NEW STATE POLLS!: From Time/CNN, conducted Sept. 14-16, in Battleground States. Florida: Obama 48, McCain 48; Indiana: McCain 51, Obama 45; North Carolina: McCain 48, Obama 47; Ohio: Obama 49, McCain 47; Wisconsin: Obama 50, McCain 47. Residents of these states should expect to see an steady influx of lawyers over the next six weeks. Lawyers! And awful lawyers at that, shipped wholesale from outer space in toxic cartons of live rats. [The Page]

Here are some important new Battleground polls that you should take with a grain of salt, because they have not factored in Ron Paul’s 1/3-endorsement of Ralph Nader today. Otherwise, these are pretty good signs for Obama — after all, they were conducted Sept. 7-9, a three-day period during which Democrats caved entirely to their old friend Self-Loathing and Republicans were gaining media traction with the impossible idea that they care about women at all. So why is it that New Hampshire and Michigan are being so Sexist? [The Page]

When a gentleman loves a state very very much, he gives it a box of chocolates and then asks it to go “parking” with him, and then he gropes it for a while and if his love is truly true, he opens up a “post office box” in that state. Thus, a declaration from John McCain’s campaign that the candidate intends to open up a PO box in Pennsylvania means he is serious about romancing the voters there. MORE »

Oh hey look it’s another poll, from the Numbers People! Exciting new statistics show that Barry Obama is ahead of John McCain in the Muslim state of Michigan, plus Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Colorado. This was a poll among likely voters, which your boyfriend Chuck Todd cautions may not be the best measure in a year when turnout is expected to be OFF THE CHAIN Y’ALL. (Chuck prefers registered voters to likely ones, because he is an Elitist.) The point is, John McCain will win in a landslide when a Terrorist Meteor hits Ohio’s beloved Cornhole Tournament and all of America’s likely voters are deported to Guantanamo. [Wall Street Journal]