CNN host Larry King, the only man in America older than John McCain, has a 9-year-old son who plays Little League baseball in Beverly Hills. And because Larry King grew up back when the sport was called “stickball” and involved tossing around a shrunken pig’s bladder stuffed with India ink, lignum vitae, and torn drafts of the Constitution, he is an Expert who coaches his son’s team. It appears that Coach King didn’t take his mood-control pills the other day, because he flew into a rage at an umpire! MORE »

And here is George W. Bush, America’s best president, getting wildly booed at the first regular season baseball game in Washington’s brand new Nationals Park the other night. As a fairly reserved Keith Olbermann says, the catcher for this “ceremonial” first pitch was not the usual Nationals catcher, who takes steroids. The attendees at this game were all locked in the stadium after the game and ceremonially waterboarded, and later killed. [YouTube]

Thank you to Wonkette operative “Paul” for giving us a sneak peak of the vendors at Nationals Park, the brand new D.C. baseball stadium. Nothing like a fresh brew (and therapy) to wash down a piping hot Senator’s Sausage!

HELP D.C. KIDS FIGHT EVIL NATIONALS BASEBALL PARK: Positive Nature over at 1017 New Jersey Avenue SE is a place for the poor troubled DC kids to hang out and not be shot and to have Hope. But the baseball industry hate kids with problems, so Positive Nature is being forced out of its nice place because of the crazy new property taxes around the new Nationals Park. You could maybe do something good for a change and help ‘em out. [Positive Nature]

After the House ethics committee held an embarrassing hearing earlier this month into whether baseball’s Roger Clemens took steroids at Jose Conseco’s house, once, the Justice Department may now get its turn. Congress has “asked the Justice Department to investigate whether Roger Clemens ‘committed perjury and made knowingly false statements’” to the ethics committee. Did it take him 30 minutes to drive from the golf course to Jose Conseco’s house instead of 20, which Clemens claimed? If it takes a tax hike to figure this out, the American people will gladly accept it. [MSNBC]

High on the list of things I don’t in any way give a shit about is the use of steroids in baseball, or any other sport, or, really, sports at all — beyond having something look at when I’m sitting alone at a bar, and the bartender won’t talk to me anymore because I might have asked her something about carpet and/or drapes. It follows then, that I don’t think investigating the use of steroids or other “performance enhancing drugs” is a good use of Congress’ time or taxpayer dollars or C-SPAN airtime, or even the kilobytes required to store this post. MORE »

Ages ago, it seems, Bud Selig hired George Mitchell (and his law/lobbying firm, DLA Piper) to investigate the steroids-in-baseball controversy and make some policy recommendations. Mitchell held a presser to talk about the conclusions, blah, blah, blah. Whatever, you know you just want to know who he calls out!

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Walnuts’ new ad (for what we assume to be New Hampshire) features Curt Schilling, the frequently injured mercenary pitcher to the Boston Red Sox. Umm, considerably less masculine than Chuck Norris or Ric Flair. Is all we have to say. Go Orioles. [YouTube]

Although Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo is totally a shoe-in to become the next president, the nativist speedaholic is selflessly willing to put it all on the line with a World Series bet against Soxy colleague Mitt Romney. A spokesman for the Tancredo campaign (probably his dog or something) called ABC News this morning with a wager for Mitt Romney: If the Rockies lose the World Series then Tancredo will drop out, if the Red Sox lose then Romney will. It’s a charitable offer to Romney, whose pathetic campaigning has only landed him in first place in both Iowa and New Hampshire polls. The fool can’t recognize a good opportunity when it hits him square in the magic pajamas, and his campaign has rejected the offer. A deflated Tom Tancredo will resume betting on cockfights in the Mexico City underworld. MORE »

More than a few jaws dropped Tuesday when Rudy Giuliani, who once entertained thoughts of working for the Yankees organization and is close friends with former manager Joe Torre, said he was behind the Boston Red Sox in the World Series. Sure, we understand the need for the bullshit stump speech, but Giuliani, who comes from a long line of New York thugs and mobsters, has now decided to shit on the chests of all New Yorkers. MORE »

In this six-minute, State Department-provided clip, Karen Hughes (Under Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy) and Condoleezza Rice, GQ’s MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN WASHINGTON, DC, sit on a couch and chat with Cal Ripken, Jr., the famous baseball player. He apparently works for State now? As… Ambassador of Baseball? MORE »