Wonkette

Your Wonkette has been chopped into three pieces, like a Starfish, and your current editor is just sitting in Level Two against a brick wall, on the concrete. We saw Stevie Wonder sing two songs! And, uh, Sheryl Crow sing like 7,000 songs which all sounded like shopping for lawn furniture on heroin. Al, what do you say? MORE »

Fifteen thousand hours later, and we’re in. You know what would be great right now is a couch.

We are commencing the long terrible journey to Barack Obama’s Athletics Parthenon and Live Pagan Sex Spectacle. It will take approximately one million hours, and we have to stop for lunch besides, so if we do not post for a few hours it is because we are drunk or incarcerated or maybe we have expired in the heat. Wish us luck.

Hell, we already have two, but we’ll take another. There’s a food shortage PEOPLE and kidneys taste gooooood. [Craigslist]

One “Washington Insider” and member of a gym that Barack Obama attends in DC told us last night that the candidate is actually kind of a halfhearted “athlete,” and doesn’t even bother running on the treadmill. Instead he walks, like one of the Golden Girls. Anyhow, this morning Barack Obama had another one of his so-called workouts at the Denver Athletic Club, which of course culminated in his sinking multiple three-pointers from Eagleton. [Denver Post]

Here he is, the Big Guy, the “bruiser,” Joe Biden, in his 20th HBO Special, “Ize Gonna Be Viceys.” HA HA HA, that is what he named it, we imagine. He’s always makin’ the jokes, like “what’s up with these black Indians running all the articulate 7-elevens?” He doesn’t even need a punchline, THE SETUP IS FUNNY ENOUGH. Oh wait… he plagiarized that joke entirely from a Bobby Kennedy speech. [Sigh]. Let’s watch him make fun of his good friend, John “Walnuts” McCain, in his new role as Plagiarist Attack Dog. MORE »

On our 17-mile march from downtown Denver to “The Perimeter,” which is a police blockade at least another 17 miles from the actual Pepsi Center, we ran into these friends. Thousands of riot cops, thousands of hippies, thousands of blocked crossways and pedestrian routes to The Perimeter. They are protesting Barack Obama’s War in Iraq, as well as the fact that anyone is dying anywhere in the world. Let’s immanentize their eschaton, after the jump. MORE »

It’s the night we’ve all been waiting for: The night Bill Clinton will finally get out of the way and let the nominee go ahead and run for president. Bill has his legacy to worry about, because, you know, he squandered it with some of the most boorish, cheap behavior in political history — and we are not even talking about Monica Lewinsky. Let’s let Bill let us remember how wonderful he is and how awesome he will always be, as the DNC Wednesday night showdown begins. MORE »

Your editors are ready to kick back with Obama and whatever white family he visits tonight, as we all enjoy Bill Frickin’ Clinton! Liveblogging and live reporting from the Democratic National Convention in beautiful downtown Denver, coming soon! (Thanks to Wonkette Operative Michael Gambale for the screenshot.)

This is really shaping up as the (only) musical stadium show of the week! Unofficial sources say Stevie “Used To Be So Awesome” Wonder, that annoying Wilheim-Am! and Sheryl Crow will play music at the Invesco High-Times Field at Mile High Stadium tomorrow evening. What a lineup! Also: The previously mentioned Bruce Springsteen and John Francis Bongiovi, Jr., may or may not perform their “New Jersey Trilogy” ballet for the middle aged. There is someone else we’ve literally never heard of, called “John Legend,” who will masturbate with a cactus. [Denver Post/Politico]