It’s time for the TeeVee Personality Newz here at Wonkette! In today’s first-and-only edition, Keith Olbermann acts like a jackass! According to New York’s CityFile, MSNBC’s “Wost Person in the World” stomped off the job for three nights because his pal and protege Rachel Maddow had movie star/Web traffic expert Ben Affleck booked for her April 16 show. But Olbermann decided Jennifer Garner’s husband needed to be on Olbermann’s April 16 show. When MSNBC executives refused to grant his wish, Keith stormed away and didn’t return to work until three shows later. MORE »

Every four years, America learns that young, attractive entertainers like Miss Jennifer Garner support the Democrats, while, uh, Bo Derek supports the Republicans. But this presidential campaign is so different! Why? Because there are now old, ugly entertainers supporting a Democrat. The photo evidence may shock you! MORE »

You know what has three syllables? “Matt Damon.” Also “Ben Affleck.” Now, scientific research proves that “Obama” also has three syllables, and thus is eligible for the Sarah Silverman formulation of “I’m fucking [three-syllable word]” for instant comedy gold. MORE »

WAIT! We have a tip that Ben Affleck is wandering around Rayburn at this very minute, wearing a camel coat and looking yummy. These are the moments in life for which cell phone cameras were invented! Email us, please. I mean, I suppose you could tell us why he’s there or something, but we like pictures.

Hollywood glossy Fade In has entered the political slipstream with celebrity one-on-one interviews with presidential candidates. In its current issue, the mag teams Gigli star Ben Affleck with Hillary Clinton, grinning coke monkey Oliver Stone and John (His hair was perfect) Edwards, and Bermudian Michael Douglas with the overlooked and understated Bill Richardson. Celebrities and Politicians? Hmmm…if only we could tap that sort of synergy! We could, like, launch a magazine named after a president or something. MORE »

We’d like to welcome Roxanne Roberts and Amy Argetsinger to the Washington gossip world on this, the debut of their joint-bylined (”twice the gossip-power”!) “Reliable Source.” They jumped out of the gate awfully fast after being hired barely a month ago, leading with a piece on the quasi-possible-maybe-potential Senate candidacy of Ben Affleck, exclaiming “If you liked him as Bennifer . . . you’ll love him as Benator!” (Perhaps, though we suspect Ben Nelson will be pissed.) The debut is made all the more impressive by the inclusion of an on-the-record quote from the reclusive Larry Sabato. As Jackie Harvey might say: Item! MORE »

• Bush calls for oil conservation: “We can all pitch in. People just need to recognize that the storms have caused disruption.” [NYT, WT]
• Bush may endorse expansion of the military’s responsibilities in responses to natural disasters. [NYT, WT]
• Congressional Republicans turn attention to unsteady oil market; proposals will likely become Energy Bill II. Bush: “The storms have shown how fragile the balance is between supply and demand in America.” [WSJ]
• Republicans change rhetoric about fiscal policy, not the policy itself. [WP]
• Hundreds of anti-war protesters led by Cindy Sheehan are arrested in front of the White House; they lacked a permit. [WP]
• Bush hints next Supreme Court nominee will not be a white male. [NYT]

MORE »

• Names & Faces: Jordan’s King Abdullah II frequents the Georgetown Safeway. . . Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner skip out on Capitol Hill gala. [WP]
• Inside the Beltway: Kerry was eating at Cafe Milano when Bush was addressing the nation. [WT]
• Under the Dome: Hillary, Begala, Obama, Dodd, Safire among those set to roast Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Ill.) tonight. . . Rep. Collin Peterson (D-Minn.), Rep. Thaddeus McCotter (R-Mich.), Rep. Dave Weldon (R-Fla.), Rep. Jon Porter (R-Nev.), and Rep. Kenny Hulshof (R-Mo.) play Farm Aid. . . Rep. John Kline’s (R-Minn.) son leaves to serve in Iraq. [The Hill]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Dick Morris yells at fellow flyers: “Goddamn it! Shut up! I’m trying to sleep!” [NYDN]
• Rush & Molloy: Patricia Arquette: “All the poor, all the working poor who live from paycheck to paycheck. . . I know Trent Lott’s gonna get a new house. But a lot of people aren’t.” [NYDN]