Tag Archives: barack obama

  It's like he's obsessed! Obsessed with cumulus clouds!!!

Fox News Tells Obama To Go Be A Weather Girl If He’s So Worried About Climate

Why does anyone care about permafrost? You can always get a touch-up at the salon.
Why does anyone care about permafrost? You can always get a touch-up at the salon. Barack Obama may be visiting the Arctic this week to call attention to climate change — even though self-appointed Alaska spokestwit Bristol Palin told him to stay away — but Fox News is not impressed with a bunch of dumb stories about vanishing permafrost and coastal villages being eaten by the sea. Fox wants to know why Obama thinks climate is even a thing, when there are other bad things he should be stopping, like crime. Sure, yes, how about crime, Obama? On “The Five” Tuesday, host Kimberly Guilfoyle wanted to know just why Obama is wasting his time talking about something that might not even be real! Read more on Fox News Tells Obama To Go Be A Weather Girl If He’s So Worried About Climate…
  Sad war drumbeat :(

Aw, Man, Does This Mean We Don’t Get To Do War To Iran?

We sure showed 'em
And we were so looking forward to more endless war Bad news for bloodlusters who’ve been wanting, for years, to Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran. Despite all of the warnings from the very same stupid dicks who were completely wrong about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction that turned out to just be Saddam’s doodles on the back of a cocktail napkin about how he might like to do some “weapons of mass destruction-related program activities” one day, it appears the Senate is prepared to back President Obama’s evil scheme to avoid warring on yet another country over in that desert region where all of our oil is buried: Read more on Aw, Man, Does This Mean We Don’t Get To Do War To Iran?…
  The ONE time we expected a Palin to say something halfway smart and this happens

Sarah Palin, It’s Time To Have The ‘Denali’ Talk With Your Dumbass Daughter Bristol

Mommy is here to teach you about mountains, Bristol.
Mommy is here to teach you about mountains, Bristol. FUCKING HELL, this is getting ridiculous. Monday, we reported how Barack Obama went behind the backs of Jesus, the Statue of Liberty, Allah and Ohio Republicans by designating the tallest mountain in North America, located in Alaska, as “Denali,” a name it has ALWAYS HAD. It was only called Mt. McKinley there for a little while because this one time a prospector called it that, in the 19th century, because William McKinley was running for president, and he figured “Hey why not?” In 1975, Alaska officially did ISIS to the “McKinley” name, but the federal government didn’t catch up until the other day. Read more on Sarah Palin, It’s Time To Have The ‘Denali’ Talk With Your Dumbass Daughter Bristol…
  S-M-R-T

Let’s Watch Donald Trump And Mike Huckabee Jizz All Over America’s Tallest Mountain

Jesus says Donald Trump and Mike Huckabee are equally stupid.
Jesus says Donald Trump and Mike Huckabee are equally stupid. Oh look, it is Republican presidential candidates making a mountain out of … oh, this time they are making a mountain out of a mountain! Except they shouldn’t be making one fucking word about Obama restoring the name “Denali” to our nation’s tallest peak, because they are stupid, and it’s none of their fucking business what Alaskans want to call that big-ass mountain. (“Denali.” They want to call it “Denali.” Because that’s what they’ve always called it.) Read more on Let’s Watch Donald Trump And Mike Huckabee Jizz All Over America’s Tallest Mountain…
  Teach The Children Well

If Arizona Congressjerk Doesn’t Scare Your Kids About Terrorists Nuking Them, Who Will?

They All Hate Us Anyhow, So Let's Drop The Big One Now
They All Hate Us Anyhow, So Let’s Drop The Big One Now Arizona Congressweasel Matt Salmon dropped by an elementary school last Thursday to teach a group of second and third graders to explain how a bill becomes a law. Except that instead of singing a song about a cheery little Bill who hopes and prays that both chambers of Congress pass him and the president signs him into law, Salmon drifted into a fascinating fugue on what might happen if Barack Obama vetoes a Republican resolution against Obama’s Iran Nuclear deal. For some reason, the 7- and 8-year-olds didn’t seem to catch all the nuances of parliamentary procedure, and instead quite a few went home worried about suicide bombers under their beds. It’s almost as if Ted Cruz’s campaign technique of personally frightening little kids is catching fire, as it were. Read more on If Arizona Congressjerk Doesn’t Scare Your Kids About Terrorists Nuking Them, Who Will?…
  Thanks but no thanks

Pope Francis Offers Get Out Of Hell Free Card To Baby-Killing Whores

we didn't know you're allowed to have a pope who doesn't look like a sith lord
No one asked Sometimes we like New Pope Frank. Like, when he gets all Truffula tree-huggy and wants to save the Swomee Swans, or whatever, because God said, “Here is a earth-shaped planet, keep it pretty.” And those times when New Pope is like, “Jesus said rich people are THE SUCK, so don’t be such dicks, rich people.” That’s cool too and seems pretty Jesus-y. Read more on Pope Francis Offers Get Out Of Hell Free Card To Baby-Killing Whores…
  So dumb it hurts our feelings

Shocking New Polls Show Republicans Are Still Morons

Yes America is that dumb
Republicans. Still. After all these years, is our Republicans learning? Nope. We’ve seen the president’s birth certificate, we’ve read endless PolitiFacting, and even the team of private investigators Donald Trump sent to Hawaii four years ago has yet to make any earth-shattering announcements about finding the definitive proof that Obama was not born there. And yet: Read more on Shocking New Polls Show Republicans Are Still Morons…
  Mad About A Thing

NRA Dude Hopes Virginia Shooting Victims’ Parents Won’t Be Total Pussies About This

He's weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo.
He’s weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo. After last week’s horrific on-air murder of TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward, many people immediately braced themselves for exactly what disgusting thing the NRA would have to say. At first, there were mostly tumbleweeds, but as the NRA is perhaps the most evil institution in all of America, it was only a matter of time! Here’s a disgusting, soulless, stomach-churning response from the NRA’s Colion Noir, who Media Matters reports is part of the NRA’s new campaign to make the organization look cool and hip and “Kids These Days,” as opposed to what it really is — a group of paranoid pants-shitting twats who really, truly don’t cry when your child dies. Read more on NRA Dude Hopes Virginia Shooting Victims’ Parents Won’t Be Total Pussies About This…
  The Daddy Daughter Dance

Liz Cheney Knows Real U.S. American Patriots Love Old Dick

If you loved last year’s op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, by Dick Cheney and his evil spawn Liz, about why OBAMA SUX, you’ll be quite aroused in your privates to know that they have written a whole entire book about why OBAMA SUX. It is an expansion on their ongoing dialogue with each other that the Cheney administration was AWESOMEBALLS, and it is the fault of President B. Hussein Sucksalot that Gee Dubya Bush destabilized the entire Middle East by invading Iraq because of his own daddy issues, which led to the rise of even worser terrorist organizations like ISIS. It sounds like a real fun book, if you’re into historical fiction. (We do not know if Mrs. Mama Lynne Cheney contributed any HAWT lesbian sex scenes, sorry.) Read more on Liz Cheney Knows Real U.S. American Patriots Love Old Dick…
  Ohio Republicans Mad About A Thing

Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names

Wuss Mountain, more like.
Surprised he didn’t rename it Hope The Terrorists Win Mountain. Emperor Obama has issued another fatwa, and this time it is about how it’s no longer okay for North America’s highest peak, which is located right in the middle of Ohio in Alaska, to be named after President William McKinley, but rather, it should be given a funny foreign Alaskan name, “Denali.” This is obvious government overreach, as all mountains got their names directly from Jesus, when they were formed, and He wanted this one to be named after a U.S. president. You have questions, we have answers. Read more on Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Josh Duggar Can’t Read This Post Because He’s In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Sex bus.
Sex bus. Hey Wonkers, how is your Sunday? Just kidding, don’t care, let’s talk about ourselves. So last week there was, yet again, horrible, unspeakable tragedy, as two journalists were killed on air by a gunman with, surprise, a gun, and a lot of your top ten stories this week were about that. Also, Josh Duggar did some gnarly shit to a porn star and now he’s in the Jesus Sex Pokey for Grosses. So that’s in your top ten too. Weird week! Read more on Josh Duggar Can’t Read This Post Because He’s In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Get Your Nerd On

Why Do You Weep? Blingee Lives! Your Saturday Nerdout

All Hail the Risen Blingee
All Hail the Risen Blingee Hey, remember how a week or so back we were all bummed because one of the most useful dumb wonderful things on the Internet, Blingee, was going away forever? Turns out that the public reaction was so anguished, so over the top, so filled with unicorns puking sad glitter, that the site’s owners decided against going gentle into that good Error 404 Page Not Found after all: Read more on Why Do You Weep? Blingee Lives! Your Saturday Nerdout…
  Acquitted Child Killer Says What?

George Zimmerman Opposes Racist Hate Crimes Now, Hooray!

He thinks good
He thinks good You have probably been wondering, ever since the horrible news broke yesterday, “Say! What does unemployable child-killer George Zimmerman think about the unspeakable killings of two young television journalists in Virginia? I am looking forward to his insights!” Happily, Mr. Zimmerman obliged a world that was waiting for his opinions on the matter, and took to the Tweetosphere, that we might all drink deeply of his wisdom. You will be astonished to learn that Mr. Zimmerman seems to have noticed that the murderer was black and also gay, which are really the only two facts that anyone needs to know. Oh, and also Barack Obama apparently approved of the murders, if he didn’t order them himself. Read more on George Zimmerman Opposes Racist Hate Crimes Now, Hooray!…
  When the levee breaks Jindal will still be A Idiot

Bobby Jindal Begs Obama Not To Say Dumb Climate Change Stuff On Katrina Anniversary

Obama probably shouldn't mention weather either.
Obama probably shouldn’t mention weather either. Big anniversary happening on Saturday! Ten years ago, Hurricane Katrina made landfall in Louisiana, and the storm and the levee breaches it caused altered the course of history for New Orleans and surrounding areas. And, as governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal knows the city is in danger again, this time from that foreigner president of ours. What if Obama gallivants into New Orleans and says, “Climate change is real,” or “Science exists,” or “Bobby Jindal is a fucking moron”? Something had to be done, so Jindal writed hisself a letter to the president, explaining that the topic of climate change makes him uncomfortable, so please do not say mean words like that: Read more on Bobby Jindal Begs Obama Not To Say Dumb Climate Change Stuff On Katrina Anniversary…
  #RIPpatriarchy

Uh Oh, We Almost Forgot To Thank The Menfolk For All This Awesome Equality

If it keeps the terrorists from winning, it's still civic-minded.
You know how we girls are Aw, nut sack. What with doing our job all day, we almost forgot to take a moment to freshen up, slip into something pretty, fix you fellas a nice cocktail, and thank you OH SO MUCH for letting us vote. You know us girls! If it’s not about shopping and babies, it just flies right out of our silly little girl brains. It’s amazing we make it through the day at all! Read more on Uh Oh, We Almost Forgot To Thank The Menfolk For All This Awesome Equality…
  No YOUR Mom

Bristol Palin Says Obama’s The REAL Lazy Half-Term Gov. Quitterface Grifter Queen

He can’t even Bristol Palin’s ghostblogger has a real important question, you guys: Remember when my mom put a jet on eBay to save Alaska much-needed money? Well, yes, we remember how she listed it on eBay, and also how nobody bought it on eBay, but go on: Read more on Bristol Palin Says Obama’s The REAL Lazy Half-Term Gov. Quitterface Grifter Queen…