Wonkette

OK, so maybe the McCain campaign has done its private polling and thinks this stuff will work, but… couldn’t they try to be slightly more ridiculous? We speak of the memo that idiot campaign manager Rick Davis sent out today: “Only a celebrity of Barack Obama’s magnitude could attract 200,000 fans in Berlin who gathered for the mere opportunity to be in his presence. These are not supporters or even voters, but fans fawning over The One. Only celebrities like Barack Obama go to the gym three times a day, demand ‘MET-RX chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and bottles of a hard-to-find organic brew — Black Forest Berry Honest Tea’ and worry about the price of arugula.” What is this saying, exactly? MORE »

It’s not just John McCain, but all of “these people,” who can think of no better way to spend their time than by making petty one-liners about Barack Obama giving a speech to a large number of human beings somewhere. Famous conservative bastion The Corner — the National Review’s chit-chatty blog — is having a field day even by its high standards. After the jump, some of the notable moments from this online club of semi-literate divorcees forever bitching about their exes. MORE »

• WAIT, WHAT?: The Washington Post’s masterful Chris Cillizza: “A huge crowd today could be a mixed blessing for Obama. On the one hand, it is a potent symbol of the excitement his candidacy has caused worldwide. On the other, thousands and thousands of cheering Germans may not play well stateside. Does a big crowd work to Obama’s benefit or detriment? Or somewhere in between?” The teevee crowd, of course, shares this sentiment. What do these people mean? That the “benefit” is the image of a large, excited crowd, and the “detriment” is that it’s a large, excited crowd of Nazis? [WP/The Fix]

Mean old John McCain was all, “Oh yeah, boy? Go fight The Kaiser in Nazi Germany like I did, then we’ll see who was tortured.” So Barack Obama got on a plane and went to Germany, via every other country in the world, and now he’s going to give his famous speech! We are going to liveblog it! You can tell your kids about this day, when you were at work, and Wonkette liveblogged some thing on teevee! MORE »

• YES, WE WILL BE LIVEBLOGGING OBAMA’S BERLIN SPEECH: From the moment he flies in on his Bat-wings to his ecstatic departure aboard the Paultard zeppelin to Mars, we will be there with you, typing. Stay tuned.

Here’s the fourth paragraph in today’s offering from New York Times “lightning rod conservative” columnist Bill Kristol: “The Siegessäule is an impressive structure (especially if you have a militaristic bent). It’s a large fluted sandstone column on a base of polished red granite, topped by a golden statue of winged Victory. Completed in 1873, it commemorates Prussia’s victories in the previous decade over Denmark, Austria and France. The column was lengthened and relocated to its present site in 1939.” Well now you know more about the large cock in the middle of Berlin from which Barack Obama will deliver his Speech this week. This is what Kristol does to us. MORE »

Barry Obama’s still living large on his European/Central Asian/Middle East luxury basketball vacation, which will finish up with a big speech rally thing in Berlin, the German city where David Bowie recorded Heroes. But just like when JFK and Ronald Reagan went to East Berlin and demanded that Hitler “Tear Down That Wall,” it seems Obama is bringing his own “Ugly American” act to Deutschland. MORE »

After veritable days of speculation about where Barack Obama would deliver an inspirational speech to the German people — the sausage barn where JFK declared he was a donut? the Reichstag? Angela Merkel’s bosom? — we finally get an answer. He will speak in front of Berlin’s “Siegessaeule,” or Victory Column! According to Politico, it is “a symbol of Prussian military dominance in the 19th century.” Barack Obama will spread his message of hope and peace from atop a giant War Dildo. [Welt Online via Politico]

Here is your Barack Obama on the cover of a German magazine called zitty, which according to Wonkette German Translation Operative Mia is “Berlin’s version of Time Out.” She writes, “The headline translates roughly to, ‘I am Black! And that’s great.’ It’s a word play on the coming-out speech of Berlin’s gay mayor.” The article begins with a Morrissey quote, in order to make Barack Obama seem even gayer. [zitty Berlin]

Pictured: The hell on Earth that is State Department housing in Berlin

The life of State Department Official posted overseas is not an easy one. Forced to live in Europe with free accommodations, living the degraded and stressful life of a diplomat with a fat government paycheck, who can blame them when they snap and send out mass emails to everyone in Berlin full of petty complaints?

From: [Redacted]
Sent: Friday, April 07, 2006 12:45
To: [Redacted], Berlin Hegewinkel Residents
Subject: RE: I heard you are removing trees from Hegewinkel today

As a residing tenant of Am Hagewinkel, I am a bit resentful of “A select few” speaking for the masses. I unfortunately, in this case, am also the Deputy [Redacted] here in Berlin. I get nothing special and have to be the last in line for anything received, to ensure there is “fair and equitable” distribution of any perks given.

Solely speaking as a resident, I resent ALL the problems you, your husband, Mr. [Redacted], and [Redacted] have caused some of the residents such as myself. Mr. [Redacted] made a point of speaking about the dog issue. I have sent my dog through a search and rescue school in Florida, which cost me a lot of money. She is trained on command and likes to run freely OFF leash. Having a fenced in compound was a great safety net for her to not encounter outside animals. She would do her “business” outside of the perimeter, then freely play on compound. This was a privilege that we (you, [Redacted], myself and several parents of furry, four legged animals residing there) were enjoying. I now have to walk her through the grunewald to avoid any appearance of my pet or myself, of being “special”. BUT, I do notice that your husband DOES NOT clean up after your two puppies. I have also notice that I have not seen [Redacted]’s dog walked ON LEASH. As a matter of fact, not long ago, while conducting a fire inspection at the Am Hagewinkel property, I noticed [Redacted]’s husband skateboarding freely during the day, and their dog was completely unattended off leash. Personally, I think this is great that their dog is also trained off leash. That they consider, as most of us who have chosen not to have children, their pet as a family member. It is wonderful to walk outside with your dog and watch it play freely in a safe environment without a leash. But through your and [Redacted]’s complaints, you have RUINED it for us all.

Full angry, craigslist-ready rant, after the jump. It eventually rises to a brilliant, beautiful fever pitch.

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