President Hillary Clinton and her husband, President Bill Clinton, will be staying in the romantical island spot called Bermuda this weekend. You know who else is in Bermuda, right now, and forever? An unfortunate band of Uighurs, who will be conscripted into sexual slavery administering erotic pedicures to the Clintons. Pray for their souls. [Bermuda Sun]

Known lamer Hu Jintao, the President of China, had to cut short his stay at the boring, disorganized Italian G8 kegger today so as to “deal with” deadly riots in his country’s northwest Xinjiang Uighur Autonomous Region, boo. (At least that’s his excuse; he just didn’t want to answer gay Europe’s treehugger questions about the new coal-fired power plants he opens every week — awkward!) 156 people have died in this latest bout of Uighur-Han Chinese violence centered in the city Urumqi, which is like China’s Seattle. So. Should Bermudans be worried that the four released Uighurs from Guantanamo Bay will kill them all? Violent deathbot Andy McCarthy of the National Review weighs in! MORE »

Hot damn it’s a good thing the United States refused to allow “these Uighur characters” to resettle in Northern Virginia because, aside from all the terrorism they were planning to plan in your backyard, against you, they are shiftless beach bums who refuse to ever take jobs. You know those slobs who go on Spring Break during college but refuse to ever go back and just slum around the bars of South Padre Island for the rest of their lives, eating raw crawdaddies and roofie-ing wacky old lesbians for bloodsport? Well they are all Uighurs. MORE »

The whole notion of a “British Commonwealth” was supposedly just a cutesy, historic relic to rake in tourism dollars for everyone, and to allow England to pretend it’s still important, right? Well that may have been the situation at, say, 7:30 a.m. on September 11, 2001, but only a couple hours later the world changed, and terrorism was invented. And now the Britons have learned that one of its commonwealth islands, Bermuda, got drunk last night and accepted four of the seventeen Uighurs from Guantanamo Bay, without asking the Queen’s permission, in an obvious Security Risk. Time to bring in the Lobsterbacks, to slaughter Bermuda into submission. MORE »

These lucky ducklings! All they had to do was spend a mere seven or eight years in prison because they happened to be in Afghanistan when the US invaded, and now they are getting sent to exotic islands all around the world in exchange for their troubles. Yesterday we learned that a bunch of Uighurs were going to Palau, which will melt into the sea soon, and today we find out a handful more have already been settled in Bermuda, known for its wonderful “Triangle” that mysteriously eats people. MORE »