barack obama
Wingnut Patiently Explains That You Cannot Quote Him Because The Umbrella Of Jesus Covers His Words
by snipy
You know, we really can’t figure out anymore if right-wingers are playing some four-dimensional meta chess sorta thing these days or have really become untethered from reality or why even choose. Exhibit eleventy: the weird tendency of wingnuts to cry foul when people have the temerity to quote them. Witness Bradlee Dean, who wanted to [...]
British Spy On World Leaders, Earn Title of World’s Worst Hosts
by DDM
Apparently the UK noticed a while ago that the US was doing piddly little spying on its own citizens, and chuckled gracefully into their afternoon tea at the upstart colonists’ antics. Because back in 2009, they apparently decided to up the ante and straight up spy on world leaders who gathered London for the G20 [...]
Hell Is Other Countries: Sarin In Syria, A New Man In Iran
Our ten-foot pole has arrived, which means we are finally ready to touch the dual shitstorms of Syria and Iran! The latest news on Syria is that our duly-elected warlord, Field Marshal B. Barry Bamz, has decided to steer a middle course of moar gunz, but not-too-big gunz, for the Free Syrian Army. This decision [...]
Barack Obama To Give Children All The Whore Pills They Can Stuff Into Their Hello Kitty Backpacks
by Doktor Zoom
After losing a lawsuit in federal court, and then an appeal, the Obama administration is dropping its opposition to a judge’s order to allow over the counter sales of “Plan B” emergency contraception without age restrictions. We’re pretty sure that the decision to not fight the case any further will be met with a minimum of [...]
Politicians Welcome Chance To Discuss This NSA Surveillance Monster They Hid In The Basement
Over the weekend, various security officials and congresscritters were forced to go on the morning yap shows or talk to the press about the secret data collection programs exposed by the Guardian over the weekend. Some of them took this opportunity to explain why they were glad, GLAD, that we are finally having a national [...]
Actress Prepares For Ground-Breaking New Role: Inmate In Federal Prison
by Gary Legum
Hey Wonkstaffel, are you sad and depressed from all the awful news lately about BENGHAZI!!!!1!!! and the IRS and how President Barry spends his evenings in the White House personally reviewing your ISP activity logs and cackling at the number of German scheisse videos you have watched online since 2001? Then let us cheer you [...]
Hi wingnuts! How goes things with the IRS “scandal” today? Still trying to make something, anything, stick to the White House like poop on rabbit fur? Because by our count you’re batting about 0-for-eleventy-billion so far. There were your failed attempts to get everyone thinking this was as bad as Watergate. There was the screeching [...]
Losers and Quitters Whine About President, Not Because They Are Sore Losers Or Anything
by DDM
Just when you’ve grown tired of loser Republicans giving all kinds of advice to the GOP on how not to lose, it’s suddenly time for different loser Republicans to blargh and whine about the President some more, because that worked so well to get them elected. The reason (as if they need one): they don’t like who he [...]
How Are You Enjoying Your Surveillance State This Morning?
by Doktor Zoom
So here is our first take on this NSA/Verizon/FBI phone-records thingy…Actually it is our second or maybe third take, because there’s no really good way to blog the double-axel facepalm, eyeroll, and fetal position that was our real initial reaction to the news. We eventually got up and made some coffee, and while we’re still NOT HAPPY at [...]
Why Is Obama Ruining College Sexiness With All These Dumb Sexual Harassment Rules?
by Doktor Zoom
You may have been under the impression that conservatives are mostly worried about too much sexxytime, anywhere — at least for other people — but it turns out that at least a few conservative stalwarts don’t worry as much about sinful fornicatin’ so much. Instead, some fear that Barack Obama is secretly just a big [...]
Nation Remembers N.J. Sen. Frank Lautenberg For Several Minutes Before Commencing Electoral Freakout
by DDM
You know who died? Besides Edith Bunker? New Jersey Democratic senator, actual son of a millworker and up from his bootstraps millionaire, almost-nonegenarian, and yeller at that whippersnapper Cory Booker Frank Lautenberg died, that is who. At 89, he was the oldest member of the Senate, and the last World War II veteran in the [...]
In Case You Forgot, Rick Santorum Has Important Thoughts About Freedom
Discarded philosopher-statesman Rick Santorum’s latest column at World Net Daily is about Freedom and the taking of it by Barack Obama. Naturally, it’s a veritable Journey concert of brain-dead paleo-conservative greatest hits: We are Free Americans because our values are having guns, being hetero-sexing Christians, drowning Obamacare in the sink, and Taxed Enough Already! Yes, [...]
Christie Says Snooki ‘Not A Jersey Girl,’ Emergency Conference Call To Springsteen, Kevin Smith Imminent
by Doktor Zoom
Is “Snooki” still even a thing? We guess maybe Snooki is still a thing. We mean, sure, she’s got a pulse and all, which is good for her, don’t get us wrong. But even as a punchline, isn’t she well past her sell-by date? Even for Political Savant Jay Leno? But apparently she is still [...]
New York Tyrant Mayor Michael Bloomberg Joins ‘Dangerous Kooks Sent Me Poison, For Freedom’ Club
by Doktor Zoom
Well, let’s see who’s getting letters stuffed with poison this week! The newest inductee in the House of the Ricin Sons is New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who was sent two letters containing a “pink-orange oily substance,” according to New York deputy police commissioner Paul Browne on Wednesday. The substance tested positive for trace amounts [...]
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Deleted Messages Of The Day: Yr Wonkette Is Not Universally Admired
by Doktor Zoom
Oh, golly, kids, did WE ever get an assload of butthurt feedback from Wingnut America after our piece Thursday about Benghazi and Fox News’s continuing search for the Real Killers! As you may recall — or not, depending on that little “late afternoon blackout” problem of yours – Fox’s Brian Kilmeade wondered just where the hell [...]