Tag Archives: banks

  Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Big Banks Won’t Stop Cramming Homosexuals Down Franklin Graham’s Throat

Jesus loves the little children, unless they're super-duper gay. SING ALONG!
Poor persecuted Franklin Graham, insane wingnut son of evangelist Billy Graham and president of his daddy’s association, saw a Wells Fargo ad on the teevee, and the ad had lesbians in it, and this shall not stand! So he took his mad right to the Facebook and announced what he was gonna do: close the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association’s Wells Fargo accounts (because he controls them now that his dad is 96) and move them to a better, more gay-hatey bank: Read more on Big Banks Won’t Stop Cramming Homosexuals Down Franklin Graham’s Throat…
  Hey at least the poors are still allowed to buy guns

Who’s Winning The ‘F*ck The Poors’ Trophy This Week? It is Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback!

Don't mind me, I'm just being a complete asshole.
Welfare queens of Kansas, we are very sorry, for your worst nightmares have come true. Your governor, Sam Brownback, has signed HB 2256, which, as we reported earlier in April, makes all the changes to welfare everybody wants, but is too shy to ask for. Yes, Kansas, you shan’t have to worry ever again about those on public assistance spending all of their $429 a month on glamorous Caribbean vacations, on your dime, or on getting their palms read at Psychic Isabella’s in Kansas City. (Which exists.) You won’t have to worry about them outdoing you in the sexxxy lingerie department either! You can rest assured that they will, by law, only be wearing the same granny panties you are currently wearing. Read more on Who’s Winning The ‘F*ck The Poors’ Trophy This Week? It is Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback!…
  Every time a bell rings an investment banker gets his own Lear Jet

Bank Lobbyists Pretending They’re A Bunch Of George Baileys LOL

Too small town to fail?
Did you grow up in a small town where you knew all your local merchants as friends and neighbors, including the nice people down at the local bank? Didja? Ah, precious It’s a Wonderful Life-type water color memories. Read more on Bank Lobbyists Pretending They’re A Bunch Of George Baileys LOL…
  money that's what i want

Nice Time (With An Asterisk): JP Morgan To Fork Over Some Actual Cash-ish For Enron-ing California

JP Morgan is going to have to pay $410 million dollars for manipulating energy markets in California and Michigan between 2010-2012, and if you’re thinking that this sounds an awful lot like what Enron was doing, well, you’re right! It was! Via CNN Money: The bank’s energy unit, JP Morgan Venture Energy Corporation, was accused of raising electricity rates in these markets between September 2010 and November 2012 through “manipulative bidding strategies,” according to the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission. […] The bank neither admitted nor denied the violations, but said it would work with outside counsel to review its policies and practices in the power business. Read more on Nice Time (With An Asterisk): JP Morgan To Fork Over Some Actual Cash-ish For Enron-ing California…
  Who is Liz Warren Yelling at Today?

Elizabeth Warren Yells at Banks Again, Because It Is A Day

Today was just like any other day in that we woke up thinking, “Can we love Elizabeth Warren more today than we did yesterday, given that she is one of a tiny handful of people who seems not only committed to putting the banks in their place but also sufficiently empowered, politically, intellectually, and otherwise, to do so?” And, just like any other day, we found very quickly that the answer is “Yes, we CAN love Elizabeth Warren more today than we did yesterday, because it seems like she is planning to yell at banks again, which brings us an immeasurable amount of pleasure.” Today the Senate Banking Committee met to discuss Wall Street’s role in the global commodities business, and as you can imagine Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) was quite outspoken about the fact that she wants it majorly diminished. “…I share the concern of many of my colleagues about asset managers at huge Wall Street banks exercising control of key parts of America’s infrastructure,” she said. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Yells at Banks Again, Because It Is A Day…
  gone like tears in rain

Morning Nice-Time: San Diego Chalk Vandal To Go Free, Just Like Bank Execs!

Who says there’s no justice? You might recall the case of Jeff Olson, yes? He’s the San Diego guy who wrote unkind things about Bank Of America, in chalk, on a sidewalk in front of Bank of America, and then, after an executive from Bank of America pressured a city attorney who took campaign contributions from Bank of America, was arrested and slapped with enough charges against the public good (and Bank of America) to send him to jail for far longer than it takes a Bank of America customer to get a loan modification. Also, just for laughs, Judge Howard Shore (but not his all-nurse band) decided Olson’s defense attorney could not mention the First Amendment because “The State’s Vandalism Statute does not mention First Amendment rights.” And yet somehow, Jeff Olson was acquitted on all counts Monday afternoon — he is just lucky this guy wasn’t on the jury — so here is your Nice Time! Read more on Morning Nice-Time: San Diego Chalk Vandal To Go Free, Just Like Bank Execs!…
  go directly to jail

Finally, Someone Is Going To Jail For What The Banks Did!

Yes, you read that right: finally, someone is going to jail for what the banks did! If this seems like it is too good to be true, Wonketeers, your instincts are correct because the person who is FINALLY going to jail is not anyone associated with the banks, but rather, a man who wrote mean words about banks on the sidewalk in San Diego. Did we forget to mention that the mean words were written in water-soluble chalk? Did we also forget to mention that the man’s impending prosecution comes after Bank of America’s Vice President of Global Corporate Security relentlessly pressured the city attorney to charge the man for writing mean words with chalk? Via the San Diego Union-Tribune: Jeff Olson, 40, faces 13 misdemeanor vandalism charges for the way he made his views known. He faces up to 13 years in jail and $13,000 in restitution, although prosecutors say incarceration is rare in vandalism cases. If the city loses the case, it might be chalked up to jurors who question if the city should be spending taxpayer money bringing charges against someone who plied his activism — or vandalism — using something that can be easily washed away with a hose. Read more on Finally, Someone Is Going To Jail For What The Banks Did!…
  the torch & pitchfork outlet has been foreclosed too

Bank of America Whistleblowers Reveal Shocking Bank Wrongdoings, Surprise Surprise

Did you spend the past couple days so suspicious of the NSA that you had forgotten to set aside just a little bit of your suspicion for the banks? Don’t worry, we can fix that pretty quickly! Turns out Bank of America may have been foreclosing on homeowners who qualified for in-house loan modifications and the government-sponsored Home Affordable Modification Program because — get this! — it was more profitable to put the homeowners out on the street: Six former Bank of America Corp employees have alleged that the bank deliberately denied eligible home owners loan modifications and lied to them about the status of their mortgage payments and documents. The bank allegedly used these tactics to shepherd homeowners into foreclosure, as well as in-house loan modifications. Both yielded the bank more profits than the government-sponsored Home Affordable Modification Program, according to documents recently filed as part of a lawsuit in Massachusetts federal court. Read more on Bank of America Whistleblowers Reveal Shocking Bank Wrongdoings, Surprise Surprise…
  banksters

Amercia, Where You Are Free to Take On Crushing Lifelong Debt

Wonketteers are all latte-drinking Prius-driving libruls, so they are all probably avid New York Times readers who are very familiar with the Times’ ongoing series on income inequality, “The Great Divide.” But just in case! Today’s installment is a cheery essay by Joseph Stiglitz, titled “Student Debt and the Crushing of the American Dream.” Doesn’t that sound like a fun read? According to Stiglitz, Amercia is being ruined forever by student loan debt, because Poors have the audacity to think they can improve their socio-economic statuses by taking on crushing debt and getting an education. This, of course, is a myth: a law passed in 2005 made it basically impossible to discharge student loan debt, and so it stays with you always like herpes, or a bad tattoo, except worse because you still have a chance at happiness of you have herpes or a bad tattoo. Also, going to college and taking on a bunch of crushing debt may not necessarily get you a good job, since almost half of all college graduates have jobs that do not require a college degree, but they still have to make payments on these debts with their meager salaries, so they can’t afford to go out to eat or go on frivolous shopping excursions, so our economy suffers, so there are no jobs for college grads, and round and round we go! Here, let Joseph Stiglitz explain all this at you in fancier language and using more “facts.” Read more on Amercia, Where You Are Free to Take On Crushing Lifelong Debt…
  fapfapfapfap

Why Is Liz Warren Yelling At Bank Regulators Today? (Video)

Liz Warren came to Washington to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and she is ALL OUT OF BUBBLEGUM. Would you like to watch her tear into regulators about wrongful foreclosures? Specifically: why no one knows exactly how many people were wrongfully foreclosed on, and also, why wrongfully foreclosed upon people may have gotten as little as $300 for their troubles? Of course you would, these kinds of videos are the highlight of our week too, let us all sit back and relax and bask in the glory of Liz Warren, kicking ass at the Housing and Urban Affairs Committee, courtesy of ThinkProgress. Read more on Why Is Liz Warren Yelling At Bank Regulators Today? (Video)…
  banksters

Banks Might Like White Men Just as Much as the GOP Does

Are you STILL capable of being surprised by structural inequality, including but not limited to women and minorities’ inability to take advantage of various financial opportunities? Eh, us neither, we are used to it by now, but just in case we accidentally become inoculated, let us learn about the current instantiation of redlining in Chicago. Read more on Banks Might Like White Men Just as Much as the GOP Does…
  run on banks

Wells Fargo Bills Elderly Disabled Veteran To Death Over Typo

Every day, we wake up thinking that we cannot possibly dislike the banks (and their enablers) more than we did them the day before, and most of the days we are right, and our fear and loathing glides along on a steady keel. But once in a while we are proven wrong and learn of something so horrible that we are forced to critically examine our current stance towards the banks (and their enablers), and inevitably conclude that the intensity of our feelings requires revisiting. Today was such a day, because today we learned of Larry Delassus, a disabled veteran who dropped dead in court while fighting Wells Fargo about their mistaken foreclosure on his house: Read more on Wells Fargo Bills Elderly Disabled Veteran To Death Over Typo…
  Biden/Warren 2016

Elizabeth Warren Hands Ben Bernanke His Own Ass

Hi Lizzz! HIIIIIII! WE LOVE YOU!!!! Why? Well, in addition to the usual reasons, Ben Bernanke appeared in front of the Senate Banking Committee yesterday, and Elizabeth Warren basically asked him stuff like: Why is everything still so horrible, Ben? Why are you doing absolutely nothing to fix anything, Ben? Why are you just standing there with your dick in your hand while the banks crap all over the American people, Ben? If you love the banks so much, why don’t you marry them, Ben?  Read more on Elizabeth Warren Hands Ben Bernanke His Own Ass…
  banksters

Banks Joining Up With Payday Lenders To Find Creative Ways To Screw Poors

Hello, are you interested in hearing something horrible about banks? Of course you are, big banks are possibly one of the worst things that have happened to the American people in the last decade or so, which is why you will not be surprised to learn that they have started partnering with small, internet-based payday lenders in order to siphon even more money from the bank accounts of Poors. To be clear, these are MAJOR banks we are talking about, including the ones that take around $83 billion in your tax dollars every year (for reals): Read more on Banks Joining Up With Payday Lenders To Find Creative Ways To Screw Poors…
  justice is blindsided

Here, Let Liz Warren Help You Enjoy The Rest of Your Day!

We wish that we could have a video like this one EVERY MORNING, that is how much it pleases us to watch Elizabeth Warren embarrass bank regulators in front of a live audience. She should take this show on the road because we are INTO IT! Of course, we use the term “regulators” figuratively, given that they can’t seem to regulate their asses with both hands, but Elizabeth Warren makes this point far better than we ever could which is why BIDEN/WARREN 2016! Or SANDERS/WARREN 2016! Or we could even be persuaded to back CLINTON/WARREN 2016! Or WARREN/BOOKER 2016! We’ll unreservedly and enthusiastically consider any of those options. Anyway, the video: Read more on Here, Let Liz Warren Help You Enjoy The Rest of Your Day!…
  Jerb-Killing regulation

Banks Will Now Review Themselves to Find Out if They Did Your Foreclosure Right

Well this will save everyone a lot of time! Banks are just going to go ahead and do a rigorous self-review to see if they handled foreclosures correctly. Of course, most of them have not handled foreclosures correctly, remember when Wells Fargo foreclosed on the wrong house? Twice? And remember when Bank of America did the same thing? (In fairness, BofA only did it once, not twice, so let’s have a round of applause for Bank of America!) How about the time Citi-Residential auctioned off the wrong house at a foreclosure sale? We pretty much have just four main banks in the U.S. now, and JP Morgan doesn’t do much retail banking, so in sum: three out of three major banks have screwed up on handling foreclosures. Good job America! USA! USA! Anyway, a bunch of very smart people put their heads together and decided that the best way to handle this was to 1) start a fake task force that is supposed to investigate mortgage fraud, but in reality, does nothing, and 2) let banks review themselves because it would just be more efficient that way. Read more on Banks Will Now Review Themselves to Find Out if They Did Your Foreclosure Right…
  banksters

If You Liked Too Big To Fail, You Will Love Too Big To Indict

Did you know that there is now such a thing as “too big to indict”? This generally refers to institutions that are so big and so central to the entire economy of the whole world that there is nothing anyone can do to punish criminal activity and specifically refers to HSBC, a multinational banking conglomerate that laundered money for Mexican drug cartels and conducted business on behalf Iran and Sudan in spite of international sanctions. My, that sounds fun! Read more on If You Liked Too Big To Fail, You Will Love Too Big To Indict…
  journamalism

Anderson Cooper To Whistleblower: Why Do You Want To Hurt Those Nice Banks?

Well that was fast! The media has already, as Hamilton Nolan astutely predicted, turned on Greg Smith, the former Goldman Sachs analyst turned writer. You might remember Greg Smith from the scathing Op-Ed he wrote in the New York Times back in April, announcing his resignation from Goldman Sachs and revealing that their corporate culture is about as disgusting as we all have probably imagined it to be. At the time of the Op-Ed, the media wasn’t so sure about what to make of him, but erred on the side of “whistleblower,” with a dollop of hero! Except now the Lamestream Media has changed its mind and decided that he kind of sucks because the banks are full of shitbags, tell us something we don’t know. Actually, he isn’t “believable,” probably (this is from the New York Times). Or maybe he is actually a LIAR, look at him LYING his ass off and getting paid a shitload of money to do it! That last one, of course, is from Forbes magazine, a paragon of probity. Read more on Anderson Cooper To Whistleblower: Why Do You Want To Hurt Those Nice Banks?…
  jail is for democrats

Bankers, Please Feel Free To Stab Any Cab Driver You Wish

When we were a little kid and someone asked us the inevitable “what do you want to be when you grow up?” we usually said something like “a movie star!” But in retrospect, we probably should have said “gainfully employed,” or, in the event that we were aiming super high, “a banker!” because bankers appear to have one of the best gigs on earth: it’s gravy all day long, what with all the taxpayer bailouts and Cayman Islands bank accounts, and, as we’ve just learned, bankers can even get away with mundane crimes like stabbing ethnic cab drivers. Read more on Bankers, Please Feel Free To Stab Any Cab Driver You Wish…
  banksters

Wells Fargo Accidentally Forecloses on Wrong House, Throws Away Couple’s Precious Memories

Hello, would you like to hear a heartwarming story about banks? Oh good, because last week, a bank accidentally foreclosed on the wrong house and a nice middle aged couple lost everything that wasn’t nailed down and can never get it back, ever again. Sorry, precious memories, about going to the wrong address and all. Hindsight is 20/20, etc! Read more on Wells Fargo Accidentally Forecloses on Wrong House, Throws Away Couple’s Precious Memories…
  thank you sir may we have another

Freddie Mac Regulator Cordially Invites Homeowners To Bite Him

Oh HI, 31.4% of homeowners that are underwater on their mortgages! Would you like to change your name to Freddie Mac or Fannie Mae, or perhaps even just “bank”? Because if not it is too bad and so sad for you, since the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac regulator just said no WAY hozay to a plan that might actually help you, because of “freedom” and “personal responsibility.” And yes, Freddie Mac and Fannie maybe got hundreds of millions of dollars from the government in a no-strings-attached bailout, but that was DIFFERENT. Helping rich people and large institutions makes them better whereas helping homeowners and Poors just encourages irresponsibility, DUH. Read more on Freddie Mac Regulator Cordially Invites Homeowners To Bite Him…
  the poors did it

Jamie Dimon, Welfare Queen

When we last checked in with Jamie Dimon, he was getting a tongue bath from Jim DeMint (R-Jamie Dimon’s Butt) because Jamie Dimon is a Very Big Man in charge of a Very Big Bank that makes Very Big Profits for Very Big People. As Jim DeMint (R-Jamie Dimon’s Butt) noted, not everyone can do what Jamie Dimon does: who among you, for example, could lose $2 billion dollars in one day and not even really miss it? And who among you could preside over a global economic crisis and escape with your job and pay intact? Hmm? And what if you were trying to do all of this on a shoestring, like Jamie Dimon, who only gets $14 billion per year in subsidies from taxpayers? Read more on Jamie Dimon, Welfare Queen…