Wonkette

Rejoice, polar bears! The United States Department of the Interior just announced that the number one source of cute white bears in the world — arctic polar bears — will be designated a threatened species because of the Global Warming, which the Republicans are going to fix because John McCain remembers how tough things were during the last Ice Age. MORE »

For the first time since the Great Depression the Secretary of the Interior is making news with a proposal. The Secretary, whose name is… let’s ask Google… Kempthorne, Dirk Kempthorne, “proposed new regulations Wednesday that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon in some national parks and wildlife refuges.” Someone has been stealing Kempthorne’s pic-a-nic baskets recently, and he is Bitter and Clinging To Guns? Or maybe he’s just going through a terrible divorce/lobotomy. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon

You may faithfully tune in daily to America’s favorite filthy-minded political blog, but I’m betting that you actually have very little idea about what’s going on in the so-called “news,” am I right? Sure, you could listen to the bloviation on broadcast TV or the high-pitched shrieking on cable, but that will kill your soul by degrees. Wouldn’t it be great if you could get a quick recap of the week’s important stories … in cartoon form? If you said “yes,” then today is your lucky day, my friend. MORE »

Aw, how cute. The Vermont Teddy Bear Company has made a series of stuffed critters representing our various presidential candidates. The Hillary bear wears a yellow jacket and has a big ass. The Obama bear is brown and wears casual shirtsleeves. And the John McCain bear glows a corpselike, pearlescent white and needs its diapers changed thrice daily. This is why we are voting for “Mom.” [Be Bear: The Blog]

Do you understand how the economy works? Ha ha, of course you don’t. Nobody does! Our “robust economic system” is a dense network of horrifying gambles, pyramid schemes, and pure scams that were mostly made up on the fly for short-term gain so that somebody could cash out and move to some island safe from the eventual looting. Nevertheless, our noble political cartoonists have done their best to help you understand the anarchy that is destroying your retirement fund (such as it was): by portraying it as a series of adorable animals! See the poverty zoo, after the jump. MORE »

America’s Princess Diplobot had a busy end of March: She celebrated 4,000 troop deaths in Iraq, reminisced about slavery, and reignited vice presidential rumors all by herself, by doing nothing more than talking to a friendly bear. Way to go, girl! Catch up with Condi after the jump!

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Yesterday, David Phillips shocked us back to the 1980s with the tale of his sloppy, cheap and degrading sex tryst with Sen. Larry Craig. Today, we have been bombarded with various reactions, comments and interview requests. The first response came from the senator-sucking bear himself, David Phillips, who apparently flew into some sort of red-faced rage of embarrassment when he first saw the post. While he agreed to come forward with his story, seeing his hairy, bearish image and his own words freaked him out. He finally calmed down, but not without some left-handed threats to Princess Sparkle Pony (our guest editor who broke the story). Phillips promised to track down Pony only wearing a Laura Bush mask and show him the business end of a strap-on dildo. Promises, promises. MORE »

LIONEL HUTZ: “As a heads up to everyone: The next time you are attacked by an enraged black bear, drop to your knees and offer it $20 to suck its cock. This will keep you from becoming a statistic.” [Wonkette Comments]

New quarter design blah blah blah Alaska blah blah blah OMG Sarah Palin continues to be the hottest governor ever. MORE »

From rural Mexico to our crumbling ghettos, nothing amuses folks like a vicious fight between chickens or pit bulls. That’s why Washington’s beloved World Wildlife Federation is now holding virtual animal fights! Also, it’s a really odd way to tie wildlife conservation to, uhm, the Super Bowl.

We’ve always wondered if it was an accident that the panda-loving lobbyists shared “WWF” with the World Wrestling Federation. MORE »