Wonkette

Do you understand how the economy works? Ha ha, of course you don’t. Nobody does! Our “robust economic system” is a dense network of horrifying gambles, pyramid schemes, and pure scams that were mostly made up on the fly for short-term gain so that somebody could cash out and move to some island safe from the eventual looting. Nevertheless, our noble political cartoonists have done their best to help you understand the anarchy that is destroying your retirement fund (such as it was): by portraying it as a series of adorable animals! See the poverty zoo, after the jump. MORE »

America’s Princess Diplobot had a busy end of March: She celebrated 4,000 troop deaths in Iraq, reminisced about slavery, and reignited vice presidential rumors all by herself, by doing nothing more than talking to a friendly bear. Way to go, girl! Catch up with Condi after the jump!

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Yesterday, David Phillips shocked us back to the 1980s with the tale of his sloppy, cheap and degrading sex tryst with Sen. Larry Craig. Today, we have been bombarded with various reactions, comments and interview requests. The first response came from the senator-sucking bear himself, David Phillips, who apparently flew into some sort of red-faced rage of embarrassment when he first saw the post. While he agreed to come forward with his story, seeing his hairy, bearish image and his own words freaked him out. He finally calmed down, but not without some left-handed threats to Princess Sparkle Pony (our guest editor who broke the story). Phillips promised to track down Pony only wearing a Laura Bush mask and show him the business end of a strap-on dildo. Promises, promises. MORE »

LIONEL HUTZ: “As a heads up to everyone: The next time you are attacked by an enraged black bear, drop to your knees and offer it $20 to suck its cock. This will keep you from becoming a statistic.” [Wonkette Comments]

New quarter design blah blah blah Alaska blah blah blah OMG Sarah Palin continues to be the hottest governor ever. MORE »

From rural Mexico to our crumbling ghettos, nothing amuses folks like a vicious fight between chickens or pit bulls. That’s why Washington’s beloved World Wildlife Federation is now holding virtual animal fights! Also, it’s a really odd way to tie wildlife conservation to, uhm, the Super Bowl.

We’ve always wondered if it was an accident that the panda-loving lobbyists shared “WWF” with the World Wrestling Federation. MORE »

• Israeli officials said the current Lebanon offensive will last for weeks, and ground forces have not been ruled out. The Israeli death toll is 24, the Lebanese is at 200+. US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will travel to the Middle East “to try to resolve the crisis,” according to administration officials, but there’s no word as to when. [WP, NYT]

• The key to escalating or defusing the conflict may rest with Syrian President Bashar Assad — a “diplomatic neophyte,” and the subject of President Bush’s on-mic strategizing at the G8 summit. [W$J]
• President Bush says he will use his very first veto on any bill providing federal funding for stem cell research. [WP, Roll Call]
• A live microphone at a dinner at the G8 summit picked up and broadcast President Bush discussing policy, swearing, and interacting with other world leaders. [WP, NYT]
• Senator Lindsay Graham, a former military lawyer, is fighting the Bush administration on detainee rights and court-martials. [NYT]
• Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-GA) faces a three-way Democratic primary. McKinney, who hit a Capitol Police officer with a cell phone four months ago, is expected to win handily. [The Hill]
• The House of Representatives approved a treaty to protect polar bears. [AP]

It’s Friday, we’re posting pictures of a guy in a bear suit.

Says the tipster who sent it in: “here in TN i can guarantee you that the voters are BEARLY paying attention to this controversy.” MORE »

Local campaigns are so much more colorful than national ones. They involve all the best stunts:

There’s a bear on the loose in this year’s [gubernatorial campaign.

A man dressed in a bear costume and wearing a highway trooper-style hat has appeared at several of Gov. Phil Bredesen’s re-election campaign stops this week, holding up signs demanding the Democratic governor return campaign contributions made by members of the Tennessee Highway Patrol.

“The bear is a friendly reminder that the governor needs to ‘bear’ more responsibility,” Chris Devaney, executive director of the state Republican Party, said Thursday.

Yeah, we’re groaning too.

If you can “bear” with us — HARHAR — there’s a little more, after the jump.

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13:00 — Hotline has the following details: Cap police have started their search, are entering offices with guns drawn. Scary, but totally AWESOME! Also — the person on the gurney in the ambulance? Not actually injured. HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!

MSNBC reports that Rep. Jim Saxton (R-NJ) is one of the people who heard the shots (”one of”?).

More fun speculation: gunman in gym = plainclothes cop?

12:30 — Dana Bash: Two women came out of the gym very excitedly claiming that there was a man with a gun in there. African-american woman wheeled out on gurney, put in ambulance. “Conflicting reports.”

The Cap police just sent out a hilarious bulletin, we’ve put it after the jump. Highlight: “During the search, the police officers will knock 3 times on each office door, announce ‘United States Capitol Police’, knock 3 additional times, and then voice the code word ‘BASEBALL’.”

Twice on the pipe, of course, means IT’S THE GUNMAN.

Rest of the coverage, after the jump.

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