Tag Archives: barbara bush

  Him smart

Jeb Bush No Like Big Words

He's just a simple caveman candidate
At long last we have an explanation for why Jeb! Bush fucks it up so bad every time he’s asked to answer a question. BECAUSE WORDS IS HARD AND TOUGH. Big words with syllables are for ineffective fancypants elitists like Barack Obama and John Kerry and Hillary Clinton, whereas little words, like the kinds Jeb! and his brother use, are good. He explained this in the same interview in which he said Americans wouldn’t be so poor if we just worked a million more hours per day: Read more on Jeb Bush No Like Big Words…
  Plantface the Nation

George Dubya Bush Says Brother Jeb Has To ‘Earn’ The Presidency, LOL Just Kidding

It's not like he can just hand his brother the presidency
Here’s some shock-and-awing political insight from the man who never had a gig his daddy didn’t set up for him. From the champagne unit of the National Guard, to the Texas governorship, to the state of Florida his brother rigged for him, to the special one-time-only Bush v. Gore present gifted by the Supreme Court, we are pretty certain George Dubya Bush never would have usurped his way to power if not for his powerful family. But no! Turns out that he’s just a regular schlub who had to earn his way to the top, and if Jeb “the smarter one” Bush wants to have his turn at playing president, he’ll have to earn it the old fashioned way too. Read more on George Dubya Bush Says Brother Jeb Has To ‘Earn’ The Presidency, LOL Just Kidding…
  next time try ok cupid

New York Man Arrested Before He Could Shoot GW Bush, Win Daughter Barbara’s Love In A Dying America

So here is a thing that happened: A New York man armed with a rifle, boxes of ammunition and a machete was arrested Friday after allegedly threatening to kill former President George W. Bush, according to a federal court complaint. Apparently, Benjamin Smith also thought that once he’d killed the former president, he would then win the hand of Bush’s daughter Barbara. Is there a specific DSM diagnosis for people with delusions involving making someone love you by killing a politician? We would not be surprised if there were. Read more on New York Man Arrested Before He Could Shoot GW Bush, Win Daughter Barbara’s Love In A Dying America…
  FLOTUS like a butterfly

Michelle Obama Is Being A Thug Again

It has been a rough week for non-thugs in America, as blackity-black people are flaunting their sportsball prowess all over the place. Why, even Michelle Obama used the precious sacred White House space to FLOTUS like a butterfly, sting like a bee, and dunk on the Miami Heat. Read more on Michelle Obama Is Being A Thug Again…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Scrapbook Of Scum And Villainy

Happy weekend, wonktastic ones! You know how it works: Every weekend we see what horrible crud is stuck in our open browser tabs, bring you the stories that are too stoopid to ignore, but not quite worth a full post on their own, and then spend the rest of the day waiting for Heidi N. Moore to complain that we STOLED her brilliant idea that was hers first. And so we proudly present “Today in Tabs, by Heidi N. Moore.” Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Scrapbook Of Scum And Villainy…
  not quite ready for same-socks unions however

Nice Time! George HW And Barbara Bush Attend Same-Sex Wedding In Maine

Here’s some genuine Nice Time for your Thursday — George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush served as witnesses at the wedding of Bonnie Clement and Helen Thorgalsen on Saturday. The couple co-own a general store in Kennebunk, Maine. Thorgalsen posted the photo above on Facebook with the note “Getting our marriage license witnessed!” Sorry to see that Mr. Bush had to use a wheelchair, but those are some spiffy, festive star-spangled socks. Read more on Nice Time! George HW And Barbara Bush Attend Same-Sex Wedding In Maine…
  she also never silenced her cell phone

Mean Old Bat Barbara Bush Cries At Civil Rights Movie, Suggesting Deep Empathy For Fictionalized Black People

Director Lee Daniels has a new movie coming out in a couple weeks, and in addition to the excellent news that it will have a considerably shorter title than his last one, we also learn from Politico today that it had the power to make Barbara Bush cry. After getting a fan email from the former First Lady telling him that she was a huge fan of Precious, Based on the Novel Push By Sapphire and Screened On Our Blu-Ray Player in Kennebunkport By That Nice Young Man What Was His Name Again? Daniels brought a copy of his new film, The Butler, to screen for the Bushes in Maine a few months ago. They liked it, he says. But he would say that, wouldn’t he? Read more on Mean Old Bat Barbara Bush Cries At Civil Rights Movie, Suggesting Deep Empathy For Fictionalized Black People…
  four families of the apocalypse

Barbara Bush As Sick Of All These Bushes As The Rest Of Us

Hey, America’s favorite (just kidding!) first lady, Barbara Bush! We know how we feel about the legacy of your son, George W. Bush, and we know how America feels about it (they LOVE it!), but why don’t you dust off that “famously blunt” mouthhole of yours and tell us how you feel. Should Jebbie be president next? Oh, not no, but FUCK NO? “He’s by far the best qualified,” Mrs. Bush said, “but no.” “We’ve had enough Bushes,” she said, saying “it’s not just four families, or whatever.” Well shit. OK then, what about Neilsie? Read more on Barbara Bush As Sick Of All These Bushes As The Rest Of Us…
  parting is such sweet sorrow

RNC Offers Video Tributes To Ron Paul, Other Losers

Sorry you can’t be president Ron Paul! Also, sorry you didn’t win enough states (any states, the Virgin Islands is not a state) and thus couldn’t secure a speaking slot at the Republican National Convention! Also also, sorry they treated your delegates all mean and changed the delegate rules so you and people like you won’t get delegates ever again! But here, would you like a gauzy, high-production-values video tribute? Would that placate you and your angry, weirdo followers? Probably not, but we’ll show the video anyway after the jump, what harm could it do. Read more on RNC Offers Video Tributes To Ron Paul, Other Losers…
  conspiracy alert

George W. Bush Had Top Secret Prior Info That Obama Would Win in 2008

New reports out of France suggest that George W. Bush had prior knowledge of the evil librul plot to destroy America by electing an overwhelmingly centrist politician to succeed him. Let’s have the dirt, Buzzfeed: “George W. Bush told French President Nicolas Sarkozy that he had early intelligence that Democrat Barack Obama would be his successor in the White House: His [hilariously drunken] daughters were enthusiastic supporters of the Democrat, according to an account from a top French official.” There you have it. Just like every other horrible tragedy to befall the United States, George W. Bush was warned ahead of time. [Buzzfeed] Read more on George W. Bush Had Top Secret Prior Info That Obama Would Win in 2008…
  ladies who are lunching

Noted Empath Barbara Bush: Compromise Doesn’t ‘Rhyme With Rich’

The students at Southern Methodist University must have played a uniquely terrible prank on some crusty old dean, to be punished with an on-campus “daylong conference on the influence of the nation’s first ladies.” Only in Texas could this be considered not “cruel and unusual.” So let this be a liberal snob indoctrination to you, kids: don’t get caught next time, and you won’t have to deal with Barbara Bush, Sr., and her daughter-in-law Girl With Faraway Eyes Laura Bush, and their ward, beloved former national fuck-up George W. Bush, griping at you about a White House mattress that was so uncomfortable they had to send it back! CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? Well, on the bright side, at least the students unlucky enough to attend got to hear Babs trash some non-destitute people for a change, when she took the opportunity to call the 2012 GOP primary “the worst campaign I’ve ever seen in my life.” Read more on Noted Empath Barbara Bush: Compromise Doesn’t ‘Rhyme With Rich’…
  late-twenties rebellion

Half of George W. Bush’s Daughters Are Now Gay-Marriage Advocates

Hey look, it’s that daughter, the one who was the bottom. The other one always seemed to take more after her father; this one, after all, actually seems slightly interested in politics and not quite so much in booze. So not only is Barbara Bush in favor of socialist health care plots (wow, remember that post?), she is also in favor of gay marriage, even though her father bravely tried to defend against this immoral attack on Christendom (when he was up for re-election, that is). Great! Perhaps it would have helped to say these things when her family was relevant to the political agenda. Read more on Half of George W. Bush’s Daughters Are Now Gay-Marriage Advocates…
  can 'em if you got 'em

The Year In Fetuses and Their Jars

Can you believe it’s been nearly 38 years since Roe v. Wade was settled? That’s the lifetimes of like two and a half Justin Biebers. So it should come as no surprise that we still have to hear about this thing day in and day out, yes? Good, because that’s the case. Fetuses did not do much themselves this year, but former fetuses, people who think they still know what it’s like to be a young fetus today, did. Among them, of course, was the Bush family, who let us know about the amusing time Barbara had a miscarriage and the fetus was stuffed in a jar that was then stuffed in George W.’s face, still warm. This is always such a fun issue. Read more on The Year In Fetuses and Their Jars…
  halloween

Barbara Bush: I Wasn’t the One Who Put the Fetus In the Jar

Here’s a shocking twist in the Fetusjargate story: Larry King got Barbara Bush ON THE RECORD about putting her fetus in a jar and parading it around the house for George W. and everyone else to see. According to Barbara, “memories dim a little bit,” and the story Bush wrote in his book isn’t true. Now we can all rest easy, knowing that there never was a fetus jar centerpiece on the Bush family dining-room table, right? No. “Paula put it in the jar. And I was shocked when she gave it to him,” said Barbara. Jesus Christ, this is worse! Paula? Read more on Barbara Bush: I Wasn’t the One Who Put the Fetus In the Jar…
  pillow talk

George W. Bush Told Gordon Brown He Would Have Endorsed Obama

That whole Barbara Bush fetus jar thing from yesterday really screwed up her son’s mind, so much so that in 2008, during the buildup to the general election, he told former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and a group of dignitaries he would have endorsed Barack Obama if Obama’s people had asked him. And that he “probably won’t even vote for” McCain. Is this because Bush was mad at McCain for having the GALL to compete for the Republican nomination in 2000? Or is it because the man’s mental capacities were permanently damaged by the trauma of his mother having shoved that fetus jar in his face — and the years of subsequent alcohol addiction — and was genuinely confused to which party he belonged? Read more on George W. Bush Told Gordon Brown He Would Have Endorsed Obama…
  the notorious bfg

Young George W. Bush Traumatized By Barbara Bush’s Fetus Jar

Some people give lame reasons to be pro-life, but George W. Bush really has a pretty good excuse. While on his current “Say Anything To Get People To Buy My Book Nobody Would Read Otherwise” tour, Bush revealed to Matt Lauer the reason he dislikes abortion: His mother had a miscarriage when he was a teenager and liked to parade around her dead offspring in a jar. Holy hell, this family. “Junior, please pass sister fetus jar the mashed potatoes.” “Junior, please drive your brother the fetus jar to school.” “Junior, doesn’t your sister the fetus jar look beautiful in her prom dress? Pull her out of the goo and pin that corsage on her, wouldn’t you? Then give her a kiss goodbye. She’d best be going or she’ll be late!” Read more on Young George W. Bush Traumatized By Barbara Bush’s Fetus Jar…