Tag Archives: bashar al-assad

  Hooray For Bombies

U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!

Just to be clear: This is sarcasm. Really!
Excellent news, everybody! We’re at war again! Ha-ha, we are joking — we are always at war, but we are also never “really” at war! We are at Kinetic Counter-Terrorism Operation again, with shiny new airstrikes on ISIS and on the Khorasan Group in Syria. We are not, however, launching airstrikes on Syria. Just in Syria. See the difference? Read more on U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!…
  from russia with love

Hello! It Is I, Vladimir Putin!

Today Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote an op-ed for The New York Times in which he pleaded with the United States to be cautious in its dealings with Syria. Thanks to the type of journalistic legwork you have come to expect from your Wonkette, we were able to turn up the original draft of Putin’s op-ed, before his handlers and diplomats and people with a better command of the English language put their stamps on it. We present it here for your enlightenment. Greetings, American swine friends. I write to you today from the great city of Moscow, where we are enjoying unusually balmy September weather of nearly 20 degrees on your Fahrenheit scale. Much warmer than relations between your President Obama and myself, yes? Certainly warmer than the liquid nitrogen rocket fuel I have just ordered our glorious Russian military to pump into our nuclear missiles in preparation for launch. Ha ha, I kid! Is old Cold War joke, not unlike what your hero President Reagan used to make, yes? Please everyone go change mass-produced capitalist underwear from Hanes. I will wait. Read more on Hello! It Is I, Vladimir Putin!…
  peace: what is it good for?

A Children’s Treasury Of Bitching About Obama’s Syria Speech

Between the 9/11 anniversary and Syria, there is just not a lot out there this morning, so let’s grit our teeth and shovel through some of the pundit-leavings on Barry’s big Syria speech together, shall we? Let’s start with Peggy Noonan’s pre-speech analysis, in which she proclaims the prospect of Syria’s surrendering its chemical weapons “absurd” and decides that Barack Obama has already given up on a military strike on Syria, but “can’t acknowledge this or act as if it is true.” Therefore, all Obama can do is to play for time: Because with time, with a series of statements, negotiations, ultimatums, promises and proposals, the Syria crisis can pass. It can dissipate into the air, like gas. The president will keep the possibility of force on the table, but really he’s lunging for a lifeline he was lucky to be thrown. We aren’t even sure if Dame Peggy thinks Obama should have been a lot tougher with Syria or if he should have just minded his own beeswax; she is absolutely certain, however, that he has bungled this perfectly manageable situation, “in part because this White House is full of people who know nothing—really nothing—about history. They’ve only seen movies.” And they are not the movies that play nightly in Peggy Noonan’s head, in which Ronald Reagan wears a white horse and stares down bad guys with his nuclear six-shooter. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Bitching About Obama’s Syria Speech…
  columns of mass stupidity

Instapundit Glenn Reynolds Will Now Dumbsplain Why Barack Obama Is Like A Black Neville Chamberlain

If there is one thing for which we can always count on the Ole Perfesser, Glenn “Instapundit” Reynolds, it is his propensity for churning out columns of such rank stupidity and willful ignorance that we wonder if all his former students might have an easily winnable class action lawsuit against him for stealing all their tuition monies in exchange for whatever “education” he pretended to impart to them. Also he’s kind of a schmuck. So let us dive into whatever this tripe is that the screeching poo-flingers of the rightwing monkey house were passing around the Intertubes yesterday, and bang our heads against our desks in a concordant symphony, for freedom: Read more on Instapundit Glenn Reynolds Will Now Dumbsplain Why Barack Obama Is Like A Black Neville Chamberlain…
  how is diplomacy formed?

White House Will Happily Pretend Yesterday’s Syria Breakthrough Was Their Plan All Along

We watched Storage Wars last night instead of the President’s address on Syria, but we read the transcript and we give it a B. Hit the right marks, soaring rhetoric kinda phoned-in. So now let’s commence the giving of mad Syria props because the new narrative is that they solved it with a year of brilliant diplomacy and derring-do. Cool narrative, right? If it’s your bag, here is what you’ll have to believe in order to construct a reality in which Obama and his team did a great job on Syria, and that’s why Assad says he’ll give up his chemical weapons: Read more on White House Will Happily Pretend Yesterday’s Syria Breakthrough Was Their Plan All Along…
  how to succeed in foreign affairs without really trying

Obama, Kerry Are Idiot Savants Of Foreign Policy As Syria Agrees To Surrender Chemical Weapons Like Soonish

The story so far: Barack Obama said: “I am terrible at foreign policy, therefore I will say a bunch of stuff I only half-mean, such as that there’s a red line, and that I’m going to bomb everybody, but it will be obvious I don’t want to, and everyone will think I’m a moron.” Then John Kerry said: “I am even worse at foreign policy than the president and I can say definitively that what is about to happen will never happen.” (KERRY: “[Assad] could turn over every single bit of his chemical weapons to the international community in the next week … He isn’t about to do it, and it can’t be done, obviously.”) Then — HUH!? — Syria said: “Here, actually you can have all our chemical weapons that we did not use and would never use, we are pretty good at murdering people without them after all.” Then Russia said: “We are relevant again!” Then John McCain said: “I would still like to bomb somebody, please.” Read more on Obama, Kerry Are Idiot Savants Of Foreign Policy As Syria Agrees To Surrender Chemical Weapons Like Soonish…
  its a gas gas gas

Syria: Come For The Bloody Civil War, Stay For The Sarin Gas

If you’re done whining about High Overlord Fidel Hitler Obama shoving health care down your throat, let’s take a wee peek outside the United States and explore the lives of people. In some countries, instead of raining down health care, leaders are shelling their own populations with chemical weapons. Per the Washington Post: Horrific photos and videos from Syria on Wednesday showed scores of bodies, including many children, lined up in field hospitals and morgues in the eastern suburbs of Damascus. Opposition spokesmen said they were evidence of a massive chemical weapons attack by the regime of Bashar al-Assad. Hundreds were reported killed, and medical personnel at the scene described symptoms consistent with the use of deadly nerve agents: constricted pupils, foam around the mouth and breathing difficulties. At least they are having breathing difficulties and foaming mouths without the threat of forced health care. Three cheers for freedom, yo!  Read more on Syria: Come For The Bloody Civil War, Stay For The Sarin Gas…
  the nails girls understand

Romney Supporters And Syria’s Assad Have Thing In Common: Nails Girls

While the uneducated, common people in America are completely unaware of “how the systems work,” they are now SO relieved to have Romney supporter woman-in-Range-Rover telling them what’s what. “Nails Girls” across our freedom nation listen with bated breath, while buffing elite nails until they bleed (OOPSY!), for directions from their betters on how to cast their vote. Meanwhile, across the seas in exotic Syria, the poors who aren’t too busy being slaughtered by their dynamic dictator, Olive Oyl G-Man Bashar al-Assad and his British-born steel-spiked-Louboutin-wearing dominatrix “I am the real dictator” wife, have a job to do. (Nails! It is nails!) Read more on Romney Supporters And Syria’s Assad Have Thing In Common: Nails Girls…
  journamalism

We Need To Harsh on Barbara Walters For a Minute

Here is a fun behind-the-scenes glimpse from the nauseating world of sycophantic television journalism*: leaked emails show that the normally-benign daytime tube fixture Barbara Walters tried to help a 22-year-old press aide to murder-hungry Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad obtain preferential treatment with the Columbia University Admissions Office shortly after Walters conducted her interview with Assad, which the aide helped to arrange. Conflict of interest much? Nah. This must be why Walters also offered to help the press aide, Sheherazad Jaafari, obtain a “journalism internship with Piers Morgan,” which then again sounds like such a transparently fake position that we might even hope Walters was trying to prank Jaafari. *Journalism of any kind is not to be confused with “humor blogging,” a basic distinction that nonetheless eludes the crabby wingnuts who frequently write in to your Wonkette to notify us that our “reporting” is “biased.” Read more on We Need To Harsh on Barbara Walters For a Minute…
  right this way

The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Which Five Bloody Dictators Deserve A Date With The Hague?

International Justice Alert: Charles Taylor was sentenced this week by the Hague to serve 50 years in a British Slammer for his heinous acts that he says were done “with honour.” He’s expected to appeal, but chances are he will finish his life behind bars. As we maintain, the world is becoming increasingly inhospitable to asshole dictators. When Laurent Gbagbo refused to accept defeat in the Cote D’Ivore elections of 2010 and systematically started murdering 3,000 of his rival’s supporters, the International Criminal Court literally sent someone down there to trick him into getting on an airplane, where his surprise arrest warrant was issued. He is currently on trial for crimes against humanity. Here are five people we’d like to see tricked into a one-way ticket to the Netherlands: Read more on The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Which Five Bloody Dictators Deserve A Date With The Hague?…
 

The Long Wait Is Over…

Great news! The preliminary results of the criminal probe that’s been on everyone’s lips these past months have been released. UN investigator Detlev Mehlis today published a 54-page document outlining his case in the murder of Lebanese politician Rafiq Hariri. Broadly speaking, Syria did it. The New York Times: Read more on The Long Wait Is Over……
 

All Over But the Shooting

David Ignatius is employing the noir western trope to describe the near-completed UN probe into the murder of Lebanese reformer Rafiq Hariri: A warning of the bloody denouement of this drama came last week, when Syria’s interior minister, Ghazi Kanaan, was found dead in Damascus of a reported suicide. Almost nobody takes that at face value. One version has it that Kanaan was killed (or handed the gun and told to do the honorable thing) as a fall guy in the Hariri killing. I tend to doubt that version, because Kanaan had been close to both Hariri and Washington. Instead, I wonder if his death was a counter-coup by pro-Assad operatives in Damascus who feared Kanaan as a potential rival. I’m told that [UN investigator Detlev] Mehlis asked to examine Kanaan’s body before it was quickly buried, but was refused. Read more on All Over But the Shooting…
 

Mind the Dead Pols on the Road to Damascus

Ah, the good old days in Syria. The lotus flowers were in bloom. The contiguous neighbors were a lot friendlier. You could leave your door unlocked because the police were so effective, they were usually already inside waiting for you when you got home. Read more on Mind the Dead Pols on the Road to Damascus…