Tag Archives: bears

  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Gay Oregon Bears Will Use Jeb Bush To Fight For Equality

First the digitally-added duck, now an owl.
Thursday’s Rachel Maddow Show kicked off with a salute to Oregon, whose politics are strange and whose wildlife is uppity. There’s the seemingly never-ending parade of weird in the state’s minority Republican Party: The party chair asked people to send him pee samples, and their 2014 Senate candidate, who ran her entire campaign against Obamacare, applied for a job running the state’s Obamacare program after she lost the election. Read more on Morning Maddow: Gay Oregon Bears Will Use Jeb Bush To Fight For Equality…
  Teach A Man To Bloviate And He'll Eat For A Lifetime

Bryan Fischer Was Not Fired From Wingnut Central For Saying Any Of The Following

How can we miss you if you won't go away?
When we heard the news last night that Bryan Fischer was fired by the American Patriarchy Association, our first thought was that it couldn’t have happened to a nicer wingnut. Our second thought was that this could be really bad for Yr. Wonkette, as a casual search through the archives shows that Mr. Fischer is a near-endless source of stupid hilarity. And our third thought had something to do with beer, as per usual. Read more on Bryan Fischer Was Not Fired From Wingnut Central For Saying Any Of The Following…
  the courage to say the expected

Mayor Of Flower Mound, Texas, Saves Bible From Complete Obscurity With Bold Declaration

Mayor Tom Hayden of Flower Mound, Texas, made an official announcement Wednesday, issuing a proclamation that 2014 would be the Year Of The Bible, so that the city will be all Bible-y. It is a pretty bold move for a suburban mayor in a Texas town with a ton of churches, but maybe, by golly, it’s time for him to stand up and take the risk of saying something that would likely be completely satisfactory to his conservative, affluent constituents, no matter how much praise he might get for his courage in endorsing the religious views of the overwhelming majority. It’s good to see a mayor willing to do the easy thing, isn’t it? Read more on Mayor Of Flower Mound, Texas, Saves Bible From Complete Obscurity With Bold Declaration…
  oh my

Michigan Lawmakers Want To Let You Own Lions And Tigers, Just As The Founding Fathers Intended

Let’s say you live in Michigan and want to buy a man-eating wild animal. Thanks to burdensome regulations, it’s very difficult to buy a tiger or a bear unless you are a major civic institution zoo. That’s the government for ya, always hassling the small businessman. Thankfully, brave patriots in the Michigan legislature plan to remedy the situation with what we we’ll just pretend is called the Freedom To Own Tigers And Lions Act of 2012. Freedom To Own Tigers And Lions is all about creating more and better jobs, as Governor Rick Snyder might say. Read more on Michigan Lawmakers Want To Let You Own Lions And Tigers, Just As The Founding Fathers Intended…
  free the picinic baskets!

AFA: We Must Kill the Demon-Cursed Bears Before They Kill Us

The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer left us a present in the RSS feed this morning: a pleasant blog post about how WE MUST KILL ALL OF THE BEARS. Fischer takes offense to a report that global warming has tweaked Yellowstone grizzly bears’ food supply, causing some of them to go after humans and get shot in the process. “God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse. The tragic thing here is that we are bringing this curse upon ourselves.” So Bryan Fischer believes in global warming? Don’t be silly. He believes in the curse of our country’s failing morality and in the curse of NOT SHOOTING DEAD ALL THE BEARS IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW. Read more on AFA: We Must Kill the Demon-Cursed Bears Before They Kill Us…
  rumors on the internets

The End Times Aren’t Looking So Bad Right Now

The out-of-control Patriot Act allowed one of Obama’s best friends, a BLACK BEAR, to waltz into some poor family’s home, eat their fruit, and steal one of their most precious toys, ALL WITHOUT A WARRANT. [Daily Intel] Read more on The End Times Aren’t Looking So Bad Right Now…
  uhhhh

A Questionable Night at the Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus

If you go to the Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus show Over the Top, don’t expect Cirque du Soleil, because you’re not going to get it. You’re going to get what you paid $15 for — lousy tricks, uncoordinated dancing and cheesy dialogue. However, you will be enlightened with knowing where exactly Eastern European women are finding work opportunities in this tough environment. Read more on A Questionable Night at the Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus…
  words as chewable objects

Behold The Alaskan Hope Bear

We have finally solved a great mystery here at Wonkette International Headquarters! We kept seeing these insane commercials on the teevee, with Beyoncé encouraging us to upgrade to digital cable while she writhed around in golden garbs and held a menacing trinket in her teeth reading “UPGRADE.” Since when, we asked, did Beyoncé care about anything as prosaic as technology? It turns out this digital cable commercial is just a rehash of an actual song about materialistic things, which we would have known if we ever hung out with youngsters. Read more on Behold The Alaskan Hope Bear…
  idiot pranks

Terrible Racist Dead Bear Shrine Not Racist After All

So the poor sad bear cub that was dumped, dead, on the campus of Western Carolina University with Obama signs over its head was not some weird violent threat-omen against black people or Democratic voters or bears. ‘Twas a lighthearted prank, carried out by a couple of whimsical young men, for larfs! Read more on Terrible Racist Dead Bear Shrine Not Racist After All…
  nation of bears

Bitters Kill Bear, Cover It With Obama Posters, What Is Wrong With People

Here’s a fun “treasure” map for everyone who wishes to know where the real Bitters in this country dwell: take any wide East Coast state — North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York — start at the ocean, move directly west through the beaches and the cornfields, then the cities and centers of commerce, the suburbs, the exurbs, more fields, and after a few hours you’ll reach some foothills, and it is there, in any of these states, that you’ll find places like Cullowhee, North Carolina, where dead bloody grizzly black bears [oh now we get it! — Ed.] are left on college campuses and covered in Obama signs for no reason at all beyond meth, moonshine, racism, inbreeding, and a complete break with the unwritten rules of basic decency that supposedly govern a civilized society. Read more on Bitters Kill Bear, Cover It With Obama Posters, What Is Wrong With People…
  furries

Ralph Nader Talks Sadly To Bird, Contemplates Wearing Bear Suit

America’s happiest moment in eight years was when that dude in a bear suit comically walked down the beach while that local-teevee reporter described some invisible pier, during Hurricane Ike. Poor old Ralph Nader wonders aloud, to his running mate, a bird named “Gonzalez,” if maybe he should wear a bear suit and fuck a panda at the National Zoo. Sure, why not. Nader also asks, sadly, why nobody wants to cover his campaign. The answer is simple: YOU RUINED EVERYTHING IN 2000, NADER. IT IS YOUR FAULT, ALL OF THIS. [Andrew Sullivan] Read more on Ralph Nader Talks Sadly To Bird, Contemplates Wearing Bear Suit…
  that's not funny

Background Hijinks Disrupt Important Reporting Of Financial News, Weather

Here is a clip of what one flustered CNN anchor calls “two guys pretending to console each other” after yesterday’s carnage on Wall Street. (SHHH DON’T TELL ANYONE IT IS SOME SORT OF HOWARD STERN PRANK.) After the jump, Hurricane Ike comes to town … in a bear suit. Read more on Background Hijinks Disrupt Important Reporting Of Financial News, Weather…
  cartoon violence

Hey Here’s An Idea Let’s Talk About Not The Election Maybe?

By the Comics Curmudgeon While most Americans have just now started paying attention to the Presidential election (holy smokes, did you know there’s a black fella running? And some kind of moose lady?), we know that you faithful Wonkette readers have been following it since the day it began, which is to say November 4, 2004. Therefore, because whimsical cartoons are supposed to take your mind away from the daily horrors of your existence, we here at Cartoon Violence offer a one-week respite from the presidential campaign, which we’re sure you’ll appreciate. After that, it’s back to John McCain’s weirdly lumpy cheeks for the next seven weeks, or until we kill ourselves. Read more on Hey Here’s An Idea Let’s Talk About Not The Election Maybe?…
 

Vicious, Cute Ice Bears Saved By Bush Administration

Rejoice, polar bears! The United States Department of the Interior just announced that the number one source of cute white bears in the world — arctic polar bears — will be designated a threatened species because of the Global Warming, which the Republicans are going to fix because John McCain remembers how tough things were during the last Ice Age. Read more on Vicious, Cute Ice Bears Saved By Bush Administration…
 

Bush Administration Wants You To Carry Guns In National Parks

For the first time since the Great Depression the Secretary of the Interior is making news with a proposal. The Secretary, whose name is… let’s ask Google… Kempthorne, Dirk Kempthorne, “proposed new regulations Wednesday that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon in some national parks and wildlife refuges.” Someone has been stealing Kempthorne’s pic-a-nic baskets recently, and he is Bitter and Clinging To Guns? Or maybe he’s just going through a terrible divorce/lobotomy. Read more on Bush Administration Wants You To Carry Guns In National Parks…
 

The Horrifyingly Bitter Cartooninated Week That Was

By the Comics Curmudgeon You may faithfully tune in daily to America’s favorite filthy-minded political blog, but I’m betting that you actually have very little idea about what’s going on in the so-called “news,” am I right? Sure, you could listen to the bloviation on broadcast TV or the high-pitched shrieking on cable, but that will kill your soul by degrees. Wouldn’t it be great if you could get a quick recap of the week’s important stories … in cartoon form? If you said “yes,” then today is your lucky day, my friend. Read more on The Horrifyingly Bitter Cartooninated Week That Was…
 

Which Of These Cuddly Bears Is Best Qualified To Lead The Free World?

Aw, how cute. The Vermont Teddy Bear Company has made a series of stuffed critters representing our various presidential candidates. The Hillary bear wears a yellow jacket and has a big ass. The Obama bear is brown and wears casual shirtsleeves. And the John McCain bear glows a corpselike, pearlescent white and needs its diapers changed thrice daily. This is why we are voting for “Mom.” [Be Bear: The Blog] Read more on Which Of These Cuddly Bears Is Best Qualified To Lead The Free World?…
 

A Delightful Menagerie Of Economic Chaos

Do you understand how the economy works? Ha ha, of course you don’t. Nobody does! Our “robust economic system” is a dense network of horrifying gambles, pyramid schemes, and pure scams that were mostly made up on the fly for short-term gain so that somebody could cash out and move to some island safe from the eventual looting. Nevertheless, our noble political cartoonists have done their best to help you understand the anarchy that is destroying your retirement fund (such as it was): by portraying it as a series of adorable animals! See the poverty zoo, after the jump. Read more on A Delightful Menagerie Of Economic Chaos…
 

Beyond the Valley of the Condi Veep Rumors

America’s Princess Diplobot had a busy end of March: She celebrated 4,000 troop deaths in Iraq, reminisced about slavery, and reignited vice presidential rumors all by herself, by doing nothing more than talking to a friendly bear. Way to go, girl! Catch up with Condi after the jump! Read more on Beyond the Valley of the Condi Veep Rumors…