We have no idea, since we were drinking heavily. We paid attention, however, during the sportsball halftime because there were sexxxxxy ladiez on our teevee and we like sexxxxxy ladiez on our teevee a great deal, perhaps even more so when intoxicated. Kathryn Lopez was also watching sportsball, but she was not at all happy about sexxxxxy ladiez on her teevee: Read more on Sexy Mommy Superbowl Halftime Makes National Review Very Uncomfortable…
  flotus files

News Media Squeals With Delight About Michelle Obama ‘Vogue’ Possibility

There is a rumor going ’round that the gorgeous visage of our beloved First Lady Michelle Obama will be gracing grocery store check-out aisles everywhere come next month. No, they have not started carrying Candy magazine at the Piggly Wiggly. It’s Vogue! “USA TODAY’s David Jackson confirms that Annie Leibovitz was at the White House on Thursday, the day The Washingtonian reported the possibility of a March cover shot by the famed photog. More evidence: CBS News’ White House correspondent Mark Knoller tweeted that a Vogue staffer was aboard the press plane to and from Las Vegas on Tuesday.” Everybody is FREAKING OUT. Read more on News Media Squeals With Delight About Michelle Obama ‘Vogue’ Possibility…
  Bristol Bump

Bristol Palin Absolutely Not Sexing Anyone, Says Bristol Palin

Bristol Palin is setting the record straight about ‘putting a ring on it’ vs ‘trial marriage’ (getting dick). Despite her past struggles of tagging hockey players, having a child out of wedlock and pretending to be a Christian, Bristol is super totally not “doing it” with the hot dude your Wonkette said Bristol was totally doing it with. Bristol is a good Christian, but now she wants to show how bad it is for everyone else but her to get it without being married first. Bristol, through her years of experience, has found the only way to have sex and be ok with it is to put a shiny piece of metal on her finger and getting the ‘do it’ from Jesus. Read more on Bristol Palin Absolutely Not Sexing Anyone, Says Bristol Palin…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Would Like To Teach Your Child How To ‘Dougie’

Finally, after a few boring weeks of now-forgotten aviation incidents and answering kids’ dumb questions over and over, our FLOTUS had a pretty great week! And she deserved it, because the stress from all that bin Laden business was starting to make the vegetables wilt. But the blood of Osama has revived the veggies, and with them, the spirit of the Let’s Move! campaign. Last week, Michelle Obama encouraged all the children to do something called a “Dougie,” apparently to benefit their physical fitness. Read more on Michelle Obama Would Like To Teach Your Child How To ‘Dougie’…
  terrorism

Wingnuts To Be Furious After Rappers Pose In Situation Room

We’re not sure if the AOL-email-chain-level wingnuts are furious about this yet, but they will be for about six months. That’s Jay-Z and the Beyonce lady with friends posing in the White House Situation Room the other day, just cold launchin’ nukes at white cities. The Weekly Standard is sounding the wingnut alarm. [Weekly Standard] Read more on Wingnuts To Be Furious After Rappers Pose In Situation Room…