• Aww, Jim Inhofe’s grandchildren built Al Gore a spacious snow cavern to live in! How did they know Al’s fursona was a “homeless but sensitive polar bear?” [Think Progress]
• Looks like it’s going to be another lonely, miserable Valentine’s Day, huh? Hey, why not fingerbang a heavily-discounted Newt Gingrich paperback from the NRO bookstore instead? Ships with a bottle of Newt’s famous pheromone cologne so you can set the mood! [The Corner]
• “How many Americans will die because of Barack Obama’s handling of national security?” Hopefully enough in time for the 2012 elections! [RedState]
• Obama’s “the only good terrorist is a dead terrorist” policy is in direct conflict with Rumsfeld’s way better “keep that terrorist alive so we can tickle him with a power drill” doctrine. [Matt Yglesias]
• Bad news for feral Hill interns who snack on cigarette butts and other special treasures they find on the Mall: You are exposing yourself to third-hand smoke. [Gateway Pundit]

Barack Obama, the master tactician! Last night, before Super Bowl XXVVVV, he told Katie Couric and (to a lesser extent) America that he would hold a Bipartisan Health Care Summit, live on the teevee, on February 25, and the Republicans would have to show up or… or… or else they’d miss it! This opportunity to change public policy! Mitch McConnell and John Boehner responded, “let us literally dictate a new bill word-for-word, or die,” the most Serious response. Why do Democrats have to play politics like this when Republicans just want to help the country? MORE »

So Alabama shitbird Sen. Richard “Dick” “Swett” Shelby has placed a blanket hold on 70-ish Obama nominees, which someone in Harry Reid’s office bothered to tell us all about yesterday. He wants Northrop Grumman to get a contract for a tanker that would bring 1,500 jobs to Alabama, and he wants some dildo thing called the “Terrorist Explosives Devices Analytical Center” to be built, in Alabama, and he will not allow 70 important jobs to be filled until he gets his stupid tanker and stupid dildo cunt factory. How does he explain this, the Shelby Shakedown — or as the really vulgar folk call it, the Questionable Application of Political Leverage by United States Senator Richard Shelby? MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Guys, it’s come to my attention that you’re all a bunch of lonely sex-starved losers, and that you turn to your Wonkette for brief glimmers of eroticism that will make your sad, lonely lives feel like they might be worth living again! Also, according to our records (admittedly not updated since March of 2009 or thereabouts), you are all totally hot for Barack Obama, and want to kiss and hug him and make him your boyfriend and also do dirty sex things with him. You will not be able to do any of this, of course, because the president has a phalanx of security goons surrounding him at all times. But some of these cartoons will be the next best thing! MORE »

• Clarence Thomas skipped the State of the Union so he could sit on his sofa and soak his feet in a bucket of “self-loathing black man.” [Weekly Standard]
• Most Improved Wino Nancy Pelosi spent 100,000 smackaroos (USD) on vodka nips and airplane pretzels. [RedState]
• We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, and we shall fight on the Moon. We will fight on the internets, also. [The Caucus]
• Two old timers on the Supreme Court will be violently assassinated by Obama’s Sandinista lawyers! K-Lo fears for you, Alito! [The Corner]
• Why won’t Sarah Palin ask Rush Limbaugh to host a retard summit? [Think Progress]

Everyone hates Barack Obama extra much today for speaking at the National Prayer Breakfast, which is racist against gays. Basically every President since Hillary Clinton has attended this thing, but Obama is in trouble because some of the hosts of this year’s breakfast—obviously a group with the word “Family” in the name—want to… guess what horrendous thing… quickly… time’s up! The answer is “execute all the homosexuals in Uganda. ” MORE »

So who is this guy, in the messy crazy person’s office, keeping large ancient vases within reach of his laboriously carved Oaken Throne. Well he’s the mayor of Las Vegas, that’s who. Mayor Goodman. Mayor Goodman, along with Harry Reid, along with other Nevadan legislators, along with Republicans aiming to score points, is furious that Barack Obama said this at yesterday’s Dick Swett town hall: “When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don’t go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college.” Why was he being so racist and Making Fun of Trig about Las Vegas? MORE »

It’s even more fun when he yells at the Senate, and its Democrats! We’re sure Fox showed all of this one. However: no one is allowed to watch Fox anymore! Or CNN, or MSNBC. (Ha ha thank god he called out MSNBC by name; hilarious defensive Keith Olbermann Special Comment in 3…2…1…) Also, he says, turn off the blogs. Well, you heard the man, get out of here. NAVIGATE AWAY. What are you still doing here? Turn off this blog. Go away. [YouTube]

Everybody was so excited about President Obama doing a limey-style Q&A with Republicans that now he’s doing it again, with Democrats! And it’s at the Newseum, the most famous building in all of Washington. This momentuous event clearly calls for a liveblog, so let’s have at it. MORE »

There once was a Congressman named “Dick Swett.” Barack Obama called on him at that New Hampshire town hall today. When will this president put aside his childish impulses to summon “Dick Swett”? And when will “Dick Swett” realize that going by “Richard” would make his existence less comical? Hopefully never ever ever ever! Anyway, the inclusion of subtitles here makes up for the budget quality. Just look at that teevee get awkward and hesitate! [YouTube]

• INVESTIMAGATIVE JOURNAMALISM! Yesterday Reuters, the famous wire service, ran a story about how Obama’s decision in his new budget to let Bush tax cuts expire meant that all of the pre-tax levels for every included tax were coming back, and even offered a list of all the new taxes the Obama administration was going to impose on working people, just for shits and giggles, without telling them. It made the top of Drudge. Now that article has been removed, however, because IN THA BUJJET IT ACKSHLY SEZ that none of the old tax rates on those making less than $250,000/year would return. Reuters pulled the story and acknowledged the massive error, though, so we no longer have to worry about every Republican still referencing it as fact every day and in every teevee ad through November with cable news approval. [Washington Monthly]

It’s Barack Obama in New Hampshire! Here he is politely acknowledging that the Senate will probably drop cap-and-trade this year. And sorry, “Starbucks coffee enthusiasts,” but that sounds like a pretty good idea right now. MORE »

Barack Obama is snubbing the European continent of Europe by declining to attend a US-EU summit in Europe’s Madrid. The Spanish Prime Minister spent all last night telling Obama how much he hated him, likely in Spanish: “The Spanish prime minister, José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero [...] was described as angry and embarrassed, and European officials said there was a set of high-level diplomatic exchanges overnight.” Obama did not respond to any of Zapatero’s probable upside-down exclamation mark-laden text messages, because he’s like, I never said I was doing a semester abroad. Drama! MORE »

Absolutely insane North Carolina swamp angel Rep. Virginia Foxx hates that lecturin’ taxy-spendy sumbitch Kenyan hobgoblin liar fraud Barack Obama. On the other hand, she’d love to touch his penis. [Twitter via Teresa Kopec]