Change is coming! Our time has come! Yes we can! Votes aren’t quite counted! House divided cannot stand! Winston tastes good like a cigarette should! Began as a whisper! Corn fields of Iowa! Teachers, cooks, hills of Nevada! Voices of the American People! Maybe we don’t have to be divided by the race and the gender! Crumbling schools! Not this time! Yes we can! Stakes Too High! Washington Players! MORE »

Sure, Hopeful Barack Obama just got a bunch of endorsements from important political constituencies such as the mostly naked nymphs of American Apparel, the wealthy elderly survivors of the Grateful Dead, “jam band” hero Dave Matthews and teevee’s Dr. McCoy DeForest Kelly Oscar(TM)-winner Forest Whitaker. But what about half-dead pop groups from 40 years ago? [Funny Or Die]

Sure, he’s a charismatic rainbow child whose half-man, half-Muslim, half-unicorn heritage makes him a ringer for Jack Kennedy. But is Senator Barack Obama maybe too much of a pussy to pull off this election thing? Experts disagree! MORE »

ARNOLD ENDORSES McCAIN WHILE ARNOLD’S KENNEDY WIFE ENDORSES OBAMA: The rich really are different — they’re all insane! Schwarzenegger endorsed John McCain last week, after Rudy Giuliani dropped out in disgrace, and after Schwarzenegger weakly claimed he wouldn’t endorse anyone. But at a “surprise appearance” (with Oprah) in Los Angeles on Sunday, Arnold’s trophy-Kennedy wife Maria Shriver said she’s endorsing Barack Obama. WTF? Aren’t the various first couples supposed to at least pretend they’re on the same team? [New York Sun/Baltimore Sun]

BARRY’S A LOSER AGAIN: Obama’s now down to 53% with Hillary at 32% and John Edwards finally up to 15%. Of course this is with about 15,000 votes counted out of maybe 350,000 ballots, so stay tuned and hit refresh constantly because Mike Gravel could still win this thing! [CNN Election Center SC]

With about a thousand votes counted, Barack Obama is the DESTROYER OF WORLDS with 71% of the vote, followed by Hillary/Bill with 21% and Sad John Edwards with like fourteen votes. What will we learn from all of this? How multi-cultural and bi-racial will the coalition become and what should we make of the dominant African-American electorate and the more diversity compared to … Whoops, sorry, we suddenly just started transcribing whatever horseshit they’re jabbering on Wonkette. Congratulations, South Carolinians! You people are so disenfranchised that only 1% of your vote counts!
Obama Victorious In S.C. [The State]

Jesus, that was fast. With, uh, 0% reporting, MSNBC is projecting a massive victory for Barry Hussein Barack Obama and a crushing, horrific, humbling defeat for Hillary and Bill Clinton. Just kidding about the last part. MORE »

Oprah Winfrey’s endorsement of Barack Obama was supposed to create a permanent coalition between white women who watch daytime teevee and half-Kenyan Harvard Law Review editors. Instead, Oprah’s nutty fans have switched from the television to the Internet, where they’re all leaving terrible messages on Oprah’s own official website message board.

“For the first time in history we actually have a shot at putting a woman in the White House and Oprah backs the black MAN,” some angry lady commented. “She’s choosing her race over her gender.” MORE »

Barry Obama is the first serious black candidate for president since Bill Clinton or Alan Keyes or whoever. But does he know about Martin Luther King Jr.? Yes, he does! He knows you need to go to the church and do the thing and talk all Southern. Even Al Gore could do that, back when Al Gore was about to be elected president, back in 2000. [Washington Post]

OBAMA FINALLY GIVES UP (NEVADA): Barry Hussein did pretty well in Reno, which is a mostly black/Muslim area, but Hillary smashed his Hope down here in Las Vegas, despite the busboys’ union endorsement. Obama’s official statement is a dignified and hopeful message. Ha ha, just kidding: It just whines about all the hundreds of caucus irregularities. Also, Obama won more actual delegates, so he actually won after all! [Las Vegas Sun]

Suck it, Barry! You only got like three percent less than Hillary! NOBODY LIKES BLACK PEOPLE.

Of course, you, the Wonkette reader with Internet Access, already know this, thanks to Newell’s post and, perhaps, teevee news. Lots more coming, including a stupid movie! [Las Vegas Sun]