When you heard the news about Mitt Romney being terribly disrespectful to Sarah Palin by suggesting she’s only important because she’s purty, you probably wondered what this Alaskan “mama bear” would do about it. MORE »

If you go to the Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus show Over the Top, don’t expect Cirque du Soleil, because you’re not going to get it. You’re going to get what you paid $15 for — lousy tricks, uncoordinated dancing and cheesy dialogue. However, you will be enlightened with knowing where exactly Eastern European women are finding work opportunities in this tough environment. MORE »

We have finally solved a great mystery here at Wonkette International Headquarters! We kept seeing these insane commercials on the teevee, with Beyoncé encouraging us to upgrade to digital cable while she writhed around in golden garbs and held a menacing trinket in her teeth reading “UPGRADE.” Since when, we asked, did Beyoncé care about anything as prosaic as technology? It turns out this digital cable commercial is just a rehash of an actual song about materialistic things, which we would have known if we ever hung out with youngsters. MORE »

So the poor sad bear cub that was dumped, dead, on the campus of Western Carolina University with Obama signs over its head was not some weird violent threat-omen against black people or Democratic voters or bears. ‘Twas a lighthearted prank, carried out by a couple of whimsical young men, for larfs! MORE »

Here’s a fun “treasure” map for everyone who wishes to know where the real Bitters in this country dwell: take any wide East Coast state — North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York — start at the ocean, move directly west through the beaches and the cornfields, then the cities and centers of commerce, the suburbs, the exurbs, more fields, and after a few hours you’ll reach some foothills, and it is there, in any of these states, that you’ll find places like Cullowhee, North Carolina, where dead bloody grizzly black bears [oh now we get it! -- Ed.] are left on college campuses and covered in Obama signs for no reason at all beyond meth, moonshine, racism, inbreeding, and a complete break with the unwritten rules of basic decency that supposedly govern a civilized society. MORE »

Thank you to tipster “Terry” for sending us this picture of his teevee displaying the latest sophomoric hijinks from liberal MSNBC. It’s downright immoral the way they keep insulting Hillary Clinton like this.

America’s happiest moment in eight years was when that dude in a bear suit comically walked down the beach while that local-teevee reporter described some invisible pier, during Hurricane Ike. Poor old Ralph Nader wonders aloud, to his running mate, a bird named “Gonzalez,” if maybe he should wear a bear suit and fuck a panda at the National Zoo. Sure, why not. Nader also asks, sadly, why nobody wants to cover his campaign. The answer is simple: YOU RUINED EVERYTHING IN 2000, NADER. IT IS YOUR FAULT, ALL OF THIS. [Andrew Sullivan]

Here is a clip of what one flustered CNN anchor calls “two guys pretending to console each other” after yesterday’s carnage on Wall Street. (SHHH DON’T TELL ANYONE IT IS SOME SORT OF HOWARD STERN PRANK.) After the jump, Hurricane Ike comes to town … in a bear suit. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon

While most Americans have just now started paying attention to the Presidential election (holy smokes, did you know there’s a black fella running? And some kind of moose lady?), we know that you faithful Wonkette readers have been following it since the day it began, which is to say November 4, 2004. Therefore, because whimsical cartoons are supposed to take your mind away from the daily horrors of your existence, we here at Cartoon Violence offer a one-week respite from the presidential campaign, which we’re sure you’ll appreciate. After that, it’s back to John McCain’s weirdly lumpy cheeks for the next seven weeks, or until we kill ourselves. MORE »

Rejoice, polar bears! The United States Department of the Interior just announced that the number one source of cute white bears in the world — arctic polar bears — will be designated a threatened species because of the Global Warming, which the Republicans are going to fix because John McCain remembers how tough things were during the last Ice Age. MORE »

For the first time since the Great Depression the Secretary of the Interior is making news with a proposal. The Secretary, whose name is… let’s ask Google… Kempthorne, Dirk Kempthorne, “proposed new regulations Wednesday that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon in some national parks and wildlife refuges.” Someone has been stealing Kempthorne’s pic-a-nic baskets recently, and he is Bitter and Clinging To Guns? Or maybe he’s just going through a terrible divorce/lobotomy. MORE »